SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Sorry guys, I am starting yet another thread. It's 3am and I can't sleep but I digress. Anyway, I wonder about having dates when conversation doesn't flow. As in, conversation is forced and there are many silences. You have to think hard of what to say next. This is to *some* extent normal with strangers. But say you go on a few dates with someone and it's still pretty bad. Yet imagine that you are physically attracted to the guy. Is this something that can change over time? Or is this a serious sign of incompatibility? I guess I can understand that two people can be incompatible because they don't share similar values and goals. But that two people have nothing to talk about? I would appreciate some thoughts on this.
a_woman Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 it may get better when you get to know the person but there is a strong chance it won't. I suppose it depends on the reason. if one person is shy, that can be overcome, if he or she just simply doesn't take much interest in what life has to offer (plenty of those around!), you will always struggle. I try to pre-empt this in online dating by establishing a list of subjects we are both interested in (films, comedy programs, sports, figuring out the other person's sense of humour, education, little bit about work, life in London, books, hobbies, nationality differences (I usually date outside my nationality), etc) some people don't enjoy conversation though that much so you will struggle with those
Gattica Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I have found that it is a sign of incompatibility. I have been in that boat before and it was a painful one. I was hoping things could change because I found him to be one of the most attractive men I had/have ever seen! Alas, we could not continue on with the lack of conversation being one of the big reasons why. He, for the most part, wasn't a big talker in general. I am not a big talker either, but I have to be with someone willing to TRY and have a descent conversation.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I have found that it is a sign of incompatibility. I have been in that boat before and it was a painful one. I was hoping things could change because I found him to be one of the most attractive men I had/have ever seen! Alas, we could not continue on with the lack of conversation being one of the big reasons why. He, for the most part, wasn't a big talker in general. I am not a big talker either, but I have to be with someone willing to TRY and have a descent conversation. How long did you try for?
Gattica Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Almost 2 months. It was very frustrating. When he did talk, he loved to talk about himself! lol
USMCHokie Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Lack of conversation skills and/or interest = LAUNCH... It goes beyond having things in common with someone...being able to start and maintain a conversation with someone is a skill in itself, and it reflects that person's sociability and confidence. Two people with absolutely nothing in common can still have excellent conversation if they are both comfortable talking with people. Now applying that to dating, if a girl I'm on a first date with sits idly and barely says anything or answers questions with one word answers and fails to ask her own questions, then I will quickly lose interest as it appears that she's not interested. I can only assume that she'd act the same way if I introduced her to my friends and colleagues. If we went out in a group, would she be able to hold her own while I talked with other people, or would she sit there and act like she wanted to leave as soon as possible? I wouldn't want to date someone like that. Being a skilled conversationalist takes practice, but it's something that anyone can learn to do and something I look for in a girl. Conversationalists create things to talk about, so it has little to do with compatibility...
2sure Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Are the silences awkward? For whom? It makes a difference. For me, the less I enjoy someone the more likely I am to be chatty just to keep myself entertained. If I am very attracted to someone I like to just be quiet and make eye contact or hold hands. The sexual tension takes care of the lack of conversation. But if its an awkward silence...I would think thats not much fun at all. If you arent still arent sure...go on a date that involves some kind of active participation like ...ok, I dont know...how about a festival of some kind?? Plenty to comment on, people watch, fun - no conversation required. Maybe that will break some ice or make up your mind.
meerkat stew Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Have never experienced those uncomfortable silences people talk about on dates, even on ones where one or both parties knew there was no spark, so if I ever did, would probably be a sign of compatibility trouble. A conversation is kind of like a game with "turns," the best at it can think of where the game is headed a few turns in advance while still listening carefully to what is being said, not being one of those "waiting for their next chance to talk" types. If things slow down, or the convo starts heading in a dead end type of direction, I'll look for a prop in the immediate environment, "I've always loved the lighting in here, very pulp fiction" leads to other topics. Sniffing out the dead ends and when to interject a new direction that is not so final seems to sum up how to do it. OH, open ended questions are not so good when too vague and broad, nor are closed ended questions that invite a mere definitive final reply without elaboration. Most questions can be phrased and rephrased to be more interesting with just a little thought.
InceptorsRule Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Here's a good conversation starter: "So, what's your favorite position?"
dispatch3d Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 lol. Definitely figure out some things you like to talk about, others like to listen about, etc. Figure out topics that others talk about often. When in group settings start realizing what the general conversation topics end up being, and become knowledgeable in those. Note interesting things from recent days/weeks to recall later. Getting good at stories helps. If I have nothing to talk about with a girl I assume it's the girls fault cause I can generally talk a fair bit. Either she isn't interested, or she's quiet to begin with...
Feelin Frisky Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Ah, it's all relative. If we're assuming that everyone is contained in white American fish bowl, it becomes probably important to find out where a love interest comes down on points for compatibility. I couldn't doing anything but start to want to get rid of a right winger, a judgmental over-simplifier, a professional wrestling fan, or even a thrill seeker who is all wrapped up in testing the line between life and death for thrills. In a wider view, I've had fulfilling relationships with ladies where English was their new language and our differences in language were just fine as food for conversation. It was enough just negotiating some mutual attraction even though it was virtually impossible to get deep into micro-analysis of this or that. I find certain Spanish speaking females for instance to have really cute-sounding Spanish origins in their English- speaking, like them saying "I eh-study" instead of "I study" or when they tell me to "eh-smile" instead of "smile". I don't however care for Spanish- speaking dames that call me "papi" and say "caraho conyo" all the time. It just frosts me. It takes all types to make a human world and it's all relative and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
sugarmomma Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Usually a lack of things to talk about would be a signal of one of the party's not being very interested. In ref to your other post I wanted to share this link with you. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dating-is-a-discovery-phase-to-work-out-if-you-want-a-relationship/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BaggageReclaim-TheGuideToSingleLivingDatingRelationshipsAndOfCourseManTaming+%28Baggage+Reclaim+Relationship+Blog%29
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