Artdeco Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Why do people have children? When do they decide to have children, and why? I’ve never had that motherly instinct, and I never wanted kids, so I really can’t understand what the benefits are. It’s expensive, it takes all your freedom away, and motherhood/parenthood - to me - seems just so frustrating! Many of my long-standing friends have children, actually most of them do, and I love those kids dearly, I’m kind of like the aunt that’s not really family, but almost. I watch them for them, I am the godmother of two of them, I take them shopping, I take them on trips, and I really enjoy doing all that. But omg am I happy every time I am able to “return” them. I watch these parents, and especially the mothers, who i am friends with (not so much with the dads, I’m just not that close to them), and all I see is struggle. Seriously, from the outside looking in, it looks like the whole thing is a balancing act. All they do and talk about, in essence, is how to best balance the struggle. Sometimes the struggle is less, sometimes the struggle is more, but there’s always some struggle involved. Does the baby eat? When they get older older, why don’t they listen? There’s timeouts, and hoping that behaviors are “just a phase”, then they get older, and they want expensive stuff (iPhones, designer clothes, allowance, the list goes on .....), while the parents still struggle to make them study for exams, do their homework, perform at sports, ...... Honestly - what’s the appeal? I’ve asked of course. And what they tell me is that it’s just an “instinct” they've always had, they've just always wanted children, and there’s that unique connection/bond that they have with their offspring. I get that. However, MOST of them look like they’re just always in a stage where they hope that things get better, easier, more smoothly. No matter how old the kids are. Does that ever end? Like I said, I’ve never felt the urge to be a mother, and I never will be a mother, that’s for sure. But I do understand that you are raising somebody and you have a very strong bond with these little people. But if I look at the whole picture, it’s just not a very pleasant experience altogether. It’s also not a very smart choice to procreate, not only financially, but altogether. I don’t even wanna talk about girlfriends that I went to college with and completely sacrificed their careers and independence. If they do still have somewhat of a career/job, it’s something that’s far far away from what their original dreams once were. To be fair, none of them ever actually says that they’re unhappy with their lives, but I can see it in their faces, and by the way they talk, I think they really would be much happier and carefree without kids. Can other parents here help me understand? Has anybody ever regretted parenthood? Or wouldn’t you admit that anyways, no matter how hard your life is with kids? I’m just always so relieved that I never got pregnant when I look at parents. It seems to me that parenthood makes life sooooo complicated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 It seems to me that parenthood makes life sooooo complicated. Without question. It also makes life rewarding, challenging, meaningful and frustrating, all at the same time. Parenthood is the ultimate vulnerability, there are days it's equal parts terrifying and thrilling. If you open your heart to a romantic partner at least, as an adult they can exercise a modicum of good judgment and self-care. Imagine caring for the most fragile 5-lb sack of flesh and blood on the planet? And seeing that person through a maelstrom of physical threats, emotional challenges and hormonal missteps into adulthood, holding your breath all the way. It's not for the faint of heart. For me, it was more of a calling than a choice. I had a friend growing up always knew he was going to be a priest, I always knew I'd have a family. I don't judge those missing the inclination and agree they're better without. Besides, we parents need all the "aunts", "godmothers" and people who'll "take them on trips" we can get our desperate hands on ... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Artdeco Posted September 29, 2019 Author Share Posted September 29, 2019 Without question. It also makes life rewarding, challenging, meaningful and frustrating, all at the same time. Parenthood is the ultimate vulnerability, there are days it's equal parts terrifying and thrilling. If you open your heart to a romantic partner at least, as an adult they can exercise a modicum of good judgment and self-care. Imagine caring for the most fragile 5-lb sack of flesh and blood on the planet? And seeing that person through a maelstrom of physical threats, emotional challenges and hormonal missteps into adulthood, holding your breath all the way. It's not for the faint of heart. For me, it was more of a calling than a choice. I had a friend growing up always knew he was going to be a priest, I always knew I'd have a family. I don't judge those missing the inclination and agree they're better without. Besides, we parents need all the "aunts", "godmothers" and people who'll "take them on trips" we can get our desperate hands on ... Mr. Lucky Yeah I’m definitely a Disney aunt haha. But everything beyond that has always scared the living **** out of me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Artdeco Posted September 29, 2019 Author Share Posted September 29, 2019 Oh and by the way, in addition to those that “sacrificed” their careers, there were also those of course who said they never wanted a career and wanted to be a stay at home mom and a housewife, but honestly they don’t seem any happier, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 but honestly they don’t seem any happier, either. And I know a number of single, lonely, childless people. Not sure what that proves. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual and there's no sure path to "happiness", assuming you could even define what that word means. Trust me, anyone with kids understands the mere presence of offspring doesn't guarantee a happy ending. And yet I'd guess most parents would say they're more content with kids than without. Go figure... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I wanted to love more. <3 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 It seemed like the next logical step in our relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I wanted my own private army when civilization crumbles. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 GorillaTheater, what you say in jest fits me somewhat My first child was an accident. I married my husband assuming that I was unable to have children. I conceived almost immediately. The second pregnancy was a surprise, although I knew by that time I wanted more. Now? Having kids has kind of become my life goal. While I succeeded at my job, I was never really attached to it. I've switched to staying home because "Mom" has become a huge part of my identity. There's more to life than money. Besides, I can have more of an effect on this world by reproducing. Sending my genes (and my snarky attitude) on into the future. Raising my kids as warriors for the cause. While I feel pretty sick and weak when I'm pregnant, I'm ok with it because it has a purpose. While denying myself the finer things in life like chocolate and wine and junk food can be irritating, I've adjusted. Childbirth? No problem. Totally worth it. Being productive is the best thing I've ever done. I told my husband this week that I want just one present for our anniversary: Another pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 (edited) I needed someone to cut the grass... okay.. it took 12 years but I am finally there this year.. Like CO.. I had so much love to give and that love could only be given to a child.. With my ExW we tried, I was a StepFather and I got a taste of parenthood so when I married again it seemed like a proper step. BTW.. My life today is him.. every single second of the day he is there, someone to be raised, homework that needs to be done, someone to feed, love and help when they are sick or going through something tough. When I mentioned I had so much love to give it was also I needed to pass along all the things in my mind, hands and brain that I spent a lifetime honing, carving and becoming to someone .. Each day I pass along something inside of me to him.. This weekend it was Baseball all weekend till about 2 hours ago, I was there with hm during those practices helping so that he can hopefully have good self confidence in the game tomorrow night and shine the way that makes him smile... Most weekends are Baseball with us, we are a Baseball family, rec, travel... Hopefully you get the point of my post, I could type half the night of all the cool things we do together and all the cool things I have passed along to him. Edited October 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Artdeco Posted September 30, 2019 Author Share Posted September 30, 2019 I wanted my own private army when civilization crumbles. Hahaha, good one! Hope your army is large enough. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Honestly I was you.. wasn't in a hurry at all my wife wanted to start 8 years in the marriage ..I only wanted one child, 3 years later we had another..I can say it's my biggest accomplishment and joy in life seeing them as adults they are your best friend when they are little. soak up everything you do like a sponge .. one is a engineer and the other loves baking. the only bummer I see at the moment is my son'e girlfriend could be your twin at the moment. she says kids are the worse thing that can happen to a woman ..If only she knew. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Both my kids were unplanned at the time I had them. I made the decision early in life that I was going to have kids for the sole purpose of having people on this planet that would love me.... unfortunately like many other aspects of my life it didn't actually turn out that way. My kids make me feel like a failure as a parent and it has been another disappointment in my life. I know I did my best but it wasn't good enough. My heart actually feels broken. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I have one kiddo, a daughter, 24. She is the light of my life, the best thing that ever happened, the meaning I need in this life. Hedonism won't sustain you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Why did I? Well because I think I subconsciously needed to strike the perfect balance between selfishness and selflessness and to grow into the person I wanted to become. Or at least it seems that way now. I don’t know for sure really, I’ve been kind of too busy raising my kids to give it some thought. But I do know that I totally love the people they are Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Hahaha, good one! Hope your army is large enough. Thanks, yeah, I can field a couple of fire teams. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Both my kids were unplanned at the time I had them. I made the decision early in life that I was going to have kids for the sole purpose of having people on this planet that would love me.... unfortunately like many other aspects of my life it didn't actually turn out that way. My kids make me feel like a failure as a parent and it has been another disappointment in my life. I know I did my best but it wasn't good enough. My heart actually feels broken. Oh Rayce, I'm so sorry you feel this way . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Artdeco Posted September 30, 2019 Author Share Posted September 30, 2019 Both my kids were unplanned at the time I had them. I made the decision early in life that I was going to have kids for the sole purpose of having people on this planet that would love me.... unfortunately like many other aspects of my life it didn't actually turn out that way. My kids make me feel like a failure as a parent and it has been another disappointment in my life. I know I did my best but it wasn't good enough. My heart actually feels broken. I’m very sorry to hear that, rayce. Please feel free to elaborate. It must be very painful to put your heart and soul into something or someone, and then get nothing but criticism. I feel for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 (edited) I feel the same way as you do, OP. Especially as the woman (who is almost certainly more involved with the parenting, and who is certainly the person who goes through pregnancy and childbirth), having children is a huge sacrifice any way you look at it. There is good reason why surrogates cost upwards of $100k per pregnancy, and why daycare is so expensive. It's all bloody hard work (pun not intended!). From the parents I've seen, though, there's a myriad of reasons why people do it. Some do it because they think it's what they're supposed to do, some do it out of biological urge, some have an accident and keep it. The best reason I've seen is that they view all the pain, sacrifice and work as "worth it". I mean, think about it - we all make sacrifices for the things that we really want in life. A career, or a lasting marriage, or a cause we're passionate about. If that's what we really want, the sacrifices are worth it. For those who don't desire that thing, the sacrifices aren't worth it. I've been asked multiple times why I work for a nonprofit when I could earn 3 times as much working for a corporation. My answer is that it's worth it, to me. I can see the difference I make in the world every day, and that is more fulfilling to me than the extra money. Edited September 30, 2019 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I think my "reason" may be more societal imprinting than anything rational. I knew for a long time that I wanted them and (in my case) I would have felt like a failure in some way if I never had any. But none of that is particularly rational. I just knew I wanted them "one day" and "one day" eventually arrived when we stopped using protection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Artdeco Posted October 1, 2019 Author Share Posted October 1, 2019 One of the things that bother me is that all the children I know through family and friends seem to really not appreciate and value their parents very much. I don’t think this is very specific to my circle, it seems to be a general thing. E.g. my 2 Goddaughters roll their eyes at their mothers a lot (one is 12 and the other one is 15). And I swear to God these are mothers that are a godsend. They drive them everywhere, they pay for all their extracurriculars (which is so expensive), they pay for tutors when needed, they invite their kids friends over all the time for sleepovers etc. etc. and the kids pretty much have a lot of freedom actually. These parents do enforce boundaries, but it seems to be an endless struggle. Boundary here boundary there if you don’t listen this if you don’t listen that - do this do that - why is your room not clean? Jesus Christ how can you live like that? It just seems to be such an unpleasant experience, which is why I’ve always asked myself why why why do people choose this? And the weird thing is that when I show up and do something with the kids, there are no issues whatsoever. They respect me, treat me me lovingly, they say thank you and please, they thank me for taking them places and buying them things, they talk to me openly about stuff, and also problems (which their parents are genuinely interested in, but they have to literally grill them and get nothing, unfortunately) ...... It seems so unfair that the parents are the ones who have the most work with those kids, and bear the most expenses, but they get the worst deal out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 I’m very sorry to hear that, rayce. Please feel free to elaborate. It must be very painful to put your heart and soul into something or someone, and then get nothing but criticism. I feel for you. Thank you Artdeco. I've actually started to address this in my other thread. This is a subject that is waking me up in the middle of the night. My son's birthday is coming up soon and for the 1st time in his life I am regretting having kids. This is purely based on how they treat me. both my kids have a great life. They are both doing very well in terms of living the American dream but the way they treat their family members (because its not just me they are rude too) is very discouraging. I bite my lip a lot! There are so many things I could say but don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Right now my daughter and her husband owe me some money. They both have good paying jobs. I have been out of work for almost a year and have zero income. I only loaned them the money because it was a family emergency. They promised to pay me with the very next pay check. Well that didn't happen. Instead they went out partying and posted a bunch of pictures. I got upset... I need that money so I said something. Their response was to just cut me out of their life while proclaiming how much they appreciate me. Well I don't feel appreciated. I feel used... I still don't have the money. I have nasty messages from both my daughter and her husband instead. This is just one thing... one thing. I could listed off a bunch of other things... like how rude my daughter was to me camping or how they totally destroyed all of our family holiday traditions. I don't even recognize them anymore... they clearly do not represent the Christian values that I believe in. ok I am done ranting now. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 I feel the same way you do. For me, even 5% of sacrifices people make for children wouldn't have been worth it. At work, parents with young kids often fall asleep during meetings. They always look strained and and like they are about to drop dead from exhaustion. I never see them look happy, unless they are posing for one of those FB family photos. I think it's biological urge. Animals have babies without thinking. So a natural path if you don't give it much thought is to have kids. At least you enjoy being an aunt. I prefer to avoid kids altogether. I am on a plane now and a toddler is kicking my seat from the back non-stop. I am very close to snapping at the mother 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Do it ES. Ask her to please control her child from behaving badly. You’ll be doing society a favor when there’s one less JO in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
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