am I being way too picky?

[shadowplay]

torrance,

 

I can't argue with you simply because you're talking about things I never said.

 

zengirl,

 

Your description of what you want is completely different. I get the intelligence thing and (similarily) probably couldn't date someone who isn't smart. This doesn't mean I demand them to be VERY intelligent. That would be unneccessary - I am not very intelligent and most people aren't - defining very intelligent as like 1/5000 or something, or an IQ >150 working in a complicated field-. The gap between my intelligence and there's is just a waste - I wouldn't be speaking on that level regardless.

 

op,

 

I think you're biggest problem is you don't know what you want. The very intelligent thing is just an example. I think you are trying to define it in very REAL terms - has a job making >$50000/year, is intelligent, etc. It really should be delt with in a feelings based thing - and you'll find these things will demand SOME of the hard facts you want. I have a different feeling talking to people who aren't very smart than people who are above a certain threshold. What I mean is when you are in the moment with them is when you should be screening. Not when you go back over all the information you gathered. The feelings based stuff probably trumps all of the latter stuff - providing that the later stuff isn't a huge red flag, like works a dead end job for $10/hr and has no way to advance.

 

part of it may be that to me very intelligent is very rare because I come from a place surrounded by intelligent people. In my graduating class in university there were at least 12/40 people who had GPA's of 4.2+ out of 4.3...and I took one of/if not the hardest program I could find. I don't like taking easy stuff. Basically to me for someone to be very intelligent they would have to be comparable to the top 1-2 people - if not smarter - than that group... which would put that person in a group of one of the smartest people in the entire school (very likely)....

 

Your definition of "very intelligent" is both arbitrary and rigid. Maybe that's why you're assuming I'm rigidly quantifying "very intelligent" as a criterion on a checklist. I'm not. It's a feel I get. Usually, talking to someone, or reading samples of their writing, I can tell if they're smart enough (in a general sense) for me to have interesting, lively conversations with them. I could care less about how well they do in school. It's something you can just get a sense of pretty fast, and you know when it's there.

 

My reasons for valuing intelligence in a mate are identical to Zengirl's. It seems like a waste of time to reiterate her points, so I'll just redirect you to her post.

 

I get the sense you're projecting your own insecurities onto me. I think it was telling when you said that you don't consider yourself "very intelligent." You seem to feel intellectually inferior to these people you consider at the top, and you're projecting that insecurity onto my comments.

Edited August 12, 2010 by shadowplay

[zengirl]

zengirl,

 

Your description of what you want is completely different. I get the intelligence thing and (similarily) probably couldn't date someone who isn't smart. This doesn't mean I demand them to be VERY intelligent. That would be unneccessary - I am not very intelligent and most people aren't - defining very intelligent as like 1/5000 or something, or an IQ >150 working in a complicated field-. The gap between my intelligence and there's is just a waste - I wouldn't be speaking on that level regardless.

 

Well, yes, if someone has an IQ level in mind, that would be odd. Being so uber-specific about anything is silly. I didn't get that from any of the posts here. "Very intelligent" doesn't mean that high to me; if she said "Genius" or even "Gifted" I could see going there.

 

That said, I do find genius sexy. (But that doesn't mean I only date geniuses.)

[dispatch3d]

yeah to me the connotations of "very intelligent" are the same as genius etc. Well I mean, I guess to me genius would be Albert Einstein - someone so smart I would never meet them.

 

The differences are just in what the words mean to us. I still think you are going about this too logically after-the-fact. Looking for negatives rather than positives - which is a very bad thing to do. You will always find a negative.

 

Everyone is always projecting 100% of the time. Anytime you meet someone you take what they say at face value (hopefully) and fill in the gaps with your own "experiences". Often these "experiences" are actually people just projecting their own values/beliefs onto the other person. To accuse me of projection is like...accusing me of talking. I wouldn't classify this as "insecure" about these 1-2 people. They ARE the 1/5000 of a random population. I'm not in that group of 1/5000 or whatever. So I wouldn't call myself "very intelligent". This is just a matter of viewpoint though, nothing more. My scale is probably dumb-normal/average-undefined-intelligent-very intelligent... that's it. Group dumb I wouldn't date the rest are fine. And I the group I call "intelligence" actually isn't in there for being smart AT ALL. It's not like I give them some sort of test and they get a grade from dumb->very intelligent. My point is these aren't your actual values. Your actual values are what you describe when I say "How do intelligent people make things so much more interesting than dumb people?". That's what you value.

[WintersNightTraveler]

Jesus this portion is getting overanalyzed.

 

You like guys who give good brain and you know what it feels like when it happens.

 

Go with it. It's not being picky. It's being realistic about what you like.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Shadow is obviously very intelligent so I can't imagine her with a guy that is not. I don't think she is being unreasonable at all.

 

Sidenote: I shall look forward to Shadow's threads once she starts up with the meet-ups

[shadowplay]

Several of the guys I'm messaging with have asked me how OKC is going for me so far. What my experiences have been. What's this about? One of the guys, whom I have a tentative date with in a week and a half, even asked me twice. The first time was when we started messaging and I told him I just signed up so I don't have any stories. Then he asked me again today. What's the deal with this?

[WintersNightTraveler]

Several of the guys I'm messaging with have asked me how OKC is going for me so far. What my experiences have been. What's this about? One of the guys, whom I have a tentative date with in a week and a half, even asked me twice. The first time was when we started messaging and I told him I just signed up so I don't have any stories. Then he asked me again today. What's the deal with this?

 

It's hard to think of things to say with strangers. That's a standard question that's easy to ask and is pretty open ended. I've used it several times when I had nothing better to say.

 

Double question guy probably just forgot that he already asked you. Or he's got some reason to care a lot (maybe he's dealt with a lot of no shows, or is a little paranoid about getting multi dated?).

[InceptorsRule]

shadowplay,

 

the single most important criteria in choosing a mate is their FICO score.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I tend to ask that question too. Not that I particularly care, just trying to make conversation.

[zengirl]

yeah to me the connotations of "very intelligent" are the same as genius etc. Well I mean, I guess to me genius would be Albert Einstein - someone so smart I would never meet them.

 

Albert Einstein is an extreme genius. There are many others. I've met many geniuses in life. Some successful; others not so much.

 

The differences are just in what the words mean to us.

Genius and Gifted are actually on an IQ scale at varying ranges, which is where you might say, "That's nitpicky." There was no reason to balk at the phrase "highly intelligent" that wasn't personal to you. It's silly to rationalize your projecting now. Would you balk if someone said they wanted someone who they found highly attractive? Or very kind. Or really funny. Or quite in shape. etc.

 

Many people who are insecure about their own intelligence balk every time it comes up. I find this tedious. I really don't look down on anyone of any intelligence -- as I believe IQ and other such measures are limiting and only show portions of us, and we have many talents we bring to the world -- but I do look down on people who actively wish others didn't value intelligence. It is one of the most useful qualities to the human race. Not the only one, or even the most important, but certainly more useful than beauty or comedy or many other things we're fine with people evaluating in a mate.

 

Group dumb I wouldn't date the rest are fine. And I the group I call "intelligence" actually isn't in there for being smart AT ALL. It's not like I give them some sort of test and they get a grade from dumb->very intelligent. My point is these aren't your actual values. Your actual values are what you describe when I say "How do intelligent people make things so much more interesting than dumb people?". That's what you value.

Grades = effort + intelligence + small amount of other factors. They are also subjective. I don't think anyone suggested we needed to see someone's college transcripts.

 

Intelligent people come in many different stripes. People with intellect are more entertaining to other people with intellect (this would be facts/education/knowledge; not core intelligence) because they have similar interests and both demonstrate some similar qualities in valuing knowledge and learning. People with high intelligence might be more interesting, particularly to people with intelligence, because their minds work quickly or efficiently or brilliantly. (There are different kinds of intelligence. For example, Mozart, Da Vinci, Plato, Alexander the Great, Shakespeare, and Einstein are all speculated to have been geniuses, but they did very different things.) This is not to say that there are not accomplished people who are of a lower intelligence, but those people have to put more work in by far and can be accomplished at fewer things in terms of pure potential. It is easier for highly intelligent people to learn new things (depending on what they're learning and what kind of intelligence they have). This might be attractive to some. It certainly is to me. That said, intelligence without an intellectual curiosity -- desire to use it -- is dull and unappealing to me.

 

Apparently, intelligence is not interesting to you. That's fine. But there's nothing wrong with it being interesting to shadowplay and it's silly to get all uppity about it and say intelligence isn't interesting. It is. Loads of the most interesting people have been highly intelligent, gifted, or even genius.

 

Several of the guys I'm messaging with have asked me how OKC is going for me so far. What my experiences have been. What's this about? One of the guys, whom I have a tentative date with in a week and a half, even asked me twice. The first time was when we started messaging and I told him I just signed up so I don't have any stories. Then he asked me again today. What's the deal with this?

 

I never talk to guys about other guys who are even close to current. I try to keep even old dates/exes out for awhile, though I'll tell a funny old date story later on in dating if it comes up. That seems really insecure to ask about.