poetry Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) Hello everyone I hope you can give me some opinions. I have been living in UK for 5 years, but I was born in Czech republic and I still visit my country regularly. I went there last december and I had Tinder at that time. When I came back to UK, I started chatting with a guy from my country. I explained straightaway I do not live there anymore, but even that we kept texting about things we both like and that not many other people like. It was more like 1 long message once in 14 days, sometimes once in a month. The longest "break" we had was 3 months just because I was dating someone. We also sent each other postcards when we traveled. We were texting for 10 months before we first met. I went to Czech republic again and we went for a drink and it was great night. He then visited me in UK, stayed here 2 days and again, we had great time, but I still did not take it seriously, because he lives there and I live in UK. He then sent me message that he had amazing time and he does not want to leave it like this and he asked me to meet him again. We agreed to go to Scotland. Since that time he visited me here in UK 2 times and last weekend we went to Italy. We have always very nice time together, romantic and intense. We even spoke about me moving back to Czech Republic, if everything goes well. So for me it seemed like he was smitten and quite serious about what we have. I was smitten and even that I never wanted long distance relationship, I was really enjoying this because it was something new and it was special to me. That is why I was surprised when I found out that he was in almost daily touch with his ex. They broke up 3 years ago and were together for 7 years. Because of my bad experiences with men hang up on their exes, I asked him at the beginning how is it with him and his ex. He said that there was no love and attraction so they broke up, but they stayed friends and speak once a month. I was ok with that. But finding out they are in touch almost every day, sharing every thought, sending pictures...even pictures from Scotland. I mean not picture of us, picture of sights etc...it kind of broke me, because I thought it was about us, it was something special and that he was over her. They never had a break from contact. They started texting like this the day after break up. They also meet for a lunch once in 14 days. She got married few months ago and I am not sure if her husband knows about all this. I told him my opinion and he insisted that this is ok, he does not feel anything and for him it was more like that he is used to her and he can go to her when feels down or whatever, but at the same time he knew it is not completely normal so he was secretive about it. Nobody knew that they are still in touch. I said they would need break at least for few months just to break the connection so they both can focus on their relationships. He agreed and met her after he came back to Czech republic and told her he wants a break. It seems they were very depend on each other. I do not know what to think because I never stay in touch with ex. But I know that lots of people do. Do you think he can ever get over her? Edited December 12, 2019 by poetry Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 I bet it's him that hung up on her, since she's married and moved on sort of. I mean, instead of trying to change him from the inside out, if you know it's not workable, just walk away! Find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 1 hour ago, poetry said: Do you think he can ever get over her? If after 3 years they still talk on a daily basis it's a fair bet that he does not want to stop talking to her or being part of each other's lives. It's not a situation I'd care to put myself in. Let her have him. Find a different man who is emotionally available to date you. This guy is taken. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 ^^this Link to post Share on other sites
Author poetry Posted December 12, 2019 Author Share Posted December 12, 2019 Not happy to hear that as I have not met anyone like this in 3 years. But honestly I had same feeling and was kind of hoping that someone would say it will be ok ... Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Trust your gut. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 On 12/12/2019 at 2:29 PM, poetry said: Do you think he can ever get over her? They are still together no matter what he claims. He's not over her. You're just a placeholder. For his ego. Sorry. I know that's harsh but insecure, emotionally immature men do this to unsuspecting single women whose hearts and minds are emotionally available. Because? They are weak and have no respect for women as a whole. Dump the jerk. See a therapist. Date a new guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tempocontour316 Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 You need to tell him that you're not happy with him constantly in contact with his ex. If he doesn't agree, that means he still has feelings for her, and doesn't care too much about your feelings. Ask him if it was the other way around, if you were constantly in contact with your ex., would he be happy about it? This might be tough for you to do but tell him he obviously still have feelings for her and he's not respecting how you feel and that maybe it would be best if you two parted ways until he's ready to fully commit to you. While he's trying to figure out what he wants, you should look for a guy who would fully commit to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Jordan's thoughts Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 On 12/12/2019 at 10:29 PM, poetry said: Hello everyone I hope you can give me some opinions. I have been living in UK for 5 years, but I was born in Czech republic and I still visit my country regularly. I went there last december and I had Tinder at that time. When I came back to UK, I started chatting with a guy from my country. I explained straightaway I do not live there anymore, but even that we kept texting about things we both like and that not many other people like. It was more like 1 long message once in 14 days, sometimes once in a month. The longest "break" we had was 3 months just because I was dating someone. We also sent each other postcards when we traveled. We were texting for 10 months before we first met. I went to Czech republic again and we went for a drink and it was great night. He then visited me in UK, stayed here 2 days and again, we had great time, but I still did not take it seriously, because he lives there and I live in UK. He then sent me message that he had amazing time and he does not want to leave it like this and he asked me to meet him again. We agreed to go to Scotland. Since that time he visited me here in UK 2 times and last weekend we went to Italy. We have always very nice time together, romantic and intense. We even spoke about me moving back to Czech Republic, if everything goes well. So for me it seemed like he was smitten and quite serious about what we have. I was smitten and even that I never wanted long distance relationship, I was really enjoying this because it was something new and it was special to me. That is why I was surprised when I found out that he was in almost daily touch with his ex. They broke up 3 years ago and were together for 7 years. Because of my bad experiences with men hang up on their exes, I asked him at the beginning how is it with him and his ex. He said that there was no love and attraction so they broke up, but they stayed friends and speak once a month. I was ok with that. But finding out they are in touch almost every day, sharing every thought, sending pictures...even pictures from Scotland. I mean not picture of us, picture of sights etc...it kind of broke me, because I thought it was about us, it was something special and that he was over her. They never had a break from contact. They started texting like this the day after break up. They also meet for a lunch once in 14 days. She got married few months ago and I am not sure if her husband knows about all this. I told him my opinion and he insisted that this is ok, he does not feel anything and for him it was more like that he is used to her and he can go to her when feels down or whatever, but at the same time he knew it is not completely normal so he was secretive about it. Nobody knew that they are still in touch. I said they would need break at least for few months just to break the connection so they both can focus on their relationships. He agreed and met her after he came back to Czech republic and told her he wants a break. It seems they were very depend on each other. I do not know what to think because I never stay in touch with ex. But I know that lots of people do. Do you think he can ever get over her? A runner who's always looking behind him will never finish his race let alone win it..His inability to break ties with his ex a major red flag for your relationship,like a wound that doesn't heal because you keep messing with it he will never be able to invest 100% into the new relationship if his attention is still on the old one...If It was me in your shoes I would ask him if her "HUSBAND" the man she promised to give her heart and soul to for life would appreciate his wife being so attached to someone other that him and if your boyfriend is prepare to be the elephant or dirty secret in their marriage .. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 I would not enter a relationship with a man who maintains such close ties to an ex. It would tell me that we have incompatible views on appropriate boundaries with exes, and likely render a potential relationship unfeasible. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 I wasted a year and a half on a relation like this and it quickly became toxic. the fact he seems to refuse to acknowledge it bothers you is a bad sign. No matter how innocent he thinks this contact is, he meeds to respect that it bothers you. now you don’t get to ask him to cutoff contact completely either but you can do like all grown adults in healthy relationship and find a common ground. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 (edited) Their relationship is unhealthy and they have never moved on. I doubt there is anything romantic, but there is a lot of codependency going on here. Kinda like a 12 year old still sleeping with their baby blanket. They both need to grow the f up and learn to seek out support from their SO, or just themselves. You can talk to him about it, and say it's time to move on....if he's going to have a death grip on this, it's time to realize you are better than this, and can find someone else that doesn't use their ex as a security blanket. Edited December 18, 2019 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Lost33 Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 That would be strange to me. If he included you in the conversation and talked about you, I think that would be more indicative of them moving on but you're mentioning he's just sending scenic pictures to her and no mention of you? If they were just friends and like each other's posts on FB or w/e that would be OK but to talk regularly is weird, especially when she's married. Link to post Share on other sites
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