zengirl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hence why I feel like I'm wasting my time - because he doesn't love me, and given that a good few months have passed, maybe he never will. So maybe I should just cut my losses and run. He isn't making me happy, because he doesn't love me. It makes me incredibly unhappy that I love someone who doesn't love me back. Sure, he's kind and fun and great in bed, and he sent me candy and flowers, and took me to meet his parents, but it all just seems empty because he doesn't love me. There's no emotion backing up his actions; it's like he's just going through the motions. Since various people have said that 4-5 months isn't really very long, I'm inclined to give it a little longer. But if I haven't heard ILY by the end of the year, I'm just going to dump him because this relationship is a waste of my time. I just don't find that attitude to be productive, but I really hope it works out for you. I know it's never fun to feel unloved, but this "I'm unhappy because I love him more/faster" attitude is unhealthy. Does he respect you? Does he treat you well? "No emotion" would be a huge issue. "Not told me he loves me yet" is not. They are not the same. I think you are letting your past make you feel unloved. Also, love should be given freely. You don't give it to get it. You love somebody because of who they are and because you do; it's not a commodity, and this post verges on discussing it as one with the "I love someone that doesn't love me back" thing since he is showing signs of sincere commitment to you. Also, nothing is a waste of your time, and everything is. . . it's what YOU make of it. Not anybody else. Oh please, just found this little inanity. Most people, male or female, don't freak out if they haven't heard ILY at the four month mark. No idea as to OP's emotional health, but if she keeps letting things like this bother her unduly in a relationship that is going fine otherwise, the emotional health she has now will surely erode over time and likely cause her to lose her BF to boot. Maintaining some mystery in a relationship and not saying things you don't mean until you are totally sure and good and ready has -nothing- to do with jerking people around. In fact, I'm pretty sure that more jerking around is done in relationships via false, manipulative professions of love too soon than holding off awhile. Strike that "pretty sure," I'm -absolutely certain- of it. Emotionally healthy at her core, and then I went on to say while her other feelings weren't emotionally healthy. And mostly agree with how ILY is not vital at that stage and how her worries and thoughts about it were unhealthy. Way to read the whole post.
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 If he's with you, if he's happy and is into you and shows this through action why does anyone need to hear those three words? I guess I have abandonment issues, and experience of every man I ever truly loved not loving me back. Until he says it, I have to assume that maybe he never will, and maybe he will dump me just like the others did. That makes me feel really insecure and unhappy. Just because you "love" him, doesn't mean that he is obliged to feel the same way as you do. I know he isn't obliged to love me, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to. I know it's never fun to feel unloved, but this "I'm unhappy because I love him more/faster" attitude is unhealthy. Does he respect you? Does he treat you well? "No emotion" would be a huge issue. "Not told me he loves me yet" is not. Yes, he respects me and treats me well; he just doesn't really express any emotion. If I end an email by saying thanks for what you did, I really care about you, his reply doesn't say "I care about you too" - he just ignores it and replies to the rest of the message. If I say something sweet to him, he just says "Aww, thanks baby!" but he never says anything sweet in return. If I text him something like "I miss you" he just doesn't reply. He really never says anything romantic at all, and it's completely at odds with the fact that he took me to meet his parents and stuff; I'm confused. I think you are letting your past make you feel unloved. Probably
zengirl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Yes, he respects me and treats me well; he just doesn't really express any emotion. If I end an email by saying thanks for what you did, I really care about you, his reply doesn't say "I care about you too" - he just ignores it and replies to the rest of the message. If I say something sweet to him, he just says "Aww, thanks baby!" but he never says anything sweet in return. If I text him something like "I miss you" he just doesn't reply. He really never says anything romantic at all, and it's completely at odds with the fact that he took me to meet his parents and stuff; I'm confused. It sounds entirely possible that you two have differing communication styles. That can be overcome in some relationships and not in others. I cannot begin to assess whether it can in yours, and I tend to think (from what I've seen here) you're not at the place where you really can either. Try to do some things for yourself that will help you clear away the negativity of the past. . . whatever that is for you. I hope things improve.
cloudsovernyc Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 You could go on for hours about possible scenariosabd dating pyscology, but there is only one thing that will fix any situation, communication. And since you said you tried to communicate something on the lines of ily, and you started an argument, that is the sure sign that your headed down the wrong path. I don't beleive in the fall and catch idea, sometimes you have to dive over the cliff blindly, that person will respect that you went a mile for them and were able to Put your own self aside.
WalkInThePark Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Maybe because you are so afraid that your shelf life is shortening, you got together with the wrong guy. OK, this guys seems to be objectively great and he does all the right things. Still, apart from knowing how love looks, does he also know how it feels? I think the problem is maybe that he is too cold a person for you.
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Is it possible that you are emasculating him by usually being the one to contact him everyday? Let him contact you. When you are contacting him, you are playing the role of the man. Not saying a woman can't do that sometimes, but the guy wants to be the one to navigate the relationship as a man and contact the woman when he wants to.
sunshinegirl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hey eeyore, I felt a lot of sympathy for you as I read this thread. I have been in prior relationships in which I knew I loved the guy, and I just didn't know if he loved me back... and each time in the end, he didn't. That pattern repeated itself for me four times, devastating me each time. I think I got better over time at trying to focus on actions, not words (which is what some are advocating here)... still, my last significant ex sounded like yours - a bit emotionally 'wooden'. He treated me well, I met his whole family, we vacationed together, made future plans, etc, but he never said ILY (even though I did) and he ended up cheating on me and leaving me for someone else. I think he was good at "playing the good boyfriend" but he was never terribly emotionally invested in me. From that experience I came to the conclusion that BOTH words and actions need to be aligned. Incidentally, he recently married the woman he left me for and I'll never know if he developed a greater capacity for emotional expression or not. Either way, I'm glad I'm not her. Anyhoo, you're getting lots of good input from others, and I guess all I would add to the mix is this: --It would be fruitful for you to examine why you keep finding yourself in the same situation - loving someone and being unsure of their feelings back for you. I finally realized I was the common denominator in my various failed relationships so I took a serious look at who I was attracted to and why. I discovered a lot of dysfunction there, and went to work on myself so that I could start to be attracted to more healthy people. --A huge part of my improvement in this area was improving my self-love (for lack of a better term); realizing I don't need to be validated by a man's love (or anyone else's) -- I am good enough as I am, whether or not a guy is proclaiming his love every day for me. I didn't even realize I had this corrosive self-doubt lurking around, so you're ahead of the game in realizing you have some self-esteem issues. Now do something about it! --Having learned this the hard way, I am today a big advocate of the saying "don't make someone your priority when you are only an option for them". Guard your heart; step back as much as possible and try to ascertain whether you are getting a reasonably comparable emotional investment from him (even if he can't verbalize the ILY). Some men simply are not emotionally expressive, although my ex says he didn't even FEEL things very deeply (which should have had me running for the hills), let alone express them. If this sounds like your guy, then don't ever expect him to be effusive about his feelings. If you need that in a mate, he's the wrong guy for you. More generally, yes, 4-ish months is kind of early to be expecting ILY's in emotionally healthy relationships; the fact that your guy sounds damaged/traumatized from past experience does not bode well for his ability to verbalize it in future. Good luck, eeyore.
caramel c Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I apologize if I missed something crucial here by not reading each post, but I think you just need to relax. If you think he is wonderful and you are developing feelings for him, trust that he is too, unless he has given an indication that he isn't. Enjoy your time with him and be patient. Pay attention to everything and take advantage of your ability to decide if he is right for you or not. You will figure it out, and so will he. Don't rush it and don't bring it up. That will get you a forced response which will not result in anything good, true, or genuine. When he is ready he will express his feelings. If you get to a point where you cannot possibly wait another minute, then re-evaluate. Don't worry about it for now.
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 I think the problem is maybe that he is too cold a person for you. We once had a conversation about romance and stuff, and he told me about several over-the-top romantic things he did for exes. Did I mention that those particular relationships only lasted for about six months? We're almost at that point, and he doesn't do stuff like that for me. So he hasn't always been a cold person, he's just being cold with me. I don't know whether he's reining himself in after being burned before, or whether he just doesn't have feelings for me, but it doesn't seem to bode well It would be fruitful for you to examine why you keep finding yourself in the same situation - loving someone and being unsure of their feelings back for you. I tend to find myself in one of two situations: A) I'm totally in love with the guy, who isn't at all in love with me (although he may lie and claim he is, because he wants sex or whatever). I rarely feel true love, so this has only happened a couple of times. Then he dumps me and I feel terrible. B) I'm not in love with the guy at all, so I'm dont-care-ish and therefore he falls in love with me. Then I have to break it off and upset him, and I feel terrible. This happens the majority of the time. Nobody I've loved has ever loved me back, which doesn't give me a lot of hope
sunshinegirl Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I tend to find myself in one of two situations: A) I'm totally in love with the guy, who isn't at all in love with me (although he may lie and claim he is, because he wants sex or whatever). I rarely feel true love, so this has only happened a couple of times. Then he dumps me and I feel terrible. B) I'm not in love with the guy at all, so I'm dont-care-ish and therefore he falls in love with me. Then I have to break it off and upset him, and I feel terrible. This happens the majority of the time. Nobody I've loved has ever loved me back, which doesn't give me a lot of hope So that's descriptive...but now think about "WHY am I attracted to... / why are these kinds of men attracted to me"? The WHY is what matters. And hope, by the way, is going to come back in spades if you are willing to do the work and stop feeling that you are simply a victim of your circumstances. I say that with kindness, but it's true: You've got to take the reins of your own life - nobody will do it for you! Not to get all philosophical on you, but as Gandhi said, 'be the change you wish to see'. If you want to attract a different kind of guy, you've got to cultivate a different perspective and outlook on life - one that is empowered and self-loving, not cowed and depressed by a man who doesn't have or can't verbalize his feelings for you.
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