mustangguy29 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 DATE 1 (Saturday August 7th) (but not really a date) A male friend/co-worker of mine invited me to go see a movie with him and some other friends. It was 5 of us, and one of them happened to be a lovely lady. The 5 of us also ended up going out to dinner afterwards. She is 15 years older than me(I am 29), but we talked a lot and seemed to really click. During dinner she mentioned another guy she met the night before that was really cool, but he lives in England and it was his last night in town. Monday August 9th My friend asks me if I liked her and I say I did, so he emails her and asks her what she thought of me, and she replies that I seem nice and interesting, but she doesn't want anything complicated right now, she also mentions this other guy in the email to him. So, I email her and ask her if she wants to meet up with me and my friend and his wife later that week(i.e. a double date) downtown. She emails me back and says thats great, but 2 of her friends are coming. DATE 2 (Saturday August 14th) (Sorta a date?) Her two female friends show up before her and she finally shows up 20 minutes late, but we end up having drinks and talking for about 6 hours. She touches me on the shoulder a few times and the knee once, making me think she is interested, but then when a group of cute girls shows up, and we give them half our big table she tells I should sit in the seat by girls to talk to them (What the?). Even though I had a good time, I was only alone with her for the last 30 minutes of the evening, but as I am driving her to her car, she comments on my car door being busted, and says "you can't take a girl on a date with your car like that" jokingly. (so I guess it is a date? (I took care of the door the next day)) When I dropped her off at her car and only gave her a hug goodnight, she asked me when the next soccer game is, because I had mentioned I liked soccer earlier. I said "Wednesday do you want to go" and she said yes. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up or to just meet her there, and she said she would meet me there. Clearly she was leading me on to ask her out here, so that seems like a definite sign of interest, but not wanting me to pick her up was a little disappoint, but no biggie. Tuesday August 17th So, I am happy and thinking I finally have a proper date with her between just the two of us. She shoots me an email saying her friend and her friend's husband and their frickin 2 year old are going to try to work it out to come to the game with us... I played it cool and said that was cool and even offered to hook them up with some tickets, but WHAT THE %%%%!!!! So, it is now Wednesday, August 18th, the soccer game is tonight, and I am completely lost. 1. Does this girl like me or am I wasting my time? 2. Why the extra friends whenever we meet up in places that are already very safe and public? 3. Should I try to kiss her and potentially make a fool out of myself to someone that is friends with a co-worker of mine? 4. If I do kiss her, should I greet her with a kiss at the start of the date or wait until the end of the night? Any advice is sincerely appreciated.
meerkat stew Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Yes, she likes you, but yes you are wasting your time. She has no interest in dating you whatsoever. Moreover, I don't like her character, as it's plain as day, because the possibility was expressly discussed with her -in writing- that you have asked her out twice now and she has presumptuously inserted her friends both times, in effect toying with you. This is very rude and reveals a privileged attitude. It could be what they call a sh_t test on her part, that she is trying to see if you are cool with something casual, but she is going about it in the wrong way. In your shoes, if you want to f_ck her, proposition her directly to go to a hotel, not either of your houses, and I have a wild hunch she may say yes. Even if she says no, you will put her in her place a bit merely in asking, and she may gain some respect for you and stop treating you as a eunuch. But understand that if she does have a fling with you, that would not be a prelude to a relationship or dating, just sex. She was also being condescending in telling you to sit next to the girls and talk to them, but that's not a great big deal.
Author mustangguy29 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) Thanks for reading my long post and for the advice Meerkat. Personally, I don't have any desire for meaningless sex with her. What sets her apart being that she is 15 years older than me is that she a lot smarter than most of the women I usually meet, which is attractive to me since I want a real relationship. Maybe, I should just tell her "I think we should just be friends" or maybe I should have a good time tonight, but not schedule another date. I would love anyone else's take. Edited August 18, 2010 by mustangguy29
Author mustangguy29 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) Thanks hellcat Edited August 18, 2010 by mustangguy29
meerkat stew Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 To avoid these kinds of issues in the future, when you meet a woman you like, get her phone number. If she won't give that, she's not interested in the way you want her to be, move on. Call her on the phone and ask her out for a specific activity for two, "would you like to go bowling with me Tuesday night?" whatever the particular activity may be. Dinner and a movie are bad ideas for early dates, pick something active, inventive and inexpensive that will allow you two to spend significant time alone together in close proximity. NO group dates. After you ask her, shut up and wait for her to say something in reply. Listen carefully to what she says. If she's quality, she will say either yes or no pretty directly. If she says no and gives a -specific- option, she is likely interested in seeing you. If she says pretty much anything else, she isn't interested, move on. Talk of recently being hurt or broken up or whatever else means she is not interested or not really available. Move on. If she says yes, and calls to "add people to the date" cancel immediately. If you are asking them to do the right kinds of things, this shouldn't pop up, but if it does, figure out a way to get out of it. A woman who adds other people into a date, or tries to add to or vary the plans, is showing a red flag that is a deal-killer for me. Up to you as to how you take it. Stick to the above steps religiously at first. Don't call women to chat or get into texting. Focus your energy into developing several prospects at one time to date as opposed to calling and texting one woman whom you really don't know that well in an effort to woo her. Ask them out, show them a good time, let them know physically that you find them attractive by kissing them. If they won't kiss you after one or two dates, they simply aren't interested. That's when you move on to other options and find a new option to take that one's place. Sorry if the above is insulting your intelligence or experience, I just feel bad when guys get caught in this kind of nebulous thing when it is easy to avoid. Best wishes.
Author mustangguy29 Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Not insulted at all, I wouldn't be on here if I didn't want advice. I sometimes have a problem applying what I know about dating to my own situations, because like most people, I find some aspect about the situation, that I pretend makes it unique and not subject to the rules. In this case I was dating a significantly an older woman for the first time. Obviously, I was mistaken. Last night went alright, her friends left around half-time and we had a fun time with a lot of physical attention, but right after the game ended I gave her a compliment about her having a lot of energy, and she told me she did when she wasn't depressed, but she was working on that. I pretty much just said well I hope you work that out and have a good night and walked to my car. 2 minutes after I pull out, she called me and told me someone almost hit her (which is probably just an excuse to call me, but maybe it happened), and then said she was sorry if she freaked me out with the depressed stuff, but she just got out of a 3 year relationship that want really badly, she went on about her goals, and thanked me for a great time, and said she would have to buy me that beer she owed me sometime. I wished her a good night without making any further plans.
Philetus Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 2 minutes after I pull out, she called me and told me someone almost hit her (which is probably just an excuse to call me, but maybe it happened), and then said she was sorry if she freaked me out with the depressed stuff, but she just got out of a 3 year relationship that want really badly, she went on about her goals, and thanked me for a great time, and said she would have to buy me that beer she owed me sometime. I wished her a good night without making any further plans. Here's my take on this... She's sending you a ton of mixed signals which make perfect sense to me. Look at it from her POV. She's in her 40's, you're 29. Think about how she's risking looking like a fool, being called a cougar, throwing herself at a younger man, being the target of gossip at work.... She's been hurt, she's fragile. She has a LOT more to lose than you do. It sounds like she's doing what she can to show interest without putting it all out there - she's covering her ass. I think she's excited at the idea of being with you but is fighting the risk she's taking. If I were you and I wanted to be with this woman, here's what I'd do. Make a date for that drink. Tell her you want it to be just you and her. At the end of the night, get close to her, look her in the eye and tell her you like her. Tell her she's lovely and beautiful. Kiss her. If I'm right about what she's feeling, she might resist. Tell her it's okay but you'd like to see her again. But, that depends on what you want to happen.
Author mustangguy29 Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 (edited) Make a date for that drink. Tell her you want it to be just you and her. At the end of the night, get close to her, look her in the eye and tell her you like her. Tell her she's lovely and beautiful. Kiss her. I am leaving on vacation very early Saturday morning for a week(she knows this). Should I wait until I get back or try to schedule it for tomorrow night. Edited August 19, 2010 by mustangguy29
Philetus Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I am leaving on vacation very early Saturday morning for a week(she knows this). Should I wait until I get back or try to schedule it for tomorrow night. If it were my, I'd do it now. I'd be bold and when I call her say something like, "I can't stop thinking about you and how lovely you are." What do you have to lose? I have yet to lose a woman by being too bold. Obviously, I can only go by what you're describing but it seems to me that's she's torn between her head and heart/libido. The more time she has, the more likely that practicality will win out. Do it now. One final word of advice. While this is true of most women, it's especially true of women in their 40s who don't think they look as good as they once did and think their chances at romance are dwindling. They love to be appreciated and complimented. Tell her she's beautiful and lovely, that you find her attractive, that you want to be with her.... For her, you are likely very exciting. Let that work for you.
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