rowell2024 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for all your support, you seem to be the only one who actually considers that this might be real and not just an escapism fantasy between us. Of course AngeletteX would support you. Like you she's a cheater, and an unremorseful one at that. She's deep in her fantasy affair fog. Heck, just look at her thread in the OM/OW forum about what she loves about her married affair partner. Birds of a feather and all that. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I can sort of relate to what you are going through. My story is a little bit different though in that our marriages were already headed for divorce. We also knew each other from HS. And had unrequited love back then. So getting back in touch was fun...discussing old times, etc. But honestly, that died out really fast...within a month of friendship. As our relationship grew, we were consumed with more present real world issues at hand.. like our dissolving marriages. So the affair was nothing HS. If anything, I would love to have that relationship back again. I miss the kid I knew, and I am angry and disappointed at the man I became to know. Intimacy was not some passionate, frenzy get your rocks off kind of thing. There was tenderness, I love you's, and cuddling with warm talks of our future. So, I won't downplay what you have in reconnecting with your HS sweetheart. But I will say this, you should not feel pressured by anyone to leave your marriage. It is your decision entirely. You have ventured into a situation that warrants hurting many people. In my opinion, when you truly love your spouse you don't have affairs. But an entire community will argue this. If anything, seperate from your wife...live life alone for a bit and figure things out. Do some soul searching. Give your wife a chance...Give yourself a chance. Tell your AP you need space to get a clear head. If the AP truly loves you she will go on a live her life until you are divorced and available. I honestly think things are moving way to fast for you. btw- xMM had apartment lease in his hands on dday...and instead he chose to stay with is wife. He also lied to her about our relationship in order to save his. I believe he was unhappy, and I believe he loved me...but it takes courage to leave a bad marriage. And he just wasn't ready. Will he ever? I imagine someday. But, I won't wait for it. Divorce preceedings will be finally be occuring on my end, and I am ready to live... Link to post Share on other sites
kuma Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Yes, you are right, I see that now. I did not realize I was in an empty shell marriage until my emotions were re-awakened by MH and I had something to compare it to. I think it's very common for WS to rewrite their marital history. And it's not fair to compare your H to your lost love... If you think your MM's daughter is a high priority, you shouldn't pressure him to move in together. I have walked in his daughter's shoes. So my advice to him is to get his own apartment if he decides to separate from his wife. His daughter needs time to adjust to her parents' divorce. Give her some time. Thank you for all your support, you seem to be the only one who actually considers that this might be real and not just an escapism fantasy between us. My mother told me that her affair was a fantasy. I'm not saying your affair is a fantasy. But I just wanted you to know that your post "I'm unhappily married story" was very similar to hers. Edited January 19, 2011 by kuma Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for all your support, you seem to be the only one who actually considers that this might be real and not just an escapism fantasy between us. I think that if you are looking for advice on how to conduct a long, long term affair, successfully gaslight and deceive your spouses and children, maintain a profound state of denial and to be able to remain guilt - free and celebratory about it, this poster can be of help to you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think that if you are looking for advice on how to conduct a long, long term affair, successfully gaslight and deceive your spouses and children, maintain a profound state of denial and to be able to remain guilt - free and celebratory about it, this poster can be of help to you. Good luck. oh, that was absolutely brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I am sorry that I posted here, I did not mean to skew the advice for MH, I actually thought I was helping bring a more rounded view of what was going on. He wrote this before telling me about it so it never occurred to me that it would be colored and not the entire truth. I did not feel the need to start my own thread because I was not undecided or unsure of my decision. I chose to leave my husband and wanted to start a new relationship with MH Thank you for your support here. It is advice I have also been giving MH Thank you for your support, I agree. Yes, you are right, I see that now. I did not realize I was in an empty shell marriage until my emotions were re-awakened by MH and I had something to compare it to. Actually, I was looking for some closure and I wanted to apologize for not being there when he was going through the death of his brother. I have much more life experience now and realized that at age 17 I did not possess the ability to support him the way he needed me to. Thank you for all your support, you seem to be the only one who actually considers that this might be real and not just an escapism fantasy between us. There's no need to apologise. I still feel that you will get better advice for you if you post on the OW Forum though. You have now responded to people who have given advice to the OP and thanked them for their support. This is what I meant by slanted advice, as you have in the main responded selectively to those who would appear to support the continuation of the affair. We are supposed to be responding to the OP because he asked for guidance and to me that includes encouraging him to "work on his marriage" as they say. By definition that would mean ending his affair with you. I note that you have not thanked anyone who has suggested he unilaterally end the affair with you to see if his marriage can be saved. He I assume would be constrained by your presence from even considering this. I am curious as to why you need to be so involved in his thread, even to the point of thanking people that agree that ending his marriage is the best thing to do? OP you will have difficulty getting useful advice in my opinion and even more difficulty following it. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I am curious as to why you need to be so involved in his thread, even to the point of thanking people that agree that ending his marriage is the best thing to do? Honestly I suggest both of their marriages need to end with the amount of deception and disrespect going on. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 He wrote this before telling me about it so it never occurred to me that it would be colored and not the entire truth. I did not feel the need to start my own thread because I was not undecided or unsure of my decision. I chose to leave my husband and wanted to start a new relationship with MH Your truth is different than his truth. Also, why should he tell you about posting on a public forum asking for advice? Does it bother you that came here, askin for help without asking you first?? If MH wasn't in your life, would you still be leaving and divorcing your husband? Reguardless of what MH does or doesn't do shouldn't get in the way of you setting your husband free so he (your H) can find a woman who will love and adore him, the way he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Really ... even though it puts a cramp in my morals, I really think Midwestern Heart and Beyondmycontrol do deserve each other, and with what we know, the best case scenario for their respective spouses would be freedom from this pair. I'd be interested to hear how their grand love plays out after they get rid of their current partners. I bet it is not very pretty, but we'll never know. I hope their spouses fare better. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 beyondmycontrol;3200916] This man and I were high school sweethearts, we lost our virginities together and had a rather adult emotional bond for being 18 and 17 years old. What happened to us?….I am still not sure, but hindsight tells me that there may have been lack of commitment on my OM’s part. there is a pattern = he is still lacking in the commitment department - to his WIFE and now to YOU. THAT, my dear, is a very selfish and dishonest man you slept with. THAT is now YOUR reality. still want it? I was struggling with growing apart from my husband (but to clarify, not a loveless marriage, he professes his love for me all the time. It is me who feels distant, like I have changed to be what he wants me to be over the years and now I was getting myself back to center, what I really was interested in, believed in and enjoyed instead of doing things he liked). My OM liked the same things, we agreed on many important points. when growing apart = it is important to find a way to re-connect with that person - not go blaming him and finding a new and exciting man. blame yourself. YOU did this. own it. He asked to meet me and I could not resist. oh yes you COULD - but you chose not to! I couldn’t keep from touching him and physically ached when we were apart. oh yes you could - you chose not to... see a pattern here? I had hope that maybe this would actually be a second chance for us both. of course you did - but proper order would be to divorce first - THEN explore whether this could work without the harm caused to others by your selfish actions. We made love a few times (this was difficult to arrange as you can imagine) and it was rock your world amazing. I absolutely believed he loved me as he said he did otherwise I guarantee it would not have been good sex. oh yes it would. forbidden sex is always electrifying. don't lie to yourself. your "fantasy" fueled the ignite button - it had nothing to do with your MM - but everything to do with your fantasy. If felt beyond my control and not even as an affair since we were together first and we were soulmates. Who can argue with fate? i'll argue it. you have CHOICES! when it hurts others = that is your indication that it's just blatantly WRONG! fate has NOTHING to do with any of it - you make choices. your MM is here asking = because he knows it's totally wrong. IF it wasn't - he would have told his W about it all. you are his secret. you KNEW this was a possibility when the facebook request was started. THOSE are choices. i always choose not to start the fire when it could mean harm to others. we always have THAT choice. own your choices! you are NOT the victim here - you did this... own it. I did make it known early on that it was the dishonesty that bothered me the most, but you did get involved anyway. even though you KNEW you were being dishonest- YOU made the choice. do YOU see the pattern here - then you cry the victim role. YOUR spouses are the victims= because you don't allow them to know your truth! tell them. it never matters how YOU feel - it only matters what you DO! let’s just tell our spouses and be together. go ahead. THAT would be the right thing. but remember - honesty isn't a strong point, so be realistic... I refused to be the cliché other woman and he could not have us both. NOPE - YOU already are THAT woman! be honest, come on! you became that woman when you chose to get involved - and you knew it would lead here. I needed a decision. He had issues with leaving his family in financial straits. I understood that and just needed a plan. YOU MAKE a decision. YOU have that right. choose wisely! seriously! make a choice that causes the least harm and the most honesty... you can start fresh. why are you allowing yourself to be at the mercy of his decision? you are not a wimpy gal - so stop acting like a victim - you have choices. DO the right thing. I agree with you all that telling his wife is the right thing to do especially rather than have her find out by some accident, that would be more hurtful. IF you agree - leave this MM alone! stop tempting him! that causes MORE harm! to you and everyone else involved! OR get divorced - and be alone to find the healthier version of you first! I came back from vacation, he stated he had made his decision to flip that switch and we were embarking on a journey of sharing our futures together until I went to go put money down and sign the lease. because - remember - he has a problem with committing - and he's married. WHY would you go on vacation when your actions show you aren't invested in your M? go move on your own. live without ANY man in your life for a long while. reconnect to "center" all on your own before losing yourself again... with your "soulmate" I have been reading all the replies and I have to say you have been giving advice I would agree with. if you agree - then stop causing harm to others - start DOING the right thing. divorce, since you don't love your H - then find out what YOU looks like - without depending upon a man to be happy! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Okay first of all I think the Original post probably was slanted for 2 reasons. First of all because he knew his OW was going to read it and secondly since he is heavily involved in the affair it is likely that he his not being objective or fair in his telling of his marriage. He talks about how his wife doesn't love him, wasn't interested in the marriage etc etc...like these things just appeared out of the blue. Ummm...he's been married for years, are we really to believe that he did nothing whatsoever to contribute to the state of his marriage (if he's even being honest about that, so many MM rewrite the history of their marriage). All the problems are his wife's doing and he was just an innocent? Hmm...I'd say there is probably a lot more to this story. Wouldn't it be interesting if the BW could come here and give her perspective? To the OW if you don't love your husband than you should divorce him. It doesn't matter if your MM leaves his marriage, have enough respect for your husband to set him free. You say he has been a loving spouse so please let him go find someone who loves him. I think you have invented a big fantasy in your head though. You are renting an apartment with an extra room for his adult daughter? I seriously doubt that his daughter is going to have any interest in sleeping over at your place, she's more likely to empathize with her mother and feel nothing but hostility towards you. I wouldn't worry too much about making sure you have a room for her. alexandria, excellent post, as usual. I also, like 2Sunny, firmly believe that people aren't powerless. BOTH of these cheaters chose to cheat. Please don't pull the "I couldn't control myself". That is a slap in the face of ownership and responsibility. You can control yourself, you just chose NOT to. Your life wouldn't have ended if you didn't have sex with him or touch him. Your life didn't end when you and he broke up as teenagers. How sad that both your partners/spouses mean so little and are so disrespected by both of you that you both claim your marriages were never fulfilling enough because you both thought of each other for the last 25+ years. Sorry, that is just silly to me. People fall in love as teenagers - puppy love, first love, teenage love. Then most people grow up and realize it was puppy love, first love, teenage love. You two are not the same people (well, hopefully!) that you were 25+ years ago. OWN your choices - both of you. You both chose to cheat, you both chose to betray, you both chose to disrespect and you both chose to act cowardly. OWN IT. Stop blaming your spouses for not fulfilling your every need and desire. That is on you - no person should "complete" you - that is within you. I hope you BOTH are honest with your spouses and that they get the chance to make their OWN decisions on THEIR lives instead of letting you two decide for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Based on the patterns I've observed over the years, this isn't going to end well for Beyond. If the HS Sweethearts deal is going to work, THE MAN has to leave FIRST. When the woman leaves, she's almost always left as the permanent OW that left her marriage for his marriage's scraps. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Of course it isn't going to end well. Affairs never do. And if they keep being selfish and decide to go along with this deceptive, manipulating plan their relationship will fail anyway after they deal with both of their betrayed spouse's anger. And I'm disappointed that some folks on this thread are encouraging this destructive behavior. Here you have two cheaters with one who has already left her husband. I mean seriously, this situation is about to blow up my bs detector. Link to post Share on other sites
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) I am having an affair with my high school sweetheart. It was amazing and I was in love again. We met as often as we could and eventually we made love and it was fantastic. It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met. Midwestern-heart: You are dealing with a Lost Love relationship. The physical chemistry is so great because you have awakened sensory memories from your youth. I understand your struggle, but I know from experience that few will understand, or empathize, with the pull you have towards your first love. This is an entire phenomenon that has been well researched by Dr. Nancy Kalish, who has also created a forum for people whose lives have been disrupted by a "blast from the past." I am one of those people. I too was contacted by my first love. I hadn't heard from him in 30 years and was very happily married when he made contact. I went through a terrible time and nearly lost everything. I've come out of the other side of it now. I've read a lot of other lost love stories. Yours is actually quite typical. There are also statistics. Only 5% of people in lost love affairs leave their marriages. The rest struggle to put their lives back together, and believe me, it is a struggle. I haven't read through all of the replies to your post because there are just too many. I can tell you, from what I have observed, what typically happens with Lost Love affairs. Most of the time both parties are married. The one that is most unhappily married makes contact. Sometimes they know exactly what they are doing, and sometimes they believe they are just initiating an innocent "catch-up" conversation. Friendly emails turn flirty. An EA ensues, followed by an EMA. Then decision time comes. Divorce or not? Most of the time the answer is NOT. The person that was unhappily married tends to get divorced whether their lost love is there to take them in or not. They were in a bad marriage to begin with, and used the contact as an escape, at first. When they made contact they were hoping that their first love was, single, and if not, that perhaps they were also in a bad marriage. It gets messy when one is fairly content in their marriage and the other is ready to jump ship. I will say I was happily married when my first love contacted me, but my marriage wasn't perfect. Once I met my first love, wham! What a feeling. You actually get addicted to it because the experience causes your brain to release chemicals that are a lot like being high on drugs. Everyone talks about the mind-blowing passionate kissing, BTW. Withdrawal is painful, as you have experienced. My first love did get divorced. I believe he knew his marriage was about to end and was looking for an escape route. I am still married and trying to pick up the pieces. I know I was complicit in this, and do take responsibility for my actions, but that doesn't take away the pain. It's tough. I can't tell you what to do. Whichever way you turn there will be pain. My husband did nothing to deserve this and so I am wracked with guilt, among other things. However, I do believe my marriage will survive. It will never be the same, but it will survive. I sure could have lived without this though. I truly wish I ignored my first love when he contacted me, but that is water under the bridge. Just know this - this is not an ordinary affair. I am willing to bet you have never had an EMA before, and that you never would have, so try not to beat yourself up about it. Also, you did not go looking for it. There is a link to a very good article in another thread. I'll add it here: http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/301976/ It made me feel a little better about things. I hope things work out for you. Edited January 21, 2011 by aplomb This is no ordinary affair Link to post Share on other sites
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 This man and I were high school sweethearts, we lost our virginities together and had a rather adult emotional bond for being 18 and 17 years old. We started up conversations like there had been 30 days, not years in between. I truly felt we were soulmates re-united by fate and it was meant to be. He tasted how I remembered him tasting from 30 years ago and the chemistry between us ignited. It was an affair of the heart and it was physical, but it was like coming home for both of us. I have already responded to Western-Heart. Please read my response. Everything both of you have posted here points to a reconnection of First Loves. This is a phenomenon that has been studied extensively. I know because it happened to me. Neither of you would have ever done anything like this before and you wouldn't have if it weren't for the fact that you are lost loves. There's a lot to read about it here: http://www.lostlovers.com/ You might feel a little better when you read the stories of others. These people really understand what you are going through. There is little sympathy for it otherwise. If you think you want counseling to help you with it, try to pick a therapist that has some experience with lost loves. It make a difference. Good luck and let me know how you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Wow, this story sounds almost like a thread I posted awhile ago. I have got to read through this thread. I have read your replies aplomb about this, and I find the chemistry behind the Long Lost love very interesting. That might explain all the emotions I'm feeling for the man I used to love in my youth. This thread might help me put a perspective on things. I'm having an EA right now. OM has asked me to marry him. He is already divorced, I am in a long term relationship (never married though). And yes this is a first EA for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midwestern-heart Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 aplomb, Thank you so much for your thoughtful insight on my dilemma. I came here looking for exactly that kind of outside perspective on what I was struggling with. It was driving me crazy that I could not talk to anyone about this. I appreciate ALL the people you took the time to respond (even those who seemed to just want to call us: 'low down cheatin' cheaters who will always be cheaters'.) Your link and first hand account showed me that this is indeed a phenomenon that has affected many others. I really had no idea that there such is a common pattern. I did decide to put the brakes on things and try to gain some much needed perspective. I'm still confused and torn, but for now I'm working on understanding what's going on and not just letting events carry me along without enough self-reflection on my part. This is the hardest thing I have ever done (and you know exactly what it feels like.) Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
aplomb Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 You're welcome. I have to say you have to have pretty thick skin if you're going to solicit advice from the LS. I didn't realize it when I signed up that they specialize in "slap therapy" not that that doesn't have it's place. Candor is good sometimes. However, I know how alone you both feel with this. I thought I was the only person on the planet to be contacted by an old flame after so many years. When I found the lostlovers forum I was shocked to find out how many people are in this position. If you need more people to talk to, that's the place to do it. There are some really wonderful, intelligent, and kind people there. Link to post Share on other sites
mbm69 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Aplomb, the lostlovers forum is a pay forum though... I thought that was kind of lame. Although, I would love to swap stories with others in a similar predicament as mine. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I did decide to put the brakes on things and try to gain some much needed perspective. I'm still confused and torn, but for now I'm working on understanding what's going on and not just letting events carry me along without enough self-reflection on my part. This is the hardest thing I have ever done (and you know exactly what it feels like.) Thanks. since you put a stop to being distracted by this energy of your lost love... what are you now doing to make things different in your marriage? the divided energy will never make for a complete marriage that looks loving and kind. focus ALL that energy on your wife - treating her much the same as you would your other woman... re-ignite that flame of passion that has been missing... see if you can re-connect with your wife and make things better by the way YOU participate. tell her you need this for a healthy marriage. YOU need to take an active role in changing things within your M... i'll give you a clue... be HONEST with your wife. tell her exactly how you feel, start participating with loving and kind energy, showing affection openly and sharing totally of yourself so that she can receive what you offer her only. communication and honesty is key - how can your W know how to participate in a manner that will fulfill you if you don't tell her and show her what you are missing? Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 You guys most likely need a divorce. You can't cheat on her, disrespect her and then still want intimacy in return for what you've done. You need to be completely remorseful and put your needs on hold for a while and from your posts, like all WSs it doesn't seem you will be able to handle that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 And meanwhile, the "lost love" is sitting all alone in her new apartment, husbandless, and without Midwestern_Love? I hope being single was something she considered when making her choices. And to the OP, I too am interested in learning what you are doing about your marriage. Have you told your wife about your affair? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 While I am somewhat pleased to read that you are re-thinking things, let's be clear here, you did CHEAT! You 2 selfish people ALREADY have done a SEVERE amount of damage to BOTH families. You think just because you magically decided to "take time" that things will work out? Be ready for the reality that your wife may toss you to the curb should you decide to go back to her. We've only seen one side to this story and the cheater often LOVES to re-write the marriage history. I have little empathy for you, in fact none. You could have done the honorable thing and divorced your wife BEFORE you cheated. You didn't. Personally I hope she divorces your a$$ and cleans you out. Sorry to be so harsh, but I have read this thread and see nothing but justification for an affair here, no remorse, no sorrow over what you BOTH have done. You (and her) are both selfish people who only care about your own feelings, not those around you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 There have been many great responses to this thread (which, I agree, was not started by the OP with complete honesty, but with forethought of how his OW would reading the story of his marriage and subsequent affair), so I will not try to give any advice that was stated before. One person did say something, however, that I feel needs to be repeated. If not tattooed onto foreheads. IF YOU DO DECIDE TO SEPARATE, LIVE BY YOURSELF. Give your poor daughter a chance to build some sort of R with you, without having your new GF in her face at every minute. She WILL see OW as the reason her parent's marriage broke up, and she may even despise you for cheating on her mother. Don't shame your BS in front of her friends and family by flaunting a live-in R in her face, either. Don't put your family and friends into a situation of having to choose between your friendship or being forced to accept a woman that they may sincerely distrust and dislike. You are living a very selfish life right now. (I know you are, as I was an OW years ago myself - it is a supremely selfish decision.) Try just a teeny bit to let go of that selfishness, and live by yourself, take care of yourself, make your own decisions, and let the people in your life that you care about have some time to adjust to this huge lifestyle change. I do see that you have decided to step back a bit. i am not sure what that entails, though; have you gone NC? LC? Still carrying on contact as before but with the understanding that you will not make a decision for another 3 months? Link to post Share on other sites
kis Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 First post here. I am in need of some guidance from you fine folks on LS. This is my story: I am having an affair with my high school sweetheart. We reconnected on FaceBook after 30 years and two separate lifetimes had gone by. We are both in loveless marriages of over 20 years. We were very much in love 30 years ago and both of us wondered why we did not stay together since we both shared a memory of true love. When I received the friend request from her I was blown away and just stared at the little picture of my then girlfriend (now pushing 50) for about an hour before I dared accept the request. I had carried her with me all those years and never forgot her. She was "the one" that got away and it was a thrill to see her photos and to read her brief message wondering what my life was like after all these years. My life was pleasant, I had been married for 25 years to my wife and we have a 17 year old daughter who we both love dearly. Our relationship was fine (I thought) for the first 17 years but not exciting and lacked passion which I attributed to the normal monotony that happens with time. She had been somewhat depressed when she confessed one day that she did not have any feelings for me anymore and she didn't think that she ever could. I was devastated. I thought she was going to ask for a divorce but she did not. I tried to fix things, insisted that we try counseling which we did. She went to counseling, but never moved an inch from her assessment that there was nothing there between us. I confessed to being inattentive and non communicative and vowed to work on things. She never budged and I was sure the next step was divorce. She also upped the anti when she said that she probably never really loved and that she just talked herself into thinking she loved me. After 6 months or more of being estranged, she told me one day that she had made a decision. She declared that our daughter deserved a intact family so she would stay. Not a word about me or her feelings toward me. I was at first relieved and happy that the marriage was not over but we lived like roommates. eventually we resumed a mechanical sex life which usually amounted to her performing oral sex and then not wanting anything in return. She never warmed up to my attempts to get close again and she can not kiss me beyond a peck (my attempts were greeted with a cheek.) It was as if she was repelled by me and did only what was necessary to remain married. As bad as that sounds, we got along fine and we never argued much and it was not a bad life after that. I eventually just resigned myself to the situation and momentum carried me forward. About two years ago I started to think about other women and what it would be like to be with someone who was actually attracted to me. I thought that maybe if something presented itself I would not dismiss it out of hand. I did not pursue it. Well, when I got the FB friend request I immediately thought that I wanted her back. We exchanged long catching-up emails which continued for quite a while until we were chatting via email every day. We both wondered why we broke up (neither of us knew exactly why) and fantasized about what our lives would be like if we hadn't. Our online relationship blossomed and we both exchanged written fantasies of us reuniting. I finally suggested that we meet in person. She agreed and we decided to meet at a park. We talked for about an hour and then we kissed for what seemed like an hour (probably just a few minutes in reality.) It was amazing and I was in love again. We met as often as we could and eventually we made love and it was fantastic. It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met. She made it clear (very early on) that she wanted a relationship not just a fling. I did too, very much, but I had a lot more trouble committing to end my marriage and be together. I could envision the relationship part just fine (I had few doubts about "us" working) but thinking about unwinding a marriage and risking destroying my relationship with my daughter just made me profoundly sad. I told her how hard that was for me and she thought maybe it was because I still loved my wife. I kept emphasizing that it was more the guilt of causing pain and (since my wife had no job) causing financial calamity. My finances were nothing great and I could not keep them in the lifestyle they were used to if I left. The condo would almost certainly have to be sold. This would uproot my wife and daughter (now starting college) and cause real financial problems for them. I would have to turn over 90% of my income to them just to keep them afloat. I would not be able to contribute much to my new situation and would be completely beholden to my new partner. Also this would be a total change of almost everything I have known. I'm not one who takes to change easily and this was big, big change. I had a million reasons why I couldn't do it right now. The guilt, the daughter starting college, the financial issues, these were real issues and I didn't think I was unreasonable to be really concerned about them. The affair had been going on for over 6 months and she went on a vacation for a week and I agreed to make up my mind while she was gone. For the first time, I had flipped that mental switch and convinced myself that I could do it. It would be bad but it had to be done. It was that, or risk loosing her. She wanted to get our relationship started and soon. I could tell she was loosing patience. When she returned, I said I was committed and we could start making plans. We went apartment shopping and it was fun picturing our new life together. I got an email about a week later that she wanted to put a deposit on an apartment and she wanted me to promise that I was 100% with her. There was to be no turning back after that point. I read that and I freaked out. My mind was racing and I felt panic. I just wanted to run away. I started thinking, how can I push this farther off. I admitted how I felt when I got that email and told her to wait. I'm obviously still conflicted over this decision. That was several days ago and I have been desperately trying to analyze what's really going on in my head. I looked for some advice online and found this forum. After reading quite a few posts I see that MM having affairs seem to find a lot of reasons (excuses) to put off leaving there wives. Most of the examples of that though are MM having affairs with single (younger) women. This case is different and I don't think I'm stringing her on for sex (most of our relationship is via email.) Maybe I'm fooling myself, not being honest with myself. I am probably guilty of telling her (the OW) what she wants to hear. I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do? It is pretty easy to see you dont really want to leave. Your ow was giving you everything you were missing in your marriage and you still got to have both. Now that is not working for Ow anymore. By the way it sounds like you dont have a real marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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