Still single? What's wrong with you?

[Ilovecake]

As a woman who will soon be 40 I'm not quite sure that is has much to do with luck as the author of the article said. The pattern I'm noticing is that a lot of women who are married or in long term relationships simple settled. They decided to compromise a lot of their ideals and values for the security of a relationship. It’s something I have not been able to do.

[OceanTropic]

As a woman who will soon be 40 I'm not quite sure that is has much to do with luck as the author of the article said. The pattern I'm noticing is that a lot of women who are married or in long term relationships simple settled. They decided to compromise a lot of their ideals and values for the security of a relationship. It’s something I have not been able to do.

 

Do you not fear being old and alone one day? Do you not envy the women who settled and are in a secure relationship, don't you sometimes wish that could be you?

[Sphere]

Do you not fear being old and alone one day? Do you not envy the women who settled and are in a secure relationship, don't you sometimes wish that could be you?

 

I'd sooner die on my own than be in an abusive relationship, a tedious relationship where I have settled, that's no way to live and I wouldn't wish such a fate on my own worst enemy.

 

I think it's a great thing that people are choosing their partners wisely and not just rushing ahead, there's been too many bad marriages and too many children growing up with a parents or parents and it's got to stop.

 

It seems as though you are placing your fear on to women who are fine being single, if a woman is in her 40's and is single still searching for the right man then kudos to her, I hope she finds him and to those women who have found their man and want to spend their life with him, I say kudos too. To the women that settle in a relationship, I say, you're wasting your life, but that is ultimately your decision, kudos to you too.

[OceanTropic]

I'd sooner die on my own than be in an abusive relationship, a tedious relationship where I have settled, that's no way to live and I wouldn't wish such a fate on my own worst enemy.

 

I think it's a great thing that people are choosing their partners wisely and not just rushing ahead, there's been too many bad marriages and too many children growing up with a parents or parents and it's got to stop.

 

It seems as though you are placing your fear on to women who are fine being single, if a woman is in her 40's and is single still searching for the right man then kudos to her, I hope she finds him and to those women who have found their man and want to spend their life with him, I say kudos too. To the women that settle in a relationship, I say, you're wasting your life, but that is ultimately your decision, kudos to you too.

 

 

Since when does settling mean being in an abusive relationship? You can settle with amazing people, just people you're not in love with. And am I wrong to ask about the fear of being alone?

 

We are social creatures, and we all fear loneliness do we not? I think its perfectly appropriate to ask. And for women who settled in a relationship, I say kudos to THEM because maybe they have an amazing family, great kids and a great life that they enjoy, that they might not have had if they were still waiting for the right person.

 

For the record I don't think there is such a thing as the "right" person either. There are many people we are capable of settling down with and having families with. Many people we can be happy with, so the "this hasn't happened yet" is either really bad luck or another factor that weighs in. There is no way that someone who is 40 years old has not met ONE decent person they could have settled down with. I have met plenty and im only in my mid 20's. When I get to my 30's then its time to settle down, because any older and you pose health risks if you want kids. Having a child at 40 is really late, you barely have the energy and by the time the kid graduates high school the parent will be 60, thats like my grandparents.

 

I'm not saying you MUST settle, but eventually if you haven't found the "perfect" person, then its either settling or dying alone without a family. I choose settle.

[Gallaxia]

But who says single and lonely mean the same thing? You're only lonely if you choose to be.

 

Speaking for myself, I've had some pretty amazing things happen that I know for sure would never have happened in my life recently, had I been attached.

 

Just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean it won't. Unless you want it that way.

[Chicago_Guy]

I'm still single but my take is that it's because I'm unwilling to settle

 

 

This is pretty much the crux of my situation too.

 

Out of 5 of my friends that got married, 3 have admitted to me that they were never "in love" with their husbands. One had another relationship with an ex all through dating her now husband. She was hoping desparetly that the ex will propose, but he ended up dumping her. She then married her "back up" guy.

 

Another friend was dating a guy for 6 years but kept cheating on him and breaking up with him constantly to pursue other men (because he just "didn't do it" for her on a physical level). She even got preganant and engaged to another man but he ended up breaking it off few days before the wedding. She went back to the 6 years guy who married her and is raising another man's child. She now constantly tells me how everything about him "disgusts her" and sex with him "makes her want to vomit". Yep, stuff dreams are made of.

 

And when you take into account people you don't know well who are not going to be open about this kind of stuff....."marriage" as a holy grail is laughable.

 

Wow - stories like this remind me of why men need to be careful about whom they choose to marry. Your friend who was the single mother and married that guy so he would raise her child makes me sick to my stomach. If he really "disgusts her" and having sex with him "makes her want to vomit," then I have to assume that the only reason she married him was to take financial advantage of him - that is an extremely selfish reason to marry someone.

[Sphere]

but who says single and lonely mean the same thing? You're only lonely if you choose to be.

 

Speaking for myself, i've had some pretty amazing things happen that i know for sure would never have happened in my life recently, had i been attached.

 

Just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean it won't. Unless you want it that way.

 

bingo.

 

[MrNate]

I think 'settling' is part of the reason why we have such a high divorce rate in the USA. There's a fine line between compromise and sacrificing things that make you happy for the sake of not being alone anymore.

 

If your life isn't great before going into a relationship, what makes one think by engaging in one, that their problems will be solved? If you're single and your life is sucks, surely we don't expect a bf/gf to solve this problem? Because that leads to behaving in a clingy fashion.

 

I say it's best to seek personal happiness first. And that if you can't see yourself marrying a particular person, don't go through with it, because not only would you be lying to yourself, you'd be lying to everyone else.

 

Fortunately, we will often run across many types of guys/girls. What you want and what you need in a partner are two different things. So take your time and find someone who makes you happy.

[MrNate]

But who says single and lonely mean the same thing? You're only lonely if you choose to be.

 

Speaking for myself, I've had some pretty amazing things happen that I know for sure would never have happened in my life recently, had I been attached.

 

Just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean it won't. Unless you want it that way.

 

This. If one is willing to sacrifice their needs/desires/etc. just for the sake of having a partner, something is wrong.

[Feelin Frisky]

Many people are nosy, have narrow lives and interests, that someone else's reasoning or happenstance behind deviation from their paths becomes a sensation to them. I expect that and can't fall into putting myself on trial to answer such folks impulsive judgmetalities. I just tell them if you lived my reality instead of your's you'd be compassionate. But you can't extend yourself that far--it just not human. So either get off who I've been and get on who I am or what my ideas are or f#&k off.

[Woggle]

I don't even know what settling means. I think we will reach a point where pretty much any woman who is with a man will consider herself to be settling. That is what it seems like sometimes but maybe I am just being paranoid.

[Gallaxia]

This. If one is willing to sacrifice their needs/desires/etc. just for the sake of having a partner, something is wrong.

 

You got it. And the scary thing? There are some that aren't even aware that they have. They send the pain below

 

So either get off who I've been and get on who I am or what my ideas are or f#&k off.

 

HAHA, True. I had to tell someone this a little while ago.

[westrock]

As a woman who will soon be 40 I'm not quite sure that is has much to do with luck as the author of the article said. The pattern I'm noticing is that a lot of women who are married or in long term relationships simple settled. They decided to compromise a lot of their ideals and values for the security of a relationship. It’s something I have not been able to do.

Is it also possible that some of those women (and men too) reached a point where they simply just re-assessed what's important to them and for whatever reason they decided that some previously held ideals/values are no longer as important to them anymore? Some people may consider that as settling, but it can also be just the process of maturing as we progress through the various stages of life.

[westrock]

I think 'settling' is part of the reason why we have such a high divorce rate in the USA. There's a fine line between compromise and sacrificing things that make you happy for the sake of not being alone anymore.

 

I think it depends on what a person is compromising and sacrificing on versus what they are not compromising and not sacrificing on. Otherwise, one can just as easily say that not-settling is also part of the reason for such a high divorce rate.

[Sanman]

I think the question of settling is very much tied into the question of love. I see many people say that mention attraction and looks as being part of that package. Yet, being swept off of your feet or attracted has very little to do with the skills/traits required for a long-term commitment. You won't date someone you do not find attractive. What happens when the partner you once found attractive chanages in unattractive ways (gaining weight, baldness, etc). Will you accept them or will it turn your stomach to sleep with them? People often let attraction, good sex, romantic gestures/gifts, override many other factors in a relationship. Yet once there, caring, companionship, congruency in money matters and raising a family, and a willingness to stay together and work through many things determines happiness of marriage. The couples I have talked to towards the end were more concerned with companionship. As we age, we are forced to rely more on others and hope that those concerned for us will care enough to make the right decisions. I have even seen couples in their nineties die within days of each other. It used to be that simple. People harp on the abusive relationships, anger, disgust, etc of marriage. That is simply people not willing to work together. One benefit of the older traditional ways was that people were forced to work things out due to societal pressure. It had negative outcomes as well in the form of abuse, but often it forced people to talk and work things out. Without that, it is left up to an individual to determine if the other person has the character to work things out as very little is taboo anymore.

 

To bring up the college analogy I had earlier in the thread, what happens when people stop expecting kids to go to college right after secondary school? When it becomes acceptable to continue to apply to your dream school year after year in hopes of getting in? Eventually some get left without an education rather than swallowing a tough pill and settling for something other than their preconceived notion of what is best.

[WalkInThePark]

I appreciate your honest answer But aren't you afraid that you will never find this person? Aren't you afraid of dying alone? No kids or grandkids to take care of you and miss you when you go?

 

I agree that you should find someone you are happy with, that you love, but what if that person never comes? Its been 40 years and you still haven't found that person, aren't you afraid you never will?

 

Of course sometimes I am afraid that this person will never come. Or not so much afraid, rather sad. But what is the alternative? Spend years with someone you are only lukewarm about? Now that seems like the real hell to me. If you are not in love, if you don't think you are incredibly lucky to be with the person you share your life with, what sense does it make?

I have seen my parents be unhappy for 42 years until my mother died. Apparently she wanted the presence of my father so much when she died, that she chose to die at a moment when he was not next to her bed (now I really think that she did that on purpose - she had a damn strong character).

 

And dying alone? Is that such a disaster? I presume that I will most probably die from some nasty cancer since all my family members die from it at some point (no heart diseases in our genes). So most probably I will be in hospital surrounded by some nice nurses.

[WalkInThePark]

I'm not saying you MUST settle, but eventually if you haven't found the "perfect" person, then its either settling or dying alone without a family. I choose settle.

 

It is not about perfection. It is about finding someone with whom you can become happy. Not a lot of people qualify for that. If a lot would, then where is the uniqueness of the person? It would mean that as long as the person is decent, you can live with them. It takes more to stay together for many years...

[WalkInThePark]

I'm not saying you MUST settle, but eventually if you haven't found the "perfect" person, then its either settling or dying alone without a family. I choose settle.

 

Make sure your future husband never reads this... Do you think a man would like it if he knew his wife is "settling" for him. Would he not rather have his wife be very much in love with him, find him very attractive, admire him, need him and only him in her life because she knows he can make her happy?

[Eeyore79]

There MUST be something that the opposite sex doesn't like. Otherwise, why WOULD a gorgeous, smart girl be single?

 

I'm 30 and unmarried, as well as being reasonably attractive and (I hope) a mostly decent person. I can give a few reasons why I'm single:

 

1) I'm shy and quiet, and don't get out and meet many people, so it was difficult to find a good partner because of the limited options.

 

2) I'm often not interested in the guys who are interested in me; I had a lot of offers which I turned down. The ones who approach an attractive woman are often cocky and full of themselves, while the quiet bookish sort of guys I actually fancy tended not to approach me, and I was too shy to approach them.

 

3) I was hurt early on, and found it difficult to trust again, so I avoided proper relationships for a long time.

 

Now I'm older and wiser, I've realised that I've been dating the wrong sort of guys; I have the maturity to understand what I'm actually attracted to, and the confidence to go after the guys I fancy (who usually wouldn't have the nerve to approach me).

[Gallaxia]

It is not about perfection. It is about finding someone with whom you can become happy. Not a lot of people qualify for that. If a lot would, then where is the uniqueness of the person? It would mean that as long as the person is decent, you can live with them. It takes more to stay together for many years...

 

 

You mean, it's better to find someone with whom you can be happy with. Right?

[zengirl]

Are any good relationships really ever formed out of fear?

 

I don't even know what settling means. I think we will reach a point where pretty much any woman who is with a man will consider herself to be settling. That is what it seems like sometimes but maybe I am just being paranoid.

 

Wow. Now you're being mean towards men and women! Do you really think men are that bad that nobody gal wants to be with one?

 

Since when does settling mean being in an abusive relationship? You can settle with amazing people, just people you're not in love with. And am I wrong to ask about the fear of being alone?

 

I don't think I'm afraid of being alone, but I'm 25 and have never really considered I would be. (In some ways, I've been pretty lucky in love, I think.) I can't imagine choosing a partner based on that. It just seems like it would lead to disaster.

 

Besides: Why does one have to be totally and wholly alone without a partner? I know people who build whole communities and families as singles, even as they get much older. I understand it gets harder as you get older, but I don't believe it becomes impossible.

 

I do think one should make finding a partner a priority if they know they want it, but I don't believe in settling for anyone who I don't truly want to be with and see themselves with forever, happily. If I did, I'd be married already. If you see yourself happy in a loving relationship with someone forever, I don't consider that settling, no matter what seems to be "lacking" from the person in terms of perfection. I think striving for perfection is a trap as well.

 

But who says single and lonely mean the same thing? You're only lonely if you choose to be.

 

Speaking for myself, I've had some pretty amazing things happen that I know for sure would never have happened in my life recently, had I been attached.

 

Just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean it won't. Unless you want it that way.

 

Exactly. Single and lonely aren't the same.

[InceptorsRule]

We are biological organisms first and foremost with maybe 10,000 or so years of human civilization/culture overlaid on top of that. That's a pretty thin coating of civilization over billions of years of evolution.

 

Our physical bodies were evolutionarily designed as storage, transport, and replication vehicles for our genetic material/DNA.

 

As a mammalian species, we are biologically programmed to focus and direct our lives on finding suitable fertile mates, mating with each other, and raising our spawn.

 

Spending one's lifetime fighting against our deeply-ingrained biological and genetic programming is, in the long run, a loser's game.

[InceptorsRule]

And people wonder why many men would rather just be players and why I am so neurotic about my marriage. I would bet that the vast majority of married women feel this way about their husbands. Why trade the adoration of many women for the loathing and criticism of one?

 

"Realistic."

[InceptorsRule]

I disagree with this completely. She has a career goal and no one should be in the way of obtaining that goal. No one.

 

You yourself may regret what her actions are, but that has nothing to do with her. Having a boyfriend is not a requirment under any circumstance. She can do and see who she pleases. She has a career goal and I respect that. She doesnt need a boyfriend to invade her life and try to deflect her dreams. She can focus on relationships later, right now she has her goal and dreams first. She is a smart cookie in my book.

 

 

Career goals which do not ultimately further the objective of biological reproduction, or at least are not inconsistent with furtherance of the goal of biological reproduction, are counter-productive and will not lead a woman to "happiness."

[InceptorsRule]

Because men usually have more realistic expectations. We might fantasize about porn stars but we know they are fantasies. Women on the other hand actually want a George Clooney or they feel they are settling.

 

I disagree.

 

Women are biologically programmed to seek insemination and impregnation by the available fertile male(s) who are the most biologically fit, which translates to a relatively high level of physical fitness and sexual desirability.

 

They are also biologically programmed to raise those spawn to maturity with males who are best able to construct and maintain a robust nest.

 

 

When you understand that the male specified in paragraph 1 need not, and often IS not, the same person as the male in paragraph 2, you have gone 90% of the way towards a true understanding of female behavior.