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Is Expecting Your Partner to be a Confidant Asking Too Much?


Shining One

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Shining One

I've been thinking about this for a while since it was a factor in the end of my last relationship. One of the reasons my ex gave for the breakup was that I refused to open up to her about certain things. I'm generally a private person, so I'm careful who I share certain things with. I only share with a confidant, which she could not be since she shared everything with her sister. The relationship was good overall, so I was willing to accept that she couldn't be a confidant, but the fact that I was unwilling to share with her became a deal-breaker for her.

After reading various threads on this forum and speaking to some of my female friends, I'm wondering if it's asking too much of a girlfriend to be a confidant. Does the relationship have to reach a higher level before that becomes "reasonable"?

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Emilie Jolie
31 minutes ago, Shining One said:

The relationship was good overall, so I was willing to accept that she couldn't be a confidant

My partner being my go-to sounding  board is a prerequisite for me. I need to know I can tell him anything. I'm also a very private person, but I accept my SO might want to discuss some aspects of our lives / me to family, and have no problems with it. I've no criminal record so I've no reason to sweat it.

Is there anything in particular you wouldn't want anyone to find out?

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Cookiesandough

 I absolutely do not think it is too much to ask. In fact, I think it’s very important in a healthy relationship. For most people, a huge part of having an SO  is to have that space for vulnerability that you can’t get elsewhere. Your partner should be your sanctuary, your rock, where you are safe from all of the other bs in the world. You should be able to trust them enough to be that for you.

That being sad, in all my relationships, I think I lost interest because the guy shared too much too soon. It’s like they were trying to find an emotional crutch in me when  I was still trying to find this beacon of strength in them. It probably has to be the right time, right amount, and right person.

I find it hard to believe that a man/woman would break up with someone for refusing to open up about certain things if everything else is good.Like you were willing to accept her privacy because the relationship was good. I feel like this was a gigantic excuse on her part, but that’s just conjecture on my part. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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It is reasonable to expect a partner to be able to keep your confidences to herself.   

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poppyfields

Shining, not sure what you mean by expecting your gf to be your confidant. 

But with respect to your ex's, it sounds more like they needed a deeper level of emotional intimacy than you felt or feel comfortable with in your relationships with women. 

Some couples share everything, all day long, I would find that suffocating personally.

And there are couples who barely share at all, who don't feel comfortable opening up about anything. 

They would rather share with friends or family, they may feel like opening up and sharing would be a burden on their partners. I actually have a couple of friends like this. 

It's about finding the right balance with your partner between opening up and wanting to remain private. 

And finding a partner with whom you desire to have that type of close intimate connection and bond with. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Shining One
21 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Is there anything in particular you wouldn't want anyone to find out?

While there's nothing criminal, there are certain things I don't want shared. If I share it with someone, I don't want it going beyond them, and I make that explicitly clear.

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Shining One
21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I find it hard to believe that a man/woman would break up with someone for refusing to open up about certain things if everything else is good. Like you were willing to accept her privacy because the relationship was good. I feel like this was a gigantic excuse on her part, but that’s just conjecture on my part. 

It was a factor in the breakup, but not the only factor.

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healing light
16 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

In fact, I think it’s very important in a healthy relationship. For most people, a huge part of having an SO  is to have that space for vulnerability that you can’t get elsewhere. Your partner should be your sanctuary, your rock, where you are safe from all of the other bs in the world. You should be able to trust them enough to be that for you.

Fully agree with this. I wouldn't feel like I was able to cultivate the type of emotional intimacy with you that I wanted if you didn't let me in all the way. 

However, I'm of the mindset that if there are weird dynamics in the relationship or you are feeling mistreated, it should be okay to go to a few trusted outsiders as a sounding board. Abuse and toxic dynamics tend to thrive in isolation. 

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Emilie Jolie

Sure. In which case you need to choose a trustworthy partner in whom you can confide. I would say a RL being 'good overall' doesn't cover all bases.

1 minute ago, Shining One said:

While there's nothing criminal, there are certain things I don't want shared. If I share it with someone, I don't want it going beyond them, and I make that explicitly clear.

 

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Shining One
9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Shining, not sure what you mean by expecting your gf to be your confidant.

I mean I expect that if I share something with her in confidence, it does not go beyond her. I would do the same for things she told me in confidence.

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But with respect to your ex's, it sounds more like they needed a deeper level of emotional intimacy than you felt or feel comfortable with in your relationships with women.

I'm only referring to one specific ex here, my most recent one. I've had a couple previous relationships in which the women were my confidants and I felt comfortable sharing with them.

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I think your partner should be a confidant.  But in order to share your deepest feelings and thoughts you need to trust they won't share them with anyone else. If your partner shared everything with her sister, then it's understandable you wouldn't feel free to tell her everything.  You should have told her WHY you didn't feel comfortable telling her things.  

She told you your lack of sharing was a deal breaker - that was a perfect time to tell her sharing everything with her sister was a deal breaker for you.  

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poppyfields
8 minutes ago, Shining One said:

I mean I expect that if I share something with her in confidence, it does not go beyond her. I would do the same for things she told me in confidence.

I'm only referring to one specific ex here, my most recent one. I've had a couple previous relationships in which the women were my confidants and I felt comfortable sharing with them.

First paragraph - yes I think this is definitely something you should expect.from your gf.  Almost demand (silently).

Second paragraph, sounds good, continue to strive for that!  :)

For some reason, you didn't feel that level of comfort with your last ex and that's okay!   You simply weren't a good fit is the way I see it.   Not on an emotional level anyway.

Edited by poppyfields
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Cookiesandough

I know what you mean. I’m just saying I don’t think it was a factor at all ... that’s my suspicion. Sounds like pure BS

 

people often say these things to extricate themselves from blame in leaving rship(your fault you didn’t open up)  and it becomes a red herring the person drives themselves crazy over 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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poppyfields

Shining, gonna have to disagree it was BS.  You admitted to not feeling comfortable opening up, to what extent we don't know. 

But if she needed a certain level of emotional intimacy that you were unable to provide, she has the right to end the relationship without it being deemed a BS excuse. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Shining One
9 minutes ago, FMW said:

You should have told her WHY you didn't feel comfortable telling her things.

I did. We talked about it in the first year of our relationship. I think we both hoped the other would "give in", but it never happened.

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35 minutes ago, Shining One said:

While there's nothing criminal, there are certain things I don't want shared. If I share it with someone, I don't want it going beyond them, and I make that explicitly clear.

I don't think you should ever have to "make it clear". If people are too socially inept to know when information is private, and keep it to themselves, then you can't tell them anything.  I don't care how close your GF is with her sister, you should be able to tell her something and be sure that she's not on the 'phone five minutes later treating your confidence like a bit of hot gossip. I have always found that many women have a problem with integrity, like gossiping is in their DNA. Aside from that, your GF's sister is not part of your relationship and your GF should figure that out and act on it. 

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simpycurious
1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

 I absolutely do not think it is too much to ask. In fact, I think it’s very important in a healthy relationship. For most people, a huge part of having an SO  is to have that space for vulnerability that you can’t get elsewhere. Your partner should be your sanctuary, your rock, where you are safe from all of the other bs in the world. You should be able to trust them enough to be that for you.

That being sad, in all my relationships, I think I lost interest because the guy shared too much too soon. It’s like they were trying to find an emotional crutch in me when  I was still trying to find this beacon of strength in them. It probably has to be the right time, right amount, and right person.

I find it hard to believe that a man/woman would break up with someone for refusing to open up about certain things if everything else is good.Like you were willing to accept her privacy because the relationship was good. I feel like this was a gigantic excuse on her part, but that’s just conjecture on my part. 

Why would you NOT want you SO to be your confidant?

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poppyfields
1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Why would you NOT want you SO to be your confidant?

Answer:   When your SO does not respect that the private matters you share with them should remain private between the two of you.

When that happens, then yeah that is a damn good reason why you wouldn't want your SO as your confidant.  

That said, if one is being mistreated or abused, while yes that is a private matter, you are not breaking a confidence shared by your partner and it's okay to reach out for help.

cookies, I am so wondering why you think Shining's ex was BSing him?  A gut feeling?  If so, I respect that.

However, I think ending a relationship because your partner is not as emotionally open or expressive as you need is a perfectly legit reason to end it.

Before my bf, I was dating an ER doctor and he was so cerebral and emotionally closed, try as I might cause he was a good man who as it turned out cared a great deal for me, I wasn't happy. 

Wrong or right, and I don't consider myself particularly needy, I needed a man more emotionally open and expressive so I broke up with him.  He was simply too cerebral "for me."  

 

Edited by poppyfields
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3 hours ago, basil67 said:

It is reasonable to expect a partner to be able to keep your confidences to herself.   

That said, different people will have different comfort levels having deep, emotional discussions. 

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simpycurious
56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Answer:   When your SO does not respect that the private matters you share with them should remain private between the two of you.

When that happens, then yeah that is a damn good reason why you wouldn't want your SO as your confidant.  

That said, if one is being mistreated or abused, while yes that is a private matter, you are not breaking a confidence shared by your partner and it's okay to reach out for help.

cookies, I am so wondering why you think Shining's ex was BSing him?  A gut feeling?  If so, I respect that.

However, I think ending a relationship because your partner is not as emotionally open or expressive as you need is a perfectly legit reason to end it.

Before my bf, I was dating an ER doctor and he was so cerebral and emotionally closed, try as I might cause he was a good man who as it turned out cared a great deal for me, I wasn't happy. 

Wrong or right, and I don't consider myself particularly needy, I needed a man more emotionally open and expressive so I broke up with him.  He was simply too cerebral "for me."  

 

Well, you shouldn't mistreat or abuse anyone for any reason.......nobody deserves to be treated as such

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Your instincts were right and GOD BLESS YOU FOR FOLLOWING THEM. If your ex, or girl, or whatever or however you described her, was unable to keep things between YOU AND HER... There would be, and never could be, any trust between you. You are better off WITHOUT her.   I'm like you.. It takes a LOT for me to trust someone.. And if you break that trust even with something simple, and YES, I'm going to test you... You are DONE... If I share something with you in confidence, I damn well expect you to take that secret to the grave with you. If I find out from someone else that you told them, or you tell me that you told someone else... I won't share anything important with you going forward, and that's pretty much the end of our relationship. I know it's hard.. But you DO NOT need a loose-lipped woman like that in your life. A relationship is between YOU and HER... NOT you, her, her sister, her family, and any other stranger she chooses to share your intimate details with. Trust 101. Either she has it and she's on to the next test.. Or she fails it, and nothing else matters as she is OUT at that point. Kudos to you for having the testicular fortitude to cut that cord once she violated, or wanted to violate, one of your core beliefs.

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Cookiesandough

@simpycurious I agree. I think we all want that and vice versa. We want someone we can trust with anything and trusts us back with anything. But practically, it can be much more difficult. That’s not to say I expect my SO to be a Vulcan. I love it when a guy feels close enough with me to share some of his secrets. It’s hot 

 


Poppy, yes I can explain my belief.  It is atypical of how I see romantic attraction work. I can explain it best by saying I believe in two categories of  ‘cons’ that motivate  our attraction/desire to be with someone. One are cons that decrease our attraction to the person. Things like neediness, let themselves go, boring...We don’t like it and we lose interest. . Then there’s  cons we also don’t like, but actually increase our interest in the person. A little secrecy/mystery is one of these. We don’t like it, but at the same time,we love it. I don’t see holding back some things/keeping it private because they’ve expressed to you that you talk too much to others as being as strong of a motivator to break up as being closed off emotionally or “cerebral” (that actually reads as boring and emotionally disconnected from you to me.) In addition,, I’m not proud to say I’ve done some misdirection of the same ilk when breaking up with someone. It’s not malicious. It’s used to soften the blow from the breakup and usually accomplishes its goal. The only fallout is that these people never have the true reason as to what happened and perpetually make the same mistake in their next relationship.  Just my 2 cent. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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23 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That said, different people will have different comfort levels having deep, emotional discussions. 

True.  But I understood that the OP didn't share only because she'd blab to her sister.  

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Lotsgoingon

Was the sister a jerk? ... How did you know she was sharing your stories with her sister?

The answer to your question is yes, people want someone who is a confidant. But sounds like the problem you have had is that your gf was overly close with her sister. Was the relationship between them kinda dysfunctional?

There is something about your tone here that suggests some kind of fear of being talked about. News: gfs and bf's will talk about partners to their friends. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. In fact, I would say it's essential ... and discussing some very personal details is often extremely important as asking one person to NEVER mention something to ANYONE ... is putting a lot of pressure on them. People want the right to process and share what they are learning about their partner with their friends. 

I assume a woman I am with will share some of my disclosures to her closest friends ... I think that's quite healthy. I don't have a problem with that. I want the same right, to share some issues I've learned with my closest friends. Some disclosures are really bombshells, and it really helps for people to be able to think out loud with friends.

The relationships where a spouse is terrified of telling a friend anything serious about the wife ... I'm not sure those are good relationships. 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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I think it's too much to ask for a woman to keep everything private from her closest people. There are exceptions of course like there would be no matter who confided in you. If there was a reason you need to keep something secret than you need to be able to do that. But it's kind of a survival trait with women that they need their closest people to kind of know what's going on with them in their relationship. They shouldn't say anything that would humiliate you. 

Edited by preraph
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