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5 minutes ago, 4paws said:

I see that and how everything is coming to light and how I see myself now, I dont want that. I dont want to be that person and I hate that I was ever that person. I hate that I could do these things to my husband to begin with and not even notice the damage I was doing. 

This is all going well. You're beginning to understand.

Now I'll say what I think about your husband. I think he's got some responsibility here that he's not accepting and something to learn - which he's not going to do it seems. These boundaries that were crossed were his responsibility to talk about as well. It's what I hope you will do from now on. He made assumptions about how you both think. He needed to ask a long time ago.

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HappilyMarried
2 hours ago, 4paws said:

That night wasnt a huge issue as weird as it is to say. In the moment of hearing a man's voice in the background it got him scrambling to figure out but angry enough to where he couldn't listen to me. I didnt realize how late it was due to the events that went on that night. There were 2 fights and we went to 2 different bars and then I helped get them home and the next thing I knew it was 4am. 

I dont drink, I never have. Im not a party girl and I dont stay out late. Me never staying out late made him think. Ive never been in a situation like that before and the main thing on my mind was my friend and that was it. 

As soon as my husband called me I got my best friend and we went home. I didnt talk to him when I got home because it was so late and he always tells me he doesn't want to talk when he is angry. The next morning I woke up to him telling me he wanted a divorce. (This is before knowing anything else).

He tracked my phone that night and I didnt understand how until the next night or so he posted something mean on FB about me so I went to go talk to a mutual friend (who is a girl). When I came home he asked where I went and I lied and said I went for a drive. He then showed me he knew I was lying because he tracked my phone. I told him I lied because I didnt want him to get mad at me for talking to our friend. It was a stupid reason to lie, but that 1 lie is what switched him to look into other things. 

I told him the truth about that night. The only thing I kept from his was that there were 2 fights. I kept that from him because I knew he would have said something about me going to another bar after a fight had broke out. Now he believes everything i told him about that night,  so thats why its not really a huge issue.

Thanks for clearing that up. Best of luck! I hope everything works out.

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HappilyMarried
On 12/7/2020 at 8:58 AM, 4paws said:

I sent you a message, but I will address that we worked with my best friend and she had told me that the mle nurse asked her how he could get with me or something along those lines. She told him I was in a happy relationship and then she told me what he said. I dont ever recall us talking about it nor do I ever recall him acting on it. He had also told me him and his wife were having issues, but I never had any intention of being with him or having any kind of romantic relationship with him whatsoever. 

My ex husband never wanted a divorce. He still loved me and wanted to stay married. I told him I was done but I also felt guilt from cheating on him. I never told my ex husband I cheated on him because him and my husband now had alot of the same friends even though they weren't really friends. It would've created more issues for my husband so we never told him or anyone other than our friends. 

During all of this my husband called my ex out of anger and told him that we had cheated on him. I didnt try to stop him, I just let him do what he felt he needed to do. Later we found out that apparently my ex had also not been faithful to me, but it never bothered me once I found out.

One more question if you don't mind. The bold part above from your post. The male nurse ask your friend how he could get with or " hook" up with you correct? You also say your friend told you about this. If you knew how he felt shouldn't you had made a point not to start up a close friendship with someone outside of work when your friend told you what he wanted. Also does your husband know this part you shared about the male nurse?

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6 hours ago, 4paws said:

 I helped get them home and the next thing I knew it was 4am. 

I dont drink, I never have. 

Look up Al-Anon. It will give you support and insight into this enabling behavior and your involvement with a problem drinker.

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You married the guy you cheated with.  Actions have consequences and you are now realizing them.   Deep down, he views you as a potential cheater (he knows for sure you were) and you have done some things that seem very suspicious.   Little wonder he suspects you quite honestly.   I'm sorry, but it seems very difficult to earn his trust again (which you never really had by virtue of your circumstances).   He is going to suspect you every time you are 5 minutes late from the grocery store.    Honestly, you may be better off divorcing in the long run and not being with an ex affair partner.   There is a lesson here for all of us.  Marrying your affair partner comes with some definite trust issues going forward.   No one could be 'saintly' enough to avoid them. 

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On 12/17/2020 at 12:23 AM, HappilyMarried said:

One more question if you don't mind. The bold part above from your post. The male nurse ask your friend how he could get with or " hook" up with you correct? You also say your friend told you about this. If you knew how he felt shouldn't you had made a point not to start up a close friendship with someone outside of work when your friend told you what he wanted. Also does your husband know this part you shared about the male nurse?

I honestly at the time didn't think it was a big deal. I justified it because no matter what he said to her it didn't matter because I was never going to do anything and I loved my husband. He does know about it, but not from me telling him. He found out from my best friend. I neglected to tell him that even though I should've. The nurse and I never discussed that subject either so in my mind at that time there wasn't an issue. Ive learned now that there was an issue since day 1.

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On 12/17/2020 at 4:05 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Look up Al-Anon. It will give you support and insight into this enabling behavior and your involvement with a problem drinker.

What do you mean by problem drinker?

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5 hours ago, 4paws said:

I honestly at the time didn't think it was a big deal. I justified it because no matter what he said to her it didn't matter because I was never going to do anything and I loved my husband. He does know about it, but not from me telling him. He found out from my best friend. I neglected to tell him that even though I should've. The nurse and I never discussed that subject either so in my mind at that time there wasn't an issue. Ive learned now that there was an issue since day 1.

You knew the guy wanted to sleep with you and you still carried on a secret "friendship". Why? Was it because you knew he wanted to sleep with you and enjoyed having this guy orbiting around you?

I ask because it seem to be a pattern with you. 

Secondly,  did you also know you would never sleep with your current husband when you first befriended him while married to your ex husband?

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14 hours ago, 4paws said:

I honestly at the time didn't think it was a big deal. I justified it because no matter what he said to her it didn't matter because I was never going to do anything and I loved my husband. He does know about it, but not from me telling him. He found out from my best friend. I neglected to tell him that even though I should've. The nurse and I never discussed that subject either so in my mind at that time there wasn't an issue. Ive learned now that there was an issue since day 1.

 

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

You knew the guy wanted to sleep with you and you still carried on a secret "friendship". Why? Was it because you ... enjoyed having this guy orbiting around you?”

I ask because it seem to be a pattern with you. 

Secondly,  did you also know you would never sleep with your current husband when you first befriended him while married to your ex husband?

I agree with the importance of pointing out the delusional thinking. Your explanation is “I honestly at the time didn’t think it was a big deal. I justified it because no matter what he said to her it didn't matter because I was never going to do anything and I loved my husband.” Now, what’s wrong with this thinking? Why is it delusional?  

Let’s take it one piece at a time: (1) “I honestly”: “Honestly” could be “sincerely, genuinely, truly, really” and so what? What difference does it make that you were sincere and unaware? In fact, THAT is the point. You were so honest and just kind of (sorry) dumb. I don’t mean to be rude, but you have to go back, back, back to how, when, where, and mainly WHY you started getting away with this kind of excuse. I was sincere, I really believed it. I honestly didn’t mean it that way. Look: we’re on this forum anonymously. With words only. My guess as to what’s missing for us to understand WHY there are all these disconnects between what people say, do and believe in your story is that the real-time physical affect of whatever you look like and whatever you do when you say this is missing. Maybe you’re drop dead gorgeous or irresistibly sexy. Maybe you bat your eyelashes, tear up, blink innocently, whisper. put your hand on your heart. It doesn’t register here. You are on an even playing field compared to no one and  “honestly” does NOT make touch anyone’s heart, mind or loins.

(2) “I honestly at the time...”: This “at the time” is a little better. You’re admitting that your thinking was different then. How was it different? 

(3) “I honestly at the time didn’t think it was a big deal.”  I hope the therapist is working. Your husband doesn’t believe you because you can’t just be straight and look at yourself and your own motives. THAT is all that matters. You’re still trying to understand why everyone is upset and give the right answers like you said somewhere else. You’re always trying to learn the right script. You’re just saying that NOW you’ve learned from this fallout and the pending loss of your husband that “it” was important. You dismiss “it” with indefinite pronouns right and left—“I neglected to tell him that even though I should've....The nurse and I never discussed that subject either so in my mind at that time there wasn't an issue ... I’ve learned now that there was an issue since day 1.” But really what it comes down to is what DKT3 asked: 

WHY did you encourage his company? 

WHY did you continue speaking to your ex-? 

Nothing else matters right now.

 

 

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Oh, and I didn’t even get to the delusional part about how you thought, since you loved your husband and (as you said in your opening post on this or the other thread) that you weren’t attracted to him physically, essentially that you weren’t doing anything wrong and that’s all that your husband really needed to know. 

This is delusional because “it” can still happen. It happens as people become closer, more intimate, help and support each other emotionally, become more sensitive, aware and responsive to each other’s needs - in short, start an emotional affair. Emotional affairs become physical affairs. Excusing it for the reasons YOU gave is delusional. 

I know the flaws of this argument personally. This is how my husband thought. It’s also delusional because he doesn’t know the first thing or accept responsibility for learning about his own mind and emotions and his own value system. The “heart” cannot be trusted or the mind andn sometimes you need help.  It’s a process and a commitment. It’s what you have to do, too.

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HappilyMarried
On 12/19/2020 at 9:04 PM, 4paws said:

I honestly at the time didn't think it was a big deal. I justified it because no matter what he said to her it didn't matter because I was never going to do anything and I loved my husband. He does know about it, but not from me telling him. He found out from my best friend. I neglected to tell him that even though I should've. The nurse and I never discussed that subject either so in my mind at that time there wasn't an issue. Ive learned now that there was an issue since day 1.

I went back and read your initial post a little closer and here is what I found interesting when reading a little closer. You current husband when he told you he did not want you talking to your ex husband any longer and you admitted to continue doing so after your divorce was finalized in Sept. 2014 correct? However you continued talking to him after this Sept. 2014 and you first post you say that was when you started secretly began texting and calling behind your husband's back with the male nurse at the exact same time Sept. 2014. So my question I guess based on your post you were texting and talking to both me behind your husband's back without his knowledge at the same time. 

I guess the question would be I believe you said your husband found these by going back this spring or summer and found all of these calls. So up until your husband found this out were you still talking still to both of these men privately behind his back up until you were caught this summer? Or had you stopped talking and texting these two men sometime back? If so how long ago?

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On 12/20/2020 at 3:00 AM, DKT3 said:

You knew the guy wanted to sleep with you and you still carried on a secret "friendship". Why? Was it because you knew he wanted to sleep with you and enjoyed having this guy orbiting around you?

I ask because it seem to be a pattern with you. 

Secondly,  did you also know you would never sleep with your current husband when you first befriended him while married to your ex husband?

I feel as though I justified it with he can want it all he wants he isn't going to get it and that's not what I want. I never planned to sleep with my current husband, but my relationship with my ex husband wasn't good and we were ending things. I had never been with someone like that before. 

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On 12/20/2020 at 1:49 PM, merrmeade said:

 

I agree with the importance of pointing out the delusional thinking. Your explanation is “I honestly at the time didn’t think it was a big deal. I justified it because no matter what he said to her it didn't matter because I was never going to do anything and I loved my husband.” Now, what’s wrong with this thinking? Why is it delusional?  

Let’s take it one piece at a time: (1) “I honestly”: “Honestly” could be “sincerely, genuinely, truly, really” and so what? What difference does it make that you were sincere and unaware? In fact, THAT is the point. You were so honest and just kind of (sorry) dumb. I don’t mean to be rude, but you have to go back, back, back to how, when, where, and mainly WHY you started getting away with this kind of excuse. I was sincere, I really believed it. I honestly didn’t mean it that way. Look: we’re on this forum anonymously. With words only. My guess as to what’s missing for us to understand WHY there are all these disconnects between what people say, do and believe in your story is that the real-time physical affect of whatever you look like and whatever you do when you say this is missing. Maybe you’re drop dead gorgeous or irresistibly sexy. Maybe you bat your eyelashes, tear up, blink innocently, whisper. put your hand on your heart. It doesn’t register here. You are on an even playing field compared to no one and  “honestly” does NOT make touch anyone’s heart, mind or loins.

(2) “I honestly at the time...”: This “at the time” is a little better. You’re admitting that your thinking was different then. How was it different? 

(3) “I honestly at the time didn’t think it was a big deal.”  I hope the therapist is working. Your husband doesn’t believe you because you can’t just be straight and look at yourself and your own motives. THAT is all that matters. You’re still trying to understand why everyone is upset and give the right answers like you said somewhere else. You’re always trying to learn the right script. You’re just saying that NOW you’ve learned from this fallout and the pending loss of your husband that “it” was important. You dismiss “it” with indefinite pronouns right and left—“I neglected to tell him that even though I should've....The nurse and I never discussed that subject either so in my mind at that time there wasn't an issue ... I’ve learned now that there was an issue since day 1.” But really what it comes down to is what DKT3 asked: 

WHY did you encourage his company? 

WHY did you continue speaking to your ex-? 

Nothing else matters right now.

 

 

I'm not really sure I know the reasons exactly. I know that all of this is very hard and discouraging. Im really at a point where I just want it to be all over with. I just don't want to exist and I wish that none of these people ever had to meet me.

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20 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

I went back and read your initial post a little closer and here is what I found interesting when reading a little closer. You current husband when he told you he did not want you talking to your ex husband any longer and you admitted to continue doing so after your divorce was finalized in Sept. 2014 correct? However you continued talking to him after this Sept. 2014 and you first post you say that was when you started secretly began texting and calling behind your husband's back with the male nurse at the exact same time Sept. 2014. So my question I guess based on your post you were texting and talking to both me behind your husband's back without his knowledge at the same time. 

I guess the question would be I believe you said your husband found these by going back this spring or summer and found all of these calls. So up until your husband found this out were you still talking still to both of these men privately behind his back up until you were caught this summer? Or had you stopped talking and texting these two men sometime back? If so how long ago?

Yes I was talking to both of them at the same time at some points all behind my husband's back. I hadn't spoke to the nurse since I think late 2015. His fiance at the time in 2018 passed away who I worked with so I attended the funeral and talked to him there. I sent him a message afterwards expressing again my condolences and said how I enjoyed working with him and that he should come to my place of employment. He never responded and we haven't spoke since. I haven't spoke to my ex husband since 2015 and he had tried to call me a few times a few years ago but every time he did I told my husband about it. He finally stopped trying to reach out to me, but I haven't spoken to him til then until I called him once all of this was going on and that was still the only time we talked.

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On 12/21/2020 at 4:32 PM, 4paws said:

I'm not really sure I know the reasons exactly. I know that all of this is very hard and discouraging. Im really at a point where I just want it to be all over with. I just don't want to exist and I wish that none of these people ever had to meet me.

Reread this just now and found it more than a little concerning. How are you, 4paws?

What’s happening?

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On 1/1/2021 at 11:29 AM, merrmeade said:

Reread this just now and found it more than a little concerning. How are you, 4paws?

What’s happening?

I've been emailing you with no response, I wasn't sure if it was something I said. I've been having some very dark days and that day was one of the worst. 

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