Jump to content

Should I leave a loveless marriage or am I just selfish?


Recommended Posts

Ok, bear with me, this is long-winded and I've been struggling for a long time and need to vent to get advice.  Sorry it's so long.

A little back-story.  We moved in together as friends in our early 20s.  I had a crush on her at the time, but she didn't have any feelings.  I started seeing this girl (my high school sweetheart), and lo and behold, she realized she enjoyed the flirting and such.  I am a complete introvert...I have dated 3 women in my life, I just couldn't get past the anxiety of trying to talk to them.  She had several boyfriends since I knew her, but nothing ever lasted very long.  When I quit seeing the other girl, she started flirting with me again.  We had (at that time) a lot of the same interests and goals.  Now fast forward a bit...

My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years, but to be honest, we should have never gotten married.  Our first child was born 2 months before the wedding, and we had been fighting so much that the day before he was born, we got into a fight driving somewhere and I stopped the car, tossed her the keys (I was driving) got out and walked home, telling her don't expect me to be there when you get back.  Going against my instinct, I decided to stay, to try to make things work for our child.  We ended up getting married.  Things never got better.  We continued to fight, I worked, went to school, worked on fixing up our townhome.  Sexually, I've had a high sex drive, hers is about as low as it could get (even when we were dating), it's a miracle we had any kids.  She told me one time she didn't care about sex.  Well, 2 years later, we have a second kid, and still fighting.  At one point, we are arguing daily, and she yells at me that I don't care about my kids.  I was working 70+ hours a week 6 days a week, going to college at night, to try to advance myself.  I didn't talk to her for nearly a week, and told her I didn't know if I could forgive her for that.  I haven't.  A year or so after that, dumb idea #3, we sell the townhome and buy a bigger house!  Yeah, that'll help, right?  Sex at this point was once, maybe twice a year and it was a "hurry up and get it over" type of deal.  Now, I was never a pinnacle of fitness, but she had put on now about 90lbs.  Up to the point we moved, I had lost about 15lbs (I've since gained it back and then some from stress).  The one constant for me, was when things would get bad, I could talk to my mom for advice. 

So I should clarify a couple things here.  First, my high school sweetheart was my first love.  That feeling has never gone away.  We were together on and off after high school a couple times but we were always in completely different places in life so it didn't work out.  Not due to a lack of feelings for sure.  Well, for a while several years ago, we started messaging on facebook.  We would talk about our kids, she'd ask for advice.  I did some computer work for her, etc.  I swallowed my feelings for her just to be a good friend because she was fairly introverted as well.  It even went so far as she told me she wanted advice on whether to marry her fiancee or not because she didn't know if she wanted to put up with his drug addiction.  Between the poor marriage I was in and my feelings for her, I wanted to scream "NO!  You should be with me!" but again, I hid my feelings and tried to be as uninvolved with that as I could.

9/11/2017.  My mom passes away unexpectedly from a blood clot.  I'm devastated.  For basically 11 of the first 20 years of my life it was just me and her.  I was her only child and my dad died when I was 9.  I barely remember the first 2 weeks after she died.  but there's two things that really stick out.  The first is that my wife asked me ONCE in those two weeks if I was ok.  My ex, on the other hand, would message me a dozen times a day.  She would wake up at midnight, when I'm just sitting on my couch, staring at my phone, waiting for someone to tell me this was all a dream, and message me asking if I was ok.  Again, there was zero relationship about it.  It was simply a friend checking up on someone they cared for.  to this day, my wife has still only asked me TWICE if I was ok.  I've had 4 birthdays, 3 Christmases, 3 Thanksgivings, 3 anniversaries of her death, and 3 of her birthdays pass, and she's only asked me if I was doing ok twice total.  She's never cared how I feel.  Over the time of my marriage, I quit drinking, quit smoking pot, achieved a college education, and I'm working a comfortable job making significantly more than when we started dating.  She's still only had 1 job in her life.  She actually gets mad at me for NOT drinking or doing drugs.  I started going outdoors, wanted to improve myself, because I didn't like who I had become.  I was a gearhead, and an outdoorsman.  I wanted to wrench on my car (she hates my car), and take my boys fishing.  Now, 13 years after we got married, we have exactly THREE things in common.  1& 2 are our kids, and 3 is hockey.  She's a devoted hockey mom (we played together before kids), I coached our youngest last year and play myself.  But that's all we have in common.  She hates fishing.  She hates my car.  She hates my hobbies.  I know, I'm the one who changed, and I can live with that.  But here's my problem.

My ex told me she still has feelings for me about a month after my mom died.  She has regretted marrying the person she asked me about (turned out he's emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive to their child).  We have talked a lot about our likes, dislikes, etc.  We had lunch a few times just to sit and talk because our works were just a few minutes from each other.  I've tried to make things work with my wife, but I just feel like I'm lying to myself, lying to my kids, lying to my wife by trying to make something work that I really don't want anymore (I've been sleeping on my couch for the last 4 years as it is, since before my mom passed away).  Does my ex factor into that feeling?  I won't lie, it does.  Almost everything we have talked about has been compatible.  There's a couple differences of opinion, but that's fine, mostly in interests.  But couples need to have some separate interests.  The problem with her, is that she has ghosted me several times.  We would be talking, everything would be fine, we could be talking about both of us getting away from our bad marriages, and moving in together, then out of nowhere she tells me that I've been breaking her heart and she basically tells me to leave her alone, or she just stops responding.  Really screws with my head.  I'm actually in one of those silent periods now, so it's weighing heavily on me.  She stopped talking to me the day after I got home from an out of state hockey tournament for my son, but still text me happy birthday about 2 hours after she normally goes to bed.

So my questions...Am I wrong for wanting out?  Am I selfish for wanting to be happy and yes, be with the person who I believe has always been my soulmate, even at the expense of my kids?  How should I react to my ex(future?) with the ghosting?  What do I do?  I know, it's a lot to read, but I'm just lost.  Like I said, relationships aren't something I was ever very good with.  Thank you

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are wrong to have continued carrying on an EA with your EX all these years.  Her presence in your life is a part of what's poisoning your marriage.   Your wife knows you are not devoted to her & that makes her pull back because she knows you want out  

I'm sorry about your mother.  Losing a parent is tough.  My parents have been dead for 10 years now.  Not once in there has my husband asked me if I was alright.  It's just not the way he's wired.  He does care & if I express sadness especially around the anniversaries he holds me but I doubt he gets it.  If you tried to talk to your wife about what you are feeling & she listens, she cares, even if she didn't initiate the conversation. 

I think this might be fixable.  If you cut off all contact with your EX / soon to be AP,  got marriage counseling & really focused on fixing your marriage I think you might find your wife receptive but you just want out so go.  Your EX goes silent on you & "ghosts" because morally she knows she is a homewrecking who's playing with fire & she doesn't really want to be that woman.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with the above, your EA with your ex has poisoned your marriage.  Living day to day with someone, sharing a mortgage and financial worries, sharing child anxieties and responsibilities can be a drudge and overshadow romantic or loving feelings.  So you can't compare what you feel about and have shared with your ex with what you have with your wife.  Right now you have sweet memories of the past and in the present she represents an escape from your less than happy reality.  But that escape may very well not have any real grounding beneath it.  

I don't see your wife not asking how you are following the death of your mother as particularly egregious.  She was living with you day in and day out and going through it with you.  Maybe/hopefully she showed her concern and care in other ways during that time but since she's part of your everyday life you didn't really notice.  Sending a text asking how you are doesn't compare to actually being there for you and keeping things going during that time.  A text only takes a few seconds.  Yes, it's nice for people to check in with you, but try to put things in perspective.

Not sharing all your hobbies is not necessarily an issue for most people, it's good to have your separate interests.  Do you have good conversations and communication with your wife?  I think that's the most important part, connecting in that way.  You can make special efforts to have date nights or if time permits try to find a new hobby the two of you can share.  With young children I'm sure life gets really busy and focused on them.   

The lack of sex is a problem.  Unfortunately that's not likely to change since it's never really been different and she actually told you she doesn't care about it.

Your wife's weight gain may be her reaction to her own stress and unhappiness with how things are going.  

Do you have any desire to try and save your marriage?  Or are you only wondering what to do because you feel guilty?  Marriage (as life in general) can be difficult at times and you both have to have the desire to stay together and make things work.  Do both of you have that desire?  If so, marriage counseling might be a good start, especially if your communication with each other is not good.  But you both have to be committed to giving it a real try.  

As for your feelings for your ex, again, it's easy to have romantic feelings and longing to be with someone that you haven't had to share the day in and day out stresses of life with.  You have no idea if you and your ex would actually have what it takes to make a full on relationship work.  Don't include her in your consideration of what to do with your marriage. 

As for her ghosting you, that's a good thing.  It means she knows she's worth more than just being your occasional escape and that you need to figure out your marriage and your life without using her as a crutch.  If you care about her you will leave her alone while you deal with the issues at hand.      

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...