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Looking for More Perspective


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Let me just preface with the following:

 

I've read all the articles, all the research, all the advice columns. I (at one point but no longer) was in FB groups and heard all the similar stories. These groups were more toxic than helpful so I left them.

 

I have close friends who have gone through, are going through, and/or suspect that they are coming to this point in their marriage/relationship.

 

Why am I here? Honestly, just want more perspective. Hopefully I can get some.

 

So, here it goes:

 

Married almost 5 years, together for almost 10 - 2 beautiful boys 3 and 10mo. 

 

My wife and I have had zero major issues to speak of, relationship wise. We have had our very basic disagreements but nothing damaging or bad enough to break us. We have a similar attitude when we "fight", both opting for matching "silent treatment" approaches which will generally last no more than a few hours at most.

 

On the outside we probably just look like your "average family". And, on the surface at least, we are happy. Our kids our healthy and happy, we spare no expense to give them everything they want and need. Good roof over our heads, I have a great job and career where I work from home primarily. My wife is now a career mom by choice - while I am the sole bread winner, I am always first a father and a husband.

 

Sounds pretty great on paper. So, here's the "why I am here":

 

I'm a warm, compassionate, loving, caring, doting person in general. Among friends and family it's what I'm known for.

 

My wife, on the other hand, not so much - at least with me that is. Her affection towards me was never really that strong - and it has waned significantly over time.

 

More recently it has become ever more so evident - and it's hurtful.

 

The brushing off with basic affections like a kiss (the other evening she blatantly turned her cheek to me to avoid lip contact), in hugs I can feel her discomfort underneath. More time on her phone than being "present" with me. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing - me having always been a very generous lover and her quite selfish.

 

And look - this isn't another one of those sexless marriage cries for help. Though I do believe a healthy sex life important in a marriage - I'm not some immature, sex-obsessed male stereotype.

 

This is about substance, about wanting to be wanted in general. The best way to describe how I feel is: Lonely. It's about wanting to be desired, to feel some degree of passion that is anywhere remotely close to how I feel about her.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. 

 

Before you answer: She isn't cheating on me - that I can say with 100% certainty.

 

Thank you for your time and input!

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I can't help but wonder if the age of your children has a lot to do with this.   I can't speak to what the future will be like, but a common conversation among women with young children/babies is the constant demands of touch.  Holding, cuddling, nursing, picking up, wiping.  We can't even poop without a little person coming to see what we're doing.  Then hubby wants our body too.   Thing is, the ultimate dream of many young mothers is to have time ALONE because they have little left to give.   In your case, combine this with a woman who was never really physically affectionate and you're left with nothing.  

 

My first piece of advice is to give it time.  The first milestone being the point where she gets adequate sleep at night.   Then start to build in some date nights and child free time.   She is in the process of rediscovering who she is and it will be a journey for you both.

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Have you told her that you felt lonely?   Have you offered specifics like I want to be able to kiss you?

 

Could it be too much togetherness.  If you work from home & she's a stay at home mom, you are together 24/7.  Yuck.  That can make any marriage stale.  Familiarity breeds contempt & all that. 

Edited by d0nnivain
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I agree with the others, you need to bring it up with you.  Tell her, in a non-accusatory way, that you miss having physical contact and affection with her. 

 

Sometimes women keep their resentments locked inside and don't express them, and a wall gets built up that's hard to break down after awhile.  It seems men usually get over things and forget about them more easily than women.  Women generally need to talk and express their feelings in order to move past things.  Your shared silent treatments probably result in you forgetting it and moving on, but she may still be harboring whatever bad feelings that led to the silence.  That can result in her feeling a lack of intimacy and closeness, and therefore she's not going to want physical contact.  She can still be fine as a platonic partner and co-parent, but she's lacking the feeling to engage intimately.  

 

But those are just my thoughts from my own experience - you need to talk to her to find out what's going on.     

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Not having your needs met in a marriage is one of the roads to separation and divorce. However that works both ways and if SHE has a need for downtime/alonetime due to the kids etc that also needs to be taken into account. Some women "shut down" sexually due to stress/child duties; others may shut down due to perceived difficulties in the relationship; some simply have low libido. (There are other possible reasons too, of course.)

 

Agreeing with some comments above about her being overloaded w/ kids and the passive-aggressive silent times not necessarily fixing the issues that caused them.

 

Some things you could consider doing:

- Offering to take up more household duties/responsibilities with the kids to give her downtime

- Discussing and having a conversation about why the lack of intimacy affection right now?

- Pointing out that sexual/intimate time isn't necessarily the time to be focused on patching up unrelated issues in the marriage (this may be a bit of a mindset shift for her as I think some women think that's exactly what it is)

- Pointing out that it's only fair to both partners that both of their needs be met. Are her needs not being met in some way that you can address? If no, then what about your needs?

- Cuddling (non-sexually) during times such as after kids are in bed or early morning before fully getting up (IF excess "touch time" isn't an issue/problem for her)

- Discussing MC as a path to heading off alienation and eventual divorce

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This could be an organic problem so a first class physical exam is in order. If that comes back OK, then I would suspect that she resents you and it's killing her feelings for you. I have no idea what your crime was and it could be real or imagined on her part, but she's made a deal with herself to live up to her marriage vows in all departments but the one that involves you. That is anger and resentment in my book and it looks like she wants you to read her mind.

 

Counseling is your only recourse. Drop everything else if you want to save your marriage.

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I was in your shoes for a very long time before divorcing at 26 years.  Definitely BTDT.   Something was always 'missing' and I couldn't quite fix it.  The missing link was DESIRE.  You want to be desired - sexually and otherwise.   Absolutely tell your wife this.   If not, you will suffer in silence all the way to eventual resentment and divorce.   Be the best you that you can be.   In other wiords - be desireable.   Go to the gym.   Lift weights.   Be in shape physically and mentally.   Have hobbies.  Be fun.   Be a good dad/husband.  Help your wife appropriately around the house and with your kids.   If she still doesn't desire you then you have a decision to make.   Honestly, mine would be to divorce and find it elsewhere.  Seriously.  Living without desire in your partner is just miserable and a path to depression and loneliness.   Tell your wife this.  

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I agree with what Basil said and what Donnivain said. She's getting all the attention and hugs she needs and probably too much from those kids. she doesn't have much to be passionate about since all she's doing is staying home taking care of the house and kids. one of you needs to get a job and get out of the house at least part of the time to give the other one space and time to regenerate. Being together all the time doesn't work for anybody! 

 

if either one of you happens to be a little bit introverted it will just be very draining and unpleasant. 

 

Being together all the time doesn't give you a chance to miss each other. Being with anyone all the time like that just become super annoying. I suggest you find an office outside of the house and go put yourself there or that you cover for her and let her go to work at least part-time. 

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