Update on the guy I was seeing . . .

[brainygirl]

Been Thinking about some things lately

okay, so I'm pretty much done with J, he still calls me a few times a week and we talk about stuff and nonsense the way people do. He's still playing with this idea of getting serious and I'm too much of a coward to just tell him to shove off. I think its a ego slash self esteem thing.

 

Anyway, he mentioned the other night that he was afraid to "get serious" because he wants to get a girlfriend, get married, buy a house and have a baby. Typical middle america stuff. I've told him I had my tubes tied and he's also intimidated by the thought that between my children and his son, he'd risk raising four kids.

 

His feelings are valid because they are his, but it got me thinking.

 

Why did I have them tied? Was it a well thought out choice? Do I regret ending my fertility?

 

The phone call ended because my kids were being pests (any one with little kids knows what I mean). J said he'd call back later, but he went to a bar instead, which pretty much explains why I'm done with him. He runs away from problems and avoids unpleasant or serious conversations with booze.

 

But I still thought.

 

I do not regret ending my fertility. I have three wonderful boys. Most of the men I've dated since I've started dating again have kids too. That's a lot of offspring. The world has enough children. If I still have the mommy bug when my kids are grown or close to it, I will foster, probably older kids. Being a mother is ultimately about taking care of kids who need taking care of, not about creating more and more and more genetic copies of yourself.

 

Was is a well though out choice? Yes, I think so. Noah was seven months old, he'd been the sweetest of my three kids as a baby, and I was starting to investigate graduate school and bettering my position in life. I was stressed with work and raising kids, but I wasn't overly duressed.

 

I know there are men out there who really pause at the idea of marrying and raising kids that "belong to another man", but I am not willing to create another life just to grab and hold a mate.

 

And that lead to some other thinking. I want a boyfriend. I want someone on my level who I can spend time with when my kids are visiting their dad or to talk with when I'm stressed and need someone to listen and nod and offer a hug. Going to movies, museums, to see music or festivals, sexy grownup sleepovers and maybe cook and campouts are all things I can see doing with this hypothetical person.

 

But marriage? Buying a house? Combining **** and stuff and all that? That freaks me out. I don't want that right now. Maybe its because I'm already raising children and running a home, but that part of being a girlfriend doesn't appeal.

 

Is that completely wrong of me? Is there something messed up about wanting to date but not to marry?

[Els]

I believe lots of younger men share your ideals. Might be best to aim for the guys in the early-mid twenties.

[a_woman]

it's a completely normal way to feel brainygirl and while I don't know much about your location, I think if you lived in a cosmopolitan city you would meet lots of like-minded people. I hope you find the partner who is relaxed, laid back, right for you and makes you happy.