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A little help? My life is a mess.


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Hi folks. First time posting here, though I've been reading quite a bit. It seems there are quite a number of pretty level-headed people here, so I'm going to give this a try.

 

Sigh. Where to begin?

 

I've been married for 7 years. Our physical relationship has never been quite what I'd hoped, with a maybe once-a-week in the early days, and steadily dwindling to nothing.

 

It's now been over 2 years since there has been any physical intimacy. She claims she "just has no interest" - which is I guess dandy for her, but I'm neither ready for celibacy, nor do I consider it any sort of "superior" lifestyle.

 

The weird thing is that we get along pretty well otherwise. If we were roomates, I'd say it was just about perfect. As a marriage... it leaves alot to be desired.

 

Don't get me wrong - I don't for a minute suggest that sex is the only thing. I miss the cuddling, kissing, and the closeness that usually comes along with a loving relationship. We have really nothing but civility - which may be enough for some people, but it's far from what I need.

 

Now it gets a bit more complicated.

 

There is a woman that I associate with as part of my work...

From the moment I first laid eyes on her... I was smitten. But - being married, I kept my thoughts, my hands, and everything else to myself. This would have been just fine, except about 2 months ago, she starts coming on to me.

 

Not only did I need to "pinch myself," because she is gorgeous and 10 years my junior, but it was almost unbelievable to experience a woman actually responding to me again. She confided that she'd been a lesbian for the past 15 years... but that she wanted to have a "relationship" with me.

 

OK - so far so good, right? Wrong.

 

It never ended up being anything but some "making out," because any time I was available, she wasn't, or was busy, or whatever.

 

Just about the time I had totally fallen for her... (and like a fool - lent her $1500 that I couldn't afford to give - because she had an "emergency") now... she tells me she's still in love with her girlfriend, and she doesn't want to have an affair with a married man.

 

Now - I can understand both of those things... but why rip my heart out in the process?

 

I know that morally - I was 100% wrong to have anything to do with her, even though my marriage is pretty-much dead. I guess what gets to me is that I go out of my way to be thoughtful, generous, respectful, courteous, etc., etc... all the things that I guess women hate now.

 

Am I messed up, or am I just mixed up with the "wrong" women? All I've ever really wanted was to be happy. I reject the notion that "nice guys finish last," although I'm beginning to understand what makes some men jerks.

 

I still believe in love, but I'm starting to wonder if my notions of love are sort-of like Santa Claus. Nice concept - but complete fantasy.

 

Thanks for listening. Please be gentle... I know I'm leaving myself open to some potential criticism here.

 

dc

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Well..

 

Got to tell ya the first mistake here was opening up a relationship outside your Marriage.. IF things are not good in the marriage then it either needs to be fixed so BOTH people in the marriage are happy OR the Marriage needs to end and both people go thier own way.. sounds simplistice but for real.. an affair isn't going to make things easier or better in the marriage..

 

Secondly.. The Woman you got involved with.. got to say sounds like an opportunist (IMO) she said she's a Lesbian.. then she says what the hell for you she's willing to switch teams? See.. I don't think so.. I think she saw an opportunity to take advantage of the situation and wow.. she was most sucessful in that..

 

She already knew you're married BEFORE she started messing around with you..

She already knew her sexual preference BEFORE she started messing around with you..

 

Sounds to me that she knew what she was after to begin with.. say about 1500 dolla's...

 

Expensive lesson uh...

 

Talk to your wife... you need to let her know that while sex isn't everything it IS a BIG part of the relationship to you and not having any physical contact is going to be a deal breaker...

 

Good Luck

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Marshbear
Originally posted by Merin

 

Secondly.. The Woman you got involved with.. got to say sounds like an opportunist (IMO) she said she's a Lesbian.. then she says what the hell for you she's willing to switch teams? See.. I don't think so.. I think she saw an opportunity to take advantage of the situation and wow.. she was most successful in that..

 

She already knew you're married BEFORE she started messing around with you..

She already knew her sexual preference BEFORE she started messing around with you..

 

Sounds to me that she knew what she was after to begin with.. say about 1500 dolla's...

 

Expensive lesson uh...

 

Brother, you got used. She knew you were ripe for picking and plucked you like a violin.

What can you say? You can't complain because you're married. She is quite the scammer.

I would say you need to get yourself and your w into counseling and see if your problems can be worked out.

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Hi dc00069,

 

I have to say I sympathise because a year or so ago I was taken for a financial ride too. Sounds like you were as trusting as me. It seems clear that this woman knew you liked her and used this to get some cash out of you.

 

Ok, you shouldn't have gone looking outside marriage, counselling etc is needed, but it does sound as if you and your wife have always been sexually incompatible and things have gone from bad to the worst they could be! Sometimes you just have to know when to call it a day and move on. Other times you have to decide whether compromise and fighting to keep the marriage alive is the way to go.

 

Only you and your wife can know this.

 

As for love, yes I think it does exist. Try not to lose that belief.

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Thank you for the input.

 

You folks are gonna love this...

 

I immediately cut off all contact with her - no phone calls, no emails, no PM's. It's been two weeks, and now what?

 

Yep... you guessed it. Now she wants to "have lunch" tomorrow.

 

My reply?

 

"Sorry... I have other plans."

 

 

In a strange sort of way, I'm almost enjoying this.

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Good job cutting off the other woman.

 

But, you don't really seem to care about your marriage being basically over. What are you going to do about that? It is not normal to have NO sex drive whatsoever. So your wife obviously needs some help, and as you husband you should help her get it.

 

So..... Are you going to try and save your marraige? Or are you just going to wait for another OW to come along and force you to make a decision.

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