primer Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 My ex and I split up two years ago. We had been together for ten years. To this day, I cannot stand hearing or seeing anything about him with his current gf. I don't know if he cheated on me or not but he was with her soon after the breakup. There is no way I want him back. When I look back, he is not a nice person. (Hindsight is 20/20.) He is not the person I thought he was. His mask came off. After taking a two year hiatus from dating, I am ready to date again but my options are slim. I tried online dating for a couple of months but that is not for me. So . . . . if people think I need to move on . . . I am trying but it is impossible. We live in a small town so occasionally I see them or hear things about them. Last week I ran into her at the post office. This week their picture was in the local newspaper as spectators at a high school basketball game. I am not on social media and I have him blocked on my phone. Why, when I see their picture, do I still get a physical sensation in my stomach? Will that ever go away? Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 whether or not, he cheated on you ... is possible, but most people also rebound hard, after a break up... but that doesn't really matter, tbh. what's important is you. and you moving forward. for some people, getting right into another relationship is quite common and quite a mistake. there are a lot of unresolved issues that still exist, and many times, they ruin that relationship. So for you, you have several options. but remember, nothing is "impossible"... just hard or very tough to make that choice. 1) move to another place. a fresh start, scary i know, but it'd help you get away. But it'd be more like burying what's bothering you, instead of dealing with it. (short term gain) 2) find out why you're still affected by a person you're not into, but obviously have a reaction to whenever you do see him or them. therapist, a good friend who'll listen... sometimes talking things outloud with your voice, you'd be surprised what comes out from your subconscious. (long term gain, and prob help you stay in the same town and finding someone worthwhile... though i gotta say, in this age and day... online does connect you to what's out there)... 3) go in circles until you go crazy or dead. I only wish you the best life choices and potentially your future happiness and peace of mind. good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted December 12, 2019 Author Share Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) After he moved out, he wanted to get back together with me. He told me several times that he broke up with the girl, he was done with her, he didn't want her to go wherever they were, etc. Thank goodness I trusted my instincts because he never did end it with her. Now, whenever I see them together, I think "oh, he's with that girl he doesn't like". I would like to move eventually. My dad is 86 and I live next door to him. My boss is 65 and I would like to keep working for him until he retires. After dad passes away and my boss retires, I would like to get out of Dodge. For the time being, I majorly keep to myself. Edited December 12, 2019 by primer added Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 sounds more like he was with the person who didn't make him feel lonely or the like.. it wasn't the person he was looking for, but the feeling the person gave him... and only ran back to you b/c he was scared of the unknown and you were the known/comfortable... you prob most likely made the best choice possible by staying away and keeping him away. when you're ready to move on, do it. enjoy your life. get out there. risk it and live it. don't regret it years later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 @primer - How old are you? I ask only because life's too short to sit and "wait" for certain things to happen. How much care/support does your father need? Is he good enough for you to only see him on weekends or just 1-2 nights a week? Not sure how far away a bigger "town" is or what else might physically or emotionally tie you down to your current location. And I'm not advocating running away and fleeing and not being the kind of person you want to be for others. But there's something to be said about living your own life - you can still be kind to others and help take care of them. If your father needs daily help or at least regular visits 3-5 times a week and moving is feasible for whatever reason right now, are you at least in a geographical position to go out and start spending time in other places? Do you have the finances available to pay for some extra gas and what not and spend more time away from your little town - making new friends, going to new places? My father is 71. His mother is 97 and lives with him and my mom. He's been "waiting" for her to pass for years. All of his life he's spent living with the shame he instilled in him, her perfectionism, her small town mind, her fear of everything and her financial illiteracy. Plus, she probably conditioned him to be a "good boy" growing up and certainly even now doesn't know how to deal with people's emotions and just shames them if you challenge her. As an adult now myself it's a shame to look at the situation and realize he may not have a lot of time left to enjoy life before he gets "too old" and that he's spent way too much time trying to take care of her, get the affection/love he'll never get from her, and that no one is going to make him rich and God isn't going to let him into heaven just because he put up with her bulls***. I'm not advocating that he goes a**h*** on people lol. But too many people think you have to worry about being/being seen as "good" and tolerate disrespect, shame, abuse, etc. So OP, I hope you at least live your life while you're "waiting" and don't put off to tomorrow what you want to do today. Cheers! Scoobs Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 (edited) IMO the reaction you're having is you still have feelings for him even though you consciously think you don't. Otherwise the feeling you'd have when you saw them would be indifference and you'd have no reaction. You may never reach a feeling of indifference towards him and in that case you need to be away from where he is. I'll give you an example. My cousin started dating an ex girlfriend of mine several years after we broke up. Our breakup was amicable and it didn't bother me at all because I was indifferent to her and had no romantic feelings at all for her anymore. I could be in their presence and have no bad feelings at all. I felt nothing. However, another ex girlfriend was a different story. She cheated on me and left me. I eventually got over it and didn't think about her at all, but I knew I could never be indifferent to her because I still had feelings for her even though they weren't really conscious feelings. I knew if I ever saw her with another guy I'd have a visceral reaction even though I hardly ever thought about her. I would never feel indifferent to her. I'd always have a thing for her even though I would never get back with her because of her betrayal. Again, the only way you'll feel nothing when you see him is if you feel indifferent (no emotion) towards him. Even if you hate him, that's an emotional response and will give you a bad feeling. You may never reach an indifferent feeling towards him and in that case you can't be around him. Edited December 15, 2019 by Piddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. You're still bitter and I suspect a lot of that has to do with the fact that your life hasn't changed much since your relationship with him. He seemingly has moved on and you're still single and hanging onto the past in some respect. With that said, I can understand how a picture or a rumor of someone from your past can trigger an emotional reaction but once you're fully over someone you will feel indifferent. Online dating may not be the place where you find your soul mate but it is a good option to get out and meet a new friend or a potential new lover. Once your life begins to change course from the path it was on before you will see how much all of this was holding you back. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 On 12/14/2019 at 10:24 PM, Piddy said: IMO the reaction you're having is you still have feelings for him even though you consciously think you don't. Otherwise the feeling you'd have when you saw them would be indifference and you'd have no reaction. You may never reach a feeling of indifference towards him and in that case you need to be away from where he is. I'll give you an example. My cousin started dating an ex girlfriend of mine several years after we broke up. Our breakup was amicable and it didn't bother me at all because I was indifferent to her and had no romantic feelings at all for her anymore. I could be in their presence and have no bad feelings at all. I felt nothing. However, another ex girlfriend was a different story. She cheated on me and left me. I eventually got over it and didn't think about her at all, but I knew I could never be indifferent to her because I still had feelings for her even though they weren't really conscious feelings. I knew if I ever saw her with another guy I'd have a visceral reaction even though I hardly ever thought about her. I would never feel indifferent to her. I'd always have a thing for her even though I would never get back with her because of her betrayal. Again, the only way you'll feel nothing when you see him is if you feel indifferent (no emotion) towards him. Even if you hate him, that's an emotional response and will give you a bad feeling. You may never reach an indifferent feeling towards him and in that case you can't be around him. I dunno… mebbe, mebbe not... just b/c you have a reaction to someone, doesn't necessarily mean you have feelings.. it could be there are unresolved issues like questions in the mind, or the fact that she had a 10yr relationship with him, but it doesn't mean she's still in love with him, etc... when you're emotionally or physically invested in someone, whether a short time or especially a long time... it leaves an imprint in our brains... mebbe chemical mebbe the way our neurons are shaped... and it is THAT what we miss I think... rather than the actual person. But who knows... :) Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted December 16, 2019 Author Share Posted December 16, 2019 I am in my 50s. I believe the reaction I have is because of his deception. He did some sneaky things when we were still together. Then he denied it all. I gave him way too many chances. It is like I don't even know the person I was with. It may be that I am more mad at myself for putting up with that. When I look back, he did the same thing when we started dating. He talked terrible about his ex and started going out with me right away. Link to post Share on other sites
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