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So, after many times of going back and forth with a guy I was “talking to” for the last year, it has FINALLY clicked in my head that he’s been stringing me along this whole time. We’d connect, he’d tell me what I wanted to hear (he sees a future, he loves me too, his head gets in the way), we’d  reunite for a night and have sex, only to have him fade away. The cycle went this way numerous times. 
 

I’m now so hurt, as it’s crystal clear that his intentions were hardly pure. I know I DID play a role too, as I continued to put myself BACK in the situation and always hoped for a different outcome. I’m beating myself up relentlessly because of it, believe me! 

My question is- if he EVER reached out to me again, should I just ignore him? Part of me feels that’s what I need to do to send the message that I’m done, and to not even talk any chances of being sucked back in by his BS. The other part thinks that’s immature though and I should just be civil and cut the conversation short. 

How would you respond? Has anyone else been through a similar thing? Just looking for input...

Edited by LB2016
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miranda561
1 hour ago, LB2016 said:

So, after many times of going back and forth with a guy I was “talking to” for the last year, it has FINALLY clicked in my head that he’s been stringing me along this whole time. We’d connect, he’d tell me what I wanted to hear (he sees a future, he loves me too, his head gets in the way), we’d  reunite for a night and have sex, only to have him fade away. The cycle went this way numerous times. 
 

I’m now so hurt, as it’s crystal clear that his intentions were hardly pure. I know I DID play a role too, as I continued to put myself BACK in the situation and always hoped for a different outcome. I’m beating myself up relentlessly because of it, believe me! 

My question is- if he EVER reached out to me again, should I just ignore him? Part of me feels that’s what I need to do to send the message that I’m done, and to not even talk any chances of being sucked back in by his BS. The other part thinks that’s immature though and I should just be civil and cut the conversation short. 

How would you respond? Has anyone else been through a similar thing? Just looking for input...

 

I think silence is the best option. You fade out on him the exact same way he does with you

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CaliforniaGirl

Yes, of course you should just ignore him next time. You are literally his bootie call, what is there to say?

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Thank you to those that replied!

Like I initially said, part of me felt somewhat responsible for the situation because I did allow it to happen; I played along with it. I did this Bc of how much I liked him though, and he KNEW how I felt about him.

So, I was doubting myself and wondering if I had a right to be “mad” at him. It felt wrong to one day be confessing my feelings to him, and then switch and go into bit** mode. I feel that by doing that, Im not being a person of my word and am being inconsistent.

I also feel like ignoring his texts all together was a bit on the immature side.  But then I ask myself, why would I even continue to let that come into my life again- in any capacity. 

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CaliforniaGirl
1 hour ago, LB2016 said:

Thank you to those that replied!

Like I initially said, part of me felt somewhat responsible for the situation because I did allow it to happen; I played along with it. I did this Bc of how much I liked him though, and he KNEW how I felt about him.

So, I was doubting myself and wondering if I had a right to be “mad” at him. It felt wrong to one day be confessing my feelings to him, and then switch and go into bit** mode. I feel that by doing that, Im not being a person of my word and am being inconsistent.

I also feel like ignoring his texts all together was a bit on the immature side.  But then I ask myself, why would I even continue to let that come into my life again- in any capacity. 

Who cares whether he thinks you're immature? He flat out lies to get p. He's a judge of character?

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Calmandfocused

Well done for finally waking up to him.

Once you know- you go! You don’t need to inform him. Letting him know only gives him power and satisfaction. Don’t give that to him. 
 

No need to ignore. Just delete and block. 
 

Who cares what he thinks? He hasn’t cared about you this past year. Think of yourself and get rid of him. 
 

This way you can recover and will be emotionally available for another man in the future. 

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Hello! He has been very rude by taking advantage of you, not caring about your feelings. So, whatever he may think of you, you shouldn't care. 

Just ignore him and go on with your life, I am sure you'll find someone who really appreciates you! :) 

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Thank you and I agree with what everyone said.

Please don’t misunderstand though, it’s ME that cares how I look. I pride myself on always taking the high road and making decisions that will leave me feeling at peace within. But in this situation, I know it’s different. 

To be honest though, I’m at the point where I’m so disgusted and hurt. I know not responding would be like giving him the finger to his face, which is what he needs and deserves. I have lost ALL respect for him. The thought of not responding is NO longer unsettling to me.

I do need to forgive myself though. I can’t tell you how MAD I’ve been at myself for actually letting this continue. It’s truly amazing how blind you can be to situations!

I HOPE he tries to text me again so I can purposely ignore him. I can guarantee that he won’t though. I’m not needed anymore and he’s groomed his next woman. But regardless, I now have PEACE with decision to ignore this POS. 

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Cookiesandough
1 hour ago, LB2016 said:

Thank you and I agree with what everyone said.

Please don’t misunderstand though, it’s ME that cares how I look. I pride myself on always taking the high road and making decisions that will leave me feeling at peace within. But in this situation, I know it’s different. 

To be honest though, I’m at the point where I’m so disgusted and hurt. I know not responding would be like giving him the finger to his face, which is what he needs and deserves. I have lost ALL respect for him. The thought of not responding is NO longer unsettling to me.

I do need to forgive myself though. I can’t tell you how MAD I’ve been at myself for actually letting this continue. It’s truly amazing how blind you can be to situations!

I HOPE he tries to text me again so I can purposely ignore him. I can guarantee that he won’t though. I’m not needed anymore and he’s groomed his next woman. But regardless, I now have PEACE with decision to ignore this POS. 

I’m sorry that this happened. Be glad you learned his quality before you got even more involved. I understand that you’re angry , but remember that you are only disgust and hurt is from losing an idea of him that you built...Not who he really is. Just  ignore him because he no longer exist to you. Now you have space in your life to meet and fall for a great (mature) person. . Good luckums🤗

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poppyfields
2 hours ago, LB2016 said:

I HOPE he tries to text me again so I can purposely ignore him. 

Hey LB, so if I got this right, you want him to text again, only so you can ignore him, thus giving you the last word, or rather the last ignore?  And you win?  That's kinda of what it sounds like.

If you truly wanted him gone for good, you would be happy if he doesn't contact you again.  Really, who cares about who got the last ignore?  That sounds like a game to me.

Plus I don't think ignoring him will work anyway, it will just get him back into chase mode, then what?  Just continue ignoring?  Would that be empowering for you?

Look I get it, guy strung you along and that hurts!  But as you said, you followed his agenda and went along, so that's kinda on you.

If you truly want this guy gone for good, should he text again, why not just tell him it was fun, but you're not into it anymore? 

No need to spill your feels about wanting and needing more, blah blah, just a very matter of fact statement that you are no longer into it (whatever it was), bored with it, wish him well, BYE.

Then BLOCK.  

That ends the game and allows you to move on in peace, which is what you said you wanted, right?

Just a suggestion, it's what I would do.  I hate being ignored, it's cowardly to me. 

No matter how shyty a guy has treated me, I end it with words, as brief as possible, and be done with it.  Then block.

Ignoring only leaves the door open for either him or you to pop back in later. 

Is that what you want?  Serious question. 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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And THIS is why I came to post on this board!


Yes, Poppy- that’s what I contemplate. I guess the whole idea to be able to not respond is to send the message that i’m done and to get my power back. Although I know that can be done in other ways. 
 

I know it’s cowardly and childish to NOT respond, as I’ve been on the receiving end from others and always hated it! The thing is, I’ve told this guy a FEW times that I was done, that I know it’s not going anywhere, I wished him well, etc. But then I’d have my “weak” moments and reach out to him. Shame on ME. I feel like at this point, MY own words have lost credibility. So this silent response was a different one, and a louder one at that. I’ve NEVER ignored him before. He’s learned he can always work his way back “in.”  Again- I know I TAUGHT him that. I take total responsibility- trust me. 
 

Like I said- this time is hitting me differently.  I mean- he was willing to come over on my BIRTHDAY 3 weeks ago- HIS idea! Knowing the history of how things always played out AFTER the fact and he’d disappear, I basically put the ball in his court and said if his intentions were pure, then come. He responds with saying he doesn’t want me to regret having him come over. At that point, I said I had my answer. He didn’t pursue, wished me a happy birthday, said to have a good night,  and that was it. I haven’t heard a peep from him since. Meanwhile, I find out he was simultaneously  “working his way” back to an ex. 

I really don’t want to make it a game. I just want to finally close this chapter for myself- which has already started anyway. I think perhaps Bc I’ve lost all respect for him at this point, I'm not feeling compelled to even have the common decency to respond. And believe me- knowing him, he won’t chase. He’ll see his “supply” has been cut off and just move on to the next. I’ve realized I mean NOTHING to him. 
 

You made VALID points though and make me reconsider. 

Edited by LB2016
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OatsAndHall

Blocking him will send a much stronger message than confronting him. I understand sending him a message for your own peace of mind but who's to say that it will actually give you that? I imagine it will backfire and you'll end up feeling even worse. Chances are he'll simply shrug it off and respond with something along the lines of "You were a willing participant..." which will just turn into a vicious cycle. You'll respond and get the same or you'll ignore him; you'll end up back where you were, either way.

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poppyfields
19 minutes ago, LB2016 said:

I know it’s cowardly and childish to NOT respond, as I’ve been on the receiving end from others and always hated it!

The thing is, I’ve told this guy a FEW times that I was done, that I know it’s not going anywhere, I wished him well, etc. But then I’d have my “weak” moments and reach out to him. Shame on ME. I feel like at this point, MY own words have lost credibility. 

Ok, this^ changes things.  You're right, your words have lost credibility and if you use words again, he won't take seriously, and may even chuckle a bit, knowing they mean nothing, since you've always gone back.

So, you have my permission to ignore!  Lol :D

Should you hear from him, ignore, then BLOCK.

End the insanity, the game.  Be done with it and please don't second guess your decision as so many of us do and unblock.  Or reach out yourself.  

OR, just block him NOW.  That way you won't be anxiously waiting for him to reach out, only so you can ignore and block. 

Blocking now is much more empowering imo. :)

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poppyfields

I always found telling a man "I'm bored with it, moving on" to be very powerful.  

I dunno, a man being told he's "boring" and you're bored with the "relationship" (which he is controlling)  is like the ultimate insult.  The apathy, the indifference.  Ouch. 

I've had this confirmed when I would run into them later. 

Just me, but in your case LB, since you've said similar before, you've lost credibility. 

Blocking is best.  

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The Outlaw
On 5/21/2020 at 7:56 PM, LB2016 said:

My question is- if he EVER reached out to me again, should I just ignore him?

Yes. No response is the best response. No need to get sucked back into his nonsense. He can take whatever his intent was and stuff it. 

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19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Just me, but in your case LB, since you've said similar before, you've lost credibility. 

Exactly. Thanks for the permission too!!😂 

This way, I slipped out, didn’t make it a point to “tell him” anything, and am stepping off this hamster wheel. 
 

On top of my overall feelings, I don’t even want to put myself in a situation where my feelings will be triggered, and I might possibly weaken. It’s kind of like an alcoholic trying to quit. They know they want to quit and are certain about it, but stepping foot in a bar might be too hard. 
 

Not responding and ignoring him completely will be very out of character for me. Therefore the message will be even louder to him.
 

Yes, I played along with this the whole time; I get it. That still doesn’t mean he needed to lie to me and take advantage of the situation to “use” me to fulfill his own selfish needs. THAT is what hurts. I won’t be taken for a fool anymore. 

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You don't need to explain anything to him because he knows exactly what he's done. Just block him and walking every way you can, by the phone, by social media, changing the locks if you have to. He's more than aware of the issues but will probably be surprised that it happened anyway. Sorry you wasted a bunch of time on him.

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I agree for your own self worth, block/delete, walk away and forget about him...he's taken up way too much of your headspace.

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Lotsgoingon

Don't respond in any way ... other than the "I'm bored" response (great idea, poppyfields!) ... 

I sense that you aren't clear enough to resist him ... he'll pull you into a conversation ... you'll give in .. .and you're back to square 1.

Your thinking should be ... what blocks any desire for you to respond to him ... Likely before you were half-way down the path of letting go ... and  then he talked you into coming back ... so you have to not allow him to talk you into it ... you with me? ... It's like an article I read once about healthy eaters who don't even go down the aisle with cookies. These folks don't walk down the aisle, stare at cookies and rely on willpower to say no ... they deliberately do not even go down the aisle with cookies. Funny: my favorite grocery store places cookies after the entrance ... they're unavoidable ... but I try not to even look ... just keep going!

You need to deliberately not talk to him in any way ... so even saying you're "bored" might be risky ... because if he responds (and this guy clearly knows the buttons to push to get you to re-engage) ... you'll get pulled in ...

You need to block any contact with him ... and later on ... you'l be able to withstand any approach from him ... You're not there now ... so block any contact.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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poppyfields
16 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Don't respond in any way ... other than the "I'm bored" response (great idea, poppyfields!) ... 

You need to deliberately not talk to him in any way ... so even saying you're "bored" might be risky ... because if he responds (and this guy clearly knows the buttons to push to get you to re-engage) ... you'll get pulled in ...

Tnx Lotsgoing. :) But to clarify, that's why I suggested to LB, after telling him you're bored.with it, CYA -- immediately BLOCK.  So you don't get pulled back in should he respond. 

LB, I'm curious about something though, as of now, he has not reached out, so why wait?  He may not reach out again, or not for awhile, and you will be anxiously waiting which keeps you stuck.

Why not simply block him now?  That sends a stronger message, like you can't be bothered, you are DONE!

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Lotsgoingon

Yes, sorry I didn't acknowledge the rest of your advice, poppy. 

BTW: saying something like "I'm bored" is so powerful, more powerful than it might seem on first glance..  It's one thing to say "You disappointed me, so stay away." Totally another to say "I'm bored." 

"I'm bored" reminds the speaker that they don't want to get together with the other person--by choice!

It's so easy for the person whose chain is being pulled to still think that they want this other person and are just "making do" with not being able to have them. Saying "I'm bored" is just so strong. Just saying those words can remind the OP of why keeping away is her choice!!!!

 

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Lotsgoin- you’re exactly right. I’m not at the point of strength just yet, so I’d rather not converse at ALL. As you said, he’s got the game so well played, he knows what to say. I don’t want the confrontation. 

I’m not even interested in playing it cool and acting aloof with small talk, which we’ve done before. I’m so disgusted, I have ZERO desire to do that with him. 

Poppy, I promise you it won’t keep me stuck Bc I just have a whole different perspective of him now anyway. I think it would make me more anxious wondering IF he ever did reach out or not. That’s just me. I’d rather know and then react with nothing, than not know at all. 

I just wanted to think this process through so I’m prepared if I am faced with that decision. As I said, I’d bet anything I won’t hear from him, but he might surprise me. If his “well” runs dry and he needs a boost, that’s when I might cross his mind. 

Ultimately, HE will get the same message either way, but the one way of not blocking him just satisfies ME more- if that makes sense...lol

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poppyfields

Yes it makes sense especially the part about feeling more anxious wondering IF he ever reached out, which you won't know if you blocked now 

I totally get that!! 

Will you keep us posted?  

I'm glad you've finally made peace with this and are moving on! Lesson learned.  :)

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miranda561
5 hours ago, LB2016 said:

Thank you and I agree with what everyone said.

Please don’t misunderstand though, it’s ME that cares how I look. I pride myself on always taking the high road and making decisions that will leave me feeling at peace within. But in this situation, I know it’s different. 

To be honest though, I’m at the point where I’m so disgusted and hurt. I know not responding would be like giving him the finger to his face, which is what he needs and deserves. I have lost ALL respect for him. The thought of not responding is NO longer unsettling to me.

I do need to forgive myself though. I can’t tell you how MAD I’ve been at myself for actually letting this continue. It’s truly amazing how blind you can be to situations!

I HOPE he tries to text me again so I can purposely ignore him. I can guarantee that he won’t though. I’m not needed anymore and he’s groomed his next woman. But regardless, I now have PEACE with decision to ignore this POS. 

Don't be mad at yourself. This sort of thing happens to everyone at some point. You ain't  the first or the last !

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