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If you're married and one of your work friends becomes romantically interested

alex1960

By alex1960
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alex1960 Established Member

alex1960

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What would you do if you're married and find out that one of your colleagues is interested in you?

 

Would you distance yourself from that person or would you have a discussion with them?

zengirl Established Member

zengirl

Posted
Posted
What would you do if you're married and find out that one of your colleagues is interested in you?

 

Would you distance yourself from that person or would you have a discussion with them?

 

Interested in me as in attracted but never going to do anything or say anything about it because he understands and respects I am married? Nothing. I'd let it die out.

 

Interested as in approaching me? I'd distance myself. Anyone who doesn't respect marriage and approaches married people is someone I'd distance myself from regardless.

 

Having a discussion about it helps no one.

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alex1960 Established Member

alex1960

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Interested in me as in attracted but never going to do anything or say anything about it because he understands and respects I am married? Nothing. I'd let it die out.

 

Interesting. He may "understand" but ultimately if the two of you spend a lot of time together, this could become dangerous, no?

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
What would you do if you're married and find out that one of your colleagues is interested in you?

 

Would you distance yourself from that person or would you have a discussion with them?

1. I'd tell my spouse.

 

2. If they were a work colleague that I had to have contact with, I'd talk with them, explaining the priority of my M and my desire to keep all contact professional. If not working directly with, distance myself.

witabix Established Member

witabix

Posted
Posted

It would depend on how the interest was expressed. If its secondhand, ie heard it from someone else. Nothing.

 

If it was a direct approach, asking for a date or such, I would politely tell them that I am not interested and there is no chance.

 

How was it expressed to you OP?

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
1. I'd tell my spouse.

 

2. If they were a work colleague that I had to have contact with, I'd talk with them, explaining the priority of my M and my desire to keep all contact professional. If not working directly with, distance myself.

 

This is what I would do as well...

 

Maybe in a different order but still would do both of them.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

I was responding in the order the OP's questions were asked. My first stop when discovering such a dynamic would be my spouse, so we could approach it as a team. I would want the spouse's input on how to handle it and put that into the mix. They might have ideas or perspectives I hadn't thought of.

 

Since he's already had a friend 'follow' his wife, suffice to say we've moved a bit beyond that point :)

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alex1960 Established Member

alex1960

Posted
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It would depend on how the interest was expressed. If its secondhand, ie heard it from someone else. Nothing.

 

If it was a direct approach, asking for a date or such, I would politely tell them that I am not interested and there is no chance.

 

How was it expressed to you OP?

 

It's about my wife actually.

 

She recently had dinner with a colleague. I sent a PI and nothing happened other than drinking until late.

 

I've also been monitoring her email and her colleague asked her out for dinner again.

 

Their conversations are always friendly but I'm afraid of what could happen if this continues.

witabix Established Member

witabix

Posted
Posted
It's about my wife actually.

 

She recently had dinner with a colleague. I sent a PI and nothing happened other than drinking until late.

 

I've also been monitoring her email and her colleague asked her out for dinner again.

 

Their conversations are always friendly but I'm afraid of what could happen if this continues.

 

Holeee shoot, you caught me out there alex. There must be another thread I missed, carhill's post totally confused me too.

 

Should I be reading another thread first?

 

Anyway, this was a work colleague and the date was not work related? My assumptions.

 

You do not trust her I assume from the above post, or him, or both of them?

 

Yes, I would be concerned too. Did she tell you about it beforehand? Were you invited? Do you actually know this guy?

 

Have you asked her about it, or are you not supposed to know?

 

Just need bringing up to speed......not enough info to say anything really.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
It's about my wife actually.

 

She recently had dinner with a colleague. I sent a PI and nothing happened other than drinking until late.

 

I've also been monitoring her email and her colleague asked her out for dinner again.

 

Their conversations are always friendly but I'm afraid of what could happen if this continues.

 

her actions are inappropriate for a married gal who is committed to the marriage.

 

tell her that. IF she is unwilling to change the situation - she holds hid "friendship" above your M.

 

discuss it with her - find out where her priority is...

Crazy Magnet Established Member

Crazy Magnet

Posted
Posted

In your situation I would first approach your wife. She has the power to decide not to carry on with this man any longer, especially if it is making you uncomfortable. Once you know how she feels about the situation then you will have a better idea of how to proceed.

witabix Established Member

witabix

Posted
Posted

Thanks carhill.

 

Reading through it doesn't seem like much happened. I think LucreziaBorgia said, 'sounds like the early stages' of something. Thats about where I would put it.

 

A flag has been raised in your head alex1960, I would like to ask you if this is the only thing you are concerned about. The expenses, the dinner, and such, or has there been other recent incidents or anything else that has pinged your radar?

zengirl Established Member

zengirl

Posted
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Interesting. He may "understand" but ultimately if the two of you spend a lot of time together, this could become dangerous, no?

 

If I knew a man was romantically interested in me, I would spend a lot of time with him alone and socially -- work lunches would likely still be okay in some situations -- but it depends what you mean. Attraction happens. A fellow can be attracted to a woman, find out she's married, have a little crush, be bummed, and move on. This is what I'd expect to happen (at most) with healthy men (or women) who respect marriage. That's what I mean, I'd do nothing. No need to feed it, make him feel bad, or make either of us uncomfortable since we work together.

 

In your situation I would first approach your wife. She has the power to decide not to carry on with this man any longer, especially if it is making you uncomfortable. Once you know how she feels about the situation then you will have a better idea of how to proceed.

 

This.

 

In your situation, you have reasons to be worried (not just the time together, but the expense, the going out of town; these seem reasonable to me; if you were upset she was having a sandwich at him at a lunch or going to natural work-extension events after work now and again, I'd say, "Well, why worry?" but she's done some things that I think anyone deserves a conversation about) or feel emotional distress. Even if it's all innocent and there is no attraction, your wife should get your feelings if you approach her in a "This is how I feel" way and she's a loving wife. (This should have been done before "monitoring" her email BTW. That's a lame move.) You need more open communication with your wife.

FL Lady Established Member

FL Lady

Posted
Posted
It's about my wife actually.

 

She recently had dinner with a colleague. I sent a PI and nothing happened other than drinking until late.

 

I've also been monitoring her email and her colleague asked her out for dinner again.

 

Their conversations are always friendly but I'm afraid of what could happen if this continues.

------------------------------------

Hey Alex1960--

 

Serious question: what if your wife does have a crush on this guy? How will you really feel about that? Relieved? Sad? Angry? Or... Free?

 

Tough questions to consider; thought provoking nonetheless.

 

Are you really that happy with her? Yes or No?

 

I used to think I was with my Ex

 

Just asking.

FL Lady Established Member

FL Lady

Posted
Posted
What would you do if you're married and find out that one of your colleagues is interested in you?

 

Would you distance yourself from that person or would you have a discussion with them?

 

Hey Alex 1960,

 

At our age, I'm 40, we know better. We should have the ability to detect "players". Both genders are expert at being "players". I was burned by one, super nice guy I am still friends with. Another, ugh! I'm still mad I flew into his web. I'm smarter for it.

 

So, crushes/sexual attractions happen pretty routinely. We are human & we can discern how to manage them. Unless we don't want to. Flirting is fun is you keep it platonic.

 

Bottomline here: is your wife player, being played, falling in love with another man, or just enjoying a fun crush?

 

My guess is the last one. If it's the third - back to my last post. Get ready for game change.

 

My gut tells me something else, not mentioned in any post, but you'll have to private message me.

FL Lady Established Member

FL Lady

Posted
Posted

Ok, change my mind. No need to PM me. I think the possibility of a separation is something you are considering. Maybe it is something you are pondering or desire? These events provide the impetus.

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alex1960 Established Member

alex1960

Posted
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Posted
------------------------------------

Hey Alex1960--

 

Serious question: what if your wife does have a crush on this guy? How will you really feel about that? Relieved? Sad? Angry? Or... Free?

 

Tough questions to consider; thought provoking nonetheless.

 

Are you really that happy with her? Yes or No?

 

I used to think I was with my Ex

 

Just asking.

 

Hey,

 

These are good questions. I'm realistic enough to understand that we all have a crush here and there. As a man, I have a crush every time I see a mini skirt.

 

My wife has been complaining about being too busy at work and wanting to spend more time with our daughter. But then she flies away from home to attend a restaurant opening with her friend. It just seems illogical to me.

 

I can't confront my wife again as I have nothing new to say. I'm just trying to find a logical explanation to a situation that seems totally illogical.

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alex1960 Established Member

alex1960

Posted
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Posted
Ok, change my mind. No need to PM me. I think the possibility of a separation is something you are considering. Maybe it is something you are pondering or desire? These events provide the impetus.

 

I meant to send you a message but for some reason the system won't let me. I must be under probation or something like that.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted (edited)

Twelve more days and 32 more posts....if it hasn't changed since I joined.

 

I'd push back from the analysis and take time to ponder next steps. How you will proceed to get what you want.

 

What is that, BTW? Speaking of your M....

Edited by carhill
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