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Three Years On - Can't Forget


LostInM

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This needs to stop.

 

Quit with the pity party. It solves nothing.

 

Either focus on fixing the problem...or cut her loose.

 

Get back to counseling to focus on what can be done to address the trust issues...or file for divorce.

 

Taking action to fix the problem one way or another is your best cure.

 

I appreciate your candor as well as your advice but I don't see this as a pity party. To me it's a legitimate fear. I'm 45. I'm twenty years older then the guy. I don't care how much prowess you still have at my age I remember when I was 25. I'm not that capable anymore.

 

Sex is an important part of the relationship and I have doubts about what she wants in that regard. I can't be young again. If that's the case and that's what she really wants then my only option is divorce.

 

I believed in her enough to put those feelings aside after the therapy but seeing a four hour short stay on my CC tells me that her afternoons shopping were more often afternoons screwing.

 

Maybe the other posters are right then. Maybe I should divorce her and find a woman that doesn't need younger guys to feel good about herself. We had a good life together for most of the time. This is going to be a ****ty way to end that.

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So you still don't trust that you got the full truth from before...and that's why you can't rebuild trust now.

 

Burying your head in the sand isn't going to fix things, my friend. You need what you need in order to trust her again...or, you need to realize that you never will, and end the marriage.

 

I think she lied to spare me. It killed me when I found out. I have been in live before but never felt for another woman what I felt for her. I honestly believe she lied to spare my feelings. I believe she is sorry. I believe she loves me. I just don't believe I can make her feel as good about certain things in our marriage as they could. She swears our sex life is the best she's ever experienced, we'll then what's the young guys? I don't believe I meet her needs in that aspect.

 

That bothers me. That leads me to believe it will happen again.

 

I'm sorry I don't feel I'm taking pity on myself. I'm trying to figure out why and what I can do in the relationship to prevent her feeling that way again but if it's purely physical then there is nothing I can do.

 

She cheated because we were distant, I was checked out emotionally but she choose sex over anything else she could have done. Telling me she feel in love with someone would make more sense because of our lack of emotions for each other but she didn't fall in love.

 

She didn't replace what she says she was missing with a equal something.

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I appreciate your candor as well as your advice but I don't see this as a pity party. To me it's a legitimate fear. I'm 45. I'm twenty years older then the guy. I don't care how much prowess you still have at my age I remember when I was 25. I'm not that capable anymore.

 

Sex is an important part of the relationship and I have doubts about what she wants in that regard. I can't be young again. If that's the case and that's what she really wants then my only option is divorce.

 

I believed in her enough to put those feelings aside after the therapy but seeing a four hour short stay on my CC tells me that her afternoons shopping were more often afternoons screwing.

 

Maybe the other posters are right then. Maybe I should divorce her and find a woman that doesn't need younger guys to feel good about herself. We had a good life together for most of the time. This is going to be a ****ty way to end that.

 

So the fact that she had sex DOES matter.

 

Dude...you really ARE all over the place.

 

I've given you my advice...either focus on fixing the problem, or end the marriage.

 

If you can't do either, then you need to see a therapist to help you resolve whatever issues are preventing you from getting to that point.

 

That's all I got for you. Good luck.

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So the fact that she had sex DOES matter.

 

Dude...you really ARE all over the place.

 

I've given you my advice...either focus on fixing the problem, or end the marriage.

 

If you can't do either, then you need to see a therapist to help you resolve whatever issues are preventing you from getting to that point.

 

That's all I got for you. Good luck.

 

I must not be explaining this correctly. I don't care she had sex at this point. I dealt with that in therapy. I do have a fear about it being repeated because I don't meet her needs in that regard. I didn't think I was all over the place. The receipt bought up doubts about myself to maintain this marriage. I usually purge what Evers in my head when I post because it helps me to get it out and stop the cycle.

 

My concern from the time I posted is her cheating again because she needs something I can't give her. She says I do but I don't trust her. I did before the affairs and I did before I saw the receipt.

 

I came here soliciting ways to adjust the thought patterns that worked for other people.

 

My lack of confidence stems from her not getting what she says she was missing from our relationship. She got something else. I'm sorry to irritate you. Thank you for your help and thank you for posting. I understand you feel you can't help anymore, thank you for trying though.

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Nobody can help you but you. You don't seem to want to actually change your thought process. You believe what you believe and don't want to believe elsewise.

 

If your wife has really worked on what was missing in her... And if she is truely remorseful then she will not cheat again. She will have learned her lesson. You couls be the shttist husband in the worls and she still won't seek outaide validation.

 

Stop chickening out on the poly and do it. Because either way I think it can only be a good thing.

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I must not be explaining this correctly. I don't care she had sex at this point. I dealt with that in therapy.

I don't know what you mean by "dealt with" but your feelings about this are anything but resolved. Just because you were able to successfully bury your feelings about it - temporarily - in MC doesn't mean you've accepted what she did.

 

Your original ask was "what things can help me change my thoughts" and you bring this up now and then on the thread. I want you to understand that until you are satisfied that you know the truth about what she did your thinking is not going to magically change. You have to work through your denial before the symptoms associated with being a BH are going to begin to dissipate.

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How does she handle you triggering?

 

And yes, get back to MC!!

 

She apologizes for doing that to us and asks what can I do to help you?

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I don't know what you mean by "dealt with" but your feelings about this are anything but resolved. Just because you were able to successfully bury your feelings about it - temporarily - in MC doesn't mean you've accepted what she did.

 

Your original ask was "what things can help me change my thoughts" and you bring this up now and then on the thread. I want you to understand that until you are satisfied that you know the truth about what she did your thinking is not going to magically change. You have to work through your denial before the symptoms associated with being a BH are going to begin to dissipate.

 

Before therapy all I was concerned with was the sex. Why, etc. I didn't want to hear that I did anything to cause her to cheat. Before you all jump on that let me explain.

 

I know I did not cause her to cheat. I did things in the marriage that created the situation to cause her to make a bad decision. When I say before therapy all I was concerned about was the sex was the actual account and details and where and when etc.

 

My issue now is a self imposed lack of trust because my head spirals out if control and makes little innocuous things into gigantic messes. She does everything and is completely transparent.

 

The exercises the last doctor taught me haven't helped much. The days between full blown fits in my head are getting further apart and I don't really trigger anymore. I just let the thoughts creep in and obscure the good things that are going on.

 

It does help to purge here, I always feel better. Maybe I should just start my own throw up thread and then go enjoy my life. I just want that little demon off my shoulder and to relax.

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Before therapy all I was concerned with was the sex. Why, etc. I didn't want to hear that I did anything to cause her to cheat. Before you all jump on that let me explain.

 

I know I did not cause her to cheat. I did things in the marriage that created the situation to cause her to make a bad decision. When I say before therapy all I was concerned about was the sex was the actual account and details and where and when etc.

 

My issue now is a self imposed lack of trust because my head spirals out if control and makes little innocuous things into gigantic messes. She does everything and is completely transparent.

 

The exercises the last doctor taught me haven't helped much. The days between full blown fits in my head are getting further apart and I don't really trigger anymore. I just let the thoughts creep in and obscure the good things that are going on.

 

It does help to purge here, I always feel better. Maybe I should just start my own throw up thread and then go enjoy my life. I just want that little demon off my shoulder and to relax.

You're like a kid who wants a new bike but isn't willing to work for it. You can't get to the place you want to be with regard to mental images/mind movies without doing the work to get there. And if you truly believe you have done all the work you need then just live with the thoughts that creep you out and get used to them.

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You're like a kid who wants a new bike but isn't willing to work for it. You can't get to the place you want to be with regard to mental images/mind movies without doing the work to get there. And if you truly believe you have done all the work you need then just live with the thoughts that creep you out and get used to them.

 

I think I'm just going to go elsewhere. Thank you all for your help.

 

I appreciate your inputs but to im like a little kid who wants a new bike or I'm having a putty party for my self is insulting.

 

I worked very hard for three years to save my marriage. Couples counseling, independent counseling, reading several books and talking to people.

 

I realize this is a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinions and I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their lives to try and help.

 

I do not feel sorry for myself. I have a concern and I was soliciting in a round about and sometimes confusing way to learn how other people dealt with a situation like this.

 

I apologize for being confusing at times but sometimes the "puke" coming out of my head was old feelings that were clouding my real issue.

 

Thank you again.

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I think I'm just going to go elsewhere. Thank you all for your help.

 

I appreciate your inputs but to im like a little kid who wants a new bike or I'm having a putty party for my self is insulting.

 

I worked very hard for three years to save my marriage. Couples counseling, independent counseling, reading several books and talking to people.

 

 

The advice that everyone has given you is quite valid - this is one of the best sites on the internet for asking a community of individuals of their opinions. A lot of people have been through similar circumstances, and can empathize. If you are going to go elsewhere, then it is because you do not want to listen to the decent advice that is being given. Some people are more blunt than others, but in the end - you have do do what you think is best.

 

I think that you should go through with the polygraph. Your issue centers around trust, and maybe I'm wrong - but it doesn't seem like you want your wife to prove to you that she's being honest. I don't think that you will resolve this until you know for sure. I hope that you both are able to move past this - life is too short, and you've been through too much to throw everything away unless there is a valid reason to. Good luck, LostInM...

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She apologizes for doing that to us and asks what can I do to help you?

 

This is good.

 

I understand triggering and then spiraling out of control. It happens to me with some things and I hate it. I have some long standing triggers with my H because his behaviors went on for so long in our M. Triggers are hard, and they suck. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get very angry that I have to feel this way at all. And he can't help me in that moment.

 

Do you have a trusted friend that you can talk to when you start to spiral? If the things that the counselor taught you aren't working now, then maybe it is time to try some new counseling to deal with new behaviors that are presenting. Do you feel that it is hopeless to try counseling again?

 

I am going back into IC for myself for the fourth time. Not because things aren't working, but because new issues are presenting. Life changes all the time, and sometimes a new set of eyes on the problem can make all the difference. It is ok if you don't have all the answers. No one expects you to in this situation.

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I don't think you need to go back for MC - I think at this

Point you should go back to do some work on yourself.

 

Work on your self esteem and ideas about how your thoughts CAN be controlled by you.

 

It's worth the time and energy to get to feeling better about yourself/your thoughts.

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miguelcervantes
I don't know. I didn't think I did but maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just rushing this. It's just a year ago I felt so good! I didn't even think about the affairs at all. My entire life was fantastic.

 

We had a great night last night! I cooked dinner, we sat on the couch under a blanket and watched a movie. We had a very nice night. We had amazing sex and I even had two orgasms! Something that doesn't happen that often anymore when we have sex.

 

All I could think about this morning was if my talking dirty to her was better then the other guy. I'm 45 and acting like an 18 year old. My stupid brain is screwing me up. I can't relax.

 

If you don't care if she had sex with him or not and don't want to take up her offer on the polygraph test, then all that you seem to care about was that she had inappropriate conversations about your own sex life with him. And now you want to know if you can have even sexier conversations with her than him ???

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  • 2 weeks later...

To me this is complex but has a simple answer.

 

Marriage is ruined.

 

If you were to prove she slept with another man, that would ruin things. If she proved that she didn't, would you trust her again anyway?

 

 

I don't think its a healthy relationship for either if you. Nobody should have your kind of power in a relationship IMO. She's a prisoner to her guilt and you're a prisoner to your anxiety.

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To the OP,

 

Not everyone here understands the mental obsessing. I do.

 

You are NOT weak for obsessing.

 

The thoughts are intrusive, as in they can't be stopped. It's a result of the trauma you experienced.

 

The thoughts are in your head, and it's not like you can simply get rid of them. To some extent, you will be dealing with it for the rest of your life.

 

Many of the exercises a psychologist will give you simply don't work. Some people claim good results with EMDR but you need to be stable enough to use that technique.

 

I've been where you've been but I wasn't in R with a remorseful wife, so at least you have that going for you.

 

One thing you have control over is getting medical attention. I HIGHLY recommend getting a prescription for your symptoms.

 

Part of you is still in shock and reliving trauma. It's a form of PTSD. Talk to your doctor. Describe the severity of your symptoms and the effect it has on your mental functioning and your relationship.

 

Zoloft is commonly prescribed for people in your situation. Along with an additional anti-anxiety medication.

 

Your mind has an organic basis. You have experienced trauma which has changed your neurochemistry. A prolonged fear response actually changes the size of certain parts of your brain.

 

Seek help.

 

A divorce would not stop the obsessive thoughts. Trust me.

 

With regards to getting the 100% truth, you may never get it. With regards to knowing whether or not she slept with another man, try the polygraph. She's offering to do it, so just do it.

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Seeing as how this has affected you, I suggest you get a divorce or else it will keep haunting you and you will not be happy.

 

 

Also you need to go see a psychologist.

Edited by peruano99
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Untouchable_Fire
I think I'm just going to go elsewhere. Thank you all for your help.

I appreciate your inputs but to im like a little kid who wants a new bike or I'm having a putty party for my self is insulting.

I worked very hard for three years to save my marriage. Couples counseling, independent counseling, reading several books and talking to people.

I realize this is a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinions and I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their lives to try and help.

I do not feel sorry for myself. I have a concern and I was soliciting in a round about and sometimes confusing way to learn how other people dealt with a situation like this.

I apologize for being confusing at times but sometimes the "puke" coming out of my head was old feelings that were clouding my real issue.

Thank you again.

 

It's your wife that makes you feel this way. She took your confidence away and has not given it back.

 

This is her fault and it should be on her to fix! You can't be married to her and fix this on your own, it has to be her responsibility. It CAN be done, and if you want your marriage it gas to be done.

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It's your wife that makes you feel this way. She took your confidence away and has not given it back.

 

This is her fault and it should be on her to fix! You can't be married to her and fix this on your own, it has to be her responsibility. It CAN be done, and if you want your marriage it gas to be done.

 

The Op didn't like the advice he was getting here so I think he has moved on. But I did want to adress this post because it has missed the mark by a mile for this one. Going by all the informations provided the FWW has doen everything except so far ONE withheld information. Since it has come out she has even offered a poly. This isn't a man in the first aftermath of DDay. He is fat enough out he needs to do his part.

 

The WS cannot save the marriage alone. It takes more than a groveling WS. It takes far more than a WS who does erything 100%. It takes a alot of work on the BS.

 

In this case the ball is in th OP's court now. Not the wife's (if she is being 100% honest now) but even if she isn't it is still in his court... Poly her. Or DO anything. Because he is the only one who can decide for himself.

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Untouchable_Fire
The Op didn't like the advice he was getting here so I think he has moved on. But I did want to adress this post because it has missed the mark by a mile for this one. Going by all the informations provided the FWW has doen everything except so far ONE withheld information. Since it has come out she has even offered a poly. This isn't a man in the first aftermath of DDay. He is fat enough out he needs to do his part.

The WS cannot save the marriage alone. It takes more than a groveling WS. It takes far more than a WS who does erything 100%. It takes a alot of work on the BS.

In this case the ball is in th OP's court now. Not the wife's (if she is being 100% honest now) but even if she isn't it is still in his court... Poly her. Or DO anything. Because he is the only one who can decide for himself.

 

OP may not be commenting, but there is a possibility of coming back and reading follow up posts.

 

I'm not going to say you are wrong, but in this case what you are saying doesn't fit the situation.

 

It's on the WS to fix what he or she broke within the relationship. She has clearly failed to do that, and by continuing to lie her ass off and trickle truth is actually making the problem much worse. That is on her to fix because it's out of his control. He can't fix how her actions are making him feel. It's completely ridiculous to even suggest it.

 

This isn't about groveling around acting sorry. That doesn't fix anything. She has to work with him to find out what's broken and then start working to fix it. She basically drove a truck through the living room wall... and you think it can be fixed by replacing the upstairs window. :confused:

 

Also, everything he listed she changed to be a "100% perfect wife" is what any decent wife is already doing. Do you want to give her a cookie for finally doing what she is supposed to do?

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OP may not be commenting, but there is a possibility of coming back and reading follow up posts.

 

I'm not going to say you are wrong, but in this case what you are saying doesn't fit the situation.

 

It's on the WS to fix what he or she broke within the relationship. She has clearly failed to do that, and by continuing to lie her ass off and trickle truth is actually making the problem much worse. That is on her to fix because it's out of his control. He can't fix how her actions are making him feel. It's completely ridiculous to even suggest it.

 

This isn't about groveling around acting sorry. That doesn't fix anything. She has to work with him to find out what's broken and then start working to fix it. She basically drove a truck through the living room wall... and you think it can be fixed by replacing the upstairs window. :confused:

 

Also, everything he listed she changed to be a "100% perfect wife" is what any decent wife is already doing. Do you want to give her a cookie for finally doing what she is supposed to do?

 

I am sorry but we must be reading different posts. This has been three years. Trickle truth at the beginning and one withheld info hecause she knew he wouldn't believe sex didn't happen. That is it.

 

So she is either lying and their marriage is over

 

Or

 

She is telling the truth and he won't let her prove it with a polygraph and is in denial over his own feelings that are in the way of his sanity of mind.

 

If it is the former the only thing your advice would help is if it was given to her. He has obviously made it clear he believes it is the firdt and yet won't rxpect the marriage is over. Nothing she can do will fix it.

 

If it id the latter she can't convince him she is telling the truth. There is nothing more she can do.

 

This is all on him and making his choice for hus life.

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Untouchable_Fire
I am sorry but we must be reading different posts. This has been three years. Trickle truth at the beginning and one withheld info hecause she knew he wouldn't believe sex didn't happen. That is it.

So she is either lying and their marriage is over

Or

She is telling the truth and he won't let her prove it with a polygraph and is in denial over his own feelings that are in the way of his sanity of mind.

If it is the former the only thing your advice would help is if it was given to her. He has obviously made it clear he believes it is the firdt and yet won't rxpect the marriage is over. Nothing she can do will fix it.

If it id the latter she can't convince him she is telling the truth. There is nothing more she can do.

This is all on him and making his choice for hus life.

 

She lied all the way through therapy, and when he finds the truth she gives him an unbelievable story. This is a HUGE thing to lie about! It isn't some minor detail.

 

What is a polygraph supposed to prove? We don't allow them in a court of law for a reason. They simply are not accurate enough for anything but Jerry Springer.

 

She has to come to terms with the fact that her lie makes it impossible to believe this wasn't a physical affair. She then has to begin doing things that rebuild her man's overall confidence. Generally speaking I would suggest to any woman in this situation to begin using lots of compliments and building situations where he will feel good about himself and manly. That may mean asking him to do something for her and then praising it highly.

 

The fixations won't go away quickly, but his focus on this is caused by the smashing of his self esteem... which is 100% her fault.

 

You seem to think this is all about whether to believe her obvious lie regarding one of her TWO affairs. That is a myopic view of what's going on here. Look at the forest don't fixate on one tree.

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She lied all the way through therapy, and when he finds the truth she gives him an unbelievable story. This is a HUGE thing to lie about! It isn't some minor detail.

 

What is a polygraph supposed to prove? We don't allow them in a court of law for a reason. They simply are not accurate enough for anything but Jerry Springer.

 

She has to come to terms with the fact that her lie makes it impossible to believe this wasn't a physical affair. She then has to begin doing things that rebuild her man's overall confidence. Generally speaking I would suggest to any woman in this situation to begin using lots of compliments and building situations where he will feel good about himself and manly. That may mean asking him to do something for her and then praising it highly.

 

The fixations won't go away quickly, but his focus on this is caused by the smashing of his self esteem... which is 100% her fault.

 

You seem to think this is all about whether to believe her obvious lie regarding one of her TWO affairs. That is a myopic view of what's going on here. Look at the forest don't fixate on one tree.

 

You are assuming an awful lot an most contradicts what the OP said himself. Not to mention none of your advice is o any help. If she is lying and they did have sex then only her confessing will be any sort of catalyst and giving him advice his turmoil is because she isn't doing enough and that may not be true. If she isn't lying but he believes he is they will always be at odds. She cannot confess to something she did not do and he can't trust a proven liar. There is no healthy relationship there. and by the way only jaded people would find the story unbelievable or out there. Many people have chickened out before doing the nasty... I wish more would.

As to the poly. You obiously have not really read all the posts. Te poly would call her bluff on offering to do one... If she was bluffing and would force a parking lot confession. Polies error on the side of showing someone to be lying who is not so she is the one at risk. A good tester will notice any discrpencies of someone eho thinks they can beat it. But still the point is for the parkin lot.

 

And no she didn't keep lying in therapy IF no sex happened at the hotel. If she neer saw the OM

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