emilythorn Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 So I've been dating this guy for almost one year now. We have a wonderful relationship, we spend most of our free time together, we've been quarantining together, he introduced me to his family. It would look like the perfect relationship. However, he hasn't been able to say I love you. He had a pretty nasty divorce and this caused him to shut down his feelings. He doesn't say I love you, but his actions make it looks like love. He's constantly checking on me, he takes pictures of silly daily activities and shares with me, even when he's busy he tries to come over and say hi, when I'm busy he takes care of stuff to make things easier on me. So, I get really confused cause his actions show love but he can't say that he loves me. We talked and he said that he doesn't know why he's so defensive, but I guess he's afraid to love and have his heartbroken again. I asked him whether he sees a future for us and he said yes, that he wants to get past this. Could he love me but not be able to say it because he's afraid? Could he be in denying his feelings? Should I worry that he can't say the L- word? How long should I keep this going? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 As long as he's meeting your expectations in all ways except for verbally expressing his love, I would probably say stick with it for awhile unless/until it becomes a major stumbling block for you. I definitely want to hear the words, so I understand it being a real issue. You'll just have to weigh all the pros against that and any other cons and decide if you want to hang in there or walk. As to how long you give it, if you decide he has to say it or you're going to go, you'll know when you get to your breaking point. If you are wanting to start a family then of course you have to take the biological clock angle into consideration. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 His actions do seem to say "I love you." Is he in therapy or anything for this issue? What is he doing to get past it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, emilythorn said: So I've been dating this guy for almost one year now. We have a wonderful relationship, we spend most of our free time together, we've been quarantining together, he introduced me to his family. It would look like the perfect relationship. However, he hasn't been able to say I love you. He had a pretty nasty divorce and this caused him to shut down his feelings. He doesn't say I love you, but his actions make it looks like love. He's constantly checking on me, he takes pictures of silly daily activities and shares with me, even when he's busy he tries to come over and say hi, when I'm busy he takes care of stuff to make things easier on me. So, I get really confused cause his actions show love but he can't say that he loves me. We talked and he said that he doesn't know why he's so defensive, but I guess he's afraid to love and have his heartbroken again. I asked him whether he sees a future for us and he said yes, that he wants to get past this. Could he love me but not be able to say it because he's afraid? Could he be in denying his feelings? Should I worry that he can't say the L- word? How long should I keep this going? The words are just as powerful as the actions for many people. I have always believed that with action, should/must come the words. There is added power to the verbalization of one's feelings. He may have strong feelings for you, but saying the words feels like the final nails in a coffin and he isn't ready to help hammer them in just yet. He may be hurt from the past and somewhat uncertain now because of it. On the other hand, some people are just very attentive and considerate and they truly are not feeling love...yet. I try to be as attentive to those I seriously date, so you would see the same actions from me regardless of the level of affection I feel for you while I continue with the progression of the relationship. Edited May 25, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) Guy here and yep he certainly could , Not saying he does don't know him but yeah he could easily put it off, l did with my gf for the same reasons l've felt terrible but it's out now , it was around 16mths at the time, l dunno it's like once you say things you've lost your protection and l just wasn't ready for that given the past . Felt it 1000 times but l just couldn't give into it, luckily my gf's was patient and felt it and sees that l did . Might take him awhile yet he needs to know this is going to last and that he trusts you and this. And really , 12 mths is nothing yet for any real relationship but if it is going to last then once it comes out , well. all better. Edited May 25, 2020 by chillii 2 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 12 hours ago, emilythorn said: So I've been dating this guy for almost one year now. We have a wonderful relationship, we spend most of our free time together, we've been quarantining together, he introduced me to his family. It would look like the perfect relationship. However, he hasn't been able to say I love you. He had a pretty nasty divorce and this caused him to shut down his feelings. He doesn't say I love you, but his actions make it looks like love. He's constantly checking on me, he takes pictures of silly daily activities and shares with me, even when he's busy he tries to come over and say hi, when I'm busy he takes care of stuff to make things easier on me. So, I get really confused cause his actions show love but he can't say that he loves me. We talked and he said that he doesn't know why he's so defensive, but I guess he's afraid to love and have his heartbroken again. I asked him whether he sees a future for us and he said yes, that he wants to get past this. Could he love me but not be able to say it because he's afraid? Could he be in denying his feelings? Should I worry that he can't say the L- word? How long should I keep this going? I do think that some ARE AFRAID of loving someone. They are afraid of love for a variety of reasons. They worry the other person does not love them, they worry that it won't last, they worry that they will be hurt....it's to "paint a pretty smile on your face" think and act like you are in love but how do you really know? How do you KNOW when you have true love and do most actually want that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 When you've been through 20yrs of marriage , and divorce , and other relationships , and probably been screwed around on too somewhere in there, it's common sense to take your time and be careful from there , well , your an idiot if you aren't anyway put it that way. Pretty simple. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 Some people will just let their actions do the talking for them because it just isn't the easiest thing to say if you've been hurt or skeptical. They're just not really willing to say it over the fear of being hurt again and they'll simply just refrain from doing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 13 hours ago, emilythorn said: He doesn't say I love you, but his actions make it looks like love. Plenty of guys rarely if ever say "I love you". But as you say, you can tell by there actions. It's okay! Whatsamatter, you no like-a Squint Eastwood?! Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: The words are just as powerful as the actions for many people. I have always believed that with action, should/must come the words. There is added power to the verbalization of one's feelings. ^^^ Agreed with this. I wouldn't say these words unless unless I really mean it, so maybe he's not there yet. If he is demonstrating with his actions, keep looking for that. Actions speak louder than words, true? 🙂 Have you told him that you love him? Edited May 25, 2020 by spiritedaway2003 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) for some people, saying "I love you" means actions have to be put in place that they are not ready to engage in---being accountable, being on-the-record vulnerable to someone new, etc. They're not going to say it until they're actually ready to live it--and I mean live it by their definition of what "I love you" means, not yours. Having said that, though--what has he done with a therapist to get over his divorce and the feelings behind the demise of his marriage? If he's done nothing but hop back into a relationship because he missed having regular sex, then he could be just using his feelings as an excuse because he's done nothing to resolve his feelings. If he's over the age of 28, it shouldn't take him over a year to figure out if he loves you enough to say it to you... sounds to me like he's stalling for time. How long was it from the end of the marriage to him dating you? Edited May 25, 2020 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 Think about all the people you know that are divorced now, actively cheating or take their spouse for granted. Then think about how often they said, " I Love you." Probably after every phone call, every time they left for work in the morning and every night before bed. Saying I love you can be a reflex that is devoid of meaning. It's much like asking someone, "how are you?" Are you in a safe place that he has created where you can interact and have confidence in his feelings for you? Saying "I love you" won't improve on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 Whilst I agree that he may just need some time and his actions show it then it's fine, it has been one year, which is a very long time to not say it at all. If he is scared than he has some issues he really needs to deal with. You would not have made this thread if it didn't bother you, so you should talk to him about it and how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 I cannot really add anything to the discussion. Some very great points already stated. So...let's just focus on you. 1. What are you love languages? (I don't buy into that stuff, or things like astrology, as excuses for behavior or choices. But they do help explain or give perspective on things). If you feel you need to hear the words right now, despite all his actions and choices showing you he "loves" you... then have a conversation with him about it. 2. What are you feeling right now? Are you not feeling loved? Or are you just fearful that by him not saying it, he doesn't love you or may cut and run? Those are two different things entirely. Or you could be feeling both. And neither of those feelings are wrong. It's just important to clarify because it will help you decide what to do and for how long. 3. Is he trying any therapy or at least stuff like meditation, journaling, etc. to help him get over this block? 4. If you love him and see a future with him what are or can you do to help him get over this "hump"? 5. If you continue down this path with him as is, can you sit down with him sometime in near future and lay things out completely, honestly, and without judgment and shame? And without threats of abandonment. For your happiness and health and for his happiness and health and for your happiness as a couple, sitting down and letting him know that you understand his pain, you understand his heartache, you understand his desire to not be hurt again, but that you need to not be heartbroken either that if you want to continue on, he's got to get past it and that there will come a time when it's necessary for him to say it for the relationship to continue. Gentle, understanding, but action based, somewhat time bound, and clear. Great guys can experience fear after a heartbreak. And they can and often get over it, but on their own schedule. Now, that doesn't mean you need to sit and wait around forever either. But at this point you are the person feeling something amiss in the relationship so it's on you to take the initiative and share that, help him understand your point of view, and then put a plan in place or to decide that while he's a great guy, he can't give you what you need. Of course, maybe trying different angles (Do you have pet names for each other?) might work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 I’m of a different mind of this. I don’t think falling for someone/love is something people have voluntary control over. I’m not saying love can’t be very scary and there may be some push pull depending on the person’s issues... but ultimately they have fallen for you it’s not within their control. If they want to be with you and know you want to be with them, they will come. What happens usually is the person hasn’t fallen or at least isn’t 100% sure and doesn’t want to say what they don’t mean. It’s an ego mechanism to say “they’re pushing me away because of their issues/fear”When that same person has no problem committing to an ily to another. It has been almost a year. This person is unsure and they aren’t giving you what you need. He may come around to say it eventually, but I doubt this will never be the passionate, ily type love you seem to be looking for with him. I’m sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 Be thankful you’re met with feeling loved by his actions. Too many people throw the L word all the time and the actions don’t match. You just gotta be patient and it’ll come 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 Changing subjects for a sec, cookies your pup is soooooooo cute, I just saw the pic, omg, priceless!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 On 5/24/2020 at 8:07 PM, emilythorn said: ... Could he love me but not be able to say it because he's afraid? Could he be in denying his feelings? Should I worry that he can't say the L- word? How long should I keep this going? Actions always speak louder than words, and words are not everyone's love language. Being traumatized in a prior relationship doesn't help. It could also be personality type thing, some types (i.e Myers-Briggs) do not say it lightly at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) Only thing I will say is: Go by the person's actions and not words or lack of words. It is just words and plenty of people say those three words and never mean it, If his actions make you feel loved and adored then why do you need the words If and when he does say those words you know he will 100% mean it Edited May 29, 2020 by Juha Link to post Share on other sites
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