Lipsy10 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Out of 5 of my friends that got married, 3 have admitted to me that they were never "in love" with their husbands. One had another relationship with an ex all through dating her now husband. She was hoping desparetly that the ex will propose, but he ended up dumping her. She then married her "back up" guy. Another friend was dating a guy for 6 years but kept cheating on him and breaking up with him constantly to pursue other men (because he just "didn't do it" for her on a physical level). She even got preganant and engaged to another man but he ended up breaking it off few days before the wedding. She went back to the 6 years guy who married her and is raising another man's child. She now constantly tells me how everything about him "disgusts her" and sex with him "makes her want to vomit". Yep, stuff dreams are made of. And when you take into account people you don't know well who are not going to be open about this kind of stuff....."marriage" as a holy grail is laughable. This is an example of unhappy single people who stock pile stories about other peoples relationships and use those stories to make themselves feel better about being single. What has any of that got to do with you!?! Seriously? A friend of mine was bit by dog thats not why I don't have a dog... I simply just don't like them. If your happy with your status then you wont need these stories to back up your decisions. And once again I don't think there is anything wrong with being single. I know lots of very happy single people. I use to be one.
LondonS Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 (edited) This topic is seriously annoying... who says being single is being miserable.. I can totally snap and have a boyfriend but guess what, I need to be single right now because I am focused on a successful Banking career and want an MBA...then again, I am not even 30 yet so things may be are different for someone who is 40.. On a different note.. I am yet to see a happy marriage, especially people who rush and marry early... Edited August 15, 2010 by LondonS
a_woman Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I suppose I just get annoyed by small minded people that question my path. Why should I be married and have kids if I don't want to? I don't criticise mothers for their fattie, shrieking kids!
snowbell Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Forgive my ignorance, but as long as you're happy who gives a f*ck if you're single, married, engaged, living in a cabin in the woods, the owner of five cats, a stereotypical fag hag, tone-deaf, Gary Busey, etc.?
westrock Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I can totally snap and have a boyfriend but guess what, I need to be single right now because I am focused on a successful Banking career and want an MBA...then again, I am not even 30 yet so things may be are different for someone who is 40.. On a different note.. I am yet to see a happy marriage, especially people who rush and marry early... Focus on your career, but don't ignore your personal life. If one of your life goals is to find a life partner, then you need to focus on that too. You can wait until you are in your 30's or 40's to find a partner but by then you may regret not paying more attention to your romantic life earlier when you were able to "totally snap and have a boyfriend". I suppose I just get annoyed by small minded people that question my path. Why should I be married and have kids if I don't want to? I don't criticise mothers for their fattie, shrieking kids! Yes, follow your path. There is nothing wrong with being single if that's what you want. It is just that the message from the author of CNN article in the OP's post is based on the premise that the author wants to get married.
AverageJoe Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Focus on your career, but don't ignore your personal life. If one of your life goals is to find a life partner, then you need to focus on that too. You can wait until you are in your 30's or 40's to find a partner but by then you may regret not paying more attention to your romantic life earlier when you were able to "totally snap and have a boyfriend". I disagree with this completely. She has a career goal and no one should be in the way of obtaining that goal. No one. You yourself may regret what her actions are, but that has nothing to do with her. Having a boyfriend is not a requirment under any circumstance. She can do and see who she pleases. She has a career goal and I respect that. She doesnt need a boyfriend to invade her life and try to deflect her dreams. She can focus on relationships later, right now she has her goal and dreams first. She is a smart cookie in my book.
Author Gallaxia Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 (edited) Focus on your career, but don't ignore your personal life. If one of your life goals is to find a life partner, then you need to focus on that too. We need to remove the negative connotations to being single. Sometimes it's not a matter of ignoring your personal life but (despite trying) a matter of having to wait for a person who matches you. I've seen plenty of successful people who haven't run into their equals yet. Forgive my ignorance, but as long as you're happy who gives a f*ck if you're single, married, engaged, living in a cabin in the woods, the owner of five cats, a stereotypical fag hag, tone-deaf, Gary Busey, etc.? Gary Busey? Yeesh! Welcome Snowbell. First round's on me, for that one. Edited August 16, 2010 by Gallaxia
OceanTropic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think that's bull. So far every woman or man I have met that is over 30 and single has something wrong with them (with the exceptions of course like widowers or cheaters). There MUST be something that the opposite sex doesn't like. Otherwise, why WOULD a gorgeous, smart girl be single?
brainygirl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think that's bull. So far every woman or man I have met that is over 30 and single has something wrong with them (with the exceptions of course like widowers or cheaters). There MUST be something that the opposite sex doesn't like. Otherwise, why WOULD a gorgeous, smart girl be single? Or have incredibly inrealistic expectations of their mate and the opposite sex. gorgeous, smart, and sexy are all in the eye of the beholder.
OceanTropic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Or have incredibly inrealistic expectations of their mate and the opposite sex. That's true, but if someone like her exists, why can't the same in the opposite sex? Why must a woman lower her expectations? And if she doesn't, must she be single her whole life?
jerbear Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 All the above. I was not ready, she was not ready, life styles were not in sync. As the author puts it, has not happened yet.
Woggle Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That's true, but if someone like her exists, why can't the same in the opposite sex? Why must a woman lower her expectations? And if she doesn't, must she be single her whole life? Because men usually have more realistic expectations. We might fantasize about porn stars but we know they are fantasies. Women on the other hand actually want a George Clooney or they feel they are settling.
OceanTropic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Because men usually have more realistic expectations. We might fantasize about porn stars but we know they are fantasies. Women on the other hand actually want a George Clooney or they feel they are settling. Not true. A smart woman knows there is no such thing as perfect, but its hard enough as it is to find a man who was raised similar to how she was, and who is physically attractive all the same. Actually now that I think about it, I HAVE dated men like this, but I have trouble finding men who I am physically attracted to, even if they are fit and attractive... you know what I mean? Besides there's nothing wrong with wanting a physically attractive man. After all isn't that how men spot a woman to begin with? Exactly! Then again its much easier for a woman to appear good looking than a man. Men don't have "push up cups" or makeup lol The one man I had amazing chemistry with was 20 years my senior and had 3 kids and completely different lifestyle.... hah... life's a b*tch.
Sanman Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That's true, but if someone like her exists, why can't the same in the opposite sex? Why must a woman lower her expectations? And if she doesn't, must she be single her whole life? Male or female, if you can't seem to find anyone, your choices are lower your expectation or remain single. Marriage is a lot like applying your college or a job. Some get the dream and many get the compromise. For some, the compromise turns into the dream. But, if you keep passing on the compromise to achieve the dream, life may pass you by before it ever happens. I often find it funny that people would never say you should refuse to settle for anything but the perfect job or perfect school, but people often say you should wait for the perfect partner. Life may pass you by before you find that partner.
Mad Max Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Woggle, brother, you have issues. That's all I'm going to say.
OceanTropic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Male or female, if you can't seem to find anyone, your choices are lower your expectation or remain single. Marriage is a lot like applying your college or a job. Some get the dream and many get the compromise. For some, the compromise turns into the dream. But, if you keep passing on the compromise to achieve the dream, life may pass you by before it ever happens. I often find it funny that people would never say you should refuse to settle for anything but the perfect job or perfect school, but people often say you should wait for the perfect partner. Life may pass you by before you find that partner. Very true! But imagine you settle, get married and start a family and only AFTER do you find that perfect person. Now its too late, you can't leave a family and children, you will create such a mess. And if only you had waited a bit longer... ...then again who wants to be 40 and alone? Is it worth the wait? I'm talking from a woman's point of view, because the later you have children the more risk for complications.
Sanman Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Very true! But imagine you settle, get married and start a family and only AFTER do you find that perfect person. Now its too late, you can't leave a family and children, you will create such a mess. And if only you had waited a bit longer... ...then again who wants to be 40 and alone? Is it worth the wait? I'm talking from a woman's point of view, because the later you have children the more risk for complications. That is absolutely possible, but we must all make decisions and sometimes that means ending up with something other than the best. That does not mean you still won't be happy. I should also mention that it is only the perfect person in your head. You don't know that this the perfect person until you actually have a relationship with them. What happens if perfect person isn't so perfect and compromise person turns out to be better, but you let him/her go? There are endless possibilities.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Settling to me simply means either not being in love with the person you married (for women this most commonly expresses itself by lack of physical attraction to a partner) OR being in love and being emotinally or physically abused, cheated on by a partner and staying anyway. Money, power, status whatever has nothing to do with my definition. I want to marry someone that I am in love with and who feels the same about me. I want to marry someone who is committed to me. I know about compromise. I know that you can't have it all. But my requirement is a very basic one. I honestly know with 100% certainity more terminally unhappy married couples than happy ones. Both of my bosses at work cheat on their wives repeatedly. My parents have been married for 30 years and my mum has been desparetly unhappy for most of them. She has said many times that if she could have her life again, she would NEVER have married my dad. While they were in love at the start, they are so inherently incompatible that it causes them both great turmoil. Both sets of my grandparents had my granfathers cheating. 100% confirmed. As for my friends, I said 3 out of 5 married couples. Those are not normal couple arguments. Those are consistent statements over the years of women that have never been attracted to men they married, never been in love. Other 2 couples are reasonably happy. They do have arguments - I am not an idiot, I DO know what is normal and what is not. One of the girls in the 2 couples has cried to me over an argument with her H multiple times, yet they end up working things out. You can see that there is mutual love, respect and commintement there. I am not making this up to justify being single. I DO want to get married. But it has to be to the right person and under the right circumstances. If you do think that my perception is skewed, look at the stats. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Seriously, what does that tell you? That most married couples are happy ? And out of the 50% that do stay together - if you use your logic at all, you would be able to see that it is not plausable at all that all 100% of those 50% are happy. Given these facts, my statement that there are more unhappy married couples than happy ones holds true. Sorry to burst YOUR bubble
Lipsy10 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 And yet again SadandConfusedWA you are listing off stories about OTHER peoples relationships . Have you ever had one of your own.. Look theres nothing wrong with being single but this article is about single people who want to be in a relationship. We are not talking about happily single people. I think Woggle and westrock make some good points.
brainygirl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That's true, but if someone like her exists, why can't the same in the opposite sex? Why must a woman lower her expectations? And if she doesn't, must she be single her whole life? Look at the list you made on the other thread, you even put in penis size as a requirement. If you break down the variables into independently assorted variables, such as with physical features and genetic assortment. (Basically no one feature is attached to any other and its a crap shoot what gets into a particular offspring) The more variables you have on you list of requirements, the less likely it will be to find someone who hits them all for you. So you need to step back and ask yourself, what's really important in my life? Physical beauty that can fade or change as life happens? (yes yes, maintainance is key, but what if your perfect hunk of a man has a car accident that is disfiguring, you gonna dump him because of it? ) I have a theory that men and women who's lists of desired traits in a mate are as long as my arm don't really want a mate and are hiding behind the fact with that ridiculous list. Men do it, women do it. I have a few "must haves'" that I will not compromise on. Must be intelligent, must share certain of my values, must be at least as healthy as I am (I'm overweight but still active and I eat right), and must be near enough my age. All this talk of "settling" is silly. And ultimately self defeating.
Author Gallaxia Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 And yet again SadandConfusedWA you are listing off stories about OTHER peoples relationships . Have you ever had one of your own.. Uhhh, if she's waiting for the right one for her, she won't!
WalkInThePark Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Very true! But imagine you settle, get married and start a family and only AFTER do you find that perfect person. Now its too late, you can't leave a family and children, you will create such a mess. And if only you had waited a bit longer... ...then again who wants to be 40 and alone? Is it worth the wait? I'm talking from a woman's point of view, because the later you have children the more risk for complications. Well, I am a 45 year old woman, single, no kids so I know what the author is talking about. The thing is... no matter what you do or what you are, you can't win as a single woman in your '40ies. See, if you are overweight, bitter, unemployed and poor, they will say that it is obvious that you are single because who wants someone like that. But if you are attractive, charming, with a good professional and financial situation, they are suspicious because you sure must have some hidden flaw. Oh and believe me, reality has shown that the first kind of woman will much more easily indeed find a partner. The one thing I specifically like in this article is the fact that the author says that single people or no different from married people. I think that thought should finally sink in. There are mean, bad people who are married and very nice people who are not married. It is not a matter who wants to be 40 and alone. I did not want to be 40 and alone and I don't want to be 45 and alone. But I am so all I can do is make the best of it. I have never decided to be single but at the same time I want a relationship based on a big love. That is only possible with someone with whom you are really compatible. I refuse to settle. This does not mean that I am looking for the perfect man but I want to be with a man with who I can really be happy.
Author Gallaxia Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I'm closer to 30 and whole-heartedly agree. You clearly see the flaw in those ideas & projections when you're on the other side of the line and have your affairs in order. Funny thing is, you don't have to justify any of it, but the people harping on you always want you to.
OceanTropic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Well, I am a 45 year old woman, single, no kids so I know what the author is talking about. The thing is... no matter what you do or what you are, you can't win as a single woman in your '40ies. See, if you are overweight, bitter, unemployed and poor, they will say that it is obvious that you are single because who wants someone like that. But if you are attractive, charming, with a good professional and financial situation, they are suspicious because you sure must have some hidden flaw. Oh and believe me, reality has shown that the first kind of woman will much more easily indeed find a partner. The one thing I specifically like in this article is the fact that the author says that single people or no different from married people. I think that thought should finally sink in. There are mean, bad people who are married and very nice people who are not married. It is not a matter who wants to be 40 and alone. I did not want to be 40 and alone and I don't want to be 45 and alone. But I am so all I can do is make the best of it. I have never decided to be single but at the same time I want a relationship based on a big love. That is only possible with someone with whom you are really compatible. I refuse to settle. This does not mean that I am looking for the perfect man but I want to be with a man with who I can really be happy. I appreciate your honest answer But aren't you afraid that you will never find this person? Aren't you afraid of dying alone? No kids or grandkids to take care of you and miss you when you go? I agree that you should find someone you are happy with, that you love, but what if that person never comes? Its been 40 years and you still haven't found that person, aren't you afraid you never will?
Gattica Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I appreciate your honest answer But aren't you afraid that you will never find this person? Aren't you afraid of dying alone? No kids or grandkids to take care of you and miss you when you go? I agree that you should find someone you are happy with, that you love, but what if that person never comes? Its been 40 years and you still haven't found that person, aren't you afraid you never will? The fact remains, not everyone is going to pair up. Why let fear control your actions? I am in my mid 30's and I would like to meet someone to share my life with, but if I do, I do and if I don't, I don't. It isn't the be all that ends all.
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