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25 and controlled...


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So I met a guy I worked with who travels from city to city for an event. We worked together for 10 days, and didn't have the opportunity to really get to know each other until towards the end. I ended up staying over two nights with him. A long distance relationship is NOT something I will consider, but I did enjoy his company.

 

Since he's left, we've been communicating everyday (2 weeks). My family is vacationing 4 hours from his hometown, and he has offered to come visit me.

 

Now for the issue: I am 25 years old and still live at home. While I stayed over with him, my mom was blowing up my phone telling me I don't know this guy well enough, calling me irresponsible, and a slut. Once I returned home, she never confronted me about any of this, rather she just ignored me.

 

he may need a place to stay, so I'm not really sure how to deal with this situation. If I were to ask for permission my mom would flat out say no, as "I don't know this guy". I was kind of thinking if I just let him come, and tell my mom, that after driving 4 hours she can't really do much. I don't really know what to do in this situation because this is the only opportunity I'll have to see him. In the past, my mom has been quite controlling. When I first started seeing my ex (3 years ago), she told me that he was going to ruin my focus on school, and that I'm wasting time etc. However, it did not turn out that way.

 

Any advice on how to deal with my mom and this particular situation ?

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Clarence_Boddicker

Move out, you're 25.

 

 

Rent a cheap motel room & split the cost.

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Also, I should mention I live at home still because I am working on my second degree. I do not necessarily have the funds to just move out. Renting a motel would be easy, but that is going to lead to the exact same reaction I got when I stayed at his apartment.

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Under no circumstances should you invite this guy to stay in your Mom's house. What are you thinking?

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Under no circumstances should you invite this guy to stay in your Mom's house. What are you thinking?

 

I understand that. This is why I've come to this forum. I am here to get advice and opinions on how to deal with this situation

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You deal with the situation by giving your mom a chance to get to know the guy. Perhaps have him over to dinner or take your mom out. Let her see you talking to him & about him in between dates.

 

She's just worried that you are moving too fast. Give her a chance to get to know the great guy you like.

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You deal with the situation by giving your mom a chance to get to know the guy. Perhaps have him over to dinner or take your mom out. Let her see you talking to him & about him in between dates.

 

She's just worried that you are moving too fast. Give her a chance to get to know the great guy you like.

 

That advice would be perfect if the guy I've been talking to lived in the same city. He is visiting for two days/ one night, and my family will be on vacation for one week.

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That advice would be perfect if the guy I've been talking to lived in the same city. He is visiting for two days/ one night, and my family will be on vacation for one week.

 

So they can meet him next time.

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This is the situation. I either say "hey mom look, I really want to see my friend. Would you be okay with him staying the night?". Chances are she's not going to be down for that.

 

Or, I get a hotel and stay with him.. Chances are she's not going to be down for that.

 

Only way she will be happy is if he just doesn't come. If I were to fly to his hometown and see him. She would not be down for that.

 

I am 25, and I am being treated like I am 16.

 

What does one do when their hands are tied, and this is the ONLY opportunity to see someone..

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Is your mom from a more conservative culture? My mother was an immigrant, and I had a far stricter upbringing than most of my friends.

 

If he wants to visit, he should stay at a motel; I'd advise this even if you had your own place. You haven't spent enough time with him to know what he's really like. That way, if your second visit doesn't go as well as the previous, you can easily remove yourself from the situation.

 

Do you have any friends or relatives that you could be roommates with or sublet from? I think your mom is concerned for your well being, but she certainly isn't addressing it in the best manner. I'd avoid arguing, but if she brings this up again, let her know that you understand her concern, but that she hurt your feelings when she made those comments, and that you are a responsible individual. Avoid discussing some aspects of your personal life with her if you feel she's likely to criticize; unless your actions are repeatedly disrupting her life, it's not really her business whom you're seeing.

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Date him more conventionally while he's in town. You go out, then you sleep at home & he sleeps in his hotel. Whether you visit the hotel then come home afterwards is up to you.

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Is your mom from a more conservative culture? My mother was an immigrant, and I had a far stricter upbringing than most of my friends.

 

If he wants to visit, he should stay at a motel; I'd advise this even if you had your own place. You haven't spent enough time with him to know what he's really like. That way, if your second visit doesn't go as well as the previous, you can easily remove yourself from the situation.

 

Do you have any friends or relatives that you could be roommates with or sublet from? I think your mom is concerned for your well being, but she certainly isn't addressing it in the best manner. I'd avoid arguing, but if she brings this up again, let her know that you understand her concern, but that she hurt your feelings when she made those comments, and that you are a responsible individual. Avoid discussing some aspects of your personal life with her if you feel she's likely to criticize; unless your actions are repeatedly disrupting her life, it's not really her business whom you're seeing.

 

It's not culture, I think it's just the person that my mom is. She is very controlling. I even have an 12pm curfew on weekdays. Whenever I do not have a boyfriend, she always wants to know where I am, and who I am with. If I start hanging out with new people, she always questions why all the sudden I am hanging out with new people I do not know. I always do what I need to do to keep my mom happy and out of my hair, but in this situation I am losing my mind.

 

This guy asked if there was a place for him to crash.. Caught up in the moment and not having enough time to really think... I said yes. So now I'm in this situation where I need to back track. Awkward

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This may be the impetus you need to move.

 

You also better talk to this guy who may not realize you live with your parents. He thinks he has a free place to stay on this trip which isn't the case.

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Hate to be the wet blanket here, OP, but - regardless of your age (it doesn't matter if you're 52, not 25) - her house, her rules...no matter how unreasonable you may believe them to be.

 

It's the trade-off/consequence of her footing the bill/lessening your expenses while you go to school.

 

 

This part threw me, though:

 

...This guy asked if there was a place for him to crash.. Caught up in the moment and not having enough time to really think... I said yes. So now I'm in this situation where I need to back track. Awkward

 

 

How [already] in *love* with this guy are you, that you completely forgot the fact that mother is NOT going to allow it...after 25 years' worth of training as to how "controlling" she is?!?

 

:eek:

Edited by mrldii
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This may be the impetus you need to move.

 

You also better talk to this guy who may not realize you live with your parents. He thinks he has a free place to stay on this trip which isn't the case.

 

He is fully aware that I still live at home. Is he also fully aware that I am vacationing with my family. When I told him this, he was still okay with being around my family.

 

How should I bring this up to him? Should I mention to my mom that I will be meeting this guy for a day? Or is this really none of her business?

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Hate to be the wet blanket here, OP, but - regardless of your age (it doesn't matter if you're 52, not 25) - her house, her rules...no matter how unreasonable you may believe them to be.

 

It's the trade-off/consequence of her footing the bill/lessening your expenses while you go to school.

 

 

This part threw me, though:

 

 

 

 

How [already] in *love* with this guy are you, that you completely forgot the fact that mother is NOT going to allow it...after 25 years' worth of training as to how "controlling" she is?!?

 

:eek:

 

Hah, this is not an entirely new situation for me and my siblings. Usually we just do what we want (ie. Stay out and not come home, have her blow up our phones.. Then deal with it later. And by deal with it, I mean just have her avoid us for a day.. Then everything is all good). As mentioned in my previous post, I was considering having him just show up and deal with sleeping arrangements the day of. Then I realized I can't be that selfish

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You know your mom better then we do. Especially on a family vacation my parents would have been very annoyed if I disappeared for the day without telling them where I was going. It's a safety / courtesy issue

 

Have the guy come around & take you to lunch. Do quick intros Then skedaddle with him

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