Philetus Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Every time I've had a first date that didn't work out I text or email the woman within 24 hours. I'm respectful and say something very complimentary about her or the date but finish it with something like, "I'm sorry, I just don't see us getting together again." Most of the time I get a nice response back usually echoing my sentiments and it's all good. Interestingly, when the tables are turned and I'm the one getting 'dumped' I almost always get the same kind of text/email. It's civilized, mature, and infinitely preferable to silence. Dating works best when people are open and forthright.
confused192 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That would be wonderful if everyone did that, both men and women. I wish I was better about that but I tend to ignore the person:o. It's so inconsiderate, I know...I should be better about it.
Philetus Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That would be wonderful if everyone did that, both men and women. I wish I was better about that but I tend to ignore the person:o. It's so inconsiderate, I know...I should be better about it. What if they send you a note saying, "Hey, I had a wonderful time with you the other night. I think you're lovely and I'd enjoy seeing you again. Would you like to have dinner with me Friday?" Would you ignore it? Say you're busy on Friday? Or be straight with him?
Sphere Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Having silly mind games played on you is no fun at all. As I said, not calling after a first date is minor comared to some of the dating games people play. I know, it's happened to me many a time, but while the woman is trying to spare my feelings, I've already clocked her best friend and begin to pursue like a Huntsman spider.
nddb Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I told a girl way back that I didn't think we should go out anymore. I simply wanted to end it because we weren't that compatible or serious and one of her friends and I had realized we were attracted to one another and were going to take it to the next level. It turned into a gut-wrenching bawl-out session about her friend (whom she derisively called "beauty queen" and "back stabbing b$tch"--totally uncalled for) and accusations of leading her on ("I see her in your eyes when we were on dates") and interrogation of when her friend and I started to see each other behind her back. My gut reaction was...why did I bother with this sh$t. But I was more polite than that. I simply let her vent, and smiled (keeping my distance to avoid getting slapped) and went on with my life.
confused192 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 What if they send you a note saying, "Hey, I had a wonderful time with you the other night. I think you're lovely and I'd enjoy seeing you again. Would you like to have dinner with me Friday?" Would you ignore it? Say you're busy on Friday? Or be straight with him? Ah, well-worded question. If he gave me a specific date like that when he would like to see again, I would be straight with him and tell him that I just don't think it will work out between us and wish him well. However, if he left it open ended and just mentioned that he would enjoy seeing me again, I would probably ignore it. Ouch, I know. I honestly don't know why I do this, especially when I would want the courtesy of being responded to. It probably just points to the fact that I do not enjoy confrontation.
confused192 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 What if they send you a note saying, "Hey, I had a wonderful time with you the other night. I think you're lovely and I'd enjoy seeing you again. Would you like to have dinner with me Friday?" Would you ignore it? Say you're busy on Friday? Or be straight with him? Also, totally off-topic, I saw in another post that you are a comedian?! Totally not the right thread or forum to discuss this, but I want to hear about it sometime if you don't mind!
Philetus Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Ah, well-worded question. If he gave me a specific date like that when he would like to see again, I would be straight with him and tell him that I just don't think it will work out between us and wish him well. However, if he left it open ended and just mentioned that he would enjoy seeing me again, I would probably ignore it. Ouch, I know. I honestly don't know why I do this, especially when I would want the courtesy of being responded to. It probably just points to the fact that I do not enjoy confrontation. Fair enough, I'm certainly not judging you. I ask because that's exactly the kind of message I would send after a first date that I felt went well. If I don't get a response I get the hint BUT I know the wacky world of technology can eat messages so I send a follow up. "Hi, it's been a couple days since I sent the invitation to dinner and I haven't heard back. I'm assuming that's because you don't want to see me again. If that's true, it's all good. If you didn't get my invitation or if you've changed your mind, drop me a line. Whatever you decide, I think you're a wonderful person and I wish you all the best." It's just so much work!!!! Finally, I'm always nice to everyone I date even if it doesn't go well. (I've never had a HELL date.) That's because friends use the same dating sites and it's happened more than once where I've gone out with someone who knew someone else I'd dated. Usually, the report is positive. Just something to keep in mind.
confused192 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 This right here is why dating is so hard becuase it seems to apply to far more things than whether to call back and say whether you are interested in a second date. People will paly cruel dating games and then say they have no idea why they did it. It happens all the time. I agree with you, it is not a nice thing to do to someone. I am going to actively work to be more forthcoming with guys I date. As awful as it sounds, I have never had the tables turned on me, so to speak. If someone ignored my messages or texts, I am sure that I would think twice before I did that to someone else because I would know what that feels like. However, it does not make it right that I have ignored people's messages and I will no longer do it from now on, I promise LS posters .
Sphere Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I agree with you, it is not a nice thing to do to someone. I am going to actively work to be more forthcoming with guys I date. As awful as it sounds, I have never had the tables turned on me, so to speak. If someone ignored my messages or texts, I am sure that I would think twice before I did that to someone else because I would know what that feels like. However, it does not make it right that I have ignored people's messages and I will no longer do it from now on, I promise LS posters . "A pig just flew past my window"
InceptorsRule Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 In theory your idea is excellent. In reality, most people are so ambivalent about this kind of stuff that they tend to not want to burn bridges, for the most part.
confused192 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 "A pig just flew past my window" Hey now, I really will! It honestly doesn't take that much effort and as an adult, I should be doing it anyway. Although, I guess this would actually require me to go on a few dates, which has not happened as of late.
Confused100 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Unfortunately very few people of either gender do this. While not calling is not a great thing, it's no where near as bad as when someone strings another person along for weeks. Agreed. I just don't understand the rationale behind stringing someone along. Does it provide them with some sort of self esteem boost? It's just cruel.
Lorelai Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Second and last time I did it - she got snotty with me with a sarcastic response " I knew it blah blah" lol At that point I sd Fk it. What if I text them dat its not a match and she is thinking that already? Now I feel bad I didn't text back d last one I didn't make it to a second date to. I think that was covering for hurt at being rejected. Some people aren't that mature. If she had that response to you attempting to be honest, up-front, and not a game-player, you made the right call by not being interested. Even if I was hurt, I'd respond with "Too bad, good luck!". And yeah, I'd probably be a bit hurt. But it's a hell of a lot better to be a bit hurt quickly than be a lot hurt or wondering later on. So women prefer to get the text that we don't want to c u after d 1st or 2nd date? Do u women do d same? What if d woman already decided dat it was a no go anyway? A mature woman who had already made the decision that it wasn't going to work would probably respond politely, and be glad that they didn't have to be the "bad guy" by breaking the news themselves. I don't think the majority of women like to be the one to do the rejecting. Bottom line: I would prefer such a text. I also think any woman who responds snottily or negatively to that kind of honesty is definitely someone you shouldn't go on a second date with.
Lorelai Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think it is strange that you want to get a rejection. I can not understand why a guy would want to send you a cruel rejection if he can just vanish into thin air. If he does not contact you during next day (perhaps next 2-3 days), you should understand that it is a true rejection. There is no way that if he liked you, he would not contact you during next 3 days. If he does not understand that, he is too immature to date and, so, he is hopeless for dating anyway. A rejection would be "Thanks for dinner/date/company. I had a great time and you are a wonderful girl, and I'm sorry to say it, but I really didn't feel a spark. Wish you the best of luck in your search!" A cruel rejection would be "I had such a horrible time last night, you had BO from hell and you are quite a few bricks short of a full load in the sanity department. FOAD." Rejection in and of itself is not cruel -- sometimes it's actually preventing cruelty by keeping someone from getting their hopes up or ignoring another dating possibility because they were really into you.
zengirl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 The guy I met up with tonight has told me that when he goes on a date with a girl and he decides not to see her again - he sends her a text the next day saying that they are not a good match and wishes her good luck in her search. I thought this is great I would absolutely LOVE it if all guys did that. Instead of torturing myself with day after day after the date with will he call/won't he call. It would save up so much energy and emotion. Girls should do the same. Rather than dodge the guy's calls hoping that he will get a hint. I do this if I've been out with a fellow too. Just seems polite. But some people get really angry when you do this too! There's no winning with everyone.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 I think that even worse than avoiding confrontation is that some guys and girls like to keep their options open (i.e. string people along). They don't explicetly reject you, they might even keep in casual contact, they might even meet up once every 2 weeks or something, yet they know they don't really like you and are actively looking for something better.
somedude81 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) I think that even worse than avoiding confrontation is that some guys and girls like to keep their options open (i.e. string people along). They don't explicetly reject you, they might even keep in casual contact, they might even meet up once every 2 weeks or something, yet they know they don't really like you and are actively looking for something better. You described exactly what's happening to me. I would feel so much better if she just told me no. What sucks is that since I am a bit desperate I'll agree to go out with her if she contacts me again. I'm done contacting her. Sucks that I've liked her for about a month now. I wish she didn't let things drag on for so long and given me a bit of hope. I deleted her from FB about an hour ago. I sent her one last text, "Hey u still alive? Haven't heard form u in a while." If I don't get a reply by tomorrow I'm deleting her number. Edited August 17, 2010 by somedude81
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Yeah, waiting for a week for someone to call is nothing compared to people stringing you along for weeks or months. If you really like them, you convince yourself that they are just busy, that they are taking things slowly etc... But that's NEVER the case. Even when they do get with someone "better", they usually don't even bother with rejecting you then. They just drop off the face of earth. It's cruel.
WalkInThePark Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 That's the way I do it (I am a woman). But I don't do it via text, I do it via mail, I think that is more courteous. At the same time, if I want to see the guy again, I also let him know. I refuse to play games.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 This is exactly right. I think I'm the 2nd or 3rd (or 10th) option to most women I talk to. I'm a guy doing well who has average looks that women may like, but not get excited about. I think it happens to people who are seen by many as ok, but without the sparks flying. The most obvious case of this was when I emailed someone about 8 times over 2 months on a dating site. She keep apologizing for not emailing me back sooner. We finally exhanged numbers and I called and left a message and she claimed I gave her the wrong number when she claimed she tried to call back, though I checked the email and it was correct. I emailed her the number again and she seemed excited to talk to me. She sends me another email a few hours later claiming she is not dating. Of couse she logged into the dating site all the time after that. This at least taught me to ask for a meeting much sooner. I'm not sure how many times I was lied to, but it was at least a few. Sounds like a complete b%^tch. Let's hope some guy she really likes treats her the same way.
zengirl Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 That's the way I do it (I am a woman). But I don't do it via text, I do it via mail, I think that is more courteous. At the same time, if I want to see the guy again, I also let him know. I refuse to play games. Do you mean e-mail? Or are we talking actual post here?
SassyKitten Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Dating would be so much less of a headache if more guys did this, and this is exactly how I would approach it as well! Unfortunately, most people can't handle blunt honesty, which is why this doesn't happen more. Most people, female and male, live in their little bubble of how things "should" be and then get defensive if that bubble is burst.
WalkInThePark Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Do you mean e-mail? Or are we talking actual post here? By e-mail. I find an email more courteous than a text.
someotherguy Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I would typically send a text within an hour or so of the first date ending. I usually got very nice responses back, thanking me for a wonderful time and for not stringing them along, etc. However, a couple times, I got some absolutely fantastic, vitriolic responses. One woman told me that I was right, there would of course be no second date, because who the hell was I to think I deserved a woman like her. Priceless.
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