So I met him

[PJKino]

Haven't you ever heard of David Spade?

 

 

I think we need to stop with the famous ugly guy gets women any guy can..

 

Yes if you become rich and famous it wont matter what you look like but chances of that are not good..

[threebyfate]

I agree with that,i just dont like people who use the word "confidence" as if its something magical that can make most people attracted to you who otherwise wouldnt be..

 

Looks may not be the only factor but if you cant stomach ever making out or having sex wit the person then it doesnt matter if that person is the funniest person alive with the heart gf gandhi or mother teresa..

 

Looks gives you a chance for a person to want to see if you bring those other qualities as well..

From what I've seen of most of the guys who have posted pics of themselves on LS, looks aren't the problem. And I say that honestly. Most are average to above average, so they need to buck up their confidence level and stopped focusing on rejections hence bitterness. Some post like they're obsessed about one personally critical negative trait, hence the height, weight, breast size focus.

 

Also, many of the bitter guys on LS are pretty smart so instead of focusing all that energy on negating the opposite gender, use that intelligence towards improving sense of humour. Even if it only makes you laugh, the ability to laugh and make others laugh, is one helluva' aphrodisiac. But it does take practice which means failure to begin with. When it finally comes together, success is made more sweet with effort.

[WintersNightTraveler]

Yes if you become rich and famous it wont matter what you look like but chances of that are not good..

 

The value of humor in your love life is right up there with height, confidence and success in terms of vague generalizations that have some validity.

[PJKino]

From what I've seen of most of the guys who have posted pics of themselves on LS, looks aren't the problem. And I say that honestly. Most are average to above average, so they need to buck up their confidence level and stopped focusing on rejections hence bitterness. Some post like they're obsessed about one personally critical negative trait, hence the height, weight, breast size focus.

 

Also, many of the bitter guys on LS are pretty smart so instead of focusing all that energy on negating the opposite gender, use that intelligence towards improving sense of humour. Even if it only makes you laugh, the ability to laugh and make others laugh, is one helluva' aphrodisiac. But it does take practice which means failure to begin with. When it finally comes together, success is made more sweet with effort.

 

I agree that some people have negative attitudes and bitterness i think its just venting and lack of sucess makes people hurt so they lash out..

 

Sometimes theres no answers though..Some of us just arent attractive to the opposite sex and no fluff cliche words of wisdom on a message board will change that in our lives..

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I was bullied in high school and how hard it was when I moved from Eastern Europe and spoke no English, how I had no friends etc.

 

 

Whoa, wow, this stuff offers considerable understanding about you. Is it possible that you evolved to reflexively rely on those good looks to draw at least some affection and interest from others when the rest of the world wasn't being very fair or accepting of you?

 

Most of us barely have an idea of what it is like to move to the next county and learn whether we'll be accepted by the school kids there. To move from another country and adjust to new customs and languages while also being the girl with the accent and the beauty who was envied by other girls is probably a lot tougher.

 

Not only that, but society never affords the beautiful one a break, instead choosing to think that she has it all just because of her beauty.

 

SO I wonder if it is more reflex that has you sort of dwelling on a guy's looks to match your own. In general, that's how humans mate - they tend to choose partners who gen-er-al-ly match them on the attractive scale.

 

(so it does make sense that the photo in your avatar should be shooting for the moon in terms of a male partner) (unfortunately that could leave you bumping your head on the ceiling, without a whole lot of wiggle room up there. Sadly for you those who are blessed with natural external appeal don't work very hard to make themselves 'interesting' to others - because they don't have to)

 

Perhaps your destiny is a shallow-minded guy who makes your future babies look good. Had you not been "sad and confused" from the start of your time at LS, this might not be such a bad destiny for you.

 

The most interesting part about your sharing here is that most of the rest of us never really think about how it looks from where you sit 'up there'.

[threebyfate]

I agree that some people have negative attitudes and bitterness i think its just venting and lack of sucess makes people hurt so they lash out..

 

Sometimes theres no answers though..Some of us just arent attractive to the opposite sex and no fluff cliche words of wisdom on a message board will change that in our lives..

It's true that no one else can help with words, if the individuals don't choose to help themselves.

[PJKino]

It's true that no one else can help with words, if the individuals don't choose to help themselves.

 

Sometimes theres no answers..You cant force attraction

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes theres no answers..You cant force attraction

 

But you can create attraction

[Cracker Jack]

If only that were really true for most of us.

 

Creating attraction is possible in some instances--but more times than not, if someone ain't attracted to you, trying to create it outta thin air will often annoy them even more.

[donnamaybe]

But you can create attraction

This is absolutely true. I've become attracted to men who wouldn't have otherwise been a blip on my radar AFTER I get involved in a conversation with them for some time.

[zengirl]

Truthfully, I don't feel that any guy would want a LTR with me if he knew the real me. So I feel to have any chance at a LTR, the guy needs to be MEGA interested in me from the start.

 

So interested that even when he gets to know my insecurities, anxieties, past hurts etc he won't run away. That's why I am so hell bent on him having a VERY HIGH interest level from the start. Traditionally, the interest always took a nose dive after guys got to know my issues.

 

Then why are you looking for a very particular guy who may not exist instead of dealing with your issues.

 

This is absolutely true. I've become attracted to men who wouldn't have otherwise been a blip on my radar AFTER I get involved in a conversation with them for some time.

 

Of course. People usually become either WAY more attractive to me or WAY less attractive to me when they speak (in depth). One of the things I like about online dating -- how SaC -- met this guy is that these kinds of attractions (the mental aspect) can come forth pretty early. The idea that attraction is solely physical or aesthetic is silly.

 

I do think that's different from dating someone with no attraction at all -- SaC actually talked about how hugging him made her feel like he was too thin or something and the particular diction she used made me feel as if it was mildly disgusting to her. I'm not saying you have to start off at HOT, PASSIONATE, MEGA attraction, but if you don't start off more attracted than not whilst dating, I find it disingenuous to continue. I don't want to have to fake kisses, affection, etc. That seems creepy.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Zengirl, yes there is a whole spectrum of attraction. I guess I don't have to be so blown away by a guy that I want to be all over him from date 1 (like that guy I posted about) but I also can't be even mildly repulsed.

[gypsy_nicky]

100% agreed. Below to average men don't have guts to approach hot women? PLEASE. And also this person said that if a below to average man approaches you that must mean that you are at most average looking. I truly can't believe people can write absolute rubbish like that.

 

 

Ha-ha-ha. I have known so many men that are a 3-4 on the looks scale, yet they think they are an 8-9. Thus, they approach 8-9s because they believe that they are the same.

 

Approaching women, hot or otherwise has more to do with confidence. I have seen very good looking men that are terrified to approach women (hot or otherwise) and it was because they lacked in self-esteem.

 

 

I agree. Your username says WA. Are you from Australia? I'm not originally from this country (from US), and from the time I have spent living here, most dudes raised here will almost always use the approach I have stated. Also, they quite often brag to other dudes how they're getting it in on with the chick (or the chick is seriously into them) when in reality they're just chatting as friends.

 

I admit that most men from other countries such as US, do it too but its more pronounced in Aussie males.

 

(I had a workmate do it before and it seriously backfired against him cos the girl knew better: She used him for free rides home and free lunches and dinners. We were all laughing at him.)

[SadandConfusedWA]

I knew you'd like his profile I'm excited, and hope you guys get to meet.

 

He responded to my message just now.. He seems really cool. The only problem is that he lives about 2 hour plane ride away from me, so meeting won't be easy if it comes to that. But I am keeping an open mind with at least chatting to him... Look at CE and Pyro

[westrock]

SaC,

 

The parts of your response that I have bolded below provide some valuable insight.

 

I have a few observations, and a follow up question.

 

West, good questions. I will try to answer here:

 

 

WR:Why do you think you are emotionally blocking the attraction to men that are genuinly interested and available to you?

 

SaC: I think and always felt that the part of is SCARED of actual, normal relationship. I am scared of that level of emotionally intimacy. I worry that I will end up feeling smothered. But at the same time I DO want to be in a relationship. So it's very confusing.

 

WR. Do your interactions with these not-so-"hot" guys trigger inside of you negative or anxious feelings about yourself?

 

SaC: No - I don't feel anxious. I am comfortable with those guys. I can chat away forever. I only don't feel excited about them. The prospect of seeing them again seems like a drag.

 

WR. When you are with these not-so-"hot" guys how do you feel about yourself in terms of: your own beauty, your own intelligence?

 

SaC: They do make me feel that I am beautiful and smart. They are typically nicer to me than "hot" guys. They treat me well. Then there is a part of me that thinks that if I am that beautiful and smart, I should have been able to get a hot guy (I know this sounds bad).

 

WR. What do you think family, friends, and others are thinking about you when they see you with the not-so-"hot" guys?

 

SaC: That they will think less of me. As in, if she was really that awesome, she would be able to land a super hot super successful guy.

 

I also noticed in subsquent posts:

I never even said that I am hot. I always said that I am kind of pretty and that's the truth.

 

Truthfully, I don't feel that any guy would want a LTR with me if he knew the real me. So I feel to have any chance at a LTR, the guy needs to be MEGA interested in me from the start.

 

So interested that even when he gets to know my insecurities, anxieties, past hurts etc he won't run away. That's why I am so hell bent on him having a VERY HIGH interest level from the start. Traditionally, the interest always took a nose dive after guys got to know my issues.

 

I believe you when you indentify yourself as "kind of pretty". I'm not going to say or try to convince you that you're a 10 or 5. For purposes below, I'm using a "7" to mean someone who is "kind of pretty" as you describe yourself.

 

The first thing I noticed is that you answered the last two questions using an "IF" format type of response. To me that means there is a premise ahead of the IF portion that's not being expressed or acknowledged. For example, the statement "IF I cut my hair..." probably has a premise that my hair needs cutting, "IF I lose 20 lbs...." has a premise that I have 20 lbs at least to lose.

 

I don't want to put words in your mouth or presume to know what you're thinking, so I will tell you what I think when I hear someone answer those questions with an IF type response in the context of the other information from you as I have bolded above. I've embellished it up a bit to illustrate a point.

 

When someone says "if I am that beautiful and smart, I should have been able to get a hot guy" along with the other information, a possible expanded IF THEN may be something along the lines of "He think's I am a 10, actually I am not that beautiful and smart (i'm just a 7), and IF I really am that beautiful and smart (he think's i'm a 10), THEN I should be able to get a hot guy (a 10), but I'm only attracting this 7 so maybe I am just a 7 and when he finds out my insecurities, anxieties, past hurts he'll find out i'm really just a 7 and then things will nose dive and he'll dump me. I get along so well with him, but I better keep him at a distance so he never finds out the real me, but since he's so interested, I'm having trouble keeping him at a distance, and I feel like he is smothering me."

 

Similarly, in reading "if she was really that awesome, she would be able to land a super hot super successful guy" along with the other information, a possible expanded IF THEN may be something along the lines of "We thought she was a 10, but maybe she's really just a 7 considering that 5 guy she's with, because IF she was really that awesome 10, THEN she would be able to land a super hot super successful guy (a 10) but obviously she hasn't because she's really only a 7.

 

The interesting thing is that you think you are a 7.... but you believe that the guy thinks you're a 10, your family thinks you're a 7 or a 10, and even the beauty pageant people thought you must have been a 10 considering how well you did. The issue then becomes should you be a 7 (as you believe) or a 10 (as others seems to think or want for you). The problem what that type of issue is that it creates an internal conflict on what type of guy you would feel most comfortable with.

 

This leads to a follow up question that I want you to ponder ...

 

how do you feel just being a 7 ? For some people it scares them to death, for others they are perfectly content to just be a 7 (there's no right or wrong answer, it's whatever you feel)

[skydiveaddict]

He responded to my message just now.. He seems really cool. The only problem is that he lives about 2 hour plane ride away from me, so meeting won't be easy if it comes to that. But I am keeping an open mind with at least chatting to him... Look at CE and Pyro

 

 

Good for you. Forget about the plane ride. Small worries . Dont let that get in your way. It can work. My ex was also a two hour plane ride away. You cant imagine the frequent flyer miles I racked up. But I also was able to hitch rides on army transport planes since we both live in military towns.

 

i mean, what if he turns out to be the one for you? It's worth a couple of plane rides to find out. Besides, if he is a gentleman (like me ha ha) he will pay for your ticket. I say give it a shot

[craw]

hmm no delete button

[carhill]

Nah, you shoulda left it. Love those turds

 

OP, if he flies Virgin, you better watch out. Those FA's are HOT

[temporaryvisa]

sac,

 

the parts of your response that i have bolded below provide some valuable insight.

 

I have a few observations, and a follow up question.

 

 

 

I also noticed in subsquent posts:

 

 

 

 

I believe you when you indentify yourself as "kind of pretty". I'm not going to say or try to convince you that you're a 10 or 5. For purposes below, i'm using a "7" to mean someone who is "kind of pretty" as you describe yourself.

 

The first thing i noticed is that you answered the last two questions using an "if" format type of response. To me that means there is a premise ahead of the if portion that's not being expressed or acknowledged. For example, the statement "if i cut my hair..." probably has a premise that my hair needs cutting, "if i lose 20 lbs...." has a premise that i have 20 lbs at least to lose.

 

I don't want to put words in your mouth or presume to know what you're thinking, so i will tell you what i think when i hear someone answer those questions with an if type response in the context of the other information from you as i have bolded above. I've embellished it up a bit to illustrate a point.

 

When someone says "if i am that beautiful and smart, i should have been able to get a hot guy" along with the other information, a possible expanded if then may be something along the lines of "he think's i am a 10, actually i am not that beautiful and smart (i'm just a 7), and if i really am that beautiful and smart (he think's i'm a 10), then i should be able to get a hot guy (a 10), but i'm only attracting this 7 so maybe i am just a 7 and when he finds out my insecurities, anxieties, past hurts he'll find out i'm really just a 7 and then things will nose dive and he'll dump me. I get along so well with him, but i better keep him at a distance so he never finds out the real me, but since he's so interested, i'm having trouble keeping him at a distance, and i feel like he is smothering me."

 

similarly, in reading "if she was really that awesome, she would be able to land a super hot super successful guy" along with the other information, a possible expanded if then may be something along the lines of "we thought she was a 10, but maybe she's really just a 7 considering that 5 guy she's with, because if she was really that awesome 10, then she would be able to land a super hot super successful guy (a 10) but obviously she hasn't because she's really only a 7.

 

The interesting thing is that you think you are a 7.... But you believe that the guy thinks you're a 10, your family thinks you're a 7 or a 10, and even the beauty pageant people thought you must have been a 10 considering how well you did. The issue then becomes should you be a 7 (as you believe) or a 10 (as others seems to think or want for you). The problem what that type of issue is that it creates an internal conflict on what type of guy you would feel most comfortable with.

 

This leads to a follow up question that i want you to ponder ...

 

how do you feel just being a 7 ? for some people it scares them to death, for others they are perfectly content to just be a 7 (there's no right or wrong answer, it's whatever you feel)

 

 

 

you're amazing, westrock!

[Eeyore79]

"He think's I am a 10, actually I am not that beautiful and smart (i'm just a 7), and IF I really am that beautiful and smart (he think's i'm a 10), THEN I should be able to get a hot guy (a 10)"

 

To give my own perspective on this:

 

I am probably a 7, but I wish I was a 10, and it disappoints me that I'm not. Other people seem to find me attractive, but I don't understand why because I'm clearly not in movie star territory. If someone says I'm gorgeous, my gut feeling is "Yeah, I'm pretty, but not pretty enough". Then I tend to think the person has low standards if they keep insisting I'm beautiful. The same applies to intelligence actually - when someone thinks I'm smart, I tend to think "Yeah, but I'm not smart enough", because I'm not exactly Einstein and didn't go to a top school etc.

 

I was brought up to believe that I'm not good enough unless I'm the best, and anything less than the best is failure. For example, an A in class wasn't good enough if someone else got an A+, and I would cry for weeks if I got a B. However that sort of attitude doesn't translate into the real world, where someone else is always smarter/prettier.

 

I guess I look at other people and think because they're smarter/prettier, then I'm not smart/pretty enough, because I should be better than them (having been brought up to believe that I must be the best otherwise I'm a failure). So if someone else insists that I am smart/pretty, they obviously have low standards and are failing to see how inadequate I am compared to others.

 

As a wannabe 10, the guys who are 5s don't match my idealized self image; I want to date the 10s, but then I feel insecure because I know they're too good for me. However these 10s often tend to think I'm at least equal, and sometimes out of their league! Maybe I just have low self esteem caused by feeling that I'm never good enough

[SadandConfusedWA]

The problem is, I would have no problem dating a 7. In fact, I would feel more comfortable with a 7 than a 10. But I never seem to have an opportunity to date a 7.

 

It's either a 5, or a low interest 9-10. I feel that I can and should do better than a 5 so that pisses me off. In fact, when I did introduce a 5 to friends before, I would ALWAYS get OMG you can do so much better. It seems that most guys are looking to trade up and 7s chase after 9s. That is really a crux of the problem. I just want someone that is same as me.

 

It's not even a friends/family thing. I am simply not attracted to 5s - I either feel absolutely nothing when they touch me or I feel mildly repulsed. There is no way to have a relationship like that.

 

So in the past, I have tried dating low interest 9-10s in the hopes that I will convert them to high interest. It was incredibly painful every single time. I have tried dating 5s in the hopes of growing attracted to them in time - also failed...

[jamesum]

I personally am only interested in 7-8. Below that physically I cant be attracted to and over that Im just gonna have constant headaches with their antics.

 

Anyway, look-wise I rate myself between 6 and 7.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Also, to clarify low interest 9s-10s were never using me for sex as I simply don't have sex with anyone unless there is LTR potential - I am honest about this so they knew the score. They took me out, payed for expensive dinners etc. They were just very distant in general, went days without contact, delayed responses and were apathetic about seeing me. A girl can tell when a guy is not that interested. (this is for the poster that called me a lay down and another poster that said they used me as an easy lay).

 

The best way to describe the dynamic with them is that they were "stringing me along". Now, I am not saying that all 9s and 10s are d$cks, but I do feel that people who would string another person along for a long period of time and cause them great pain (in some cases this went on for months, in one case for years) can't be a very nice person.

[zengirl]

The problem is, I would have no problem dating a 7. In fact, I would feel more comfortable with a 7 than a 10. But I never seem to have an opportunity to date a 7.

 

It's either a 5, or a low interest 9-10. I feel that I can and should do better than a 5 so that pisses me off. In fact, when I did introduce a 5 to friends before, I would ALWAYS get OMG you can do so much better. It seems that most guys are looking to trade up and 7s chase after 9s. That is really a crux of the problem. I just want someone that is same as me.

 

It's not even a friends/family thing. I am simply not attracted to 5s - I either feel absolutely nothing when they touch me or I feel mildly repulsed. There is no way to have a relationship like that.

 

So in the past, I have tried dating low interest 9-10s in the hopes that I will convert them to high interest. It was incredibly painful every single time. I have tried dating 5s in the hopes of growing attracted to them in time - also failed...

 

I don't follow this logic so well because I really think these leagues are kind of useless. Someone's 5 could be another person's 10. Really. Sure, there are some semi-universal (meaning we an agree the majority agrees though there remain outliers even in these) aesthetic preferences. But they are only at the two most outlying parts -- the highest and lowest points of the spectrum.

 

That said, attempting to follow this logic anyway to the points I see. . . .

 

1.) What your friends think about their looks shouldn't matter. Really. That's shallow. What you think about their looks should totally matter. But, man, I couldn't care less if my friends think a fellow is a knockout or ugly. They don't have to date him just because I am.

 

2.) I really don't think emotionally healthy people (which is not the only kind of person out there and, with some of the things you professed, maybe not even someone who'd date you, BUT it is the only kind of people that anyone should want to date unless they want headaches and heartbreak) think about getting the most attractive person they can, as in "trading up." I do think everyone wants to date someone they're really attracted to and if they're aesthetically pleasing or impressive to others, that's an added bonus to many people (this is shallow, but I think even generally healthy people feel a little something from it; personally, I couldn't care less about showing someone off).

 

I think the issue is likely you're not attractive enough to the attractive fellows to deal with your issues. I don't think it's that all those 7s are dating 9s. I think that the ones who are willing to date girls with major issues are perhaps dating 9s. But plenty of them are dating 6s,7s,8s, maybe even a really kickass 5. . . because those gals don't bring the intense need and drama that maybe you do. This is just the vibe I've gotten from you in this thread and others. And I know you don't "act" out your drama, but, really, people can sense it, and you've even admitted here that if a fellow isn't REALLY interested in you in the beginning, you're pretty sure they'll leave due to these issues.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I am too lazy too link to my other thread, but hopefully you know who I mean.

 

I think I have tried to build him up so much in my head so that I can trick myself into being physically attracted to him. From his pictures he was borderline and I knew in person it could go either way. Physcial attraction is my weakest point as I tend to be only attracted to super hot guys.

 

Anyway, I wasn't that attracted to him It's such a pity. We have spent 4 hours together and went for dinner and drinks. Conversing with him was SUPER easy, there wasn't a single moment where I was stuck as to what to say. There wasn't any silence at all. Suich a contrast from the last guy. The only probelm is, I wanted the last guy SO bad. I don't really want this one.

 

Maybe I am nitpciking but here are some things that turned me off:

 

He wore a cheap cologne. I know this is shallow, but a good cologne goes a long way with me. I can still smell it on me, and I don't like it.

 

He is tall but very skinny. When I hugged him, I could feel his bones. I am not that into that.

 

He is not overly smart. I feel like I am smarter than him. I tried to explain to him what I do for work. He said that he is bad at math and asked me what's 6x6. When I replied, he said WOW. WTF. That's not even math.

 

Not really my physical type.

 

 

 

Positives:

 

He is very genuine. He is completly emotionally open.

 

We get along really well.

 

He is after a long term realtionship. He has never had a realtionship that lasted below 2 years (he is 33).

 

He is creative. He composes music for living and plays in a band.

 

He has good fashion sense.

 

He is crazy about me. He told me that when we met online he had a feeling that I am a girl he will one day marry (we talked every day and few times a day for a month). Meeting me only confirmed this. (I know this sounds like too much too soon, but he is TRULY genuine. There is no doubt in my mind about that - at least that's what he feels at this point in time).

 

He texted me just now "I really like you, you are the most amazing girl I have ever met".

 

He says what's on his mind. He doesn't censor himself or play games.

 

---------------------------

 

Should I give it a chance? Low physical attraction really bothers me the most Why am I so shallow???

 

I don't know sad this one sounds really nice I wonder why you seam to lack attraction to most men is it only the ones you can't have that physicality attract you?

 

Or maybe your attracted to the ones who wouldn't be that good for you IE you want a some what bad boy? I haven't really read that many of your threads to be honest.

 

But from what I have seen seams any guy who it could work with you arnt attracted to are you some how subconsciously setting yourself up to fail beforehand I wonder?