20 year old female in love

[julie3]

First off, I would like to tell you that I have a complex personality. I have a strange relationship with my parents. We love each other, and I can easily say I have had a positive childhood experience. However, I try to avoid expressing my feelings to them. For example, If I am sad, I try to conceal it. It is almost like I do not want to show them I have feelings. I am not like this with my friends. Only with my parents, for reasons I will never know. I do not want them to see that I am a sensitive human-being with feelings. I don't know why i'm like this with them.

 

anyways, two months ago i was at a coffee shop and this guy hit on me. I am 20, and he is 27. However, he thought i was older because of the way i dress/act. I didn't mind the age difference. We live 2 hours away, so we exchanged numbers and we have been texting, speaking on the phone, skyping etc. we speak on the phone/skype for 6 hours per day, while constantly texting on top of that. He is an amazing guy and we have amazing chemistry.

 

We finally went on our first official date two weeks ago, and we had the most amazing time. I live in NYC, and he lives 3 hours away. He traveled all the way to NYC just to see me for the day. He does not have much money, so he told people that instead of a certain christmas gift, he just wanted money as a present so he can travel to treat me. Him and I have only kissed, by the way. I lied to my parents and said I was meeting up with college friends.

 

There are some issues that may affect my parents, and can negatively affect me in the future. I am jewish. He is not. However, he wants to convert to judiasm to be with me, which is great. My family is well-off and his is working class. I don't know if he can give me the lifestyle that I am accustomed to now. He's extremely brilliant, but he could not afford to attend college, so he does not have a high paying job. The thing is that I am so in love, so I would not mind downsizing to be with him. I think that now though. I don't know how i will feel in the future...

 

First of all, why am I so embarrassed to show my parents that I am a human-being with feelings? It is not normal. I want to tell them that I'm in love but I don't want them to see that side of me. I know they'd be happy for me, but I would be giving up the identity I have presented to them for the past 10 years. I'm not worried to tell them his background. I just wan't to get over the first step and I will worry about that later.

 

 

I'm not the type who falls for guys easily. I am a 20 year old virgin. I am a junior in college. I do not fall for a guy's ********. I am very careful about the guys i associate with. I have never let a guy go further than kissing me. This guy truly loves me and I love him. At age 20, I'm surrounded by many guys and I don't even take interest in them because I'm now in love. I want to cry because it's an amazing feeling. He is my first love.

 

Sorry this is long. Thank you for reading my post .

[d0nnivain]

Calm down. You are way ahead of yourself. It's much too soon to be seriously discussing converting religions. Make it through about a dozen dates before you start thinking about true love & marriage.

 

 

At this point it all sounds so lovely & wonderful & romantic but at some point reality in the form of distance, family & social pressure, and especially economics will come crashing into your little blissful world.

 

 

Date him. Have fun. See how you fit into each other's worlds. Learn about each other but make decisions with your head.

[salparadise]

However, I try to avoid expressing my feelings to them. For example, If I am sad, I try to conceal it. It is almost like I do not want to show them I have feelings. I am not like this with my friends. Only with my parents, for reasons I will never know. I do not want them to see that I am a sensitive human-being with feelings. I don't know why i'm like this with them.

 

Probably because during your childhood your feelings were invalidated... they probably told you how you should feel rather than encouraging you to express your feelings. So you learned to suppress your feelings rather than risking disapproval. This happens to little boys all the time as they are expected to be strong and resilient rather than sensitive. But it happens to girls too. I can imagine a Jewish mother doing this in a loving, caring way. Sound familiar?

 

There are some issues that may affect my parents, and can negatively affect me in the future. I am jewish. He is not. However, he wants to convert to judiasm to be with me, which is great. My family is well-off and his is working class. I don't know if he can give me the lifestyle that I am accustomed to now.

 

Jewish parents are famous for their expectations that their kids will marry within the religion/culture. And it's only natural that they'd want you to continue enjoying the same level of affluence that they've given you. These things are integral to their dreams for your future happiness.

 

First of all, why am I so embarrassed to show my parents that I am a human-being with feelings? It is not normal. I want to tell them that I'm in love but I don't want them to see that side of me. I know they'd be happy for me, but I would be giving up the identity I have presented to them for the past 10 years.

 

You're still afraid that they will invalidate your feelings, and you still want their approval and acceptance. Even though you're still a virgin, romantic love inevitably leads to expressing your sexuality. That part is inconsistent with your role as their cherished, innocent little girl. On the emotional level, you aren't so sure that the former is independent of the latter. The tendency to suppress in order to stay within the safety zone is a lesson you learned very well.

 

My opinion, a best guess based on minimal information of course. What do you think about this?

[julie3]

he was in between jobs at the time. now he works 8 hours per day making 30 dollars per hour. I realize that is still working class though. he comes from a working class family, but he has a very classy personality. he also writes me the most amazing poems, songs, etc. you would never guess he was working class unless he told you.(this is coming from me btw, a "rich jew").

 

anyways, all your posts gave me a lot of thought and consideration, so i abruptly broke up with him via text. it was so sudden and i feel really bad now. it was a dumb move. i'm such an idiot and i think i really hurt him. this is the super condensed version of our conversation...

 

me: i think we should be just friends. i'm sorry but i'm too young for a committed relationship, yet alone a long distance relationship. i'm sorry but i don't think it will work. i'm really sorry and i really like you but our relationship does not make sense. it's not fair to you. you don't have the financial security to spend enough time with me. i can't be with someone i could see only a limited amount. i really did like you though. and you do mean a lot to me. and i hope you find someone great because you deserve it.

i dont mean to be rude but it's just that we come from completely different worlds and i long for my kids to grow up the way i have. ill just end up feeling guilty my whole life if i'm with you. it's easier to be with someone who's similar to me and doesn't have to change his life around in order to be with me

 

him: ok i guess you made it clear i'm not good enough for you and you don't want to be with me. i don't understand the change of heart and why so sudden. where did this come from?

 

me: 1) i'm not going to see you often 2) you're stubborn about attending college 3) i don't want to be the breadwinner. i will most likely end up resenting you for these things in the future

 

him: i'm not stubborn about attending college, i just can't do it right now. and i told you i could see you every weekend if you wanted. but it doesn't matter, you've made up your mind. i knew i wasn't rich enough, successful enough or jewish enough for you but you said not to worry. i knew i wasn't good enough for you.

 

me: i don't want you to waste your money on me. it makes me feel guilty. i need a guy who i'm convenient for, so i don't have to feel guilty about you spending money on me.

 

him: that's a horrible reason. if you love me, it will work.

 

me: it's about money, distance, and age.

 

him: not everyones life is so fortunate. you don't know anything about the **** i've been through that's held me back in life. the sun can't and doesn't shine on everyone. find a guy who's from money, who's parents paid his way through college. that doesn't guarantee he'll love you like i do. ask yourself what's more important and your decision will be a lot clearer. it would be hard to find another guy who would write you songs or poems or make you bracelets or read to you while you fall asleep

 

me: i know. that's why i'm conflicted. i don't want to lose touch with you. you're a great person and i enjoy talking to you.

[julie3]

he was in between jobs at the time. now he works 8 hours per day making 30 dollars per hour. I realize that is still working class though. he comes from a working class family, but he has a very classy personality. he also writes me the most amazing poems, songs, etc. you would never guess he was working class unless he told you.(this is coming from me btw, a "rich jew").

 

anyways, all your posts gave me a lot of thought and consideration, so i abruptly broke up with him via text. it was so sudden and i feel really bad now. it was a dumb move. i'm such an idiot and i think i really hurt him. this is the super condensed version of our conversation...

 

me: i think we should be just friends. i'm sorry but i'm too young for a committed relationship, yet alone a long distance relationship. i'm sorry but i don't think it will work. i'm really sorry and i really like you but our relationship does not make sense. it's not fair to you. you don't have the financial security to spend enough time with me. i can't be with someone i could see only a limited amount. i really did like you though. and you do mean a lot to me. and i hope you find someone great because you deserve it.

i dont mean to be rude but it's just that we come from completely different worlds and i long for my kids to grow up the way i have. ill just end up feeling guilty my whole life if i'm with you. it's easier to be with someone who's similar to me and doesn't have to change his life around in order to be with me

 

him: ok i guess you made it clear i'm not good enough for you and you don't want to be with me. i don't understand the change of heart and why so sudden. where did this come from?

 

me: 1) i'm not going to see you often 2) you're stubborn about attending college 3) i don't want to be the breadwinner. i will most likely end up resenting you for these things in the future

 

him: i'm not stubborn about attending college, i just can't do it right now. and i told you i could see you every weekend if you wanted. but it doesn't matter, you've made up your mind. i knew i wasn't rich enough, successful enough or jewish enough for you but you said not to worry. i knew i wasn't good enough for you.

 

me: i don't want you to waste your money on me. it makes me feel guilty. i need a guy who i'm convenient for, so i don't have to feel guilty about you spending money on me.

 

him: that's a horrible reason. if you love me, it will work.

 

me: it's about money, distance, and age.

 

him: not everyones life is so fortunate. you don't know anything about the **** i've been through that's held me back in life. the sun can't and doesn't shine on everyone. find a guy who's from money, who's parents paid his way through college. that doesn't guarantee he'll love you like i do. ask yourself what's more important and your decision will be a lot clearer. it would be hard to find another guy who would write you songs or poems or make you bracelets or read to you while you fall asleep

 

me: i know. that's why i'm conflicted. i don't want to lose touch with you. you're a great person and i enjoy talking to you.

[d0nnivain]

You need to do what's best for yourself but going forward, don't break up with people via text. It's mean. Have enough class to do it in person or at least over the phone.

 

 

Your abrupt 180 degree swing from OMG I want him to convert & spend the rest of my life with him to let's break up indicates that you have some maturing to do. That isn't meant to be mean or condescending; everybody has to grow up sometime.

[julie3]

woah i would never marry for money. Love obviously always comes first. And you're right, I'm probably not truly in love, which is why i broke up with him. However, I would prefer a lifestyle that i'm already accustomed to. I can fall in love with a well-off man too (well-off, not necessarily rich). So, why should I settle for this guy if I do not truly love him yet? If I do end up with this guy, I would not want to miss out on time with my kids, since I would be working hard to support all of us. Why should I make it difficult and put myself in this position? I'd rather break it off before I truly fall in love with him.

 

I'm not saying that 60k is low income. I'm well aware that it's above the U.S. average. But, I would rather live in the NYC area (near my family and friends), which is super expensive. 60k would not be enough, for lets say, a family of four. I'm the type of person who needs security. It could be just as easy to fall in love with a well-off man, than one from the middle class. Why should I lock myself down with him in an early stage of my life?

 

Also, this is not the only reason. Since he does not make much money, I would hate for him to waste some of it on me, if I do not truly love him yet. He says he doesn't care and he wants to spend money on the girl he loves, but I just feel guilty. I can't really explain it. Maybe its apart of my depression. I'm not sure. I feel that I'm not worth being spent on, and I'm not worth traveling 3 hours. He says i'm delusional and ridiculous for thinking this way (we have talked about this self-worth thing for 2 months already), but i can't help my thoughts. I'd rather be with a guy who I'm more convenient for, and who doesn't have to bend over backwards to treat me. I would feel less guilty this way. Maybe I feel that I don't deserve to be loved by someone? I'm not sure.

 

For example, I'd rather a well-off guy take me for an expensive meal than a guy from less money. This way the well-off man is not sacrificing much on me.

 

I don't even ask for much. I'm not a spoiled person. I'm money conscious and rarely ask for anything. I was just being honest on here, so we can try to solve the problem.

 

 

 

he told me today that i do not even give it a chance to become love because he's not rich. for the past 2 months, he has told me that we can work through my depression together.

 

He is a good guy and he wants to stay by my side no matter what. It makes me feel super guilty that I do not love him as much as he loves me. he tells me how much he loves me and everything and I believe him.

 

 

We have so much chemistry, it's crazy. The day i spent with him in NYC, was one of the best days of my life. But he spent a lot of money on me, and I felt ****ty when the day was over, for some reason. He didn't even complain about it, but i still felt guilty.

 

I have been on many dates with other guys before, but I have not had the same chemistry with them.

 

A week ago, i went to the bars with my friends and I was not interested in any guy because I was too preoccupied with him. That is when I told him I love him back, because I did not take interest in any guy (even though these guys seemed they may be interested in me). before i met him, i have always flirted with guys.

 

then a few days after i told him i was not sure if I love him or not because I have never been in love before. He said that it's okay and not to feel bad, and that it may blossom over time.

 

we confide in each other all the time. We have the most amazing inside jokes etc. I give away certain aspects of my personality, that I have never told anyone before. I'm extremely honest with him, and he loves that.

 

 

he still wants to be with me. I asked him if we can be good friends instead, but he has not responded back yet.