Why do women play hard to get?

[meerkat stew]

He is incredibly wise.

 

Does that wisdom come from his being celibate during the prime sexual formative years between ages 18-27, or from his divorce? It sure doesn't come from any formal training, scholarly publications or peer-reviewed research, because he has -zip- in all three of those departments.

[MrNate]

I think people need to define what they mean by 'playing hard to get'. To me, it doesn't always mean that the woman is running away and the guy chasing after her - figuratively or literally. Yes, sometimes a guy can be extremely interested in a woman and she's not in the least bit interested in him. But his persistence, in a respectful manner, can actually end up changing her mind about him.

 

It doesn't sound worth the wait to me. Not my cup of tea. I rather spend my time with someone who reciprocates right away. I don't believe a male should chase anything. Initiate, sure, why not. Chase, nope.

 

 

But there can also be the instance where two people just happen to meet, go out and end up liking one another. Even in that case, the woman is better off not getting involved too quickly with a guy. First impressions are first impressions - and she needs to get to know him and make sure he's right for her. Women are wired differently where we tend to become connected with someone we sleep with - it's a scientific fact. So by our own natures, we should be protective of ourselves and protective of who we allow into our lives. Now, based on the number of broken hearts on this site alone, I think we all know that women aren't always as cautious as we should be. But that really is more what it's about - being cautious about who we're with. Not to mention the number of men who will judge a woman for being 'too easy'. That's still alive and well today.

Maybe no one should get involved too quickly with anyone, guy or girl.

[MrNate]

Best POV on the matter.

 

I don't even fully know what "chasing" means in the dating world.

 

Chasing anything just sounds like a waste of time, and seems quite desperate. Male or female.

[TouchedByViolet]

I don't play that game. If a girl wants me she will have to meet me half way.

[MrNate]

I don't play that game. If a girl wants me she will have to meet me half way.

 

I agree with this. I don't think a man needs to start every single conversation, send every single text first, etc. I think it's perfectly acceptable and courteous for a woman to initiate a convo. It shows she thinks about you at the very least, and not giving off vibes that she isn't just responding just to be nice/ trying to ignore you.

 

Simple courtesy.

[Cracker Jack]

Cracker Jack - you ask a good question.

 

I think 'chasing' is subjective. It might mean something different to one person than the other.

 

I don't think of it like one is 'chasing' while the other is running and saying 'you'll never catch me!'.

 

I think of it like the guy is pursuing and the woman is being cautious. Not being needy and clingy. Not sleeping with him right away. Having her own life and not waiting on the guy to call.

 

I like to mirror his actions. If he calls I'll call back. If he texted me first yesterday to say good morning, then I'll text him today to say good morning. Early on, I personally don't like to put myself in the position where I'm being too available. And by that I don't mean shooting his phone call to VM or ignoring a text. I just mean I'm not throwing myself at him. And I do that to protect myself, not to tease or frustrate a man.

 

I'm a pretty independent woman and I'm too fearful of scaring a man away by making him think I'm going to attach myself and not let go. So I seem to be more cautious of not doing that. Even if I really like a guy I try to play it cool in the beginning.

 

But for me, this does not mean running away completely and making him think I'm totally uninterested. I will give back the attention, the flirting, etc. so he knows I'm interested but yet I'm not clinging to him either.

 

For me it's survival. If I really like a guy I'm too afraid that if I get myself attached too soon then I will get hurt. Like maybe he didn't really like me he was just wanting to have sex with me, and I did that too quickly and now I really like him but he's moved on because I was too easy. Or that's all he really wanted in the first place.

 

Call it what you will. I call it being cautious and not losing my dignity.

 

I'm sure someone else will describe 'the chase' differently.

 

Thanks for the explanation. The above actually sounds reasonable. The whole "I won't text him back for two days after he texts me", or "If he calls me twice, it shows he's not too interested" are the tidbits that annoy me when reading about chasing in other places. What you described is normal, tho.

 

MrNate: Agreed.

[alphamale]

Why do women play hard to get?

?

because they can

[jamesum]

I simply wait for her to seek my attention first. That way I dont need to figure out if shes playing a game or not since I dont play a game myself.

 

However, such approach can be tough if you are not attractive enough because most women would rather die alone than making a move on the men they like.

 

because they can

Because they dont have a raging penis.

[skydiveaddict]

Is there and end game to it all?

 

 

Yes and it never works out in you favor

[gypsy_nicky]

John Gray's Ph.d is quack.

 

As for the guys here not liking the game, there's always brothels. Most women and men engage in this behavior.

 

'Hard to get' happens because the woman is actually trying to get to know you on a more intimate level without compromising her dignity and social standing. Why put out for an attractive stranger?! They could be crazy, infected with std's, or get her pregnant. Theres also social stigma-easy to get =low social value. She also does it to gauge interest; her/you and suss out compatibility issues.

 

When I was young I was fed with the 'women are the more romantic sex' thingie. Now I tend to think its the other way around because women are very picky when getting into relationships, and guys tend to jump the gun too quick. When I look around, most women have a constant supply of available men (yes even the fat chicks).

[AD1980]

John Gray's Ph.d is quack.

 

As for the guys here not liking the game, there's always brothels. Most women and men engage in this behavior.

 

'Hard to get' happens because the woman is actually trying to get to know you on a more intimate level without compromising her dignity and social standing. Why put out for an attractive stranger?! They could be crazy, infected with std's, or get her pregnant. Theres also social stigma-easy to get =low social value. She also does it to gauge interest; her/you and suss out compatibility issues.

 

When I was young I was fed with the 'women are the more romantic sex' thingie. Now I tend to think its the other way around because women are very picky when getting into relationships, and guys tend to jump the gun too quick. When I look around, most women have a constant supply of available men (yes even the fat chicks).

 

Once again a women showing mututal interest early on how does that automtically equal that she has to sleep with the guy right away?

 

Theres a middle ground between playing hard to get and sleeping with somebody on the first few dates..

 

And you talk about all the womens fears and embarassments as if the Man doesnt exist or is a robot..Men have fears and worries about rejection getitng scorned by a bad women and looking too desperate as well..

 

This whole chasing thing makes it seem like all Men shouldnt be trusted until they prove they can be an a women should automatically be put on a pedestal and cherished just for being a women before a guy even knows her..

 

You know there are good Men and bad women out there as well which is why this blind trust in a women thing and dont trust the Man till he proves it is garbage..

 

Neither party should be chased after till they prove they are worthy morally..

Edited September 1, 2010 by AD1980

[Mad Max]

For women that play hard to get, they seem to think they have a false sense of control. I've seen women play hard to get with me and I moved on without looking back. If she's playing games then, she'll play games in a relationship.

 

 

This hardwired thing is BS. Women ask men out, women propose, men stay at home. All 3 happen and none of them are hardwired.

[Sphere]

That's some of the worst advice I've ever seen.

 

 

That has nothing to do with hard to get.

 

"Hard to get" means playing games. It means frequently not returning calls and pretending to be busy on every day you say you are available. It is cancelling plans at the last minute.

 

What you describe as playing hard to get isn't playing hard to get and if that has happened to you then I can see why you are bitter and uptight about dating, but what you describe is not playing hard to get at all. It's pure moronism in every sense of the word I've just made up.

 

When I am interested in a woman, I want her to exercise the art of self control. I enjoy getting to know a woman, but I don't want the entire life story on the first date. I want a woman who holds back etc, just like I don't expect a woman to take her clothes off for me on the first date. I enjoy a challenge, I like the mystery for some reason a woman who seems hard to attract appeals to me more, I've always enjoyed a challenge though.

 

I also like a woman who is not needy, clingy and possessive. When a girl is with me I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me, because she it is what she wants, I don't want her to feel the need to be with me and I don't want to feel needed by a woman. I want a strong, independent woman with female qualities about her, who is capable of being strong and independent without expecting me and her to be superglued together.

[jamesum]

John Gray's Ph.d is quack.

 

As for the guys here not liking the game, there's always brothels. Most women and men engage in this behavior.

 

'Hard to get' happens because the woman is actually trying to get to know you on a more intimate level without compromising her dignity and social standing. Why put out for an attractive stranger?! They could be crazy, infected with std's, or get her pregnant. Theres also social stigma-easy to get =low social value. She also does it to gauge interest; her/you and suss out compatibility issues.

 

When I was young I was fed with the 'women are the more romantic sex' thingie. Now I tend to think its the other way around because women are very picky when getting into relationships, and guys tend to jump the gun too quick. When I look around, most women have a constant supply of available men (yes even the fat chicks).

By 'playing hard to get', are we talking about sex or what?

[curlygirl40]

What you describe as playing hard to get isn't playing hard to get and if that has happened to you then I can see why you are bitter and uptight about dating, but what you describe is not playing hard to get at all. It's pure moronism in every sense of the word I've just made up.

 

When I am interested in a woman, I want her to exercise the art of self control. I enjoy getting to know a woman, but I don't want the entire life story on the first date. I want a woman who holds back etc, just like I don't expect a woman to take her clothes off for me on the first date. I enjoy a challenge, I like the mystery for some reason a woman who seems hard to attract appeals to me more, I've always enjoyed a challenge though.

 

I also like a woman who is not needy, clingy and possessive. When a girl is with me I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me, because she it is what she wants, I don't want her to feel the need to be with me and I don't want to feel needed by a woman. I want a strong, independent woman with female qualities about her, who is capable of being strong and independent without expecting me and her to be superglued together.

 

See this is the reason why sometimes women feel the need to hold back. Because there are so many men (IME/IMO) who feel this way. If we chase/attach ourselves immediately they are like 'whoa!!', and back off. So even if we really like someone we sometimes will try to play it cool (exercise the art of self control ) just so we don't scare him off.

 

My best friend is a guy. I was interested in this guy once and my male friend said to me 'Divorced guys are more cautious, you need to take it slow. If you are like a kid on Christmas morning running towards 'the prize', he's going to run for the hills'.

 

I think some of the posts on this thread refer to 'playing hard to get' as doing things intentionally and maliciously to mess with a man's mind.

 

Whereas some women just know (from experience) that if you throw yourself at a man he might be scared of the attention or think we're clingy, so we hold back as to not freak him out! lol

 

To me that's what I mean by 'playing hard to get' or 'let him chase'.

 

I have a girlfriend who is owns her own business and is extremely successful. She tries to use the same approach in dating (If I see something I want I'm going after it!) and I have seen her scare more men away. She is confident, independent, successful, owns her own home and business. She's beautiful inside and out. She's a runner, very fit. But she scares the crap out of men. She sees one that she wants and she puts everything she has into trying to make him hers! They run for the hills every time! She can't figure it out and thinks they are scared of her success. Nope! She attaches herself to them too soon (asking one guy to move in with her after the first week, he broke it off 2 days later) because she thinks 'oh, I like him, he's the one!'.

 

Many women are smarter than my friend. They know if they meet someone they really like they need to just plant the seed and let it grow. Slowly.

 

Oh well I've rambled on long enough. Have a great day everyone!

[gypsy_nicky]

Once again a women showing mututal interest early on how does that automtically equal that she has to sleep with the guy right away?

 

Theres a middle ground between playing hard to get and sleeping with somebody on the first few dates..

 

And you talk about all the womens fears and embarassments as if the Man doesnt exist or is a robot..Men have fears and worries about rejection getitng scorned by a bad women and looking too desperate as well..

 

This whole chasing thing makes it seem like all Men shouldnt be trusted until they prove they can be an a women should automatically be put on a pedestal and cherished just for being a women before a guy even knows her..

 

You know there are good Men and bad women out there as well which is why this blind trust in a women thing and dont trust the Man till he proves it is garbage..

 

Neither party should be chased after till they prove they are worthy morally..

 

No one said anything about sleeping around. Your assuming this happens. If most men women meet are like this, then playing the game is only right.

 

the woman is in a more passive position. Men will and still do the approaching. Women give out hints on how fast they want the relationship to progress. Its up to the man to figure this out.

 

There's nothing about the 'game' where you put the woman on a pedestal. Once again the woman is in a passively active role. Its up to the guy to discern the hints.

 

 

You have a very warped sense on how women operate. Game playing is not putting 'blind trust' in the woman or a man proving himself. Reread my post.

 

The chase happens while your trying to prove to one another your 'moral' (as you say). Both parties are figuring each other out.

[gypsy_nicky]

By 'playing hard to get', are we talking about sex or what?

 

no. It means the woman is interested but doesn't jump the gun straight away to a relationship.

[gypsy_nicky]

When I am interested in a woman, I want her to exercise the art of self control. I enjoy getting to know a woman, but I don't want the entire life story on the first date. I want a woman who holds back etc, just like I don't expect a woman to take her clothes off for me on the first date. I enjoy a challenge, I like the mystery for some reason a woman who seems hard to attract appeals to me more, I've always enjoyed a challenge though.

 

I also like a woman who is not needy, clingy and possessive. When a girl is with me I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me, because she it is what she wants, I don't want her to feel the need to be with me and I don't want to feel needed by a woman. I want a strong, independent woman with female qualities about her, who is capable of being strong and independent without expecting me and her to be superglued together.

 

this is what happens to a woman who jumps the gun straight away. Her social value lowers.

[phineas]

no. It means the woman is interested but doesn't jump the gun straight away to a relationship.

 

Except, for most men no sex = no relationship.

[phineas]

Most jerk men want quick sex. Most good men are willing to wait a bit.

 

If I am the ONLY guy she is seeking attention from then ok. I don't mind waiting but there has to be progress to show me she is legit & not just leading me on.

[Sphere]

Most jerk men want quick sex. Most good men are willing to wait a bit.

 

You have been offered advice and you refuse to take it, is there any point of being bitter? Unless, you adapt you'll still be in the same position in ten years time.

 

You refuse to embrace your sexuality which is ingrained in you because you have been socially conditioned in thinking it is wrong to want to ravish a woman. You cannot be with a woman if you do not stimulate her and that means both intellectually and sexually. You're wooden, Gamma. You refuse to embrace your sexuality and as a result you are seen by women as a sexless person. Sexless people struggle in the dating game, because they think that being nice is the way to go, so out comes the Cassonova's guide to getting a woman and guess what? It doesn't work in modern times. Women and men are different in every sense of the word, but when it comes to the dating world, we all want the same things as each other. This is what you need to understand.

[EasyHeart]

See this is the reason why sometimes women feel the need to hold back. Because there are so many men (IME/IMO) who feel this way. If we chase/attach ourselves immediately they are like 'whoa!!', and back off. So even if we really like someone we sometimes will try to play it cool (exercise the art of self control ) just so we don't scare him off.

 

My best friend is a guy. I was interested in this guy once and my male friend said to me 'Divorced guys are more cautious, you need to take it slow. If you are like a kid on Christmas morning running towards 'the prize', he's going to run for the hills'.

 

I think some of the posts on this thread refer to 'playing hard to get' as doing things intentionally and maliciously to mess with a man's mind.

 

Whereas some women just know (from experience) that if you throw yourself at a man he might be scared of the attention or think we're clingy, so we hold back as to not freak him out! lol

 

To me that's what I mean by 'playing hard to get' or 'let him chase'.

 

I have a girlfriend who is owns her own business and is extremely successful. She tries to use the same approach in dating (If I see something I want I'm going after it!) and I have seen her scare more men away. She is confident, independent, successful, owns her own home and business. She's beautiful inside and out. She's a runner, very fit. But she scares the crap out of men. She sees one that she wants and she puts everything she has into trying to make him hers! They run for the hills every time! She can't figure it out and thinks they are scared of her success. Nope! She attaches herself to them too soon (asking one guy to move in with her after the first week, he broke it off 2 days later) because she thinks 'oh, I like him, he's the one!'.

 

Many women are smarter than my friend. They know if they meet someone they really like they need to just plant the seed and let it grow. Slowly.

 

Oh well I've rambled on long enough. Have a great day everyone!

I think this sums up the womens' perspective quite nicely. I have met many, many women like curly's friend and it is a huge turnoff to me. I am a man and I like to be the pursuer. A woman who throws herself at me is telling me (1) she does not consider herself worthy of being pursued or (2) she thinks she is a man, so I will have no role in any relationship we have.

 

From my perspective, there are several reasons that a woman may be playing hard to get. The trick is figuring out which one she is:

 

1. She may honestly be hard to get -- a high quality woman with high self-esteem -- who filters out the players and liars by making them prove their worthiness.

2. She may just be really busy, so it comes across as 'playing hard to get'.

3. She may be a tease -- someone who likes attention from you, but doesn't necessarily like you.

4. She may be passive aggressive and think that by stringing you along and not rejecting you directly, she is being "nice". If you continue pursuing, she will eventually become angry and accuse you of being a psycho because you 'can't take a hint'.

5. She may be a normal woman who really likes you, but is smart enough to know that men pursue and women receive.

[PJKino]

I think both genders should put in equal work..It is putting somebody on a pedestal if one person is doing all the "chasing" and the other one is doing nothing

 

It seems like the people of both genders who seem to be adamant about this on here are people who think gender roles are a must and think Men and women have specific roles in a relationship and feel that would upset the dynamic if the Men doesnt "chase"

[Mad Max]

I think the best way to sum it up is good men don't play hard to get. It only works on immature people.

[dispatch3d]

meh from now on once a girl disrepects me that's it. She either makes it up to me or we're done. This includes cancelling dates at the last minute, saying she's busy when I invite her to things (I don't give a **** what the reason is lol), etc.

 

If you're busy make time or don't expect to get invited in the first place.