How important is it to guys that you don't have any children?

[Eeyore79]

To be fair, I don't see how the fact that this other poster is a single mother has any relation to the fact that she is trapping a man by getting pregnant and insisting on keeping it against his wishes. Childless women are capable of doing exactly the same sort of dirty tricks if they want to keep a man. Her actions say more about her as a person than they do about her single motherhood.

 

The only way I can think it might have any bearing is if you think that single moms are more likely to insist on keeping the kid if they accidentally get pregnant, or if you think that single moms are more desperate to trap a man. Otherwise, her single motherhood is really irrelevant to the mess she's making of this poor guy's life.

[silverfish]

 

Well I'm sure that sucked for you but the bottom line is she picked him.

 

He picked her.

 

Just like I picked my wife, and it wasn't my fault that she cheated on me before we got married. At least twice that I know about. Never knew about that until recently when it all came out. Had I known about it at the time the odds are I would have dumped her in a heart beat, and never married her; which is why (the way she tells it) she waited a couple of decades to finally tell me about it.

 

Yet here we are.

 

Either women have control over their bodies and their lives, or they don't.

 

I believe they do, and women need to stop blaming men for what the women choose to do with their bodies.

 

 

IR...that's a horrible situation to be in. How are you dealing with this if you don't mind me asking? It would be cool if you started your own thread.

 

Many divorced single parents, male and female have been in your situation. Yes, they picked their partner and often went on to have children.

 

I take the opposite view though, that you learn through experience. So, those who have made bad choices previously and learned from their mistakes, can often go on to make better choices in the future.

 

IME most single parents who do this don't remain single for long

[silverfish]

No wonder Zengirl is so angry all the time when it comes to men's views on women. Look @ her family background. You want to know what kind of woman you're getting? Take a look @ her household. What kind of family does she come from? What's her mother and father's history? Divorced? Cheaters/Cheatee?

 

If that's the case, why would she sing her Stepfather's praises?

 

You're a young hot head. You'll probably work out to be an ok guy in about 5-10 years if you pick your battles wisely and open your mind

[mr.dream merchant]

If that's the case, why would she sing her Stepfather's praises?

 

You're a young hot head. You'll probably work out to be an ok guy in about 5-10 years if you pick your battles wisely and open your mind

 

Go sit down somewhere with that bull****, lol.

[zengirl]

No wonder Zengirl is so angry all the time when it comes to men's views on women. Look @ her family background. You want to know what kind of woman you're getting? Take a look @ her household. What kind of family does she come from? What's her mother and father's history? Divorced? Cheaters/Cheatee?

 

I'm not angry about most of the men I know or most of their views on women. I'm not even sure I'm "angry" when someone says something ignorant, like many posters here like to do. I'm going to jabber on about it, sure, because I find it ignorant. But I really hold very little anger or even annoyance at anyone. I'm a pretty happy gal.

 

I'm not ashamed of my family. My family made me a pretty happy person, actually. I got to see a bad marriage and a good marriage up close. I didn't understand all of it, as a kid, or see the full picture all at once, but I got to see the way relationships work when they're functional and dysfunctional. I was also always well-treated and happy as a child. I couldn't imagine a better father than my step-father, and my Dad and I still had and have a good enough relationship, though he elected not to be a primary father figure. That's cool. I have an ex-step-mother who taught me loads of things I resented at the time (like how to wire parts of a house or mow the lawn) that I'm now pretty happy I know. And loads of extended step-family on both sides who have made my life better. Divorce doesn't really have to be some horrible thing; there are all kinds of healthy, happy families and all kinds of unhealthy, unhappy ones. I was lucky and blessed to have lived in a very happy home most of my childhood.

[sb129]

What about dating a widow? Nobody has mentioned that aspect of it.

 

I know a couple of women who have tragically lost their husbands while their kids were still very young.

 

Definitely no problems with an ex in the picture, but his family would still be in the picture I would imagine.

 

Would people have an issue to dating these women? Don't they deserve a second chance at love and happiness too?

[Woggle]

What about dating a widow? Nobody has mentioned that aspect of it.

 

I know a couple of women who have tragically lost their husbands while their kids were still very young.

 

Definitely no problems with an ex in the picture, but his family would still be in the picture I would imagine.

 

Would people have an issue to dating these women? Don't they deserve a second chance at love and happiness too?

 

They are fine. The biggest issue a man should worry about is if she is a father basher or not. If she is not a father basher then no problem.

[carhill]

What about dating a widow?

 

I've met a few since being separated and am sure they were quite enthralled with a much younger man, at least that was my impression of their handling of the merchandise. Most were grandmothers and great-grandmothers, so no real kid issues. Hey, no pregnancy issues either. Hmmm....

[brainygirl]

I've met a few since being separated and am sure they were quite enthralled with a much younger man, at least that was my impression of their handling of the merchandise. Most were grandmothers and great-grandmothers, so no real kid issues. Hey, no pregnancy issues either. Hmmm....

 

All women would have pregnancy issues, not just moms. Unless they got their tubes tied (like i did).

[sb129]

All women would have pregnancy issues, not just moms. Unless they got their tubes tied (like i did).

Or had been through menopause.

 

Dating isn't restricted to those of childbearing age!

[AverageJoe]

What about dating a widow? Nobody has mentioned that aspect of it.

 

No new guy could ever compare to the dead guy. No one could live up to that.

[zengirl]

What about dating a widow? Nobody has mentioned that aspect of it.

 

I know a couple of women who have tragically lost their husbands while their kids were still very young.

 

Definitely no problems with an ex in the picture, but his family would still be in the picture I would imagine.

 

Would people have an issue to dating these women? Don't they deserve a second chance at love and happiness too?

 

The same logistics factor in, so if the kids themselves are the issue (i.e. someone is not ready for kids in general(. . . that'd be a problem.

 

I have personal insecurities related to this, but I wouldn't rule it out perse. I sort of consider myself a "Widow" of sorts because my fiance/HS sweetheart died 3 weeks before we were supposed to get married. Not quite a widow, but darn close. I don't get the same judgment though, that I would if he'd died 3 weeks and 1 day later.

 

So, why have insecurities about it? Because for years I couldn't imagine not being buried next to my ex, and I'm still not sure about it. (Luckily, I don't believe in Christian "Heaven" or individual souls so not like I'm going to be faced with the possibility of having to choose once we're all dead together, though that brings in even more conflicting ideas.) I know we'd be married. I know I wouldn't be dating. In a way, it was hard to view anyone else as not a second choice for years. I've evolved a bit to where I realize that, while we would be married likely, I am not quite the same person anyway because it happened so young, and I've also lost all tendencies to compare people in general. So, I don't compare exes to each other or to him. But. . . all the psychology of that is scary to me, especially when it comes to kids who are old enough to remember old Mom/Dad.

 

That said, as I said, I wouldn't rule it out, but I find divorced men more palatable than widowed men, all other factors being equal. The divorced man made active choices to end his marriage (or was treated so badly it's obvious why it's over now, if he's an emotionally healthy fellow). The widowed man might well still be in the marriage had life not intervened. All of this, as I said, goes more to my own insecurities and experiences than any logical attack against widowers or widows.

[brainygirl]

The same logistics factor in, so if the kids themselves are the issue (i.e. someone is not ready for kids in general(. . . that'd be a problem.

 

I have personal insecurities related to this, but I wouldn't rule it out perse. I sort of consider myself a "Widow" of sorts because my fiance/HS sweetheart died 3 weeks before we were supposed to get married. Not quite a widow, but darn close. I don't get the same judgment though, that I would if he'd died 3 weeks and 1 day later.

 

So, why have insecurities about it? Because for years I couldn't imagine not being buried next to my ex, and I'm still not sure about it. (Luckily, I don't believe in Christian "Heaven" or individual souls so not like I'm going to be faced with the possibility of having to choose once we're all dead together, though that brings in even more conflicting ideas.) I know we'd be married. I know I wouldn't be dating. In a way, it was hard to view anyone else as not a second choice for years. I've evolved a bit to where I realize that, while we would be married likely, I am not quite the same person anyway because it happened so young, and I've also lost all tendencies to compare people in general. So, I don't compare exes to each other or to him. But. . . all the psychology of that is scary to me, especially when it comes to kids who are old enough to remember old Mom/Dad.

 

That said, as I said, I wouldn't rule it out, but I find divorced men more palatable than widowed men, all other factors being equal. The divorced man made active choices to end his marriage (or was treated so badly it's obvious why it's over now, if he's an emotionally healthy fellow). The widowed man might well still be in the marriage had life not intervened. All of this, as I said, goes more to my own insecurities and experiences than any logical attack against widowers or widows.

 

I think some of what you are going through is just part of healing.

 

I guess I just have a more open mind then most people, maybe because I'm a mom myself, its not that my standards are any lower than anyone else's, but that I'd rather give the individual a chance than rule them out based on broad generalizations which may or may not even be true.

[sb129]

Oh Zengirl, thats so sad.

 

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.

 

[carhill]

Or had been through menopause.

 

Dating isn't restricted to those of childbearing age!

Correct. These ladies I wrote of were/are 60+, so menopausal. There is a myth that 'older' women are these haggard old throwaways whose usefulness in life is over, romantically speaking. Nothing could be further from the truth, IME. The many I've come across in my travels are like a breath of fresh air.

 

Younger widows with minor children would face the same tests I apply to divorced/unmarried single mothers, wrt how they prioritize their time, energy and interest in having a healthy romantic relationship. They do deserve, like anyone, to have an equal and loving partnership, and I hope they do.

[zengirl]

I think some of what you are going through is just part of healing.

 

I guess I just have a more open mind then most people, maybe because I'm a mom myself, its not that my standards are any lower than anyone else's, but that I'd rather give the individual a chance than rule them out based on broad generalizations which may or may not even be true.

 

I consider myself pretty well "healed" to be honest, which is where the insecurities about that come from. I recognize that even once one gets over the sadness, anger, etc, of losing someone they loved, they are still left with an entirely untarnished love. There was no understanding why the love couldn't "make it" or why the person wasn't perfect for me (besides life intervening). It gives you unrealistic standards in some way. Now, I've had several substantial relationships since and made quite a good life. I mean, this was before most of my adult life. I was so young. And it's been 5 years. I miss him, and I love him, of course. . . as anybody feels forever after a loved one dies . . . but I'm about as okay with it as I've seen anybody get. I'm not pining or actively mourning anymore and haven't been for a long time.

 

I agree that it's most important to give the individual a chance. I don't currently date fellows with kids, but purely because I can't go into Mommy mode at this age and I'd want to be ready for that. I'm still at an age/situation where I'd like to meet a guy I could travel with and have great, young, married adventures with. If I'm still single when I'm in a new sort of mindset, I wouldn't rule them out because of other reasoning about what having kids, being divorced, or being widowed means.

Edited August 15, 2010 by zengirl

[ColdFox]

What about dating a widow? Nobody has mentioned that aspect of it.

 

I know a couple of women who have tragically lost their husbands while their kids were still very young.

 

Definitely no problems with an ex in the picture, but his family would still be in the picture I would imagine.

 

Would people have an issue to dating these women? Don't they deserve a second chance at love and happiness too?

 

 

My husband died while I was pregnant; our son is now almost three years old.

I began dating again when he was about 20 months. Honestly I think I rushed it, I wasn't ready. Partly because I didn't have a real chance to grieve, I got thrown into single motherhood so suddenly and then there was no more time to mourn and really process everything. People kept telling me I should get back out there, because I am young and my son deserves a man in his life, so I tried it and discovered I was depressed.

 

I definitely noticed that a lot of men were put off by my having a very young child, I think because they are so time/labor intensive. I did meet a few men tho who were more kid-friendly, who probably would have liked him because he was so cute and because he would have bonded with them without any dad 'competition'.

 

That made me sad, though, and I decided to quit dating for a while. None of the men I dated ever actually met my son so who knows what might have happened.

 

It's been a few more months, I took some grief counseling, and I'm about to test the waters again. Another poster before said nobody could ever compare to the husband, but I don't think that's true, I definitely hope it's not. I loved my husband and he was a good man but I want my life to go on, I want to be in love again someday and I want my son to grow up with a man who loves him too. Losing your husband is like the worst most painful most awful heartbreak ever but everybody has had their heart broken before and they fall in love again eventually and it is different but sometimes better.

 

Zengirl I am sorry for your loss.

[zengirl]

My husband died while I was pregnant; our son is now almost three years old.

I began dating again when he was about 20 months. Honestly I think I rushed it, I wasn't ready. Partly because I didn't have a real chance to grieve, I got thrown into single motherhood so suddenly and then there was no more time to mourn and really process everything. People kept telling me I should get back out there, because I am young and my son deserves a man in his life, so I tried it and discovered I was depressed.

 

I definitely noticed that a lot of men were put off by my having a very young child, I think because they are so time/labor intensive. I did meet a few men tho who were more kid-friendly, who probably would have liked him because he was so cute and because he would have bonded with them without any dad 'competition'.

 

That made me sad, though, and I decided to quit dating for a while. None of the men I dated ever actually met my son so who knows what might have happened.

 

It's been a few more months, I took some grief counseling, and I'm about to test the waters again. Another poster before said nobody could ever compare to the husband, but I don't think that's true, I definitely hope it's not. I loved my husband and he was a good man but I want my life to go on, I want to be in love again someday and I want my son to grow up with a man who loves him too. Losing your husband is like the worst most painful most awful heartbreak ever but everybody has had their heart broken before and they fall in love again eventually and it is different but sometimes better.

 

Zengirl I am sorry for your loss.

 

I'm sorry for yours too, and your son's.

[sb129]

Coldfox, thank you for sharing your viewpoint.

 

I am sorry for your loss and good luck with the dating when you are ready to resume it.

[runner]

When it comes to dating, how important is it to guys in their late twenties and early thirties that the girl never had children? I'm talking about guys who have never had children of their own. I know a lot of guys who only agreed to go out with me after first asking if I was a single mom. This one guy asked me once if I had any kids and when I said no he looked relieved. Is it because they want children of their own or just don't want to be responsible for someone else's chlld?

 

i'm not the least bit bothered if my new girlfriend already had kids; what does matter to me (a whole lot actually), is whether she is a good mother. i dumped a girl once cos it seemed to me that she was turning her young daughter into a spoilt brat.

[Enema]

Dealbreaker if she has kids.

 

However - I don't want any of my own either.

[BlackLovely]

Yeah it pretty much forces you to go anal but the lady might not be down with that so it's a bit of a dilemma.

 

:lmao::D:D:laugh::laugh: I love posters who make me laugh!

[lso802]

I don't even want children of my own. It would definitely matter to me. If she had cats, that would be a dealbreaker for me, too unless they get along with my dogs. Then it might be ok.

[HippyChic]

WOW! Some of these posts have been a real opener to me.

 

I am a currently a single mother, and have been for the last 5 years. I choose to stay single while my children are young, and while I begin my career, but that doesn't mean dating, socializing and fun with guys is out of the question!!

 

Realistically, when someone begins dating it's not about how long for, how serious it will get, or even if they are the one. It's about a man and a women having time and fun together. Most single moms aren't looking for daddy number 2 anyway!! But I guess maybe that's just my O. So why would it matter if she had children in the background?

 

Honestly though, it is the easiest way to scout out the "narrow-minded" idiots .

 

Single mothers are given such a hard time, before anyone will look at the circumstances in which a women found herself, she will be judged and by some demoralized, and this is wrong and very unfair.

[JohnP82]

There are a couple of reasons for me for why I don't want to date single moms. I don't want to deal with some other dude that is always going to be around in some way or another. Also I want to go through the pregnancy to birth and all that goes along with it with someone else who is going through it for the first time like me.