Still single? What's wrong with you?

[Woggle]

Make sure your future husband never reads this... Do you think a man would like it if he knew his wife is "settling" for him. Would he not rather have his wife be very much in love with him, find him very attractive, admire him, need him and only him in her life because she knows he can make her happy?

 

I think most men should assume their wives are settling. It seems that most married women feel like they are no matter how good he treats them.

[SassyKitten]

Women are biologically programmed to seek insemination and impregnation by the available fertile male(s) who are the most biologically fit, which translates to a relatively high level of physical fitness and sexual desirability.

 

Absolutely. That is one luxury men have that women don't when it comes to finding a life partner, time!

 

It was a well written article, coming from someone who has been cursed with bad luck from the beginning. I didn't like the way the article ended though, with "It will happen one day." Most people around me have been paired off since I was 13, I'm almost 30 now, and having these thoughts of "It will happen one day" only makes me more angry when it doesn't happen within, say, the next month. When morbidly obese women around me who are younger than me are married, while I get a lot of male attention but finding a man who is interested in me for more than just sex, and who actually wants to relate to me as (gasp!) a human being, is impossible.

 

I am one of those women described as intimidating who is often told she needs to tone it down. To me this is bull****, it's like I supposedly have to give up 50 years of progress for women just to get a man to like me. As much as I hate being chronically single, I would rather die just that than dumb myself down and resigning myself to a life of being some man's arm candy. That is, untill I'm too old and am traded in for a younger model.

 

In any case, the best way to go about this dating thing to me is to be proactive about getting out there and meeting people (not dating, making friends of both sexes!!), and not to settle for the first seemingly decent person who comes along.

 

And I am terrified of love never happening for me more than anything, not to mention I have 10 years before menopause could happen for me any day now, so it is impossible to not be desperate.

[Woggle]

You are not even 30 yet so you have plenty of time. I am not saying to dumb yourself down but you can come as being anti-male and bitter and that repells men. I am not saying you are those things but I can see why a man would get that image. Men don't want a relationship to be a constant battle and that is what they might be thinking.

[SassyKitten]

You are not even 30 yet so you have plenty of time. I am not saying to dumb yourself down but you can come as being anti-male and bitter and that repells men. I am not saying you are those things but I can see why a man would get that image. Men don't want a relationship to be a constant battle and that is what they might be thinking.

 

I don't feel like time is something I have a lot of. Especially seeing as for a while, it has been critical for me to know the father of my children for at least 5 years before I have them so that way I know that I can trust him.

 

From now on though, I am going to stop being such a giving person in the early stages of a relationship. Being just that and then not having the man reciprocate and then being dropped, and having my time and energy wasted, is the most emotionally draining thing ever.

[Eeyore79]

When morbidly obese women around me who are younger than me are married, while I get a lot of male attention but finding a man who is interested in me for more than just sex, and who actually wants to relate to me as (gasp!) a human being, is impossible.

 

Nobody wants a morbidly obese woman as arm candy; the only reason a guy would date someone like her is if he genuinely likes her personality and wants to be with her, hence why she's married. A guy will want a successful, attractive woman such as yourself on his arm even if he doesn't want to marry you - so you waste your time on losers who are just stringing you along for sex or whatever, and hence you're not married. Plus the obese woman is probably married to a guy who you wouldn't want anyway - he probably isn't attractive and had no other options, so he was happy to marry her. The guys you date are probably attractive and have a lot of options, hence why they haven't jumped into marriage.

 

In my opinion, finding someone to marry requires not wasting your time with guys who aren't marriage prospects. If a guy isn't your type, or he isn't ready for a committed relationship, or he seems to be stringing you along for sex or arm candy, you need to dump him asap and look for a better prospect. You need to start viewing relationships as a preliminary process leading to marriage - if it isn't leading to marriage, don't waste your time. An attractive woman needs to develop a really good people-picker so she can weed out the time wasters from the genuine marriage prospects, and she has to be ruthless in breaking up with the time wasters, otherwise the time wasters waste her time and she ends up being 30 and single.

[WalkInThePark]

You mean, it's better to find someone with whom you can be happy with. Right?

 

I am not a native speaker...

[SassyKitten]

In my opinion, finding someone to marry requires not wasting your time with guys who aren't marriage prospects. If a guy isn't your type, or he isn't ready for a committed relationship, or he seems to be stringing you along for sex or arm candy, you need to dump him asap and look for a better prospect. You need to start viewing relationships as a preliminary process leading to marriage - if it isn't leading to marriage, don't waste your time. An attractive woman needs to develop a really good people-picker so she can weed out the time wasters from the genuine marriage prospects, and she has to be ruthless in breaking up with the time wasters, otherwise the time wasters waste her time and she ends up being 30 and single.

 

Exactly what I am trying to do. Except that with my spectacularly horrible failure rate, I tend to go into any new relationship wanting for him to be the one, so that I can finally escape this hideous minefield called dating. And I know that this wanting him to be the one tends to sabotage things.

 

Oh well, I've made a decision recently that if things are still like this when I'm 33, I'm freezing my eggs, so at least I've bought myself more time!

[Eeyore79]

From now on though, I am going to stop being such a giving person in the early stages of a relationship. Being just that and then not having the man reciprocate and then being dropped, and having my time and energy wasted, is the most emotionally draining thing ever.

 

This is why I said you need to view dating as an extended interview process for marriage. You need to establish whether the guy is a good marriage prospect, and don't invest too much into him until you're sure he is. You're investing into guys before you've properly assessed whether they're worthy, and then you're finding out you wasted your time because they're not what you thought they were.

[Ilovecake]

Do you not fear being old and alone one day? Do you not envy the women who settled and are in a secure relationship, don't you sometimes wish that could be you?

 

No I don't envy them at all and I don't see anything guaranteeing security in their relationships. They can end in a blink of an eye. Ask me that in a year I might feel very differently but right now I'm going through a stage in my life where I'm really enjoying my freedom and actually will go as far as saying I feel a little sorry for my friends that are tied down. Marrying someone simply because I'm afraid of being alone sound like a death sentence to me. I don’t feel that I’m alone at all; I have great friends and an amazing family.

[Eeyore79]

I tend to go into any new relationship wanting for him to be the one, so that I can finally escape this hideous minefield called dating. And I know that this wanting him to be the one tends to sabotage things.

 

It doesn't exactly sabotage things as much as it makes you likely to waste your time in the hope that he's "The One". I know it's difficult when you're desperate for this guy to finally be Him, but if you fool yourself that you've met Him when you haven't, you're just delaying finding the real Him and wasting time you haven't got to spare. You need to assess guys realistically, and get out asap if he's not The One, so you can move onto the next prospect and not waste time.

[Gallaxia]

I am not a native speaker...

 

I wasn't picking on you, that wasn't my intention - it's just that those two statements could mean very different things.

[Ilovecake]

Is it also possible that some of those women (and men too) reached a point where they simply just re-assessed what's important to them and for whatever reason they decided that some previously held ideals/values are no longer as important to them anymore? Some people may consider that as settling, but it can also be just the process of maturing as we progress through the various stages of life.

 

This could very well be true and these women are probably very happy and content. It's just simply not for me. Settling isn't necessarily a bad thing just something I have not been able to do. If I feel like I'm compromising myself for the sake of a relationship I simply end it and move on. I used to think that I would meet someone that would be this perfect fit but the older I get the more I realize that does not exist and in order to have that relationship you have make compromises I’m simply not willing to make. I’m not going to give up looking but the older I get the less romantic and more practical the idea of a relationship becomes.

[westrock]

I used to think that I would meet someone that would be this perfect fit but the older I get the more I realize that does not exist and in order to have that relationship you have make compromises I’m simply not willing to make.

 

Can you give an example of the type of compromise you're talking about?

 

I think the challenge some people are facing is that they have difficulty figuring out where it's okay to settle and where they should refuse to settle.

 

Ideally they would like to have it all (ie. that "perfect fit") and if they can't have it all they will hold out refusing to "settle" on the basis that they just haven't been "lucky" enough and that their pefect fit will some day come along (and in the case of women who want children, hopefully before their biological clock runs out). Obviously one should not just accept anyone who comes along, however people find themselves struggling with the issue of settling if they don't appreciate (1) that one doesn't need to have it all to be very happy and content in a relationship, and (2) what qualities are truly important for a successful long term relationship.

 

As we get older and become more mature we realize what's important to us and what's not important to us in a relationship. In other words we figure out what we really want not just what we ideally want. Once we know what we really want, it's not hard to "settle" when it comes to the non-important things, and it becomes easier to refuse to settle on the important things.

 

I think Sanman summed it up best:

 

I think the question of settling is very much tied into the question of love. I see many people say that mention attraction and looks as being part of that package. Yet, being swept off of your feet or attracted has very little to do with the skills/traits required for a long-term commitment. You won't date someone you do not find attractive. What happens when the partner you once found attractive chanages in unattractive ways (gaining weight, baldness, etc). Will you accept them or will it turn your stomach to sleep with them? People often let attraction, good sex, romantic gestures/gifts, override many other factors in a relationship. Yet once there, caring, companionship, congruency in money matters and raising a family, and a willingness to stay together and work through many things determines happiness of marriage. The couples I have talked to towards the end were more concerned with companionship. As we age, we are forced to rely more on others and hope that those concerned for us will care enough to make the right decisions.

[Ilovecake]

With me it could be anything and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong it’s just how I am. It really depends on the person but sometimes they’re minute idiosyncrasies such as the way they chew to more important issues like dealing with his social needs that might not fit mine, or sexual needs that might not coincide with mine or beliefs and ideologies. I’m just too stubborn to say OK I’ll deal with this, this and this in order to have a relationship. Of course I do not nor have I ever had the desire to breed therefore to me it’s simply not worth the effort just so I can wake up next to some hairy, smelly beast for the rest of my life.

I think in order to have a successful relationship you have to be selfless and extremely forgiving. You have to learn to accept things you normally would not accept from other people.

[PJKino]

Not attractive to women

[Gallaxia]

Not attractive to women

 

Are you referring to you? If so, and that's what you truly believe, then develop a healthy, sharp sense of humor. You won't be able to run (away fast enough) from all the girls then. Seriously.

[PJKino]

Are you referring to you? If so, and that's what you truly believe, then develop a healthy, sharp sense of humor. You won't be able to run (away fast enough) from all the girls then. Seriously.

 

Im pretty funny and girls think im a sweetheart but it hasnt helped me get laid..

 

All this looks mean nothing to women talk and all you have to be is funny or confident is the biggets crock of bs ever

 

A women still has to be somewhat physcially attracted to you on some level..

[Mad Max]

A women still has to be somewhat physcially attracted to you on some level..

 

 

That's a given. Some place more emphasis on looks than others, but physical attraction has to exist.

[OceanTropic]

No I don't envy them at all and I don't see anything guaranteeing security in their relationships. They can end in a blink of an eye. Ask me that in a year I might feel very differently but right now I'm going through a stage in my life where I'm really enjoying my freedom and actually will go as far as saying I feel a little sorry for my friends that are tied down. Marrying someone simply because I'm afraid of being alone sound like a death sentence to me. I don’t feel that I’m alone at all; I have great friends and an amazing family.

 

But what about that weekend your friends decide to spend with their families? Or your brothers and sisters who decide to spend romantic evenings with their loved ones? What about when you're 80 and everyone else has daughters and sons to take care of them and visit, who will you have?

 

I'm playing devils advocate, i'm just throwing out scenarios there. Its great that you are enjoying your freedom, and I think its awesome you are happy with it. But I always think ahead of time and wonder what it will be like to be 80 years old and alone. Do you not think about that at all? How are you so fearless?

[AD1980]

That's a given. Some place more emphasis on looks than others, but physical attraction has to exist.

 

I agree.

 

People make it seem like personality or "confidence" will make a women attracted to you even if she finds you repuslive which is not true

[Ilovecake]

But what about that weekend your friends decide to spend with their families? Or your brothers and sisters who decide to spend romantic evenings with their loved ones? What about when you're 80 and everyone else has daughters and sons to take care of them and visit, who will you have?

 

I'm playing devils advocate, i'm just throwing out scenarios there. Its great that you are enjoying your freedom, and I think its awesome you are happy with it. But I always think ahead of time and wonder what it will be like to be 80 years old and alone. Do you not think about that at all? How are you so fearless?

 

When my friends want to have a romantic evening then they do. If I want to have a romantic evening then I do but it doesn't mean I want to be tied down to that person for ever. Not everyone had sons and daughters to take care of them and some that do aren't being taken care of very well, there are no guarantees. Hopefully I'll be able to afford a really hot 35 year old male nurse. When I think ahead to 80, if I'm lucky enough to live that long, I don't imagine being with someone I simply tolerate just so I'm guaranteed a fresh adult diaper. Most of my friends are married or in serious relationships and I feel absolutely stifled when I’m around them for too long. They don’t even realize how much they complain about each other’s habits and bicker about the most mundane stuff. How disrespectfully they treat each other simply out of habit and because they feel entitled. It’s just an automatic, routine response.

[Mad Max]

It's often an enormous amount of physical attraction that needs to exist. A woman can say I look good, but still not be sexually attracted to me.

 

 

BS. Do you know how many people are that physically attractive? I'd bet it's less than 10%. How do you explain the average looking guys that still get hot women? I doubt the women were so physically attracted to them from the start.

 

 

A woman can say anything. She can also say she hates me, yet want to f*ck my brains out.

[zengirl]

We are biological organisms first and foremost with maybe 10,000 or so years of human civilization/culture overlaid on top of that. That's a pretty thin coating of civilization over billions of years of evolution.

 

Our physical bodies were evolutionarily designed as storage, transport, and replication vehicles for our genetic material/DNA.

 

As a mammalian species, we are biologically programmed to focus and direct our lives on finding suitable fertile mates, mating with each other, and raising our spawn.

 

Spending one's lifetime fighting against our deeply-ingrained biological and genetic programming is, in the long run, a loser's game.

 

If you really believe this, go live in the jungle like a caveman. Either you buy that we've evolved sociologically beyond our biology and created civilization and all that entails, or you don't buy in, but these silly explanations for why we should "Go with our animal instincts" are generally pretty shallow. People have evolved culturally and thus stopped (or rather severely slowed) evolving biologically. The same evolution that competes with these "biological" urges you suggest also leads us to live indoors, in buildings we create, explore and catalog the world through science, religion, philosophy, and art, and live in any climate we wish, as well as produce our own food in well-regulated ways that make the natural cycle of feast and famine irrelevant. I'm pretty cool with accepting all the cultural evolutions instead of living in the jungle, myself.

 

It's often an enormous amount of physical attraction that needs to exist. A woman can say I look good, but still not be sexually attracted to me.

 

Aesthetic looks have less to do with physical attraction than people think. One man can be aesthetically and classically more handsome, but I can have no physical attraction to him. Another could be much less handsome than he first (aesthetically and classically) and I could want to screw his brains out. Physical attraction is made of a lot of moving parts: chemical, emotional, intellectual, a bit of "Who the hell knows?" and a dash of the aesthetic.

[Gallaxia]

If you really believe this, go live in the jungle like a caveman. Either you buy that we've evolved sociologically beyond our biology and created civilization and all that entails, or you don't buy in, but these silly explanations for why we should "Go with our animal instincts" are generally pretty shallow. People have evolved culturally and thus stopped (or rather severely slowed) evolving biologically. The same evolution that competes with these "biological" urges you suggest also leads us to live indoors, in buildings we create, explore and catalog the world through science, religion, philosophy, and art, and live in any climate we wish, as well as produce our own food in well-regulated ways that make the natural cycle of feast and famine irrelevant. I'm pretty cool with accepting all the cultural evolutions instead of living in the jungle, myself.

 

 

 

Aesthetic looks have less to do with physical attraction than people think. One man can be aesthetically and classically more handsome, but I can have no physical attraction to him. Another could be much less handsome than he first (aesthetically and classically) and I could want to screw his brains out. Physical attraction is made of a lot of moving parts: chemical, emotional, intellectual, a bit of "Who the hell knows?" and a dash of the aesthetic.

 

 

Paragraph 2: Very true!

[NancyBotwin]

This article wasn't helpful at all. What about all the other articles about women getting married and having kids later in life because they are focused on their careers and other life goals that have nothing to do with marriage? The article assumes that all single women want to be married, and that's ridiculous in this day and age.