So I met him

[zengirl]

Although I think most people are on relatively similar attractiveness levels, I think it's more common for the girl to be hotter than the guy in relationships.

 

Only if you factor in make-up etc, do I think this is even potentially true.

 

I know gorgeous guys with gals who wouldn't make any magazine covers, too. (They're cute, but you can tell the difference.) The world is not as evenly matched and physical attraction not as simple as people think.

 

Now, SaC may have emotional issues hindering her physical attraction to fellows. I suppose that does happen. If that's the case, she should work on them. But unless that's the case, going out with fellows she's not attracted to, isn't going to lead anywhere good.

 

P.S. I agree that this fellow doesn't sound like a keeper. On many levels. Based on what we already knew about his messaging, I am unsurprised.

[Eeyore79]

I can see both sides of the situation here. On the one hand, I don't think physical attractiveness should be the main deciding factor, because looks fade and gorgeous people can sometimes be a little less keen on commitment. On the other hand, if you're truly not attracted to someone then the relationship is going nowhere. I've had relationships where I wasn't really attracted to the guy, but I dated him because he was a good relationship prospect and a nice person, and it didn't work out because I simply wasn't attracted to him. Having said that, there are other guys who weren't really my type physically, who I ended up being really into because we were so compatible once we got to know each other.

 

I'd be more concerned about the fact that he doesn't seem compatible with you in an intellectual sense. Maybe you would find him more attractive if he was more intellectually compatible? Intellectual compatibility is a big thing for me, so I can understand why you're put off this guy. I would be inclined to let the physical attractiveness thing slide a bit, because maybe he'll grow on you, but there's no point if you don't respect him in an intellectual sense. Perhaps you and this guy would be better as just friends?

[SadandConfusedWA]

The last guy that turned out to have a girlfriend had my profile and had everything I have ever said completly memorized. Didn't mean a thing. This guy just has bad memory for numbers - he remembered everything else, even little details like that my home city listed is technically in another country from the country I listed. (it's actually on the border). He has also been through pretty much all of my 200 pictures on FB and asked about holidays I took (that he could see from the pictures). He even asked about men on them and which are friends and which are exs (he remembered their names even!)

 

 

Sorry guys, but I completly disagree that he is using lines. He is not like that at all. He is too honest for his own good. He doesn't flatter or says what he doesn't mean. He just REALLY REALLY likes me. Is that so hard for anyone to beleive? Sure, we met for the first time yesterday but we had hours long intimate conversations before that for a month. If there is one thing that this guy has going for him, it's his genuinity. Plus, I have been told by so many people that I look younger (men and women) so I know it must be true to some extent.

 

You give great advice, but then you take something completly insignifacnt and blow it out of proprotion. Now he is not into me and running lines? Wow. Not the case at all. He is into me too much and my intuition has never failed. I spot lines from mile away.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Have you ever analysed what these "hot" guys represent to you?

 

Hi TBF,

 

Mostly it's just the way my body responds to them. Being attracted or not is not a concious choice. There is proably a small part of me that feels that I am more "worthy" if a hot man wants to date me

 

I also wonder about something zengirl posted, that I may somehow emotionally be blocking the attraction to men that are genuinly interested and available to me.

[threebyfate]

Hi TBF,

 

Mostly it's just the way my body responds to them. Being attracted or not is not a concious choice. There is proably a small part of me that feels that I am more "worthy" if a hot man wants to date me

 

I also wonder about something zengirl posted, that I may somehow emotionally be blocking the attraction to men that are genuinly interested and available to me.

Don't know if you remember my negative trigger, that if a guy considers looks as his top priority, I view it as a form of compensation on his part where it's also a form of devaluation in that it's all about him.

 

Any possibility this is happening with these guys?

[WintersNightTraveler]

He doesn't flatter

 

Isn't this the same guy who texted you from the other date? I certainly think he flatters, but whatever. We beat flattery to death in the other thread and it's not always a bad thing.

 

Now he is not into me and running lines? Wow. Not the case at all. He is into me too much and my intuition has never failed. I spot lines from mile away.

 

Using a line doesn't mean you're not into someone. I would especially use this line on someone I liked a lot if she was 30ish. I find otherwise reasonable women can be very touchy about their age.

 

I'm also needlessly touchy about a few things too and if some woman figures out a way to tap dance around such a thing and make me feel good then that's fine. Using lines gets a bad rap due to certain overusers. Like faking orgasms.

 

I shouldn't have used the word "stinky". It's really the other stuff that I think is the problem with this guy, whether or not that was a line really doesn't matter. I just commented on it because you dedicated a post to it. Whether he really did just happen to forget that one item isn't very important.

 

 

He just REALLY REALLY likes me. Is that so hard for anyone to believe?

 

I thought I ultimately agreed with this? I just think it is driven by his neediness, not by something that will do you any good. This doesn't make you any less cool (or more).

 

Why is it so important to you whether he really likes you or not? You're already identifying in great detail all of his weak points after date one.

[Star Gazer]

...my intuition has never failed.

 

Reeeeeeally???

[shadowplay]

The last guy that turned out to have a girlfriend had my profile and had everything I have ever said completly memorized. Didn't mean a thing. This guy just has bad memory for numbers - he remembered everything else, even little details like that my home city listed is technically in another country from the country I listed. (it's actually on the border). He has also been through pretty much all of my 200 pictures on FB and asked about holidays I took (that he could see from the pictures). He even asked about men on them and which are friends and which are exs (he remembered their names even!)

 

 

Sorry guys, but I completly disagree that he is using lines. He is not like that at all. He is too honest for his own good. He doesn't flatter or says what he doesn't mean. He just REALLY REALLY likes me. Is that so hard for anyone to beleive? Sure, we met for the first time yesterday but we had hours long intimate conversations before that for a month. If there is one thing that this guy has going for him, it's his genuinity. Plus, I have been told by so many people that I look younger (men and women) so I know it must be true to some extent.

 

You give great advice, but then you take something completly insignifacnt and blow it out of proprotion. Now he is not into me and running lines? Wow. Not the case at all. He is into me too much and my intuition has never failed. I spot lines from mile away.

 

I'm not doubting that this guy is into you, but it seems like the only thing he has going for him based on your description. Would you disagree? Seems like a flimsy basis to continue seeing him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I'm not doubting that this guy is into you, but it seems like the only thing he has going for him based on your description. Would you disagree? Seems like a flimsy basis to continue seeing him.

 

 

I agree. The best thing about him is how much into me he is.

 

Truthfully, my concerns are physical attraction and intelligence - anything else doesn't bother me at this point.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Reeeeeeally???

 

Really Star. There were times when I chose to ignore it and it always ended up backfiring.

[shadowplay]

I agree. The best thing about him is how much into me he is.

 

Truthfully, my concerns are physical attraction and intelligence - anything else doesn't bother me at this point.

 

Yeah, but those aren't concerns you should ignore. He doesn't sound bright. Obviously I have no clue whether you're being overly picky with his appearance, but his lack of intelligence should be enough of a deal-breaker given how smart you are.

[meerkat stew]

Mostly it's just the way my body responds to them.

 

Based on your other threads, sounds like you need more good, fulfilling sexual experience, and then I imagine the preoccupation with "hotness" will fade some once you get your bell rung well and good by some different guys of various appearance who know what they are doing.

 

Should open you up some to different physicalities in men. Not saying go out and screw a bunch of lepers, but do get more busy with guys you find somewhat attractive.

 

In essence, you need to get laid more.

[zengirl]

The best thing about anyone should never be how into you they are. I'm not saying you should date people who aren't into you; that's stupid, too, but there should be something about them that you are really into too! And that should be the best thing.

 

The last guy that turned out to have a girlfriend had my profile and had everything I have ever said completly memorized. Didn't mean a thing. This guy just has bad memory for numbers - he remembered everything else, even little details like that my home city listed is technically in another country from the country I listed. (it's actually on the border). He has also been through pretty much all of my 200 pictures on FB and asked about holidays I took (that he could see from the pictures). He even asked about men on them and which are friends and which are exs (he remembered their names even!)

 

 

Sorry guys, but I completly disagree that he is using lines. He is not like that at all. He is too honest for his own good. He doesn't flatter or says what he doesn't mean. He just REALLY REALLY likes me. Is that so hard for anyone to beleive? Sure, we met for the first time yesterday but we had hours long intimate conversations before that for a month. If there is one thing that this guy has going for him, it's his genuinity. Plus, I have been told by so many people that I look younger (men and women) so I know it must be true to some extent.

 

You give great advice, but then you take something completly insignifacnt and blow it out of proprotion. Now he is not into me and running lines? Wow. Not the case at all. He is into me too much and my intuition has never failed. I spot lines from mile away.

 

I think the point is: Nobody healthy really, really likes anyone enough after 1 date to come on that strong. To be assertive and direct about communicating his interest? Sure. To get that intense about it? No. Those are the fellows (and ladies) looking to fill some space who feel incomplete and unhappy without a relationship.

 

The greatest issue here, of course, is You aren't attracted to him. This is important for any dating relationship. Didn't you already keep one guy around for a month and learn that lesson?

[temporaryvisa]

The first one is the reason I cautioned you in your other thread to NOT over-invest in strangers before meeting.

 

The second is a HUGE red flag, and not something you should be flattered by, but should be highly concerned about. For someone to say that someone they never met is the person they think they're going to marry is crazy. See it for what it is.

 

 

 

 

 

Uh, no. You can't change people, and shouldn't want to.

 

Just really stop spending a month talking to someone every day in advance of meeting. It creates fantasy, illusion and false expectations. Date in real life, not in cyberland, and then there won't be so much crash and burn.

 

Maybe he was feeling emotional and an intense attraction towards her, and just blurted at that time what he was feeling, logical or not. :S

It happens to me all the time. And honestly, not all our feelings make sense. Some people feel way more intensely than others.

 

And he's prolly kicking himself for saying it.

[temporaryvisa]

WintersNightTraveler, I really like the way you write and think (no false flattery here).

 

If I were to give you advice on that imaginary scenario, I would tell you that you sound desparate and not to string the girl along.

 

As for why this guy doesn't come across as overly smart, it's just the overall vibe and the way he talks and topics he talks about. He is probably of about average intelligence. I attempted to talk to him about the upcoming Australian election and he barely knows who the current PM is. He can't really discuss it even on a very basic level.

 

He also didn't know what a PhD is. When I told him I have a PhD he had NO clue what it means or even that doctoral degrees exist, let alone anything else. Maybe this is more common than I think but I have never met anyone so far that didn't know what it is.

 

 

OK, that's just stupid, my 11 year old bro knows what it is

[temporaryvisa]

Sorry but there is truth to it. Nowhere did I say looks didn't matter to girls, but there are many more unattractive males with attractive female than vice versatile. There was a thread here about it not to long ago but your not worth my time to dig it up so.. I just love people like you, by the way, that attack random people behind a keyboard.. So fabulously cool!

 

 

No one's attacking, and everyone's random!

[SadandConfusedWA]

Based on your other threads, sounds like you need more good, fulfilling sexual experience, and then I imagine the preoccupation with "hotness" will fade some once you get your bell rung well and good by some different guys of various appearance who know what they are doing.

 

Should open you up some to different physicalities in men. Not saying go out and screw a bunch of lepers, but do get more busy with guys you find somewhat attractive.

 

In essence, you need to get laid more.

 

Actually, you may have something here.

[SarahRose]

It's not "BS" it's what I study and it makes sense to me. (In evolutionary history) A men's primary concern when finding a mate is looking for someone young and fertile with a good body. Those women have the best chances of getting pregnant. But for women, they are looking for a mate who can provide and offer them resources while they're pregnant and for their babies. Looks are less important because they want a man who will help their babies survive the best by giving them resources.

 

Of course this is evolutionary history when babies always needed two parents to make it. Although that isn't true anymore, it should have created differences in what attracts women and men. Men should still be drawn to fertile women with good hip to waist ratios and women should be drawn to men who have status and indicators that he will help provide.

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/2004/apr/22/thisweekssciencequestions.evolution

 

Here we go with that rubbish again about evolution.

 

The guardian on the internet isn't exactly a scholarly work lol.

[SarahRose]

I am wondering how you managed to spend hours on the phone talking to him and not got the vibe he wasn't too bright?

 

Are you sure he wasn't just joking about the multiplication and PHD comment? I would imagine if he was smoking hot when you met him you wouldn't have cared if is cologne smelled like fish sauce and sewage lol.

 

Appearance is one factor is selecting a long term mate. Just one.

 

Those who put it above anything else usually end up making the worst choices in a mate.

 

Hot guys know they can get lots of women. They don't have to settle. Hot guys are usually looking for other hot chicks. They don't give a flip about your education.

 

I had a friend say several times to marry an ugly man if you want a happy marriage.

 

How has the going for mostly physical attraction in a guy worked out for you so far?

[SadandConfusedWA]

I am wondering how you managed to spend hours on the phone talking to him and not got the vibe he wasn't too bright?

 

Are you sure he wasn't just joking about the multiplication and PHD comment? I would imagine if he was smoking hot when you met him you wouldn't have cared if is cologne smelled like fish sauce and sewage lol.

 

Appearance is one factor is selecting a long term mate. Just one.

 

Those who put it above anything else usually end up making the worst choices in a mate.

 

Hot guys know they can get lots of women. They don't have to settle. Hot guys are usually looking for other hot chicks. They don't give a flip about your education.

 

I had a friend say several times to marry an ugly man if you want a happy marriage.

 

How has the going for mostly physical attraction in a guy worked out for you so far?

 

 

Badly. Very badly indeed. I briefly considered taking a break from dating and killing myself at gym, so that I can easier attract hot guys.

 

But the underlying problem with that is that most of the hot guys I dated were d%icks. I mean self-abosrbed, arrogant and well aware of their looks. They treated people in their lives like s$it. That kind of makes me wonder that even if they had super hot gfs, they would still be d%icks.

 

My mum is always telling me that passion fades and to marry a guy that loves me more than I love him.

 

I guess this guy COULD be joking about the multiplication thing but he sure wasn't joking about the PhD. He did ask me on the phone what PhD was ages ago, but I glossed over that and thought that we just come from different backgrounds. He has a 3-year arts degree so he is not high school drop out.

 

Other than that, conversation was pleasant and fun. He likes to analyze people and why they do this or that so we connected there.

 

As for cheap cologne, it would turn me off anyone. I probably have about 50 bottles of perfume at home so smelling good is very important to me.

 

I might just see him once more and then decide.

[Curious-One]

Wow this is sad, this is exactly why man cant be themselves on a date. You have to show that you are disinterested in order for the girl to like you. Trust me i learned this the hard way... treat girls like **** and they will want you more.

 

Lets face it, the fact that he is skinny , not attractive , and wears cheap cologne doesnt even matter. If he came in looking the same way and said he had other options and was going on another date after this you would be all over him and trying to win his attraction.

 

But a guy comes to a date and tells you he cares about you, he likes you alot , and shows his true feelings and you say the same thing i hear everytime when this kinda thing happens "i am not physically attracted to him" .

 

Yet the other guy doesnt care about you , is probobly having sex with 10 different girls behind their backs and possibly wanted to make you his 11th and all you can think about is this guy.

 

Not saying anything is wrong with you but this is the way the women are programmed .. that is why you hear guys say girls always go for jerks and girls saying there are no descant girls around.

[WalkInThePark]

Thanks guys, all good points.

 

I know he is bad at math but he is a musician, I mean I can't play an instrument. We are just talented in different ways.

 

Also, I can buy him some cologne and fatten him up. He has a good height and both structure. Maybe I can fix him up?

 

I forgot to say that I am from Eastern Europe and he learned few phrases in my language as a suprise.

 

When we had dinner, he barely ate a thing. I meanwhile I ate for both of us When I asked him why he wasn't eating he said that he is too nervous about meeting me to eat.

 

Gawd, my self-esteem must be rock bottom if I am this pleased that a guy is this into me.

 

I wish I could combine physical attraction and intelligence of the last guy with conversational ease and openess of this guy together with the interest level somewhere in between the two.

 

You are already changing and moulding him. Where is the LOVE in all this?

 

BTW, is that you in your avatar. Why such a slutty picture? Is that how you present yourself to the outside world? Not very classy!

[WalkInThePark]

For someone to say that someone they never met is the person they think they're going to marry is crazy.

 

Plus, you don't know to how many other women he says this, thinking it is a line they can't resist.

 

Don't forget he might be as desperate as you are to get in a relationship. Wouldn't you be a good couple? Both thinking you can't get what you want so hooking up with a consolation prize...

[Eeyore79]

I once walked into a class and felt a little disappointed that the only guy in my age group wasn't particularly hot. A couple of months later, I was totally smitten with him and got the shakes whenever he was near me (He wasn't into me, but that's another story).

 

Another time there was a guy in my class who didn't do anything for me at all in terms of his looks, and I pretty much ignored him - he asked me out and I declined. But we got to know each other as friends; several months passed, and one day things just clicked in my head, and I started to think he was incredibly attractive (He had dropped a few pounds and bought some better clothes and cologne - unfortunately by then he was dating someone else).

 

In both of those cases, it was the guy's personality which flipped my attraction switches once I got to know them (and in the case of the latter guy, he had polished himself up a little). I could still see their physical faults, but they didn't matter so much any more because I liked their personalities. So what I'm saying is, if you like this guy's personality, maybe you should give him a chance and see if he grows on you?

 

You have to be prepared to take a step back if he doesn't grow on you though - I spent years with guys who were lovely people and very into me, but I was never really attracted to them. If I were you, I'd give it a few weeks and see if his personality compensates for his looks.

[Curious-One]

It is true. I see hot girls with average or below men ALL the time (I never see it the other way around).

 

The problem is, I couldn't care less about man's abilty to provide. I can provide for myself. I want a man that is hot and that's why I am screwed. Nature just doesn't work that way.

 

Having said that, I would be happy with a man that is not super hot but is the same attractivness as me (still above average). Sadly, all the men that show strong interest in me are average to below.

 

Another thing that kind of screws with me is that I am able to get dates even with super hot men. It's just that I can never hold their interest. I am not sure if that's due to my personality or the fact that they were low interest in the first place.

 

Yah u want to marry a man that is hot , goodluck with that.. we will see you back here complaining how man are pigs, cheat and dont treat women right. You do realize hot men get hit on by stunning hot girls all the time and it is very very very hard for a man to refuse sex from a hot girl. Furthermore hot guys have egos, and they will not TREAT you nice especially if you are average in looks department. They are used to to getting girls easy and will not put up with any bs because they can always get another girl. This brings me to another point..

 

The reason you cant hold a hot man's interest is because you are SMART and boring.. what hot man wants to talk about freaking politics. I could care less who is getting elected or the fact that you have a Phd..date is suppose to be fun, i dont want you to bore me with polotics or hear you brag about your Phd and how you spent 8-12 years in college.