do I need to tell my spouse about affair?

[usa1ah]

10 hours ago, vocalize said:

Why did I let it happen in the first place? I admit that I liked the attention and flattery that AP gave me and I was not strong enough to say no. It was just flirting in the beginning, and then a couple of pics, but no compromising pics with headshots. And at that time, it felt less sinful than an actual physical affair, of which I am 110% certain I would never engage in. I have never (and will never) flirted with any other guy in real life while I was with my husband or when I was dating.

I don’t think I’m ready to tell right now due to so many reasons. I feel horrible at how hurt and angry my husband will be if I tell him. Yes, many have said that going into the affair already caused him to be hurt, but there is a difference in that only I am suffering right now instead of both of us. Ironically, I did bring this up to AP in the beginning, that we shouldn’t be doing this because we’re hurting our spouses. Sadly, I didn’t end it earlier cos I’m weak and gullible. If I could go back and change what I did, I would absolutely.

Does anyone know of any online site where I can reach out to a good therapist or counsellor? I’m not sure if I’m comfortable going to see one in real life.

You really need to see someone in real life. 

[Lotsgoingon]

There are people out there who are doing therapy online ... not sure how much longer insurance will cover that. Typically one person (either patient or the provider) has to be at an office for a video meeting. That rule has been suspended during the quarantine.

But ... frankly, your fear of going to therapy is part of the problem. Claiming that need and going to an office is part of the healing. You're hiding and hiding got you into trouble and will keep you in trouble. Seriously part of the value of therapy is going to an office, feeling a little weird the first time, but taking a seat in an outside office before seeing your counseling. After a few weeks, you lose your self-consciousness. You see other people coming and going. They look "normal." 

But that's part of the healing. If you're afraid to go to counseling, then I don't how you are going to resolve this problem you have. We have to step up life's opportunities. Fail to do that and people lose patience with our problems. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Zona]

14 hours ago, vocalize said:

I don’t think I’m ready to tell right now due to so many reasons. I feel horrible at how hurt and angry my husband will be if I tell him. 

If you were to be honest, there is one reason why your won't tell your husband. You are worried about the consequences you will face. If I had a dime for every wayward that said they were not telling their spouse because they wanted to  "protect them", I would be a rich man.

You do sound genuinely remorseful, and it seems you do love your husband. The downside of that is the guilt is going to eat away at you until you finally come clean. Why live like that? Most marriages do not end if there is infidelity if both want to reconcile.

[pepperbird]

op,

I reread some of your posts, and it sounds like you want kids but don't have any. Is that by choice or something else?
If it's not by choice, have you and your husband really talked about that?It it a source of grief for you that hard to address?

[vocalize]

11 hours ago, pepperbird said:

op,

I reread some of your posts, and it sounds like you want kids but don't have any. Is that by choice or something else?
If it's not by choice, have you and your husband really talked about that?It it a source of grief for you that hard to address?

I lost 2 pregnancies a few years ago. Yes my husband and I have talked about it and he has been nothing but caring and supportive. I suppose Lotsgoingon made a point I haven't considered, which is that those failures made me feel inadequate and might have played a part in my decision to get into the affair. 

[usa1ah]

4 hours ago, vocalize said:

I lost 2 pregnancies a few years ago. Yes my husband and I have talked about it and he has been nothing but caring and supportive. I suppose Lotsgoingon made a point I haven't considered, which is that those failures made me feel inadequate and might have played a part in my decision to get into the affair. 

That is just an excuse. 
 

You did it because you wanted to. 

[schlumpy]

Please own your decision to have an EA Vocalize. Your use of your miscarriages as an excuse is the same strategy you used during your affair.

Own your decision or risk repeating it.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, vocalize said:

I lost 2 pregnancies a few years ago. Yes my husband and I have talked about it and he has been nothing but caring and supportive. I suppose Lotsgoingon made a point I haven't considered, which is that those failures made me feel inadequate and might have played a part in my decision to get into the affair. 

I would think if you felt inadequate by losing 2 pregnancies you would feel even more inadequate to lose your marriage too.  This excuse doesn't cut it.

Edited June 3, 2020 by stillafool

[pepperbird]

12 hours ago, vocalize said:

I lost 2 pregnancies a few years ago. Yes my husband and I have talked about it and he has been nothing but caring and supportive. I suppose Lotsgoingon made a point I haven't considered, which is that those failures made me feel inadequate and might have played a part in my decision to get into the affair. 

I am so sorry to hear that. It can be so heartbreaking. The shame of it is that society doesn't really talk about that or the pain a woman can feel when she looses a child.

If you talk to your husband about it, what does he say?

[vocalize]

On 6/4/2020 at 3:04 AM, pepperbird said:

I am so sorry to hear that. It can be so heartbreaking. The shame of it is that society doesn't really talk about that or the pain a woman can feel when she looses a child.

If you talk to your husband about it, what does he say?

Thanks pepperbird for your kind words. My husband is really understanding, comforting and never blames me for any of it. 

[vocalize]

On 6/3/2020 at 7:02 PM, schlumpy said:

Please own your decision to have an EA Vocalize. Your use of your miscarriages as an excuse is the same strategy you used during your affair.

Own your decision or risk repeating it.

I never used my miscarriages as an excuse. I said in my post that it may have influenced my decision, but it was still my decision. I don't need you or usalah or stillafool interpreting my feelings for me.  

[schlumpy]

18 minutes ago, vocalize said:

 I don't need you or usalah or stillafool interpreting my feelings for me.  

OK. I hope things work out for you. All the best.

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Vocalize, with what you have stated about your miscarriages, I was wondering if you and your husband have considered some of the possible ways to have children through medical intervention. What have your doctors had to say about the possible reason for your miscarriages? If it is due to some pre existing condition that you are suffering from then maybe that could be rectified medically. You could also consider IVF treatment to overcome fertility or other problems which may exist. I'm  not very knowledgeable about the reasons why women have miscarriages but have known of cases where this problem has been overcome. This is just s suggestion and you should make your own decisions to address this if you are eager to have children of your own. 

However, to come back to your dilemma at hand, you have been given advice and opinions from all sides of the question. I just wanted to know whether you have arrived at a decision on how you are going to handle this problem? You will only be at peace once you have resolved the matter to your satisfaction. Warm wishes.

Edited June 5, 2020 by Just a Guy
Corrections.

[pepperbird]

6 hours ago, vocalize said:

Thanks pepperbird for your kind words. My husband is really understanding, comforting and never blames me for any of it. 

Good.
I know it might not mean much coming from a stranger, but I am glad to hear you could go to him.

[Starswillshine]

I havent read the entire thread, so my apologies if these have been answered. Do you know this AP in real life or is it only someone you know online? If you know him, does your BS know him? Is this someone that you could run into in town? Etc. 

I'm a BS, and I normally always fall under the must tell camp. My xWH first only admitted to an EA when I found a text. He said they met one night at a bar, exchanged numbers and only text since. She was in another country, so I tried to believe that (it, of course, was all lies). Nevertheless, when I thought it was only sexting, I was still completely devastated. I couldnt eat. I lost all sorts of weight. Became extremely underweight. People would ask my teenage kids if I was sick or something. I'm sure there was some unkind words said around my small town given how thin I got over night (people typically assume drugs or some illness). And that was only when I thought it was only sexting. No phone calls, etc. 

Those types affairs are purely built in fantasy. And if there is not a possiblity that you would see this man. And if you do not know him. And if your husband does not know him... then, and only then, I would say be completely NC... which means dont look at his social media, block all numbers and ways he can contact you, and try to move on with your life. And the NC is for you, to keep your feelings of longing for this fantasy away. 

If you know this guy, if it is possible to run into him, if this is a guy your husband knows, you may want to consider discussing it with your husband. As painful as it will be for the both of you. 

[MilaVaneela]

@vocalize, hi. 

I’m very sorry about your miscarriages. I understand how heartbreaking it is to lose a much wanted unborn child... it’s terrible. 

I have a question, and I ask it in a sincere attempt to help and give you some perspective.  Have you behaved any differently toward your husband since you started this affair? 
 

Many times wayward spouses begin comparing their betrayed spouses very, very unfavorably to the affair partner and thus begin to be harsh, nitpicky, and sometimes even crossing the line into being overtly cruel to them. It’s terrible as it leaves the BS wondering what they did wrong, blaming themselves for the WS’s sudden change in attitude and behavior... have you been distant with your husband, less forgiving of his quirks and flaws (every human has them of course but to the WS in an affair they seem to be a target)? If so, how would you feel if your husband began suddenly behaving the same way toward you? 
 

Please understand that I don’t say this to shame you or make you feel worse. It’s just another angle to consider in deciding whether to tell your husband about this affair. 

[understand50]

Vocalize,

I think you can thank your lucky stars this did not go physical.   That would be a wholly different situation.  I do think you should tell your husband, but I am one who does not think the EA are in the same league as a PA.  Yeah, they can we heralds of things to come, but if you stopped it and nothing came of it, then it just is not at the same level.  Keep in mind, I am thinking of the type the was just on line, if you met, and kissed or had contact, it is a PA even with out intercourse.

Having stated the above, I would let your husband  know.  I would take the line, that I had stared talking to someone online, and it got a little out of hand, here is the correspondence if you would like to read it.  I think some tend to slam others, when in the end they do the right thing, as you did.  The other thing I would like to bring up, is in life you will and should have friendships with the opposite sex. I fail to see why men, and women, cannot have friend ships with each other.  For those that are afraid of slipping past a line, I would state, that you need to work on your boundaries.  Not every woman, or man, you become friends with needs to be "bedded".   On the contrary.  

 

I wish you luck.

 

 

[Buffer]

So have you told?

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[Dimjo9]

On 5/24/2020 at 10:15 PM, vocalize said:

I had an online affair for about 3 months. There was no physical contact, just sexting and sending pictures. It ended over a week ago. My relationship with my spouse is wonderful, we don't have any major problems. The reason I cheated was because I was feeling lonely at that time. However, my spouse has been my rock and as twisted as it sounds, his love is helping me to get over the affair breakup. 

My question is, do I need to tell my spouse? If I don't, will it cause any problems in the future? 

Cheating destroys relationships.. What is done in darkness will go into the Light !!

[SRCSRC]

I think you are fortunate that the AP does not live near your.  Regardless of what you say, it could have evolved into a PA.  Sounds like the OM ended it so you were still open to continue.  The internet makes such behavior so easy.  It's a temptation everyone should avoid at all costs.  I am a BS, but I don't think you should be burnt at the stake for EA.   But you should address your problem before it leads to something worse one day.  I suspect it will unless you diligently get to the bottom of this act.  If this episode sufficiently scares you and you take appropriate steps to make sure you never ever consider cheating on your husband, take this episode to your grave.  Counseling with a good therapist  is a MUST.  Good luck to you and your husband.