temporaryvisa Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 My ex boyfriend whom I had an incredibly loving and passionate relationship with(we broke up because of his traveling about 2 years ago) recently came out and started talking to me. He told me ahead he doesn't want to jump into a heavy connection with me...We agreed to hangout, and we had a really great time. Kissing, laughing, joking, cuddling, and talking about everything and nothing. He promised to email me everyday and he did, although the emails were kind of casual rather than the super romantic ones that I sent. We hung out twice so far. Only twice. Anyway, the other night I texted him, asking him: What do you want out of us? He said he doesn't know what he wants, and that his life is too unstable for a relationship. This upset me so much! I freaked out. I felt like he didn't understand that when I smelled him, or tasted him, or felt his arms around me, it brought a taste of those old emotions back! Back when we were literally EVERYTHING TO EACH OTHER! I was so sad, I sent him 12 really upset texts (I thought he was ignoring me, turned out he was just sleeping) like "Oh my gosh, why do you say that? why did you kiss me then, if you just want a casual relationship?" and so on and so forth. And the next morning, he woke up and was REALLY mad. He said I was too emotional, way too dramatic and I went overboard and he doesn't want to be so responsible for someone else's feelings. Then I sent him this: hey so true that I overreacted, I cringe thinking about it! I am totally sorry, I understand that it was too much too soon, and I'm willing to take it slow.. and besides, uni is starting for me. the balls in your court, and if you're willing to forgive my brash show of emotions then I'm willing to see where this takes us without expectation..everyone makes mistakes right? gosh, I wish I hadn't done that, but I hope you can see over this and if you can't, I understand...please let me know." Then he basically said he can forgive but not forget, and how he doesn't want to me to get really attached so quickly. And he has to consider the possibility that I'm going to get really hungup on him. Now, I'm fine (After thinking about it...) with things just being casual and fun. I mean, I'm going to university soon and I don't want an incredibly loving relationship right now, maybe I'm not ready. I'm upset with myself for that brash show of emotions. I haven't texted him in 4 days... Do you think that's enough time before I should contact him again? I mean I know the guy really digs me, he made it very obvious (played me music, etc) but I can't tell if my freakout made him really upset or something! What do you think I should do?
kalikula Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 To be honest... I think that you should back off and not contact him. Sounds like you are going to get more attached than he wants you to, which is probably not a good sign. He wants to hang out and take it slow, you probably came off a little crazy by sending him 12 texts. It's ok, I've been there, but u need to calm down and chill out a little. Maybe wait for him to contact you.
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 To be honest... I think that you should back off and not contact him. Sounds like you are going to get more attached than he wants you to, which is probably not a good sign. He wants to hang out and take it slow, you probably came off a little crazy by sending him 12 texts. It's ok, I've been there, but u need to calm down and chill out a little. Maybe wait for him to contact you. I guess my question is, is four days not enough O: I haven't texted him at all in these past four days, so I thought that would be enough. I'm going to text him tomorrow and see what he's upto. Sounds okay?
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 asckkfgjdfklg! someone please help ;_;
guarded Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Im so with kalikula on this one! Honestly, i really don't think you should contact him. Wait for him to contact you! Play it cool... I know how badly you want to talk and hear from him but give him some space! i know how HARD it is but it gets easier with each day that passes. I know four days feel like weeks to you but you need to leave things be for now..... Let him miss you.
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I think you should try to move on and date other men. In my experience more often than not people lose serious interest in someone they broke up with 2 years ago. even if you started dating him now, he is a very different person than he used to be. I think you like the idea of him, not necessarily him so much.
BobSacamento Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I think you obviously want him to be your BF again. That's why you keep asking him those stupid questions. He just wants to date you right now and that's it. If I were you I'd treat it like your dating so no stupid Text questions or calling him.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Why would you tell him the ball is in his court? Of course he wants casual, he's trying to milk the cow for all it's worth. You're already acting like an attached girlfriend without the title, and the more clingy you are, the more ego boost he gets. Who cares if he can forgive and forget? He knows you're hung up on him. If he even cared about you, he would be polite and break all ties with you, but instead he's having you hang onto him by a string. So what do you want from him? I feel like he's hoping to get into a FWB with you without making anything personal. Sure he's an ex, but seriously, most exes don't respect each other. Half the time they just like to play mind games ( been there, done that). So if you have any respect for yourself, you lose his number. If he contacts you play it nonchalant. And you don't ever tell anyone the ball's in their court.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 When he's had enough space, he'll contact you. If you try to contact him, he will simply require more 'space'. When someone asks for 'space' you have no choice but to give it to them and let them take the direction from there.
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Get on with your life. He has asked for space . Give it to him. He is not your boyfriend . He is mind f***ing you with all the cuddling and mixed signals ....
motive2002 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Sounds like the dam burst open and you're flooding. He's naturally trying to run out of the way feeling overwhelmed. When you frighten someone like that, you're simply gonna have to wait for them to approach you again. If you do text him, he may think to himself. "Oh God there's Ms. Clingy texting me again." You're gonna have to give him ample opportunity to wonder what happened to you and to contact you first. In the meantime you need to try to find your balance, so that when he does eventually contact you, you aren't all wound up with emotions like before. If he wants it casual, then that's all there is. He's already told you. So if he's kissing on you and stuff don't take it as anything more. If you're uncomfortable with a "friends with benefits" scenario with an ex, then don't let it happen. Be clear about what you want and be honest with yourself. If you're still emotionally charged and want something deeper and he doesn't, let it go for a while. He might come around and change his tune, but it doesn't sound very likely and you shouldn't depend on that happening anyway.
ViciousViolet Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Leave that man alone. He just wants to hook up--sorry to say. It is not even that he doesn't want a relationship, he just doesn't want one with you. Truth hurts but you are a beautiful girl so move on to someone who wants what you want.
Jilly Bean Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 He told you initially he didn't want to have a relationship with you, so you agreed to hang out, then you went complete bat sh*t crazy on him, he called you out and said you were all drama, and then told you AGAIN he didn't want a relationship with you. And now you're asking if you can contact him again? I suppose if you don't mind getting slapped with a restraining order. lol And you dated him when you were 16. For how long was this "incredibly loving and passionate relationship"? Because I get the feeling that much of this occured in your head, and not in his reality. Regardless - leave him alone. He's already told you he doesn't want to date you, so respect that and move on.
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 A lot of you guys are incredibly negative eh? He texted me. We're hanging out soon. He knows me very much. We had sex very few times and it wasn't good at all for me and I wasn't very good at it. In fact, we might have had it four times in the span of our relationship. I am cool with it being casual. I think we can develop feelings for each other again. It all came rushing back to me, and it sucked that it didn't happen for him. But I know he's not using me for any sex, and he's such a nice, sweet, and decent guy--He does respect me very much. I'm happy that he texted me. I'm happy that I asked this question. Thanks!
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 He told you initially he didn't want to have a relationship with you, so you agreed to hang out, then you went complete bat sh*t crazy on him, he called you out and said you were all drama, and then told you AGAIN he didn't want a relationship with you. And now you're asking if you can contact him again? I suppose if you don't mind getting slapped with a restraining order. lol And you dated him when you were 16. For how long was this "incredibly loving and passionate relationship"? Because I get the feeling that much of this occured in your head, and not in his reality. Regardless - leave him alone. He's already told you he doesn't want to date you, so respect that and move on. No, we were really in love. Even after two years I still feel the effects of it. He told my mom he wants to get married to me, and would send me letters and gifts, and would treat me like a queen. He sacrificed SO much for me and was an excellent, supportive, and incredibly kind and loving boyfriend. He learned my native language for me, and he was okay with the fact I could only see him a few times a month. I'm not a dumb ****. I know when a man loves me.
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Why would you tell him the ball is in his court? Of course he wants casual, he's trying to milk the cow for all it's worth. You're already acting like an attached girlfriend without the title, and the more clingy you are, the more ego boost he gets. Who cares if he can forgive and forget? He knows you're hung up on him. If he even cared about you, he would be polite and break all ties with you, but instead he's having you hang onto him by a string. So what do you want from him? I feel like he's hoping to get into a FWB with you without making anything personal. Sure he's an ex, but seriously, most exes don't respect each other. Half the time they just like to play mind games ( been there, done that). So if you have any respect for yourself, you lose his number. If he contacts you play it nonchalant. And you don't ever tell anyone the ball's in their court. That sucks so much that all your exes have been like that with you. He is not the type to play mind games, at all. I feel like it was a wrong decision to ask for advice here--Most people here are negative because of crap that's happened in their lives. Thanks anyway.
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Can someone delete/lock this thread? :/ It is kind of shocking, but I always believe everything will work out, and it did. He texted me and he even mentioned that he is cool with the fact I want a relationship, as long as we take it slow. He said he didn't feel ready for a relationship because he just lost his job and is trying to get back on his feet. He and I were extremely close, and yes, extremely passionate and loving. I was a great gf to him. I don't think it is a good idea to assume I'm an idiot because of my age--I'm the opposite, actually.
Blade Runner Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 (edited) temporaryvisa, People here are just trying to help. You don't have to take a Stranger's advice on the internet, it's just there for you if you want it. No point locking a thread that gave you what many will deem as reasonable advice. Put it this way -- none of us know the guy. The advice here was based on the exact text you gave us, nothing more. The fact that you had a warm and wonderful relationship with this guy prior to all this means little in regards to what could happen NOW. For all we know, this guy could get back together with you in full swing and you could live happily ever after. People are just looking out for your best interests. The fact is, this guy could just as easily be using you to date, say he's taking it slow, and then decide to leave you in 6 months time again. What are you going to do then? Just be careful, that's all. I know I don't know this guy, none of us do. You can tell us how much he loved you all you want, but the fact of the matter is, some of the information here could potentionally be interpreted the other way. And that's why you got the advice you got. That's all. None of this has to do with age. Look at some of the threads posted by 40+ year olds on this site. Love is a wild, crazy thing that causes people of all ages to do all sorts of things. No matter how many times you think you've been there, it's new for everyone, no matter how much experience you've had. Don't worry about it. I wish you the best of luck. Take care. Edited August 15, 2010 by Blade Runner
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 temporaryvisa, People here are just trying to help. You don't have to take a Stranger's advice on the internet, it's just there for you if you want it. No point locking a thread that gave you what many will deem as reasonable advice. Put it this way -- none of us know the guy. The advice here was based on the exact text you gave us, nothing more. The fact that you had a warm and wonderful relationship with this guy prior to all this means little in regards to what could happen NOW. For all we know, this guy could get back together with you in full swing and you could live happily ever after. People are just looking out for your best interests. The fact is, this guy could just as easily be using you to date, say he's taking it slow, and then decide to leave you in 6 months time again. What are you going to do then? Just be careful, that's all. I know I don't know this guy, none of us do. You can tell us how much he loved you all you want, but the fact of the matter is, some of the information here could potentionally be interpreted the other way. And that's why you got the advice you got. That's all. None of this has to do with age. Look at some of the threads posted by 40+ year olds on this site. Love is a wild, crazy thing that causes people of all ages to do all sorts of things. No matter how many times you think you've been there, it's new for everyone, no matter how much experience you've had. Don't worry about it. I wish you the best of luck. Take care. It upsets me when people assume that I just "imagined the love" and it wasn't "part of his reality"..Uh hello? I know what it feels to be loved by someone uncontrollably, who accepted everything about me, who learned my language everynight to please me, who is the only one who understands all my insecurities! It's not that hard to tell! And thanks, yes it is all a BIG HUGE RISK, but when I read so much negativity "He definitely wants to use you, he wants a relationship with someone else just not you", its like jeez. :/ Why did I come to such negative people for advice anyway?
elaina Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 (edited) Hello TemporaryVisa, I'm glad it worked out ok - I just read your last post. It is hard to not be very emotional. I'm an emotional person too! Edited August 15, 2010 by elaina
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Hello TemporaryVisa, I'm glad it worked out ok - I just read your last post. THANK YOU!:love:
elaina Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 THANK YOU!:love: When I first read your thread, I was so upset, cause I understand. I've felt that way before. Maybe next time you feel like sending him lots of texts, maybe you can just write your thoughts down or something and not send them till 24 hours, so you can think of them. I've found I have to do that. It shows he is a good guy, how he's fine now. Hopefully he will get a good job soon. Jobs are stressful for many guys; it seems many men define so much of themselves by what they do for a living.
Citizen Erased Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 It upsets me when people assume that I just "imagined the love" and it wasn't "part of his reality"..Uh hello? I know what it feels to be loved by someone uncontrollably, who accepted everything about me, who learned my language everynight to please me, who is the only one who understands all my insecurities! It's not that hard to tell! And thanks, yes it is all a BIG HUGE RISK, but when I read so much negativity "He definitely wants to use you, he wants a relationship with someone else just not you", its like jeez. :/ Why did I come to such negative people for advice anyway? A lot of the people on here have seen the same situations come on here, more than likely multiple times. Or they're giving you advice based on their own experiences. The best thing about advice is that you can choose to take it or ignore it. The majority of the time, people on here don't hear what they want to and they ignore the advice. That's fine. They however don't berate people that were giving their opinion based on the facts shared and what they've experienced or seen. If you have dismissed everyone as negative and you have no wish to hear what they have to say, why are you still here?
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 A lot of the people on here have seen the same situations come on here, more than likely multiple times. Or they're giving you advice based on their own experiences. The best thing about advice is that you can choose to take it or ignore it. The majority of the time, people on here don't hear what they want to and they ignore the advice. That's fine. They however don't berate people that were giving their opinion based on the facts shared and what they've experienced or seen. If you have dismissed everyone as negative and you have no wish to hear what they have to say, why are you still here? It seems to me I'm easily hurt. I can take a lot of crap from a LOT of people, but when individuals try to tell me that I imagined love or because I'm young I'm an idiot, or I'm worthy of a restraining order, I get pissed off. I just would have liked to hear some positive answers too.
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