SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I am too lazy too link to my other thread, but hopefully you know who I mean. I think I have tried to build him up so much in my head so that I can trick myself into being physically attracted to him. From his pictures he was borderline and I knew in person it could go either way. Physcial attraction is my weakest point as I tend to be only attracted to super hot guys. Anyway, I wasn't that attracted to him It's such a pity. We have spent 4 hours together and went for dinner and drinks. Conversing with him was SUPER easy, there wasn't a single moment where I was stuck as to what to say. There wasn't any silence at all. Suich a contrast from the last guy. The only probelm is, I wanted the last guy SO bad. I don't really want this one. Maybe I am nitpciking but here are some things that turned me off: He wore a cheap cologne. I know this is shallow, but a good cologne goes a long way with me. I can still smell it on me, and I don't like it. He is tall but very skinny. When I hugged him, I could feel his bones. I am not that into that. He is not overly smart. I feel like I am smarter than him. I tried to explain to him what I do for work. He said that he is bad at math and asked me what's 6x6. When I replied, he said WOW. WTF. That's not even math. Not really my physical type. Positives: He is very genuine. He is completly emotionally open. We get along really well. He is after a long term realtionship. He has never had a realtionship that lasted below 2 years (he is 33). He is creative. He composes music for living and plays in a band. He has good fashion sense. He is crazy about me. He told me that when we met online he had a feeling that I am a girl he will one day marry (we talked every day and few times a day for a month). Meeting me only confirmed this. (I know this sounds like too much too soon, but he is TRULY genuine. There is no doubt in my mind about that - at least that's what he feels at this point in time). He texted me just now "I really like you, you are the most amazing girl I have ever met". He says what's on his mind. He doesn't censor himself or play games. --------------------------- Should I give it a chance? Low physical attraction really bothers me the most Why am I so shallow???
bobdole Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 If your not physically attracted, not much you can do... I know it's different with girls than guys, but there has to be something there at least
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 If your not physically attracted, not much you can do... I know it's different with girls than guys, but there has to be something there at least But that elimantes 99% of the population. Out of those 1%, some are taken, some are not itnerested in me and some are just bad personality matches. I will end up alone if I am that strict with the physical attraction thing.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I just got another text from him (I didn't get a chance to respond to the last one). Hey SAC, Thanks for the lovely and enjoyable evening. Hanging out with you was so much fun. Hopefully I can see you again on Saturday. Have a great week - will be thinking of you lots x
EvrMorE104 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 so basically you playing the field and he's ready for a marriage...its simple..you gotta know what is gunna benefit you right now..emotionally, physically and mentally...the other guy maybe hot..but will he support you..wen u get ur heart broken, wen u wanna take time out and talk about wat got u madd today...sometimes settling for wat seems less (attraction)..may bless u in the long run..because other man may bring the worst out of u..this guy sound like a fix-r-upper lol..introduce him to some good cologne and give him math homework..it will work out fine..good luck wit ur decision.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Let's rephrase. You're considering dating a needy man who does nothing for you physically and who can't win a grade school multiplication bee. In fact he couldn't even stay competitive with those lil' tikes. C'mon SAC time for a bit of pragmatism.
WalkInThePark Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 But that elimantes 99% of the population. Out of those 1%, some are taken, some are not itnerested in me and some are just bad personality matches. I will end up alone if I am that strict with the physical attraction thing. Don't be so desperate! There needs to be physical attraction. That does not mean that you have to fall head over heels in love but there has to be enough attraction to keep seeing him. Like in: right now I don't feel the need to jump in bed with this guy but I can see that happen in the future. We women KNOW in our gut if a guy is f!ckable or not. Secondly, having the feeling that he is not as smart as you are is a huge turn off. It gives you the feeling that the ceiling of the room is too low for your height. Not good. SAC, thank the guy for a nice evening but tell him that there is no point in further meeting since he is not your type.
gypsy_nicky Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 it seems your not remotely attracted to him (From your wording, he doesn't seem attractive at all). Physical looks is important.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Thanks guys, all good points. I know he is bad at math but he is a musician, I mean I can't play an instrument. We are just talented in different ways. Also, I can buy him some cologne and fatten him up. He has a good height and both structure. Maybe I can fix him up? I forgot to say that I am from Eastern Europe and he learned few phrases in my language as a suprise. When we had dinner, he barely ate a thing. I meanwhile I ate for both of us When I asked him why he wasn't eating he said that he is too nervous about meeting me to eat. Gawd, my self-esteem must be rock bottom if I am this pleased that a guy is this into me. I wish I could combine physical attraction and intelligence of the last guy with conversational ease and openess of this guy together with the interest level somewhere in between the two.
meerkat stew Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Agree with others, this one isn't the one. Also agree on the neediness front, there are emergent issues with this one. Be glad you aren't physically attracted.
gypsy_nicky Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Positives: He is very genuine. He is completly emotionally open. We get along really well. He is after a long term realtionship. He has never had a realtionship that lasted below 2 years (he is 33). He is creative. He composes music for living and plays in a band. He has good fashion sense. He is crazy about me. He told me that when we met online he had a feeling that I am a girl he will one day marry (we talked every day and few times a day for a month). Meeting me only confirmed this. (I know this sounds like too much too soon, but he is TRULY genuine. There is no doubt in my mind about that - at least that's what he feels at this point in time). He texted me just now "I really like you, you are the most amazing girl I have ever met". He says what's on his mind. He doesn't censor himself or play games. --------------------------- Should I give it a chance? Low physical attraction really bothers me the most Why am I so shallow??? I would tread carefully (and also see if your attraction builds over time, very imp). You barely know the dude and he's putting out real quick. You mentioned him being all artsy and stuff. Usually they are impulsive and tend to run with their emotions and so because they feel strong emotions (for you) tend to jump to conclusions real quick i.e -'long term relationship', 'marriage'. When their emotions go at an all time low, they'll usually bail real quick too.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I would tread carefully (and also see if your attraction builds over time, very imp). You barely know the dude and he's putting out real quick. You mentioned him being all artsy and stuff. Usually they are impulsive and tend to run with their emotions and so because they feel strong emotions (for you) tend to jump to conclusions real quick i.e -'long term relationship', 'marriage'. When their emotions go at an all time low, they'll usually bail real quick too. This is true. It's also a part of the appeal as I am very emotional and impulsive myself but can wake up tomorrow with all my emotions gone. I am very aware of all that. I have no doubt that he is feeling those things now, but for how long? This is not a huge concern at this stage, I am more trying to figure out what I am feeling.
carhill Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 OP, even though I'm sure I was in this guys shoes for much of my adult life, I can see your perspective clearly. Your attraction is low and he misfires on reasonable areas of compatibility which are important to you. So, be honest with him and move on. I always respected (and in some cases remained platonic friends with) women who were straightforward about their lack of interest and/or romantic 'connection' with me. Continue mining that 1%. At some point, you'll realize the relative importance of that mining operation to your life as a whole. Hope it works out
temporaryvisa Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 But that elimantes 99% of the population. Out of those 1%, some are taken, some are not itnerested in me and some are just bad personality matches. I will end up alone if I am that strict with the physical attraction thing. ...So then, what exactly do you wanna do? :S It's not something /we/ can help you with... "Super hot guys" will have their looks fade. Usually they're conceited too. Usually they have no sense of modesty, and know how easily they can "Get" women. That's why I'm happy my physical type is what most women would find odd. Phew.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I know he is bad at math but he is a musician, I mean I can't play an instrument. We are just talented in different ways. The talented in different ways thing is valid but the important point is that you literally said "He is not overly smart". I dated a woman once who was terrible at arithmetic, but talented in many other ways. In fact she was one of the most intelligent people I ever met, despite her strange arithmetic handicap, and for whatever reason was great at logic despite the arithmetic thing. I would have never walked away from a date with her thinking "she is not overly smart". Neither should you, if his talent is adequate, but just distributed differently than yours. Also, it's not as if mathmatically inclined musicians are rare. Also, I can buy him some cologne and fatten him up. He has a good height and both structure. Maybe I can fix him up? Someone else will save me the trouble of addressing the whole "fix him" syndrome... I forgot to say that I am from Eastern Europe and he learned few phrases in my language as a suprise. That's really sweet, actually, biggest plus about this guy so far I think. Gawd, my self-esteem must be rock bottom if I am this pleased that a guy is this into me. Pretty much. Here, let's play swap the roles. Give me some advice: I went out with the girl I've been posting about. You know, the one who messages me a lot and tells me how great she thinks my profile is. Well it turns out her pictures were pretty much accurate, she's a bit heavy about the middle and, I don't know, there's just something kind of odd about her face. Also there was no physical interaction/encouragement at all, - those subtle signs I can usually pick up on and that feel so good. But she wore a snazzy hat and probably would look better with her makeup done differently. Anyway, she picked out a great restaurant, and it turns out she's an awesome cook too! She also remembered that I mentioned my favorite dessert, and ordered it for me as a surprise. But when we started talking literature and stuff, she asked me "who's Descartes?". Her job is decent although I kind of get the feeling I'll always be pulling all the weight there. Not really a problem, since I can do that. Also, she seems very honest, and I'm pretty sure we could go out if I want to. After the date, she told me how accomplished and secure I seem, and also that she's sure I'm as talented in the bedroom as I am in conversation. That was a big plus! So what do you guys think? You mentioned him being all artsy and stuff. Usually they are impulsive and tend to run with their emotions and so because they feel strong emotions (for you) tend to jump to conclusions real quick i.e -'long term relationship', 'marriage'. Why generalize when there is so much specific detail to consider here? Although this may be a first, someone saying that male musicians want to run into marriage quickly. Nice switch from the normal groupie accusations.
Jilly Bean Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think I have tried to build him up so much in my head so that I can trick myself into being physically attracted to him. He told me that when we met online he had a feeling that I am a girl he will one day marry The first one is the reason I cautioned you in your other thread to NOT over-invest in strangers before meeting. The second is a HUGE red flag, and not something you should be flattered by, but should be highly concerned about. For someone to say that someone they never met is the person they think they're going to marry is crazy. See it for what it is. Maybe I can fix him up? Uh, no. You can't change people, and shouldn't want to. Just really stop spending a month talking to someone every day in advance of meeting. It creates fantasy, illusion and false expectations. Date in real life, not in cyberland, and then there won't be so much crash and burn.
Art_Critic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 But that elimantes 99% of the population. Out of those 1%, some are taken, some are not itnerested in me and some are just bad personality matches. I will end up alone if I am that strict with the physical attraction thing. Physcial attraction is my weakest point as I tend to be only attracted to super hot guys. The top quote is a direct result of the bottom quote.. Who isn't attracted to the hottest guys or girls.. Everybody is attracted to them. What you have to do is stop and realize that looks aren't everything.. we all get old and wrinkly and adjust yourself accordingly. I'm not saying you go out with guys that you find repulsive.. I'm saying to be more open minded about their looks.
Star Gazer Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think you need to stop investing so much time and energy into someone you've never met, and thereafter analyze him and the date to death.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 WintersNightTraveler, I really like the way you write and think (no false flattery here). If I were to give you advice on that imaginary scenario, I would tell you that you sound desparate and not to string the girl along. As for why this guy doesn't come across as overly smart, it's just the overall vibe and the way he talks and topics he talks about. He is probably of about average intelligence. I attempted to talk to him about the upcoming Australian election and he barely knows who the current PM is. He can't really discuss it even on a very basic level. He also didn't know what a PhD is. When I told him I have a PhD he had NO clue what it means or even that doctoral degrees exist, let alone anything else. Maybe this is more common than I think but I have never met anyone so far that didn't know what it is.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I think you need to stop investing so much time and energy into someone you've never met, and thereafter analyze him and the date to death. Eh star, that's the way I am and have always been. I actually think that this is a step up from analyzing what my married boss said or did while had a crush on him. At least this has some small chance to turn into something real.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Thank you. Don't be desperate, and don't string the guy along. If you can stop overanalyzing, great, but I think people overestimate how possible that is for some of us. However, you aren't even following up on the results of your analysis. That's a real problem. Otherwise agreed with Jilly and SG re investment, red flags, etc.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 The top quote is a direct result of the bottom quote.. Who isn't attracted to the hottest guys or girls.. Everybody is attracted to them. What you have to do is stop and realize that looks aren't everything.. we all get old and wrinkly and adjust yourself accordingly. I'm not saying you go out with guys that you find repulsive.. I'm saying to be more open minded about their looks. Exactly. I really need to lower my standards there. Especially because I am not incredibly hot myself, just kind of pretty - so those guy are really out of my league.
carhill Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Maybe this is more common than I think but I have never met anyone so far that didn't know what it is. Perhaps it's circumstantial to your location but I can tell you, growing up in a somewhat smallish rural city, I knew what a doctorate was by the time I took the SAT's (an aptitude test in high school), or prior, and I never completed college. Obviously, I didn't know the particulars of the subject matter and how a doctorate program worked, but knew the essentials of the progression of education. TBH, if you asked me pointed questions about Obama (or your PM), I could tell you very little. That's more to do with my disinterest in wasting my valuable time and energy on politics and instead 'wasting' it on more important things like getting out of my divorce intact or arranging the particulars of my mother's end-of-life care. I call it 'priortization'. You, unfortunately, have no way of knowing this man's (or any stranger you meet) current priorities. Regardless, your overall 'feel' is ambivalent to disinterested, and that's valid. I often feel that way with women I meet. It's normal. Like others have suggested, spend less time building up things online and meet more quickly and get to know the person in that realm.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Perhaps it's circumstantial to your location but I can tell you, growing up in a somewhat smallish rural city, I knew what a doctorate was by the time I took the SAT's (an aptitude test in high school), or prior, and I never completed college. Obviously, I didn't know the particulars of the subject matter and how a doctorate program worked, but knew the essentials of the progression of education. TBH, if you asked me pointed questions about Obama (or your PM), I could tell you very little. That's more to do with my disinterest in wasting my valuable time and energy on politics and instead 'wasting' it on more important things like getting out of my divorce intact or arranging the particulars of my mother's end-of-life care. I call it 'priortization'. You, unfortunately, have no way of knowing this man's (or any stranger you meet) current priorities. Regardless, your overall 'feel' is ambivalent to disinterested, and that's valid. I often feel that way with women I meet. It's normal. Like others have suggested, spend less time building up things online and meet more quickly and get to know the person in that realm. It struck me as really strange that he didn't know anything about progression of education. And no I am not talking about the topic at all - there was no chance in hell to even get around to the very basics of that. As for politics, he literally knew NOTHING. I think everyone should know at least the basics of current affairs.
meerkat stew Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 He also didn't know what a PhD is. She: "I have a PhD." He: "That's ok honey, we can just be real careful and always use condoms."
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