rocket182 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 This requires some background. When my boyfriend is happy, he can be the sweetest guy in the world. The catch is, he gets mad really easily. For example, if we're at a movie and somebody sits in the same row near him (even with a few seats in between) he gets pissed and starts swearing. I always tell him it's a stupid thing to get mad about and he shouldn't let it bother him, but he does. One time I had a headache while we were out and he wanted to buy me a bottle of asprin and I said not to because we had some at home and I'd be fine. He got mad, flipped a U-turn and went back home instead of going out like we had planned. Small things like that set him off all the time. We had a big fight earlier this week and I ended up sitting in the bathroom crying because he started mimicking me when I was asking why he was angry. He doesn't mean to be mean, but when he's mad he is. I find myself constantly worried I'm going to make him mad. I'm up at my sisters for the weekend to watch my nephew and help my sister start organizing my moms stuff so we can figure out what to keep and what to get rid of. This morning I texted him and said "will you let me buy a couch from ikea?" (we had talked the other day about furniture and he said if I bought anything from ikea he didn't want to have to use it because ihe doesn't like their furniture). I get a text back that says "I don't even a a good morning or a how did you sleep? Or a sorry for not texting me because you have bad service at your sisters? It's just all about ikea?" This really made me mad because first of all I don't think I should have to explain myself every single time I'm here and don't text back when he knows I get bad service here. Second of all, I'm just really getting sick of his temper. It ended up he was joking (that was something that he would get mad about though, so it made sense I would think it was a joke). I had talked to my sister about it and she gave me some suggestions and I told him we had to talk. He called me on his break and he said he was trying and he was sorry it wasn't working very well. He was really worried I was going to break up with him. I feel bad because I made him feel bad, but I felt like it was something I had to bring up and tell him he needed to change. I was justified to tell him that he needs to work on this, right? I wasn't just being oversensitive or anything?
MisUnderstanding Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 What your boyfriends is doing is called verbal abuse. No matter how angry he gets, it should not leave you crying. I hope he never hits you and you know what to do when he does.
sugarmomma Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Sounds like he has some pretty bad anger issues and if you don't call him out on it, he will take it out on you. You mention that you walk around trying not to "make" him angry. You can't make him anything. He is responsible for his anger and controlling it. Personally I would never stay with someone who I needed to walk on eggshells to be around. Angry people suck and are the most immature to be around.
curlygirl40 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm divorcing a guy just like that. After 18 years of verbal abuse. I'm not saying that it would have made a difference, but I find myself wondering if I could have avoided the divorce if I had stood up to him all of those years ago. I'm no pushover. But when things were going well I didn't want to rock the boat by bringing it up. And when things were going badly I didn't want to make him more mad. We had our good times. But I spent most of my marriage walking on eggshells, or not knowing what kind of evening I was going to have until he walked through the door. He blamed me for everything and would not take responsibility for his anger. I finally had enough. Funny enough now that we're divorcing when he gets like that with me I give it right back to him and he backs down almost immediately. He's a big bully. He's controlling you with his anger. He's mad that you were at your sisters so he feels justified in whatever he says to you. Eventually going to your sisters will be so much trouble at home, you won't bother going so much. Then he'll be happy because he got his way. Just saying, it's a pattern. Good luck to you. IMO he needs help. From someone who's been there, he won't change on his own if at all. Don't marry him.
alexlakeman Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Is he really your bf or do you feel you are baby sitting? Dump his azz... sounds imature... why would you put up with crap like that....????
D-Lish Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm divorcing a guy just like that. After 18 years of verbal abuse. I'm not saying that it would have made a difference, but I find myself wondering if I could have avoided the divorce if I had stood up to him all of those years ago. I'm no pushover. But when things were going well I didn't want to rock the boat by bringing it up. And when things were going badly I didn't want to make him more mad. We had our good times. But I spent most of my marriage walking on eggshells, or not knowing what kind of evening I was going to have until he walked through the door. He blamed me for everything and would not take responsibility for his anger. I finally had enough. Funny enough now that we're divorcing when he gets like that with me I give it right back to him and he backs down almost immediately. He's a big bully. He's controlling you with his anger. He's mad that you were at your sisters so he feels justified in whatever he says to you. Eventually going to your sisters will be so much trouble at home, you won't bother going so much. Then he'll be happy because he got his way. Just saying, it's a pattern. Good luck to you. IMO he needs help. From someone who's been there, he won't change on his own if at all. Don't marry him. Really great post curly- couldn't have said it better myself, you're spot on.
hydorclops Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Even if he's not consciously and purposefully trying to control you (he might be), when you try to not make him mad, he is controlling you. Sounds bad.
finder Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Ugh my first boyfriend ever (who I, idiotically stayed with for 3 years) was like that. Verbally abusive (among other things). A realtionship where you have to constantly worry what's going to make your SO mad is clearly not healthy. It doesn't sound like you're prepared to leave him at this point, but he does obviously have a pretty bad anger problem. I think you need to tell him that you can't live like that anymore and that he'd better deal with it or you'll be out. It's not fair to you, no matter how sweet he is when he's not mad or how bad he feels afterward. If he feels that bad, he'll do everything he can to make it better. If he doesn't do that, then you need to leave. Or leave right now. That's an option too.
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