justwhoiam Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 don't plan around me When a guy is that straightforward, I don't know how else he should tell you... No further explanation needed. He reached his threshold. I agree with ExpatInItaly: if you go on like this, he'll end up blocking you altogether. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone. I had a conversation with the man today over Skype. We have agreed that a relationship won't work, but we are meeting up in a few weekends' time to hang out as friends. He said he always has a lot of fun with me and would like to keep a friendship. We found a weekend where we're both free. I have asked him to stay in a hotel which he is going to do, it'll be just company. I am just relieved that I can still see him again. Edited January 23, 2016 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
mattelipstick Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I don't even know what to say. This is epic levels of desperate/doormat behavior, but you already know that. And you already know you'll end up sleeping with him, so the hotel charade is a compete waste of time. He knows that too. I've stuck around too long in plenty of situations, but never anything like this. Bargaining/begging just to be a f-buddy... yikes. The one thing I will say is that I'm becoming a little concerned for your own stability, OP. Your grasp on reality seems to be loosening, as your delusions increase. It's not how you started out it this thread, so it's a little alarming. You've got one toe on the border of Crazytown where this one is concerned, girl. Careful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I don't even know what to say. This is epic levels of desperate/doormat behavior, but you already know that. And you already know you'll end up sleeping with him, so the hotel charade is a compete waste of time. He knows that too. I've stuck around too long in plenty of situations, but never anything like this. Bargaining/begging just to be a f-buddy... yikes. The one thing I will say is that I'm becoming a little concerned for your own stability, OP. Your grasp on reality seems to be loosening, as your delusions increase. It's not how you started out it this thread, so it's a little alarming. You've got one toe on the border of Crazytown where this one is concerned, girl. Careful. I'm not too worried. Lots of women in their early 20s go to Crazytown for a vacation; hell, some of them even rent an apartment there for a while. They usually leave once their delusions meet headfirst with reality. But OP has an advantage few others have: a chorus of thoughtful adults who have listened to her entire situation and tried to offer advice. I know if I'd had Loveshack when I was younger I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. OP, this guy does not have any romantic feelings toward you, and one day he will meet someone who captivates him completely. You have already solidified your place in his mind as a desperate, needy clinger with no self-respect. He is not going to date you, ever. He will someday meet someone he deeply loves and end your FWB situation if he hasn't already. Does that hurt to read? Being present as it happens is infinitely worse. You talk about how you need to have this experience because life is too short, but I guarantee you don't need this experience any more than you need to try heroin or go to jail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 I'm not too worried. Lots of women in their early 20s go to Crazytown for a vacation; hell, some of them even rent an apartment there for a while. They usually leave once their delusions meet headfirst with reality. But OP has an advantage few others have: a chorus of thoughtful adults who have listened to her entire situation and tried to offer advice. I know if I'd had Loveshack when I was younger I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. OP, this guy does not have any romantic feelings toward you, and one day he will meet someone who captivates him completely. You have already solidified your place in his mind as a desperate, needy clinger with no self-respect. He is not going to date you, ever. He will someday meet someone he deeply loves and end your FWB situation if he hasn't already. Does that hurt to read? Being present as it happens is infinitely worse. You talk about how you need to have this experience because life is too short, but I guarantee you don't need this experience any more than you need to try heroin or go to jail. Yes it does hurt to read. But I am aware of it. Just as I am aware that one day I will also find someone who I fall in love with- what I have for this guy is pure lust. He does not meet my needs and is different to what I want in a long-term boyfriend. I am just willing to maximise the time I spend with him because I enjoy him and his company, and then when either of us meets someone else that we want to commit to, that'll be it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Yes it does hurt to read. But I am aware of it. Just as I am aware that one day I will also find someone who I fall in love with- what I have for this guy is pure lust. He does not meet my needs and is different to what I want in a long-term boyfriend. I am just willing to maximise the time I spend with him because I enjoy him and his company, and then when either of us meets someone else that we want to commit to, that'll be it. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be anywhere near as simple for you as you think. You already like him far more than he likes you. Why you want to continue to subject yourself to be treated as no more than a FWB when you clearly wanted more, I can't guess. You flip-flop like mad in this thread. Anyway, brace yourself for what's coming. You're going to need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) Yes it does hurt to read. But I am aware of it. Just as I am aware that one day I will also find someone who I fall in love with- what I have for this guy is pure lust...He does not meet my needs and is different to what I want in a long-term boyfriend. I am just willing to maximise the time I spend with him because I enjoy him and his company, and then when either of us meets someone else that we want to commit to, that'll be it. Kiddo, who do you think you're fooling? Just 25 hours ago you wrote this: I know that if he sees me again and spends time with me he will get that liking back for me. He even said after his last visit that he is scared of us getting "too close" which shows how much he liked me. It is just the distance that is pushing him away; I need him to see me again. You are lying. You are lying to us and, most importantly, to yourself. You are absolutely desperate to do whatever it takes to get this guy's interest back, not realizing he's long gone. He may have liked you at one point but that was months ago now and he's already moved on. You can't make him like you again. You never will. I may have said I wasn't worried before, but the speed and intensity with which you flip back and forth is scary. You need to cancel this visit now because it's extremely apparent you don't have the emotional armor to deal with this. Edited January 25, 2016 by lana-banana 1 Link to post Share on other sites
venusishername Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Yes you have it right. I know it's silly. I just don't want to let this go, I have grown attached to him. I just don't get though, how last week he was telling me on Skype that he "does not want to lose me", kept texting me that he "wants to continue", and then when I did end things on Friday he just left it. I'm planning on texting him today. I'm thinking of sending him this: "Hi Paul, I hope you're having a good week. I just have to say that I'm a little surprised; how is it that you kept saying you "don't want to lose me" and then just let this go when I expressed doubts on Friday, without coming after me? Was it just an easy way out of something you never really wanted? If you had pursued me in the days that followed, it would have restored my faith that I did mean something to you. It would have encouraged me to continue this, even if we postponed thinking about an official relationship. Instead I just got your silence. Does this mean it was all just a game for you? If only to give some value to the time and effort I put into this, I think I deserve an explanation." Do you think this will work? I'm trying to reach out to him in a way that I don't lose my dignity. Hi Sweeetie- I am only into page 2 of your thread.. but already my advice to you is... STOP CHASING PAUL. If any man waffles about being with you, he's not that into you. The fact that he didn't respond after what you said, (and good for you) is your answer. You make it too easy for him to string you along. I don't care if he TOLD you that he didn't want to lose you. If he MEANT that, he would be making sure he didn't. Men are simple. They don't do what they don't want to do, and they go after what they want. One thing I learned was that a man will never let things drop if he really wants to be with a woman. He won't leave it up to you to keep the connection. If you go quiet, he'll be back. I also think your eagerness to label your relationship might be putting him off. However, my boyfriends in my life (less than 5 long term) have all made it REAL clear to me within a very short period of time that they wanted to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with me. I never had to ask or wonder. If you don't know where you stand, you stand nowhere. (Someone told me that here on LS). Link to post Share on other sites
venusishername Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) I know. The last thing I want to do is to lose my dignity. I just haven't liked a man this much before and that's why if the ball is in my court I don't want to walk away from this. Since he is interested in seeing me again perhaps I can lay out my terms as I did with exclusivity, eg constant communication, regularity etc. I really can't settle for less than that. Ok, I just read the whole thread and it is shocking to me that you would even give him the time of day at this point after the way he has treated you. It could not be more clear that he doesn't respect you. He's sleeping with other women. That's why he mentioned 'polygamy' because he's doing it. You know that, right? You say it's lust that's driving you to be with him (at this point you are chasing him). Are you serious? Get a grip. You have control over your feelings. Have more confidence in yourself. Reading some of the things you posted about what he said, and the fact that 6 weeks passed without even a phone call? That's your answer. That's how little he thinks about your... what did he refer to it as recently? 'Friendship'? Now you've bargained down to be one of the multiple women he is seeing, or sleeping with... and now he's nice enough to tell you get to have a 'friendship'. Wtf? Sweeetie- as someone else said here...people (not just men, we are all the same) don't respect or value those who don't follow through on their word. People don't respect those who waffle or are willing to bargain for their standards. You compromised what is important to you because you want him so much. How can he possibly take you seriously? He doesn't. Seriously. Get a grip. Walk away and hold your head high. He's not worth losing your self-respect. You've said it over and over here... how you don't want to lose your dignity. By continuing on whatever this is with him... you already are. Edited January 25, 2016 by venusishername 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I don't think Sweetie is going to listen to anyone. Unfortunately she has lost touch with reality and is far gone. The delusions and desperation have taken complete control (not trying to be mean). It's really sad to see. A good man would not take advantage of that but it seems this man has no moral compass. He would rather prey on her vulnerabilities but of course, it's up to Sweetie to wake up and smell the roses and stop trying to bargain with a man for his interest and commitment. Very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 He *liked* you in the beginning because you made him work to get sex, so he respected you and probably thought you were someone special. Now is a totally different story. Although I do agree with an earlier post that he may have just been playing you to add a notch to his bedpost. Whatever his intentions were, you will not get to your goal with these desperate attempts to garner some of his attention. Sex doesn't create emotional attachment for most men. It can be purely physical, as evident with this guy who wants polygamy. Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I can't believe you're still at it Sweeetie. He wants to shag other women. That should be the end of the story. Link to post Share on other sites
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