stace79 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I have this issue with my SO and want other people's insights. My bf and I will often argue about current events in the US; well, maybe it's more like debate or heated discussion. Things related to politics, religion, sports, etc. For instance, our latest "discussion" was about the woman sports reporter who was fired for wearing a rival football team hat to a football practice/press conference. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/17/renee-gork-fired-florida-_n_684332.html When we argue about things like this, there are some times when I blatantly feel my bf's opinion is different from mine, but it is not important enough for me to continue the debate, and so I will conclude it with saying something like "Yeah, I see your point." And then drop it. He never does that. If we don't see eye-to-eye, he will continue to hammer in his point, sometimes even telling me that I'm "wrong" or that "nobody else agrees with you". I understand that on matters of important principles, you shouldn't compromise your beliefs. But on some things so trivial, as this matter was, is it wrong of me to think that sometimes he could let me "win" the debate by using my aforementioned approach? Just saying something like "That's a great point, babe." And then dropping it?
Alma Mobley Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 if we don't see eye-to-eye, he will continue to hammer in his point, sometimes even telling me that I'm "wrong" or that "nobody else agrees with you". Next time he does this, tell him that you two should simply agree to disagree. If he continues to hammer his point like in the above, say that he is not only engaging in logical fallacies but also quite rude.
meerkat stew Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 He never does that. If we don't see eye-to-eye, he will continue to hammer in his point, sometimes even telling me that I'm "wrong" or that "nobody else agrees with you". Are you sure you aren't dating a woman?
zengirl Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I have to have similar political views (not identical) to date someone. But, I've had debates and arguments with a SO. I don't know. . . I mean, I never expected them to change their minds or acknowledge my points, nor did I ever go in thinking I needed to do that to keep the peace. That's not to say we never did, but I know whenever I did, I was sincerely impressed by the point, and I hope the same was true of him. At the end of the day, we knew our views were more similar than different, and that was what made it pointless to get into major arguments or get intense about it. But that's part of why I have to date someone with similar views. Otherwise, I couldn't remain attracted to them. There are some political views that bother me that deeply. Of course, if it's a silly little debate over a minor thing. . . I've never had long conversations about it. Why do you have to concede the point? Why can't you both just agree to disagree? If it is something silly and trivial, in any way, then this is the way to go. Conceding the point is fake and pointless unless you really have changed your mind.
carhill Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Simple answer: Men compete to win. Some men don't know how or when to turn that off.
Author stace79 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Are you sure you aren't dating a woman? HAHAHAHAHA! Thank you! That was hysterical, and I really needed the laugh this evening. I have to have similar political views (not identical) to date someone. But, I've had debates and arguments with a SO.... There are some political views that bother me that deeply. Of course, if it's a silly little debate over a minor thing. . . I've never had long conversations about it. Why do you have to concede the point? Why can't you both just agree to disagree? If it is something silly and trivial, in any way, then this is the way to go. Conceding the point is fake and pointless unless you really have changed your mind. I understand your feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm able to be with someone who has significantly different views than me, too. I get very heated about some discussions. Additionally, and I guess this is a character flaw that I have to work on, but when I hear someone's "logic" and beliefs that differ greatly from mine, I sometimes wonder "Are you really that stupid?" I know people have different opinions. But on some issues, I really can't comprehend how people don't see my POV. If you choose to follow a different path or have a different opinion, then fine. But I don't see how people don't understand my thinking. Lastly, sometimes I wonder, like you, if we are just incompatible for having such differing opinions. And I guess that leaves me feeling uneasy about the relationship as a whole. So I figure that if, on the things that aren't so important to me, I "concede" and vice versa, that we will "work better". Simple answer: Men compete to win. Some men don't know how or when to turn that off. Yes, maybe this is the problem. He's very competitive, but says he's only like that with men. This is the reason, he says, why he chooses to be friends more with females than males. However, I tend to be a bit of a tomboy, and he often says he's lucky to be dating an attractive female who is also "one of the guys". So maybe he feels he has to compete with me?
carhill Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 If he's only like that with men, invite his actions to reflect his words FWIW, stbx and I would also have 'debates' and she wasn't so much annoyed with my wanting to 'win' but that I insisted on examining things in such excruciating detail.
zengirl Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Lastly, sometimes I wonder, like you, if we are just incompatible for having such differing opinions. And I guess that leaves me feeling uneasy about the relationship as a whole. So I figure that if, on the things that aren't so important to me, I "concede" and vice versa, that we will "work better" Just want to be clear -- I am sure that I've been with SOs who I disagreed with on many, many things. Just not disagreed vastly on anything I really, really cared about and needed them to see my point of view on. Those are value judgments. For me, some political judgments are value judgments, like helping people in need or fostering equality (the minutiae of how we do such things are broader of course). Certainly, I've also been presented with points that allowed me to change my own mind and evolve my ideas. This is not to say actively trying to change someone's mind works. It doesn't. But open-minded people can change their minds; it's just pointless to ever approach anyone in hopes of forcing it. The concession idea seems needless. Either you work or you don't. That doesn't mean you have to agree on everything, or even be able to concede. It does mean you have to be able to agree to disagree. To men, that's not really the same as a true concession -- ceding the point and saying "Wow, I never thought of that---it;s a really good point," etc. I'll only cede the point if I truly believe it. I've done this. Many times. But I've never resented it or expected tit for tat because it was honest and not about trying to get closer to the person in some way, which is what you're coming dangerously close to sounding like here. That said, I think you have to pick your sticking points wisely.
edgeofdarkness Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 hes a control freak. has to be right even when somebody proves him wrong. my dad is like this. you can show him his opinion is way of base, but he says they have their info wrong, dont ever play trivial pursuit with my dad, all the answers are wrong according to him. your guy is controlling you by getting you to admit defeat good luck with that.
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