Lady vs Panda Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I am moving abroad for at least a year for work. My job moves me around like this, I am always half-expecting it, it's one of the perks of the job IMO. I don't like being in any one place for too long. I have a boyfriend I've been seeing for ten months now and I like and respect him a lot. But, I'm not madly in love with him, I'm not a settling-down type, and I'm not looking for a LDR. My boyfriend does know that I sometimes move for work, he also knows that I always return to this area as my home base. Not too long ago he said something that made me wonder if he was contemplating trying an LDR if I got sent away again. We do not officially live together as I always keep my own place and have never asked anyone to move into it, but we do spend most nights together and he has his own shelves in my closet and stuff in my bathroom. I'm going out of town on business for just a couple of days but I'm supposed to see him this weekend, and I'm planning on breaking the news to him/breaking up with him then. I want to make it as easy on both of us as possible, and keep it clean and no hard feelings. I want to avoid making him feel bad, as much as possible. Advice?
USMCHokie Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I want to avoid making him feel bad, as much as possible. You can't. Breakups are what they are. Stop trying to treat them like rainbows and sunshine. If you respect him, then be honest with him and leave it at that.
meerkat stew Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Don't give reasons that lay blame on the dumpee, and make it about the trip without making it exclusively about the trip. "The fact that I'm leaving soon has made me spend some time looking at our relationship, and I've realized that though nothing is wrong with "us" per se, I don't feel strongly enough about "us" to carry it forward into a LDR. Have you thought about this yourself?"
Sabali Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 You can't. Breakups are what they are. Stop trying to treat them like rainbows and sunshine. If you respect him, then be honest with him and leave it at that. And this is probably all there is to say. Hearts get broken in love and war no matter what the intention is.
MFC Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 One thing's for sure: you'll quickly find out whether you two are on the same page with regards to your expectations for the relationship. After that--what the others said: honesty and plain talk.
Author Lady vs Panda Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Allright, my bad, I was not clear about what I'm looking for. I'm a direct person and have always planned on telling him the plain truth. I respect him, and plan to break up with him face to face. I'm not looking for ways to pull rainbows out of his ass. Let me break down the real issue: It's not uncommon for men to take women out for "break-up dinners." Common wisdom is that it's a bad idea, it's cowardly, they're trying to keep the women from having a scene. I wonder though, if it's not more that they're clueless and trying to exit in a nice way, giving her one last nice dinner, conduct the break up in a classy way. After all cowards who want to avoid a scene could just use a phone, right? Maybe the man doesn't see how this makes it all the more bitter for her, and out of left field, and comes off as controlling. My instinct is to have one last great night with him, an evening out AND a wild night in, and then tell him it's over and why. But I wonder if that is just a selfish impulse, after all I do have a great time with him and I WOULD like to have a nice night and have sex with him again. If I have sex with him again and then tell him afterwards that I am leaving the country and breaking up with him, is that twisting the knife? Would it be preferable to a man, because at least he got laid, or would it make it seem more bitter, like it was coming out of left field? Most women would not appreciate it, I think. Because I like him very much I want to minimize any situational things that would make it seem worse for him. Maybe it is best to tell him as soon as I get back from my trip, and then ask him if he will continue to date me until I leave and consider my departure date our break up. Don't give reasons that lay blame on the dumpee, and make it about the trip without making it exclusively about the trip. "The fact that I'm leaving soon has made me spend some time looking at our relationship, and I've realized that though nothing is wrong with "us" per se, I don't feel strongly enough about "us" to carry it forward into a LDR. Have you thought about this yourself?" This is good wording, and helpful. Thank you.
meerkat stew Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Personally, I wouldn't appreciate the "last big night" treatment and then having the bomb dropped, would make me angry actually, and feel a bit used. If I were doing a formal breakup, would not do dinner, but would do it over a drink at a bar, coffee shop if alcohol is not desired. Would make it short and sweet and definitely final so as not to imply false hope of a reconciliation down the road. Then immediate NC for at least three months. In response to any further contact, would send a brief, polite Email restating that I had thought a long time before making the decision and believe it is the best thing. If they persist with lots more contact, send another Email explaining that it's over and you would appreciate no contact for awhile. Try to avoid statements akin to "it's best for both of us," "it's me not you," "I will always love you," "I feel like I'm losing my best friend," "I love you but am not in love with you," as those all have insulting or condescending subtext attached that hurts people's feelings unnecessarily. The less said the better if you are trying to spare someone's feelings. Good on you for thinking this out with your ex's feelings in mind. Most people don't.
Author Lady vs Panda Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Maybe it is best to tell him as soon as I get back from my trip, and then ask him if he will continue to date me until I leave and consider my departure date our break up. . You know what, I guess I answered my own question. This seems like the most direct route and I'm pretty sure this is what I'm going to do. Maybe I won't wait but will do it tonight, sharp and fast like ripping off a band-aid.
ColdFox Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 It's been a really long time since I had to break up with somebody, but I remember it being very awkward and painful for both of us. It sounds like you're going into it with the best of intentions and you'll emerge with a clear conscience. I hope you get that one last great night before you move, I wish we all got such a thing. Good luck.
Sabali Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 You know what, I guess I answered my own question. This seems like the most direct route and I'm pretty sure this is what I'm going to do. Maybe I won't wait but will do it tonight, sharp and fast like ripping off a band-aid. No, give him the wild night of sex option and tell him that he can thank me later.
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