zevahc Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Where to start… It’s been years since I’ve been on here, but I think I need the support from this community. Background. Many years ago. Call it 16. I went through a divorce. It was an ugly divorce, with minor children, and started because my ex had an affair. After a long divorce, raising a child o it was an ugly divorce, with minor children, and started because my ex had an affair. After a long divorce. I raised my child for the most part alone. Several years back I ended up doing what was done to me. Never saw it coming. By I was the OM. It taught me a lot about forgiveness and grace. Taught me not to be so judgmental. Fast forward to recently. My child has had some struggles mentally. My ex comes into town to help. In just a short time I find myself drawn to her and missing her. It seems beyond messed up. I’ve contacted a therapist to help work through the whole thing. I’m overwhelmed with what my daughter is going through, but also overwhelmed with my own feelings which I don’t understand. I guess I’m here just hoping for some comfort, prayers and advice.
mark clemson Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 IF you are single and interested, you could very tentatively see if this Ex had any inclination toward reconciliation. Unless that is something you're just not interested in. If there's no interest or hope for that, then be aware that these feelings will ultimately be transitory and will pass. Essentially, seeing/being with the Ex has triggered them. You can think of this clinically, as old brain pathways getting re-activated, if that helps. It's perfectly natural and in part simply a function of how your brain is constructed. There's nothing wrong with counseling to help speed up the process of getting over the feelings if you feel that is what is best.
mark clemson Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 Seeing her triggered your feelings. In a way it's as simple as brain chemistry - you're reactivating dormant but still existing neuron connections in your brain. You could tentatively pursue a reconciliation IF that is something you're interested in and see if there is any interest. If there's no interest in that (from either you or her), realize the feelings will eventually fade. In the meantime there's no harm I think in seeing a therapist if you'd like to do that. 1
Author zevahc Posted April 19, 2019 Author Posted April 19, 2019 Seeing her triggered your feelings. In a way it's as simple as brain chemistry - you're reactivating dormant but still existing neuron connections in your brain. You could tentatively pursue a reconciliation IF that is something you're interested in and see if there is any interest. If there's no interest in that (from either you or her), realize the feelings will eventually fade. In the meantime there's no harm I think in seeing a therapist if you'd like to do that. Thanks Mark. I think you’re right that they are transitory. Interest is probably not the right word. While I’m sure these feelings that have been triggered are normal, I hesitate to say I should have them. So many other challenges to overcome (extended family being the largest). I’ve never completely been whole because she has a piece of my heart and we share a child. But I have been for a long time fine....and able to move forward with life. I’m sure this will pass soon but the week has been very rough. She’s left and gone back to where she lives. Dealing with her own life. I came on here because I needed a safe place to vent my feelings and receive advice/support and what not. I appreciate your reply more than you know. It helps me to write and know someone is “listening” 1
mark clemson Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 Glad I was able to help a bit. Hope you had a happy Easter. Sincerely wish you the best of luck.
preraph Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 You're also relating to her with empathy because of your recently having done what she did. Still, two adulterers don't make a whole family! 1
Author zevahc Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 You're also relating to her with empathy because of your recently having done what she did. Still, two adulterers don't make a whole family! I think there is a lot to this statement and I wholeheartedly agree. Having a few days to process is helping my perspective on the “feelings”. 1
Inspire Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 You're also relating to her with empathy because of your recently having done what she did. Still, two adulterers don't make a whole family! So very well said! As odd as it may seem OP, forgiving her means forgiving yourself. 1
Author zevahc Posted April 23, 2019 Author Posted April 23, 2019 So very well said! As odd as it may seem OP, forgiving her means forgiving yourself. Very true. 1
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