Married and separated within 6 weeks

[Hopefulless]

Bear with me, its long!

 

So we got married in September after being engaged for 3 years, together another 2 before that. 

 

A few weeks after the honeymoon my husband feels distant so I ask to sit down and talk.

 

He tells me he isn't sure he feels enough for me, he isn't in love with me. This comes as a complete shock to me, we had a perfect wedding and I've always seen us as a strong couple, never really argue, no real issues. Anyway after alot of tears, he goes to stay at his mum's for a 'couple' of days.

 

We texted occasionally during these days away and it became clear he wasn't coming back anytime soon. After a week he comes to see me to talk and tells me he wants to separate.

 

I make all the mistakes of pleading and begging and eventually he considered we have 2 weeks apart and then talk again.

 

Two days into this trial separation I discover through emails that he has been having an affair. This started a couple of months before we got married and when confronted he told me it was only a few kisses and messages but that he had feelings for her. He told me he hadn't been happy for a while, felt trapped and it had just happened. 

 

Since then we have separated as he said he needed to sort out his life (he's been experiencing depression and anxiety) we have been in regular contact but I know he is also seeing this other woman.

 

He is hot and cold with me. When we meet up he wants cuddles and flirts with me and then as soon as we are apart he spends time with her and barely messages me and seems to not care. He seems obsessed with her, spending lots of time at hers, giving her lots of gifts, etc.

 

But yet I still feel the connection with us is there, it's like he has just buried his love. I made him watch our wedding video with me where you can see how much he loves me and all he could focus on was silly things like oh I hate my laugh and I wish I had lost weight. Yet he says he felt the spark that day and doesn't regret the wedding.

 

I just feel so lost, I'm currently trying NC as he's ignored my last messages anyway. Just wondered if anyone had any advice or if there's any hope? Or should I just accept he clearly wants this other girl and I should forget we got married

[d0nnivain]

I am so heart broken for you but this is over.  He cheated on you & lied when you took your vows.  You need to get a divorce & an annulment.  I could never come back from him having an affair as you walked down the aisle.  This man is a Cad of the worst order.  File & don't look back.  With any luck he will be out of your life by 2021. 

[schlumpy]

Don't let him keep you in limbo by feeding you false hope of reconciliation. Get an annulment as soon as you can find a lawyer. You will have to look at this as a mistake because that's what was. Don't make another one.

 

My sympathy for the pain you are feeling.

[Berteau]

Help me understand why he would marry you and stay engaged for so long if he wasn’t in love and was going to cheat?  I’ve never understood how things like this happen.

[Buffer]

I am so sorry you are here, as well as what you are going through. He isn’t a nice person, he is a pig. Had all the time to talk this through with you; yet still led you on through the most important day of your life.

Do what you feel is the best for you, but don’t let him leave you hanging. 
Start the 180 now. Don’t let him make you go through the pick me dance. He is confused. He is communicating with the OW whist he is away from you.

You deserve better.

 

Good luck

[stew930]

I’m sorry you are going through this pain.  It’s good that this happened for you early on vs down the road as I am recently out of an 18-year marriage where my wife cheated off and on without my knowledge for most of the marriage.  Take it from me to not beg for him to stay.  If he valued the marriage and the relationship he should be the one pleading and begging. He already left the marriage when he started the affair.  If there has been the one affair you have to be prepared to accept that there have been others.  Don’t let him keep you on the side when he continues the affair. He needs to be in counseling to fix this or the marriage should end.

 

If he is hot and cold with you it means he doesn’t know what he wants and the connection, you feel is probably your head or heart wanting the connection to be there.

 

I would continue the NC and do not call, text, or try to see him.  Since he said he isn’t in love with you I would look into an annulment since you are recently married.   No one deserves this mental abuse.

[stillafool]

How heartbreaking.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Someone asked how he could be with you that long and then this happen, well I imagine he met this other woman out of nowhere and that is when the trouble started.  Is she someone from his past or a new person he met?  I doubt seriously I would be able to hang around waiting for him to fall back in love with me.  Especially since the affair started before the wedding.  It's easy to appear happy on your wedding day.  Everything is beautiful and you're the center of attention so you can't help but feel good and in love.  However it seems he must have resumed to affair right after the wedding.  What is your plan now?

[mark clemson]

Agree you should consider getting an annulment. IF you reconcile, you can always have another wedding later, one where he isn't cheating on you during it. IMO he should have had the courage to call it off.

 

You should consider speaking to an attorney in your state/region and see what the rule, process, and likely outcomes would be for divorce vs. annulment. Not a lovely thing to have to do 6 weeks in. Sorry this happened to you.

[Watercolors]

I third the annulment plan.