How important is it to guys that you don't have any children?

[Woggle]

You think her spending decades being lonely and celibate is somehow less stressful than going through the normal tough times in a relationship?

 

Well since so many of them seem to think we are useless then maybe it is good for her.

 

I am not talking about you because I know your circumstances and you should be applauded but many women do feel that way.

[Pyro]

Just another way to sort the men from the little boys . . . . .

 

I have three children and support them myself. i don't carry any more baggage than anyone else in the world. I only communicate with the Ex about kid stuff like visitation.

 

I get maybe 50 dollars worth of child support a month.

 

Yeah, I'm really screwing him over.

 

It seems like the younger women have more drama with the ex's then the older women do. You sound more older and mature.

[skydiveaddict]

I don't mind dating girls w/kids at all. The one who smashed my heart had two wonderful kids.

[skydiveaddict]

Wow, I should have avoided this thread. Going through a rough few weeks and this isn't helping : ) I am a single mom of 4. I was married when I was 20, had 2 children, divorced at 28. Remarried at 29 and had 2 more children. Divorced at 32. It sure is tough finding a man willing to date me. I'll hold out hope, that's all I can do.

 

 

I'm sure there are many men who who would love to date you. I love kids, I don't see what the big deal is, or is it just me?

[brainygirl]

It seems like the younger women have more drama with the ex's then the older women do. You sound more older and mature.

 

I'm 28, my oldest is 11. I've been doing this since I was 16. I'm over the drama.

[phineas]

Just another way to sort the men from the little boys . . . . .

 

I have three children and support them myself. i don't carry any more baggage than anyone else in the world. I only communicate with the Ex about kid stuff like visitation.

 

I get maybe 50 dollars worth of child support a month.

 

Yeah, I'm really screwing him over.

 

I didn't say all women do this, but you have to admit, there is a large portion of the population that does.

It really depends on your state though.

 

Me, i'd perfectly fine doing the family BBQ at home with a single mom & her kids. I actually do that once in a while with a single mom I know now.

 

I just need one that is interested in me. LOL!

[Pyro]

I'm 28, my oldest is 11. I've been doing this since I was 16. I'm over the drama.

 

assuming the ex is around your age I am surprised that he is as mature about it as you say.

[brainygirl]

I didn't say all women do this, but you have to admit, there is a large portion of the population that does.

It really depends on your state though.

 

Me, i'd perfectly fine doing the family BBQ at home with a single mom & her kids. I actually do that once in a while with a single mom I know now.

 

I just need one that is interested in me. LOL!

 

I know people on both sides of that equation. I think the whole system is screwed up, I know guys who don't make much who have half their paychecks taken and can't live on what's left. I also know single mom's who's ex's are pulling in hundreds of thousands of dollars a year who can't get support to pay for preschool.

 

There are two sides to most stories and I honestly try not to judge. I will admit that people who gripe about their ex's and what they do all the time are annoying.

[Tim7332]

When it comes to dating, how important is it to guys in their late twenties and early thirties that the girl never had children? I'm talking about guys who have never had children of their own. I know a lot of guys who only agreed to go out with me after first asking if I was a single mom. This one guy asked me once if I had any kids and when I said no he looked relieved. Is it because they want children of their own or just don't want to be responsible for someone else's chlld?

 

I'm 30 years old and I've never had kids. My honest answer is I would sleep with a girl who had kids but wouldn't enter a relationship with one.

[AverageJoe]

I have three children and support them myself.

 

 

I get maybe 50 dollars worth of child support a month.

 

 

Then you should relieve him of his obligation if you support them yourself.

 

Anyway, I have no interest in dating single moms. Many of the reasons listed here. What man wants to look at the face of your kid everyday that you had in the past due to your poor judgement.

[Eeyore79]

I'm a woman, and I don't date single fathers or divorced men.

 

I want to have my own kids, so I don't want a guy who spends his money supporting another woman's kids, nor do I want my kids to have to share their daddy. I don't want the conflict or jealousy that comes with the ex constantly being in the picture, and I don't fancy being an instant parent to kids I don't want and am not related to.

 

As far as divorced men go - they obviously don't know how to choose a spouse wisely and make a marriage work, or else they wouldn't be divorced. If they're unsuccessful at choosing the right partner for them first time around, I would have no confidence that they were making the correct choice by being with me second time around. Second marriages have high divorce rates for good reason! Not to mention I don't want a guy who's paying alimony.

[Stung]

I didn't say all women do this, but you have to admit, there is a large portion of the population that does.

It really depends on your state though.

 

Me, i'd perfectly fine doing the family BBQ at home with a single mom & her kids. I actually do that once in a while with a single mom I know now.

 

I just need one that is interested in me. LOL!

 

Maybe it is really a location-by-location thing. I know of a couple single moms who are living well off of child support, but I know many, many more who are really struggling. My best friend gets about $300 per month from her exhusband for their two daughters, and she sometimes has to take him to court to get him to cough it up or to admit that his wages have changed, it's a giant pain in the A and she is always working hard to make her dollar stretch. $300/month is hardly something to write home about, and it all goes to food/clothes/insurance/gas/school supplies/sports equipment.

 

In my area, if you share true 50/50 joint custody, neither parent has to pay the other for anything. If one parent has primary custody, the other pays them child support. However both incomes are taken into account when the amount is decided, mother's AND father's.

 

My husband makes more money than his exgirlfriend and her husband combined, and we have my stepdaughter 3 days each week while they have her 4. So we pay child support, and a fair amount of it. Admittedly it's a bit more than would actually cost to feed and clothe my stepdaughter per month, BUT her mother is a responsible woman who socks the rest away for college and pays for her health insurance etc. In addition the court expects that some portion of the support be used for things like summer camps, day care, piano lessons, and basic necessities like the electric bill. While part of me doesn't exactly love pouring money at his ex every month just because she has her one day more per week than we do, I know it all goes to my stepdaughter's wellbeing so I figure fair enough and just chalk it up to being part of having a blended family.

 

I am sorry you personally got burned. I do hope you find that honorable single mom who loves a BBQ AND wants to get in your pants, I'm sure there's more than one out there.

[jennifer4]

I'm sure there are many men who who would love to date you. I love kids, I don't see what the big deal is, or is it just me?

 

Thanks! I don't seem to meet the right ones. It's ok though, I know there are men like you out there that don't mind kids. I have met a few but we ended up having other issues as time went on.

[Disillusioned]

When it comes to dating, how important is it to guys in their late twenties and early thirties that the girl never had children? I'm talking about guys who have never had children of their own. I know a lot of guys who only agreed to go out with me after first asking if I was a single mom. This one guy asked me once if I had any kids and when I said no he looked relieved. Is it because they want children of their own or just don't want to be responsible for someone else's chlld?

 

Buzzie, one good reason why I chose never to be a father to anyone's kids (though I confess I've at times wished I could raise 2 daughters) is because I'd be one of those delinquent dads who lives in and out of jail for giving his kid a BB gun, letting him drive underage, and all that other illegal but fun stuff I wasn't allowed to do as a kid. If that isn't contributing to the delinquency of a minor, then I don't know what is. I know better than to give into the temptation.

[brainygirl]

It amazes me how many people hold things against people who had little or no control over the situation.

 

Someone who's divorced is automatically a bad candidate for even dating because they picked poorly or didn't stick it out?

 

So someone who married a person who developed a drug or alcohol problem should have seen it coming or should have lived with it forever?

 

So when my now ex husband started running through our money and then stealing to feed a drug habit I was supposed to be fine with that? I was supposed to stick it out and make it work when he threatened to kill me and leave my body in a georgia swamp so deep no one would ever find it?

 

I'm sorry, but lots of people make poor choices. They take jobs they shouldn't or date people who are no good for them or invest in businesses that loose money.

 

But if that mistake creates a child, all of a sudden its an insurmountable evidence of character flaws.

 

I think its funny that people say that they look for responsibility and kindness and caring in a partner, but parents, who are always responsible, kind and caring, aren't worth dating.

 

Such bullspit.

[InceptorsRule]

It amazes me how many people hold things against people who had little or no control over the situation.

 

I think women have lots of control over whether they get pregnant.

 

Someone who's divorced is automatically a bad candidate for even dating because they picked poorly or didn't stick it out?

 

Yes. However, so many people nowadays have the baggage of prior divorces or break ups of LTRs that one has to make due with what's out there.

 

 

 

 

So someone who married a person who developed a drug or alcohol problem should have seen it coming or should have lived with it forever?

 

It's pretty silly to assert that people suddenly develop drug/alcohol problems after marriage when there was no problem prior to marriage. Most of the time people get married hoping the problem will diminish but it gets worse.

 

 

 

So when my now ex husband started running through our money and then stealing to feed a drug habit I was supposed to be fine with that? I was supposed to stick it out and make it work when he threatened to kill me and leave my body in a georgia swamp so deep no one would ever find it?

 

You picked him, right?

 

 

I'm sorry, but lots of people make poor choices. They take jobs they shouldn't or date people who are no good for them or invest in businesses that loose money.

 

Poor choices incur consequences such as other people being reluctant to date the person who made those poor choices.

 

 

 

But if that mistake creates a child, all of a sudden its an insurmountable evidence of character flaws.

 

No it just makes the person a less desirable dating partner.

 

 

 

I think its funny that people say that they look for responsibility and kindness and caring in a partner, but parents, who are always responsible, kind and caring, aren't worth dating.

 

Such bullspit.

 

 

Some single parents are worth dating. Many aren't. The people who don't want to date single mothers are talking from bitter experience--their own, and people they know.

 

Many single mothers are seriously messed up. That's why they're single parents.

[Gattica]

I know the question was geared towards men, but I will answer as well.

 

I don't date men with children. I don't have children nor do I want children. I get a lot of flack from people for having this as a deal breaker seeing as I am in my mid 30's. I am told that I am really limiting my possibilities. There are many men out there that do not have nor want children. Those are the men I seek out.

[zengirl]

Then you should relieve him of his obligation if you support them yourself.

 

Anyway, I have no interest in dating single moms. Many of the reasons listed here. What man wants to look at the face of your kid everyday that you had in the past due to your poor judgement.

 

Dude, they're his kids too! He should probably be paying more than $50 a month, as I'm sure she is, but hopefully he's contributing to their welfare in other ways. Divorce doesn't mean they aren't your kids anymore. Part of supporting kids is supporting them financially. (This does not mean that women should be making money off of it, but that's way more than reasonable and proportional to both the child's care and their income. $50 a month is really low.)

 

I think women have lots of control over whether they get pregnant.

 

I believe she was referring to situations in which one enters a marriage contract, has children, and the other party breaks it by cheating or addiction or some other means. But I'm not sure. If she had 3 children, I'm assuming they weren't entirely unplanned (all of them). She seems pretty solid. One can judge everyone for the people they've picked previously, sure, but it seems counter-productive. (I'm not saying this means you have to date them.) Everybody's made their mistakes somewhere, and sometimes life just kicks you in the teeth. People who need to make every bad thing in someone's life their "fault" baffle me.

 

brainygirl seems happy enough, though I hope she finds a boyfriend she likes better than the last one.

[Chubbi]

InceptorsRule, why are you and AverageJoe acting like you are better than someone else? Just to hurt someone's feelings?

[Woggle]

If I were still single I would date a divorced woman depending on why she got divorced. I would never date a walkaway wife or a woman that cheated but if she left a man that treated her horribly then I would have no issue. One divorce is no big deal but somebody on their fourth marriage is a red flag.

 

One thing I noticed about child support is that it is very easy for a man that doesn't care to ignore his children but men who truly do care have to jump through hoops and deal with all kinds of drama from a vindictive woman in order to be a father to their children. They deal with it because they do care and have little to no recourse legally when a woman makes it as hard as possible for him to be involved.

[Eeyore79]

Someone who's divorced is automatically a bad candidate for even dating because they picked poorly or didn't stick it out?

I have to admit I agree with the previous poster who answered "Yes" to this question. The fact that someone's people picker is so far off target that they end up divorced isn't a good sign. Maybe their people picker is still malfunctioning, and that's why they think they want to be with me when I'm really not right for them, and they'll end up divorcing me too.

 

I do think there are some circumstances in which divorce is unavoidable, but they should be the minority of cases, like when someone is constantly violent or an incurable addict. Still, in 99% of cases there would be some indication of those problems before marriage, so if the person failed to notice those indications that also points to problems.

 

I'm sorry, but lots of people make poor choices.

I feel genuine sympathy for those people who had a hard time and all, but I don't want to take on their baggage when it's just as easy for me to date a different person who doesn't have that baggage.

 

But if that mistake creates a child, all of a sudden its an insurmountable evidence of character flaws.

Of course not - a single parent isn't a bad person, I just don't want to take on their baggage when I have other options available.

 

I think its funny that people say that they look for responsibility and kindness and caring in a partner, but parents, who are always responsible, kind and caring, aren't worth dating.

If they were so responsible, they would have put aside their own selfish desires and tried to make their relationship work for the sake of their kids. Again, I know that in some cases divorce is inevitable, but that's only a small minority of cases - most people could have put up with their existing relationship if they really tried. The fact that they didn't stick with it does not fill me with confidence.

[InceptorsRule]

InceptorsRule, why are you and AverageJoe acting like you are better than someone else? Just to hurt someone's feelings?

 

 

Please don't play the "Oh you hurt my feelings you big meanie" card. This thread is asking why many people are reluctant to date single parents (actually it's not just single moms, it's also single dads).

 

No one is trying to hurt anyone else's feelings.

[zengirl]

If I were still single I would date a divorced woman depending on why she got divorced. I would never date a walkaway wife or a woman that cheated but if she left a man that treated her horribly then I would have no issue. One divorce is no big deal but somebody on their fourth marriage is a red flag.

 

This is a very good statement. Replace woman with man and vice versa, and I'd say the same about divorced men.

 

In general. Though, the one divorced fellow I was in a relationship with DID leave his wife---they married way too young, and she was quite mean to him. She didn't cheat, but she basically belittled every thing he ever did. So, he left. Gave her the house free and clear in the process just to get out. Perfectly good fellow, but I guess he might be a "walkaway" to some. Still. . . walkaway from what, is the question. Still a good friend, and happily re-married to a friend of mine. They're perfect together, and he treats her wonderfully. Divorced people aren't all hopelessly damaged. Most of the divorced people I've met haven't been, at least not in any higher percentages than plenty of the single folks I've met. As I get up in the years, if I'm not married, I think I'd prefer divorced people ("failures") than people who've stayed single till 40 or so ("never trieds"). To me, trying and falling flat on your face isn't always a sign of bad character in general. But that might just be me. Child of divorce and all. I'd still never rush into marriage though.

 

One thing I noticed about child support is that it is very easy for a man that doesn't care to ignore his children but men who truly do care have to jump through hoops and deal with all kinds of drama from a vindictive woman in order to be a father to their children. They deal with it because they do care and have little to no recourse legally when a woman makes it as hard as possible for him to be involved.

That's because most of the divorces anybody hears about have a bad guy or gal. So, if the guy isn't a jerk, then the gal is. Or they both are. The nice, amicable, quiet divorces are the ones nobody bothers to talk about. Really.

[InceptorsRule]

 

 

I believe she was referring to situations in which one enters a marriage contract, has children, and the other party breaks it by cheating or addiction or some other means. But I'm not sure. If she had 3 children, I'm assuming they weren't entirely unplanned (all of them). She seems pretty solid. One can judge everyone for the people they've picked previously, sure, but it seems counter-productive. (I'm not saying this means you have to date them.) Everybody's made their mistakes somewhere, and sometimes life just kicks you in the teeth. People who need to make every bad thing in someone's life their "fault" baffle me.

 

brainygirl seems happy enough, though I hope she finds a boyfriend she likes better than the last one.

 

This thread is not "about" brainygirl, it is about the general question of why many people, who are not themselves single parents, are reluctant to date single parents. Each person has a unique opinion and they are entitled to express it without undue outrage being expressed by anyone else. It's just an opinion after all.

 

Unfortunately, many people seem to invariably "personalize" a discussion question like this, and always perceive the answers given by other people as somehow about themselves. While each person's individual experiences are anecdotally interesting, they are just a small part of the picture and hopefully everyone's contribution will give some sort of broad overview.

 

So in response to this topic, if brainygirl perceives the discussion as some kind of challenge to her own judgment, that's her issue, no one else's. (This is exactly the same attitude she seems to have w/respect to the thread about the effect of obesity on a potential dating partner's desirability.)

 

Since you brought it up--she had her first child at age 17. Obviously that "decision" wasn't the well-thought out decision of a mature adult.

[zengirl]

This thread is not "about" brainygirl, it is about the general question of why many people, who are not themselves single parents, are reluctant to date single parents. Each person has a unique opinion and they are entitled to express it without undue outrage being expressed by anyone else. It's just an opinion after all.

 

Unfortunately, many people seem to invariably "personalize" a discussion question like this, and always perceive the answers given by other people as somehow about themselves. While each person's individual experiences are anecdotally interesting, they are just a small part of the picture and hopefully everyone's contribution will give some sort of broad overview.

 

So in response to this topic, if brainygirl perceives the discussion as some kind of challenge to her own judgment, that's her issue, no one else's. (This is exactly the same attitude she seems to have w/respect to the thread about the effect of obesity on a potential dating partner's desirability.)

 

Since you brought it up--she had her first child at age 17. Obviously that "decision" wasn't the well-thought out decision of a mature adult.

 

I won't talk any more about her in particular, as I'm sure she doesn't want to be spun around in our arguments.

 

I will say, in a broader sense, plenty of people get pregnant (and get people pregnant) young and turn out to be fine, mature, fantastic people. Plenty of people who don't even do anything as seemingly stable as go on to marry the person, have more children with them, and sincerely try to build a life together. I used to volunteer at a center for pregnant teens. Most of them were surprisingly intelligent, decent, and lovely people. Many had no greater issues than half the other girls their age (before being pregnant especially). I think it's one of those things that is stigmatized beyond what it needs to be. I'm not saying we shouldn't try to educate teens so it happens less. . . we should. I just don't think things like divorce, children out of wedlock/as a teen, etc, are these badges of shame we should pin on individuals.

 

Again, that doesn't mean I think everybody needs to date them. . . or anyone. But we don't need to get all moralizing about it. That's just my opinion, based on my experiences. Everybody's got their own bag.