Physical abuse by fathers. Common?

[Rockdad]

In my observation from my past involvement in the Court system it does happen more than you think. When DCS and the Court get involved minors file is sealed confidential. Court hearings are also closed to the outside world. The abusers often have a cloak of secrecy they can hide behind. 

What I investigated on the childs behalf I could not even talk to my wife about it.  I was recently approached by my former supervisor to return and serve again as they are overloaded with children being removed from the home.  I was motivated to get into it to begin with from a childhood surviving a brutal father.  @Shanex I feel your where your at. It took me a lot of years of therapy to get healed from it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry you went through that. 

My dad was very verbally and emotionally abusive but only hit me once - not enough to hurt much physically, just make me cry from the shock of it.

But an older sister told me he used to whip her till the backs of her legs got raised welts and sometimes bled. Ugh. I guess he relaxed some by the time I came along years later. 

[carhill]

My dad was cool, didn't even cuss, but yeah I saw friends and their moms smacked around plenty. Spanking was normal back then but abuse was a big step above that.

[5x5]

On 10/5/2019 at 9:13 PM, Shanex said:

If you want to share something, feel free to do so otherwise thanks for reading.

Yeah I feel you Shanex.

And I was far from being the perfect kid either.

Yet in my experience it wasn't just fathers.

At 14 when my mother went into a rage when I didn't do what I was told to, she started slapping me about the head, my mistake was to put my arm up to try to stop her blows. So my father then raged at me and punched me in the face telling me I wasn't allowed to try to hit my mother. AT the time I was constantly being threatened with being sent to a home or juvenile detention by them.

Anyway I ended up with two black eyes as a consequence of that. Yet I felt great shame about what happened to me, so for the next few days at school if anyone asked what happened I just told them I was riding my bike (even though at the time I didn't even have a bike) and was going down a hill to fast and crashed into a pole.

People seemed to accept that explanation, except for one kid in my woodwork class who was new to the school. He said to me "I know you didn't crash a bike", I told him he was wrong and he said "I know your parents did it to you, because I live across the road and heard them yelling and screaming at you".

For the most part I detest my parents, yet still seek some sort of approval so I am still a diligent son who calls etc. Although ever since we have lived far away from each other, I seldom see them except for once a year or even once every 2 or 3 years.

My father was and is a very weak man, it was my mother who was the one who mostly got angry and into rages rages. Plus she puts him down often even today, yet my father sucks it up, in fact the only time he seems to show any determination is when he feels he is protecting my mother.

Oddly though in many ways I come from a pretty amazing group of families going back and have some wonderful relatives although my parents don't rate at all against them. For example my mothers father was a great man who I still miss.

Then there was when I was around 7-8 I didn't like some of the food my mother cooked mostly boiled cabbage and refused to eat it (although I would happily eat the cabbage raw). Plus I liked lots of other food, anyway they got sick of me refusing to eat such things. So night after night they would tell me off, punish me, stand me in the corner, break wooden spoons on my backside, slap me, shut me in my room. Yet eventually my parents really lost it and my father held me down face first in my food choking me around my neck while my mother slapped me about the head. I thought I was going to die, I struggled to breath with the plate and food covering my face while being choked. I resigned myself to dying yet I never gave up and never ate what they tried to make me eat. I thought they could kill me but I wouldn't let them destroy me as me.

Then there were the more innocuous things like having a bar of soap forced into my mouth while my face was held under a running tap for using a swear word when I was 10. It was crazy also for the fact all of that was going on, yet they spent plenty of time trying to encourage me to do well (although they turned down a scholarship that was offered to send me to a school for gifted children), while they mostly supported my interests. So I was also quite conflicted with all of this, plus I figured it could have been much worse than it was.

Yet I wasn't perfect and I went through stages of trying to bully my younger siblings especially my sister, we used to fight a lot and that meant hitting each other. Yet my sister and I have been fairly close ever since we have both been adults.

There's more, but bleh...

[Ollie180]

🙋🏼‍♂️ My ‘step father’ could be violent when he was drunk. Normally to my mum, unless I got in the way, which I did sometimes)

At the time I though no one Who knew me and my mum would of had a clue!

Looking back once I was older I’m pretty sure everybody had a clue!! 
 

 

(He was only around till I was 8 though, I was pretty young, I only remember bits and pieces from back then).
 

 

[RecentChange]

I do think when it does happen, it is often covered up so few people know. I don't recall any of my friends being physically beaten while growing up.

My parents never once laid a hand on me, my siblings and I were never spanked etc. I remember once I really pissed off my dad being a smart ass, and he grabbed both of my arms while clearly boiling with rage. That was enough to scare the bejesus out of me. 

He didn't have to squeeze, it was just at that moment it was clear I was pushing him to a breaking point and that was all that was needed.

He always seemed to command a lot of respect with absolutely no need for hitting, and honestly he rarely had to raise his voice. I was always scared of making him mad / disappointing him. Didn't want the "death glare"!

[major_merrick]

@RecentChange  While I believe spanking should be an option, I believe the most effective parents have that "death glare" instead of physical discipline or a raised voice. 

I'm always amazed when I contrast my husband's methods with my father's methods.  With my father, boundaries were what he decided on at the moment.  I always had to guess what I could do and what would get me beaten.  My husband sets super clear boundaries with his kids.  He's firm, but OMG how he showers them with affection and attention.  It amazes me how they can respect him and follow instructions and say "yes sir" when he gives a direct order...and then he'll wrestle with them in the grass and they climb all over him like a pack of monkeys.  I think his method works because all the rules are grounded in a positive relationship and nothing is arbitrary.  In the 2+ years I've been married to him I can recall only one spanking.