So I met him

[shadowplay]

The problem is, I would have no problem dating a 7. In fact, I would feel more comfortable with a 7 than a 10. But I never seem to have an opportunity to date a 7.

 

It's either a 5, or a low interest 9-10. I feel that I can and should do better than a 5 so that pisses me off. In fact, when I did introduce a 5 to friends before, I would ALWAYS get OMG you can do so much better. It seems that most guys are looking to trade up and 7s chase after 9s. That is really a crux of the problem. I just want someone that is same as me.

 

It's not even a friends/family thing. I am simply not attracted to 5s - I either feel absolutely nothing when they touch me or I feel mildly repulsed. There is no way to have a relationship like that.

 

So in the past, I have tried dating low interest 9-10s in the hopes that I will convert them to high interest. It was incredibly painful every single time. I have tried dating 5s in the hopes of growing attracted to them in time - also failed...

 

I could have written this. Like you, I'm also usually most interested in dating 7s, but have noticed they often shoot for 10s.

[westrock]

The problem is, I would have no problem dating a 7. In fact, I would feel more comfortable with a 7 than a 10.

 

^^^^ This.

 

SaC,

 

I am going to make a suggestion that may seem off-base, but it will make your life 100x easier.

 

If you meet a guy that is an 8, 9, or 10, say to yourself, "Hmmm, hot, but he's not for me. No point in wasting my time."

 

Some people may then think, "yes, i like a 7, but what's wrong if he's more? Who would choose less when they have the chance at more?". It's a fair question, and the answer is "Because 7 is good enough for me".

 

What people tend to do is become greedy. They want the maximum of everything even if they would be perfectly happy with something less. The problem with this approach is that unless they have the maximum (a 10), nothing else is ever good enough for them and they are perpetually and unnecessarily unhappy.

 

 

But I never seem to have an opportunity to date a 7.

 

It's either a 5, or a low interest 9-10.

 

The reason why you never have an opportunity to date a 7 is because you may be subconsiously either (1) avoiding them or (2) you don't notice them.

 

The truth is that there are lots of 7's out there! Definitely a lot more 7's than 10's.

 

How is it possible that you could be avoiding them or not noticing them? I believe the answer lies in how we feel about ourselves. I noticed that above you did not actually answer my question "How do you feel just being a 7?". There's 3 possible answers, positve, negative, or neutral, but each has a different effect on the opportunities that come before us.

 

If one's answer is "Deep down, I hate it. I wish I were an 8, 9, or 10" then subconsiously we respond by avoiding all 7's because a 7 is not comfortable for us.

 

If one's answer is "Well, I don't know actually. I like being a 7, but if I could be an 8, 9, 10, then why not" then what happens is we start noticing 8, 9, and 10's and we don't even notice the 7's right in front of us.

 

If one's answer is "Actually, I love being a 7.", then subscousiously we respond by noticing 7's all around us. (Intellectualy, there are 7's all around us)

 

But, what's interesting is that once we become comfortable with how we rate ourselves ("I love being a 7"), we start to notice that our perpsective starts to change on how we rate others. You will then discover that some of the guys that you previously thought were 5's are actually 7's.

[spookie]

SAC... with all this rating crap, are you really talking about physical appearance only??

 

How would you rate a guy who was very successful, ambitious, intelligent, muscular, well-dressed, but short, bald, and with a face that was not classically beautiful??

 

You've stated many times that you're "shallow", being able to be attracted only to "super-hot" guys, but what exactly encompasses "super hot"?

 

For me, most of the markers of the 9's and 10's are not related to a person's natural beautfy. If we're talking about physical traits, the deal makers and breakers are usually traits that are a direct result of lifetyle choices (aka working out, eating right, dressing in flattering styles).

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with refusing to settle for a "5" in this regard. I would not be attracted to someone who wasn't successful and didn't take care of himself, either - regardless of where I was in life, or how I ranked myself. But my lack of attraction would be in response to the lifestyle choices implicit behind someone's appearance - not the physical traits themselves.

[spookie]

To give my own perspective on this:

 

I am probably a 7, but I wish I was a 10, and it disappoints me that I'm not. Other people seem to find me attractive, but I don't understand why because I'm clearly not in movie star territory. If someone says I'm gorgeous, my gut feeling is "Yeah, I'm pretty, but not pretty enough". Then I tend to think the person has low standards if they keep insisting I'm beautiful. The same applies to intelligence actually - when someone thinks I'm smart, I tend to think "Yeah, but I'm not smart enough", because I'm not exactly Einstein and didn't go to a top school etc.

 

I was brought up to believe that I'm not good enough unless I'm the best, and anything less than the best is failure. For example, an A in class wasn't good enough if someone else got an A+, and I would cry for weeks if I got a B. However that sort of attitude doesn't translate into the real world, where someone else is always smarter/prettier.

 

I guess I look at other people and think because they're smarter/prettier, then I'm not smart/pretty enough, because I should be better than them (having been brought up to believe that I must be the best otherwise I'm a failure). So if someone else insists that I am smart/pretty, they obviously have low standards and are failing to see how inadequate I am compared to others.

 

As a wannabe 10, the guys who are 5s don't match my idealized self image; I want to date the 10s, but then I feel insecure because I know they're too good for me. However these 10s often tend to think I'm at least equal, and sometimes out of their league! Maybe I just have low self esteem caused by feeling that I'm never good enough

 

SAC... I completely relate to this. It's that damned Eastern European upbringing. When I was a kid everything was a comparison and if someone beat me in any arena, I was made to feel like I failed. Someone else won the spelling bee? Nevermind that my strength was math... after berating me for not studying hard enough, my parents would ignore me for the rest of the day. It took them many years in this country to stop viewing Americans as ignorant and stupid, so if an american kid beat one of theirs in some arena, it was shameful - a total disgrace.

 

My dad wanted us to be genius wonderkinds. My mom expected me to be as gorgeous as her - in her youth, the prettiest girl in school. Unfortunately, I am totally ordinary - both in my capabilities, and my desires. All I ever wanted, was to fit in. I would have done it well, too, had they let me.

 

But getting back on track, are you seeing a therapist? With the kind of attitude your parents instill in you, where everything is relational, the pursuit of happiness will always be an uphill battle. Some people swear by therapy, and if you found someone to help you change your attitude to be more accepting of yourself, flaws and weaknesses and all, I think you'd feel very liberated.

 

Easier said than done tho.

[spookie]

Whoops... thought the above was from SAC, not eeyore. Maybe it's not an eastern european thing then!

[threebyfate]

Also, to clarify low interest 9s-10s were never using me for sex as I simply don't have sex with anyone unless there is LTR potential - I am honest about this so they knew the score. They took me out, payed for expensive dinners etc. They were just very distant in general, went days without contact, delayed responses and were apathetic about seeing me. A girl can tell when a guy is not that interested. (this is for the poster that called me a lay down and another poster that said they used me as an easy lay).

 

The best way to describe the dynamic with them is that they were "stringing me along". Now, I am not saying that all 9s and 10s are d$cks, but I do feel that people who would string another person along for a long period of time and cause them great pain (in some cases this went on for months, in one case for years) can't be a very nice person.

Another way of looking at this is that these guys were giving it a go, since they were interested enough to date you. That they didn't find compatibility doesn't mean that it should be taken as a reflection on you or your looks.

 

SaCWA, we both know that looks are fleeting. The more you focus on looks as a source of external validation, the worse it will get for you. Why not look for a true partner and a healthy relationship dynamic where validation is sourced from something internal or something that's within your control?

 

Hopefully that came across the way it was intended since it's definitely not intended to hurt or harm.

[PJKino]

Im kinda in the same situation.Im not going after 8,9, and 10's but im not an attratcive Man and i dont think i can get a even somewhat cute girl..

 

Id rather be alone the rest of my life then be with soemobdy im not attracted to physcially at all just because theyre in my "league" or number on the looks scale..

[Eeyore79]

How would you rate a guy who was very successful, ambitious, intelligent, muscular, well-dressed, but short, bald, and with a face that was not classically beautiful??

Shortness and baldness are dealbreakers for me, so a guy of that description wouldn't be attractive to me. But I personally wouldn't care about him being "hot" - if the guy wasn't particularly handsome I'd still be happy as long as he wasn't completely repulsive either.

 

I feel that I can and should do better than a 5 so that pisses me off. So in the past, I have tried dating low interest 9-10s in the hopes that I will convert them to high interest. It was incredibly painful every single time. I have tried dating 5s in the hopes of growing attracted to them in time - also failed...

I've also experienced both problems - a guy is either an amazing catch who is so full of himself that he isn't interested in a relationship, or he's a 5 who makes me feel like I'm selling myself short. It's difficult to find someone who is middle of the range, particularly when you factor in that we also have to be compatible.

 

I tend not to base my scale on looks though - a guy has to be acceptable looking (which for me means reasonable height, average weight, not bald), and beyond that I really don't care whether he's gorgeous or merely average looking. As long as I'm not completely repulsed by him, other factors are more important, such as intelligence, compatibility, decency, confidence, etc. It seems like the OP values looks above everything else, whereas I tend to value intelligence more highly, assuming the guy is average looking since no amount of intelligence compensates for ugly.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Eeyore79

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Maybe we should calibrate our ratings:

 

 

If you put her avatar photo on hotornot.com there is zero chance that it would come back anything less than an 8.5, and most of the guys she's going to date up in that range are going to be dull and shallow, because society has never demanded they be anything else.

 

The 7's she professes to want don't believe themselves good enough (high enough on the scale) to get her, so they don't even try.

 

So instead of being reactive as is the typical woman in her social arena, this woman has to be proactive!!

 

She'll never be the woman denied entry into the nightclub for not being HOT enough, and not too many guys would turn down a conversation with her. She just needs to perfect a routine which finds her meeting a lot more people in general. That last part is the underlying key to social success.

[Star Gazer]

If you put her avatar photo on hotornot.com there is zero chance that it would come back anything less than an 8.5.

 

SaCWA's avatar is not her. It's Scarlett Johansson.

[Eeyore79]

So instead of being reactive as is the typical woman in her social arena, this woman has to be proactive!!

 

It actually took me a long time to figure that out! By letting guys choose me, I was getting all the douchebags who had the nerve to approach a pretty girl, while the guys I might be interested in were too nervous to approach me. So I started choosing men myself, and ended up dating much nicer guys. These men tended to subsequently admit that they would never have had the nerve to approach me if I hadn't approached them.

 

The only problem was that I wasn't very good at choosing men for myself; I'd choose men who seemed like a safe bet but who I wasn't wildly attracted to, instead of men who I was actually interested in. It took me a few more years to learn what I wanted in a man and avoid dating guys just because they were nice and trustworthy.