tigressA Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Well, I didn't think it would come to this point at all. C called me a little while ago, and we talked. Just for clarity, I didn't contact him at all after the last e-mail I sent him a few weeks back. I asked him point-blank what the point of him calling me was, and it took a little time for him to get around to it (just like me...) but eventually he said that he wants to try things again. He said he's really sorry for the way he acted before, and sorry that we never truly got to know each other when we were previously involved. I told him that it was good of him to come to me with that, and that it must've taken a lot for him to apologize (I know it did for me). I told him I would need a little time to think it over. He asked to see me this weekend, but I told him I'll be gone the whole weekend, on a camping trip. Very excited for that, BTW, haven't gone camping in 8 years. I'm not sure what to do. I still feel so drawn to him. My heart skipped a beat when I saw he was calling. It's been awhile since I've felt this way.
Sabali Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Oh sure...why the hell not? Sometimes you just need a good kick in the @$$ out there in the dating world to make you feel alive. I went with a woman not too long ago and I knew from day one she was no good for me but I road that train all the way to the end of the line just because it was so exciting. The sex? Don't mention it. She was a door slammer too. The only thing is that my heart was fully protected. I don't think yours is here so be careful. Don't just dive in like last time. Slow mo...
zengirl Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Well, I didn't think it would come to this point at all. C called me a little while ago, and we talked. Just for clarity, I didn't contact him at all after the last e-mail I sent him a few weeks back. I asked him point-blank what the point of him calling me was, and it took a little time for him to get around to it (just like me...) but eventually he said that he wants to try things again. He said he's really sorry for the way he acted before, and sorry that we never truly got to know each other when we were previously involved. I told him that it was good of him to come to me with that, and that it must've taken a lot for him to apologize (I know it did for me). I told him I would need a little time to think it over. He asked to see me this weekend, but I told him I'll be gone the whole weekend, on a camping trip. Very excited for that, BTW, haven't gone camping in 8 years. I'm not sure what to do. I still feel so drawn to him. My heart skipped a beat when I saw he was calling. It's been awhile since I've felt this way. This is the guy with whom you had mutual immature drama hissy fits and then each matured up and apologized and started communicating? A slow but steady give-it-a-go couldn't hurt if you want to. I wouldn't get too manic about it or anything, but I don't remember him seeming irredeemable just immature. . . . but, to a degree, it was both of you feeding off of each other, no? Approach him as maturely and evenly as you can with good communication and see what happens.
meerkat stew Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 "Smart dogs don't return to their own vomit." Best dating/relationship advice I've ever gotten from a woman, it has served me well for many years, and don't feel I've missed out on anything other than drama and angst by following it. Stated in more palatable terms. "The probability that a relationship that was dysfunctional in the past is still dysfunctional is much higher than the probability that a new relationship will turn out to be dysfunctional."
Author tigressA Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 This is the guy with whom you had mutual immature drama hissy fits and then each matured up and apologized and started communicating? A slow but steady give-it-a-go couldn't hurt if you want to. I wouldn't get too manic about it or anything, but I don't remember him seeming irredeemable just immature. . . . but, to a degree, it was both of you feeding off of each other, no? Approach him as maturely and evenly as you can with good communication and see what happens. Yeah, it was. I'm considering trying again. He seemed really apologetic. Of course I'll be really cautious if I do, making sure that things truly are different. To be perfectly honest, him coming to me like this has been a bit of an ego boost, especially because I was adamant about not contacting him after our email exchange. He did it without any prompting from me. It feels good. We're still talking now, via video chat. It's been going really well. Not that things can be made better just by one conversation, but it's pretty notable in that we have yet to bicker. There wasn't one conversation before that didn't include that.
zengirl Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Yeah, it was. I'm considering trying again. He seemed really apologetic. Of course I'll be really cautious if I do, making sure that things truly are different. To be perfectly honest, him coming to me like this has been a bit of an ego boost, especially because I was adamant about not contacting him after our email exchange. He did it without any prompting from me. It feels good. We're still talking now, via video chat. It's been going really well. Not that things can be made better just by one conversation, but it's pretty notable in that we have yet to bicker. There wasn't one conversation before that didn't include that. Keep in mind that "ego boosts" are not things on which to build healthy relationships. Actually, ego will get you every time, and I think it did with this fellow the first time.
Jilly Bean Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Once a dynamic is set between two people, the synergy really doesn't change. Both of you are a bit of drama queens, which is what drives your attraction. Right now, you're both on your best behavior, because you want to prove to the other one that it didn't sour before because YOU were the crazy one. lol I think you bring out the worst in each other (some people just seem to push all the wrong buttons!), and I give it less than a week before it blows up again. Please don't stop seeing other guys while you entertain the retread, Tigress.
Author tigressA Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Yeah, I'm keeping all that in mind. I still haven't totally made up my mind. And I have been seeing other people, and will continue to.
Author tigressA Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 I just finished talking to him for the night. He said that if I decided to try again, he won't be seeing anyone else. I told him that if I chose to try I'd be really cautious, and would be likely to keep myself open to meeting others in the meantime. He said he understood and just do whatever I feel I want to do. He said he hadn't met anyone else while we were apart: "If I had, I wouldn't have called you." Well, I figured that... I find it kind of surprising that he'd tell me he wouldn't see anyone else, and not expect the same thing of me. I've really got my eyes open now. In any case, my friend and I haven't decided on a specific plan for our return on Sunday, and I just told C I'd let him know if I'm reasonably available that day. If things go well between us in person, then I'll try again. Treading very lightly, of course.
zengirl Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I just finished talking to him for the night. He said that if I decided to try again, he won't be seeing anyone else. I told him that if I chose to try I'd be really cautious, and would be likely to keep myself open to meeting others in the meantime. He said he understood and just do whatever I feel I want to do. He said he hadn't met anyone else while we were apart: "If I had, I wouldn't have called you." Well, I figured that... I would find this lame. Basically, you shopped around and decided I was the best you could do? Thanks. That shows a lot of growth. But that's just how I interpret it.
Author tigressA Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) Yeah, it was kinda lame. But it's not like he was shopping around and then "settling" for me. I didn't get the vibe that he'd been actively looking for anyone else. The last time we were in contact before this he said he'd be taking the time apart for himself, to think about things, about what he wanted. I guess that's what he did. I remember he said "a few weeks", and it has been a few weeks since then. I took a time-out too, but then took some time for others as well. I went on a few dates, went out a lot with friends. I plan to keep that up. He did seem really apologetic for everything. He took the time to acknowledge specific times when he was wrong, particularly the big blow-up that had precipitated our split. I very well have my pick of several other guys at this time. I don't know what it is about him. I made a point of not telling C that, but I have a feeling he was able to pick up on it since I told him I've been getting out a lot lately, having fun. When he asked with who, I said, "Friends." He didn't press further. Might've been part of why he seemed so eager to see me this weekend. Wanting to snatch me up again before someone else does. Edited August 20, 2010 by tigressA
edgeofdarkness Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 "Smart dogs don't return to their own vomit." Proverbs 26:11 –”Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.” its a bible quotation its not about dating. Best dating/relationship advice I've ever gotten from a woman, it has served me well for many years, and don't feel I've missed out on anything other than drama and angst by following it.but yeah it is good advice, like my dad always says never go back its never the same, your always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Stated in more palatable terms. "The probability that a relationship that was dysfunctional in the past is still dysfunctional is much higher than the probability that a new relationship will turn out to be dysfunctional." the probability that a relationship that was dysfunctional in the past will still be dysfunctional if u go back to it is much higher than the probability of a new relationship being dysfunctional to the same degree. every relationship manifests some kind of dysfunction while we expect the other person to give us validation and worth. if we measure our value by how someone else loves us we will always be dysfunctional.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Hey, I don't want to be the voice of doom but I have been exactly where you are sitting now many times. I know how elated you must feel. But for me, it has never worked out the second time around. Like Jilly said, once a dynamic is set in place between two people - it is next to impossible to change. Fingers crossed and here is hoping you are an exception and I am just an old cynic
Author tigressA Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Camping trip went well, minus an all-night rainstorm that drove us out this morning at 5 A.M. C had called twice, once Friday night and once Saturday afternoon, but I didn't get the calls/VMs until Saturday evening since reception was nonexistent and/or spotty. He's on his way here; I'm going to see him in about an hour. Kind of nervous. I've changed clothes three times.
Author tigressA Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 C and I went out for an early dinner and then took a drive to a park with a lake, where we walked around, sat out on the dock, and talked. Things went much better than I expected. I thought I'd be too nervous about the whole thing, but I felt good. I was really myself and he seemed to really like it. When we were together before, I was mostly quiet because I didn't want to seem silly, but I just said whatever I felt like saying. I was silly, sarcastic, teasing, vulnerable, and he ate it up. We laughed a lot--more than I can remember on any one time out with him before. Perhaps ever. We did talk seriously about what had happened and how to proceed this time around, and it was so much easier. It was an actual discussion wherein we both contributed, we both listened, neither of us assumed to know the other's mind. I was just about bowled over when I heard him ask me, "What do you think? What do you want?" instead of merely playing shrink. As I expected, we did get physical, but we kept it at a low level, remained fully clothed. I don't know where it's going to go from here; this could be a one-time thing, we could just both be on our best behavior, whatever--but I'm going with it.
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