am I being way too picky?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Why is that statistically so improbable? Somebody else on this thread said they got 30 guesses in a row correct. Also, it was on my third try, not my first. I've always done well on tests.

 

Shadow, what is the test called? I really want to do it now.

[torranceshipman]

It's a good idea not to ignore "glaring incompatibilities" but your logic that you shouldn't give people chances because you regretted giving people chances in the past is flawed.

 

That's like saying, there is a probability of 1 that I won't fall down the stairs, because I've never fallen down the stairs in the past.

 

Not to mention, what about all the "negatives" that you didn't pursue? You have no way of knowing how it would have worked out with all the guys you didn't date.

 

If you're down to 5 possible's, what's wrong with having coffee with them all just to get a better feel for their vibes?

 

I don't understand how it's possible to have a very accurate read about someone over the internet, anyway.

 

Just playing devil's advocate here.

 

There is no perfect rationalism in dating I think that in the cases that you mentioned, there is enough data there to warrant a meeting, just for coffee. I think that if you fail to do that you have failed to gather sufficient data to make the most correct decision that you can. The risk here is quite major-that you risk losing out on meeting someone special. And the worst that could happen? You confirm the fact that the guy isn't right, but then hey, make them pay for the coffee and you've at least gotten a free coffee out of the experience

[torranceshipman]

This is why the intelligence thing seems like a red flag. There's some quality you preceive intelligent guys to have, and this quality is what you are actually looking for.

 

Yes. She is looking for.....intelligence Nothing wrong in that. I do too. Shadowplay clearly needs a guy who is intelligent because it is stimulating to her - it pushes and challenges her, it opens inroads into many new conversations and new things to learn, it allows ideas to be bounced off of each other with an appreciation that there in intellectualism involved in the decision making process, it allows insight, etc.....and it is FUN to be with someone like that

[TheLoneSock]

things I usually pick on:

this one is too arrogant, too narcissistic, too critical, not smart enough, too pretentious, not attractive, too boring, too much of a space shot, too cold, too new age-y and weird.

 

How are you able to tell all of these things from an individual through an online profile?

 

I can't see a guy being that expressive, unless they are glaringly obvious things like sh*t grammar or odd, overly artistic pictures.

 

Because I'm an unlikely mix of traits, I feel like a guy needs an almost impossible balance of qualities to be compatible with me.

 

Time for a re-evalutation maybe? Or a break from dating perhaps, or ensuring that you're ready to date at all.

 

As far as I can tell he needs to be warm and kind but not a pushover, very smart, at least vaguely attractive, fairly traditional in terms of sex/dating preferences, sane, commitment-ready, discerning but not bitter or overly cynical, a bit vulnerable beneath the surface without being weak. Blah. I don't think he exists, and if he does he's probably taken.

 

Probably...

 

Here's an example of me being really picky. A guy I've been talking to a bunch asked me out on a date. In many respects he seems great: he's really cute, very intelligent, he's a bit introverted like me but also has a lot of friends, we seem to share similar values. But I'm getting this hunch that something about him is off. It's nothing specific I can point to, but I get this vibe that he might be anal, rigid, overly critical and a bit cold. I really can't say why. It's just this subtle, yet consistent thread throughout our conversations. Is it worth meeting him in person despite this?

 

Again, maybe it's time to re-evaluate. If the only thing that you can find wrong with your compatibility is his perfect grammar, and it's giving you a bad 'hunch', then you probably aren't ready to date anyway.

 

Then there's another guy who is very good looking, smart (a PhD student in the sciences in a tough program), and seems pretty nice. But I'm also getting some off-putting vibes. He seems a bit boring, and maybe a tad critical.

 

Lol, careful whom you judge harshly, for you too will be judged.

 

Another example. A guy who seems pretty cool messaged me, but I closed his profile when I read: "Being feminist is one of my highest priorities." I don't know why this really put me off, but it did. I guess I immediately think overly PC, beta male.

 

That's hilarious, are you sure he wasn't gay? I can see why you would have no interest.

 

Thing is I almost never have false negatives when it comes to people. Almost every single time in my life I've had doubts about somebody and given them a chance, I've regretted it later. If anything I've been way too generous in the past, ignoring glaring incompatibilities.

 

Well no offense to you but you sound like a handful. Maybe guys that you would otherwise be interested in are passing you up for a woman who is not like that? In my experience, just because a girl is extra complicated doesn't mean she's worth the extra effort. In fact it's rarely so. Considering the fact that you have widdled 100 guys down to about 5, and you're still trying to find negatives in them, that tells me that deep down you don't want to date anyway. Too soon, probably, for whatever reason.

 

Also, you should never regret the past or the decisions in it. I think that regret is haunting you into assuming abstract, negative stuff about guys who you may otherwise be very happy alongside.

[spookie]

Call me an optimist, but I don't really get one can feel there is something "off" about EVERYONE.

 

I mean, we've all got flaws, but as someone said, do you ever notice the positives in people??

 

Personally, almost everyone I meet is FUNNY.

 

Most people are SMART in at least one way different from my own.

 

Good conversation is a give and take, so I never demand that someone be able to entertain me.

 

I get where you're coming from with the "traditional dating preferences" thing - that's actually important to me too, but -

 

- "a bit vulnerable beneath the surface but not weak" is such a nit-picky requirement, I'm starting to think you really aren't interested in dating.

 

Dating is about getting to know someone, and being open to the fact that even if the person is not exactly who you are looking for, he may turn out to be the right one for you. It isn't about judging them over the internet for failure to meet some BS list of qualities you either liked or didn't like in your ex-bf's.

[Knittress]

Well no offense to you but you sound like a handful. Maybe guys that you would otherwise be interested in are passing you up for a woman who is not like that? In my experience, just because a girl is extra complicated doesn't mean she's worth the extra effort.

 

How is she a handful? If anything, people who are able to analyze and articulate the feelings they're having are easier to interact with. Just because she can identify her issues doesn't mean she's got more of them.

[shadowplay]

Call me an optimist, but I don't really get one can feel there is something "off" about EVERYONE.

 

I mean, we've all got flaws, but as someone said, do you ever notice the positives in people??

 

Personally, almost everyone I meet is FUNNY.

 

Most people are SMART in at least one way different from my own.

 

Good conversation is a give and take, so I never demand that someone be able to entertain me.

 

I get where you're coming from with the "traditional dating preferences" thing - that's actually important to me too, but -

 

- "a bit vulnerable beneath the surface but not weak" is such a nit-picky requirement, I'm starting to think you really aren't interested in dating.

 

Dating is about getting to know someone, and being open to the fact that even if the person is not exactly who you are looking for, he may turn out to be the right one for you. It isn't about judging them over the internet for failure to meet some BS list of qualities you either liked or didn't like in your ex-bf's.

 

Yeah, maybe I'm not ready to date. I'm feeling pretty depressed about the wholet hing now, and that's probably a bad sign.

[TheLoneSock]

How is she a handful? If anything, people who are able to analyze and articulate the feelings they're having are easier to interact with. Just because she can identify her issues doesn't mean she's got more of them.

 

Because when someone has that many hangups, they aren't ready to date and any guy who meets her standards is still going to have a hell of a time cracking the shell that lets him get close to her. That is a handful.

 

Yeah, maybe I'm not ready to date. I'm feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing now, and that's probably a bad sign.

 

And she said it herself here.

[northstar1]

How are you able to tell all of these things from an individual through an online profile?

 

I can't see a guy being that expressive, unless they are glaringly obvious things like sh*t grammar or odd, overly artistic pictures.

 

 

 

Time for a re-evalutation maybe? Or a break from dating perhaps, or ensuring that you're ready to date at all.

 

 

 

Probably...

 

 

 

Again, maybe it's time to re-evaluate. If the only thing that you can find wrong with your compatibility is his perfect grammar, and it's giving you a bad 'hunch', then you probably aren't ready to date anyway.

 

 

 

Lol, careful whom you judge harshly, for you too will be judged.

 

 

 

That's hilarious, are you sure he wasn't gay? I can see why you would have no interest.

 

 

 

Well no offense to you but you sound like a handful. Maybe guys that you would otherwise be interested in are passing you up for a woman who is not like that? In my experience, just because a girl is extra complicated doesn't mean she's worth the extra effort. In fact it's rarely so. Considering the fact that you have widdled 100 guys down to about 5, and you're still trying to find negatives in them, that tells me that deep down you don't want to date anyway. Too soon, probably, for whatever reason.

 

Also, you should never regret the past or the decisions in it. I think that regret is haunting you into assuming abstract, negative stuff about guys who you may otherwise be very happy alongside.

 

Well said.

[welikeincrowds]

but I closed his profile when I read: "Being feminist is one of my highest priorities."

 

HA. Even though I think it's horrible that I agree with you considering what I know about feminism and backlash, **** it, I agree with you.

 

You remind me a lot of me. I'm considering testing the waters again and joining an online dating site, but I seem to always conclude that I can't be assed. Maybe we should just do it anyway? At the risk of being a miserable date ourselves, of course. Sometimes the only way to grow is to force ourselves into situations with which we're not completely comfortable.

[dispatch3d]

Yes. She is looking for.....intelligence Nothing wrong in that. I do too. Shadowplay clearly needs a guy who is intelligent because it is stimulating to her - it pushes and challenges her, it opens inroads into many new conversations and new things to learn, it allows ideas to be bounced off of each other with an appreciation that there in intellectualism involved in the decision making process, it allows insight, etc.....and it is FUN to be with someone like that

 

lol your description of what you actually like in intelligent people is what you are looking for. It isn't the intelligence.

 

"it pushes and challenges her, it opens inroads into many new conversations and new things to learn, it allows ideas to be bounced off of each other with an appreciation that there in intellectualism involved in the decision making process, it allows insight, etc.....and it is FUN to be with someone like that"

 

You want someone who pushes and challenges you, can teach you things, can talk about many subjects, and you can swap ideas with. I gaurentee if you had a choice between a guy who was intelligent and yet offered NONE of these things, and a guy who isn't intelligent and offered ALL of these things you would take the 2nd, no questions asked.

 

Which begs the question, if you don't actually realize what you want in a guy, why are you making laundry lists of things for these guys to live up to? Honestly you should be going with how you feel when you're around him, that's it. That simple.

[dispatch3d]

Yeah, maybe I'm not ready to date. I'm feeling pretty depressed about the wholet hing now, and that's probably a bad sign.

 

its a sign you are depressed about dating. It isn't a sign that you shouldn't be dating. A sign that you shouldn't be dating is every date you go on with a guy he ends up crying at the end. That's a sign, cause you are making them cry after every date.

 

If you had just found the perfect guy+were dating him you'd be feeling good about dating. So blah. This is why I'm saying just get with a guy who you feel good around, rather than figuring out a million logical reasons to screen him.

[welikeincrowds]

I just looked back at your post and got stuck on this:

 

Thing is I almost never have false negatives when it comes to people. Almost every single time in my life I've had doubts about somebody and given them a chance, I've regretted it later. If anything I've been way too generous in the past, ignoring glaring incompatibilities.

 

This is a damning phrase. No one is going to be able to argue with you about your judge of character, and why should they?

 

But I hope you're taking medium into account. By not electing to reserve a final verdict on someone until after a date, you're limiting your evaluation to what they have constructed as part of their OkCupid profile. In other words, you have nothing to go on but artifice. I think we can agree that online profiles are not outright "fake," but they are also a persona of ours -- not "really" us. And we're stuck with dating people, not personas. I don't for a second doubt that you're able to see through most people based on what they choose to put on their profile and how they communicate in writing, but don't discount the effect that seeing someone in person may have on your judgment, for better or worse. You may be avoiding some disaster dates, sure, but you may also be discounting people based on criteria that you would have found irrelevant had you given it a more realistic context.

[Shakz]

Why is that statistically so improbable? Somebody else on this thread said they got 30 guesses in a row correct. Also, it was on my third try, not my first. I've always done well on tests.

 

Third test or not, that's still ridiculous. I'm thinking you may have some latent psychic ability.

[WintersNightTraveler]

am I being way too picky?

 

The pickiness you describe seems totally reasonable. I do think zengirl has some good points about keeping in mind that most dates won't go very far though, and that it's OK.

 

 

All of that is statistically improbable regardless of the legitimacy of the test. 100% is perfect. 50 correct guesses in a row is in Ken Jennings range. You are either some kind of intuitive genius or.............

 

SP is a self selecting sample. If she didn't score particularly well, this simply wouldn't have been mentioned in the thread. So it's problematic to discuss the likelihood of a particular score.

[alphamale]

That leaves me with one guy whom I feel good about.

 

Thing is I almost never have false negatives when it comes to people. Almost every single time in my life I've had doubts about somebody and given them a chance, I've regretted it later. If anything I've been way too generous in the past, ignoring glaring incompatibilities.

give up the online dating and start to meet guys in real life

[TheLoneSock]

give up the online dating and start to meet guys in real life

 

I advocate this as well.

[shadowplay]

OK, I have a tentative date with the one guy so far who has nothing obviously off-putting about him (tentative because I haven't given him a firm date yet). I'm pretty nervous, because he seems out of my league. He's really good looking, tall, very athletic, really smart and successful for his age (25). I know I have a fair amount to offer, but I'm still surprised he wants to meet me. I can't decide whether I'm ready to go on a date. I might be still too vulnerable. I've got to think this one through.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I've got to think this one through.

 

I urge you to not do that so quickly... You will have so much more material to think over once you've actually met the guy. And rich material filled with inflection and subtlety rather than profile paste.

 

Good luck.

[shadowplay]

I urge you to not do that so quickly... You will have so much more material to think over once you've actually met the guy. And rich material filled with inflection and subtlety rather than profile paste.

 

Good luck.

 

Nicely phrased. Are you a writer by any chance?

 

Thanks!

[WintersNightTraveler]

Nicely phrased. Are you a writer by any chance?

 

Thanks!

 

Amateur at best, "lazy hack" on most days.

 

For instance, I come up short on the big dump poetry in this thread.

[You'reasian]

I feel like a guy needs an almost impossible balance of qualities to be compatible with me. And I don't even know what it is. I just know what doesn't work. .

 

This is going to be brutally honest, yet tactful....so take warning:

 

Until you've figured out what you want and need, I'd suggest that you go out and tell every guy that you want to have as much fun as possible....leave it at that.

 

A mature, established or relationship-seeking male will not be happy with a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Speaking from many persons experiences here.

[zengirl]

the best way to be totally secure in your job is to do such a good job that they would have literally ****ed up to fire you. What I mean is you should be SO CONFIDENT in the job you do for them is above+beyond what they would ever expect, that if they gave you a bad reference/fired you/whatever you would know they are wrong to do so. Most people just go to work do their job and go home. Wrong attitude.

 

In my case, I think the fear was related to seeing my mother being laid off twice as a kid and re-hired in the same field. She was laid off due to purely financial reasons, with large numbers. When I was laid off, it was the same situation---60% of the company was axed. My references are still golden. But, it also had to do with having high-stress results-driven jobs. Really, I always had excellent results, but you never know when numbers could fluctuate no matter how hard you work. It wasn't something I think came naturally to me (advertising/ad sales), even though I was good at it. My ex was also laid off when I was with him, despite being fantastic at what he does and borderline workaholic (and beloved by everyone he worked with). These things happen. Not sure that makes sense. But most fears are like mine---derived from something that is not wholly logically driven. It took a lot of emotional experiences twisted together to make this a phobia of mine. That was my point. Not trying to derail, but the point is where the fear comes from being completely illogical. You're trying to logic it out. Fears just don't work that way because fear itself is illogical. All fears.

 

Ah so you actually value interesting guys, not so much the intelligence. "Don't get bored". You phrased it in the negative and not the positive - unsurprisingly from the tone so far - so its difficult for me to deduce your true value here. A better to question to ask yourself would be, "what is it about intelligent guys that I find interesting?"

 

I would also say some of the most entertaining people I've met are also the dumbest/not exactly the smartest. I know LOTS of smart people who just aren't that fun.

 

This is why the intelligence thing seems like a red flag. There's some quality you preceive intelligent guys to have, and this quality is what you are actually looking for.

 

Different people like different things. Highly intellectual people are going to find highly intellectual people more stimulating. (I'm not suggesting you aren't; only you can say.) They're also going to share interests. To me, intelligent people are WAY more interesting. This is because I'm a thinky, academic, intelligent person who loves new information and hearing people talk about various nerdy interests and analyze things. I dig it. So, I get what shadowplay is saying.

 

Unlike her, I don't find that makes me picky. I find loads of fellows who interest me and who I find intelligent. In particular, I generally tend to date fellows who are very articulate, can write well, and have a lot of literary/scientific/historical/political/philosophical knowledge (not all of these, but some combo). Because those are things I dig and dig listening to ideas on. It's never hindered me in dating, and anyone who didn't dig some of those things wouldn't have so much in common with me. I won't go out with guys who have nothing in common with me for a few reasons: (1) It doesn't sound fun and I like having fun, and (2) I find plenty of other fellows to go out with, so why would that make any sense? If those conditions aren't being met for shadowplay, I would suggest she look into why.

 

Also, I agree with you on the negative phrasing issues. "I don't want X" is such a bad way to go about dating. What DO you want? Intelligence is a do-want for her, so I think it's fine. But seeing someone as "Not smart enough" is a needlessly negative way to think about it.

 

Call me an optimist, but I don't really get one can feel there is something "off" about EVERYONE.

 

I mean, we've all got flaws, but as someone said, do you ever notice the positives in people??

 

Personally, almost everyone I meet is FUNNY.

 

Most people are SMART in at least one way different from my own.

 

Good conversation is a give and take, so I never demand that someone be able to entertain me.

 

Though I do agree with this. I meet loads of people who are smart and funny, and I don't demand anyone entertain me. I do think having some common ground is a good way to start things, whatever that is.

 

This is going to be brutally honest, yet tactful....so take warning:

 

Until you've figured out what you want and need, I'd suggest that you go out and tell every guy that you want to have as much fun as possible....leave it at that.

 

A mature, established or relationship-seeking male will not be happy with a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Speaking from many persons experiences here.

 

+1,000,000

 

So very true, in my opinion, and experience. This hindered me a lot when I didn't know what I wanted. Bam! Once I had some idea, amazing men came out of the woodwork. I didn't get any smarter, prettier, more successful, or appealing (in fact, I got older, a dress size bigger, and went back to graduate school and became very poor for a time). It was my attitude and mental self that changed.

[torranceshipman]

lol your description of what you actually like in intelligent people is what you are looking for. It isn't the intelligence.

 

"it pushes and challenges her, it opens inroads into many new conversations and new things to learn, it allows ideas to be bounced off of each other with an appreciation that there in intellectualism involved in the decision making process, it allows insight, etc.....and it is FUN to be with someone like that"

 

You want someone who pushes and challenges you, can teach you things, can talk about many subjects, and you can swap ideas with. I gaurentee if you had a choice between a guy who was intelligent and yet offered NONE of these things, and a guy who isn't intelligent and offered ALL of these things you would take the 2nd, no questions asked.

 

Which begs the question, if you don't actually realize what you want in a guy, why are you making laundry lists of things for these guys to live up to? Honestly you should be going with how you feel when you're around him, that's it. That simple.

 

As you are begging with a question, I shall answer it It would not be possible for a guy to do all of those things that I listed above if he wasn't intelligent. By virtue of the fact that I like to be intellectually challenged - it requires an intellectual guy to do so. Strange that you recommend that I should 'go with how I feel when I am around him'. I've already listed a bunch of the things that I know will make me feel happy when I am around him - that is the whole point of the list. Also, given this list shows that I know exactly what I want in a guy, how on earth have you concluded that I 'don't actually realize what I want in a guy'?! Lol.

 

My fiance does ALL of the things for me that I mention above (actually he has a PhD and is very smart). He is also funny, kind and really hot, which are also on my list of what makes me happy. Clearly I know what I want - and because I never settled, I got it

Edited August 12, 2010 by torranceshipman

[dispatch3d]

torrance,

 

I can't argue with you simply because you're talking about things I never said.

 

zengirl,

 

Your description of what you want is completely different. I get the intelligence thing and (similarily) probably couldn't date someone who isn't smart. This doesn't mean I demand them to be VERY intelligent. That would be unneccessary - I am not very intelligent and most people aren't - defining very intelligent as like 1/5000 or something, or an IQ >150 working in a complicated field-. The gap between my intelligence and there's is just a waste - I wouldn't be speaking on that level regardless.

 

op,

 

I think you're biggest problem is you don't know what you want. The very intelligent thing is just an example. I think you are trying to define it in very REAL terms - has a job making >$50000/year, is intelligent, etc. It really should be delt with in a feelings based thing - and you'll find these things will demand SOME of the hard facts you want. I have a different feeling talking to people who aren't very smart than people who are above a certain threshold. What I mean is when you are in the moment with them is when you should be screening. Not when you go back over all the information you gathered. The feelings based stuff probably trumps all of the latter stuff - providing that the later stuff isn't a huge red flag, like works a dead end job for $10/hr and has no way to advance.

 

part of it may be that to me very intelligent is very rare because I come from a place surrounded by intelligent people. In my graduating class in university there were at least 12/40 people who had GPA's of 4.2+ out of 4.3...and I took one of/if not the hardest program I could find. I don't like taking easy stuff. Basically to me for someone to be very intelligent they would have to be comparable to the top 1-2 people - if not smarter - than that group... which would put that person in a group of one of the smartest people in the entire school (very likely)....