Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4-5 months, and he still hasn't said he loves me. He says he likes me, but he never says he loves me. I know he interprets the L-word really seriously, and he won't say it unless he really means it. The problem is, I really feel strongly about him, so the fact that he doesn't feel able to say the L-word means he doesn't feel as strongly about me. I find this extremely scary and it makes me want to run away from him because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Some days I actually consider breaking up with him because it hurts too much that I love him and he doesn't love me. My mind tends to work like this: If he's not in love with me then he might never love me and might leave me, therefore I can't feel secure unless he's in love with me. It doesn't feel safe for me to love him, or to expect the relationship to last, unless he tells me he loves me. Until he says it, I fear that he might never love me and will eventually dump me. I simply can't take the relationship seriously until he says it. I guess my past is what makes me feel like that; I've been dumped by guys who I loved but who didn't love me back, so now I'm afraid to love anyone unless they love me first. So if a guy doesn't tell me he loves me, it prevents me from being able to trust him and feel secure. If I start developing feelings for a guy who hasn't expressed feelings for me, I feel increasingly worried and unhappy because I'm afraid of getting hurt when he dumps me, and I try to stop myself having those feelings. The situation I'm in now is that I'm increasingly feeling like I love my bf even though I'm trying not to, and that makes me feel scared because he clearly doesn't feel that for me. My instinct is to back off from the relationship, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do or whether I'm just screwed up in the head. It's a nice relationship; he sends me flowers, we met each other's families and friends, he calls me every day... but the fact that he hasn't said he loves me is really scaring me off and making the whole thing seem pointless. Am I just totally messed up?
Raderick Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I think it will end up coming to a point where he WILL end up telling you he loves you, but still, give it time. Have you thought about asking him why he hasn't said he loves you? Start with that. There might be more internal reasons why, maybe he's been burnt by ex-girlfriends who he's loved but stabbed him in the back.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Whatever you do, do not bring that up. It steals his moment if he feels it and says it on his own. If you feel that insecure and that expression is overdue you might want to ask him if he thinks you two have a future together. Let him express himself. It is a bummer to have something that has to be felt and is wonderful to finally profess be coerced out by an insecure partner. I think that tends to kill a lot of relationships because one or the other gets a feeling that the realionship is going to require lots of reinforcement on the other party's terms. That's a millstone, not a love affair. Love given freely and according to one's true feelings has no substitute.
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 He's already told me that he loved his ex and she stabbed him in the back by dumping him and sleeping with his buddy. A couple other exes who he loved cheated on him with someone else and dumped him for the other guy. I understand he's been burned before, but I don't understand how he could feel like he loved girls who were such bitches, and yet he can't love me. I do everything in my power to make him happy, and yet he still loved the girls who treated him like crap more than he loves me. It just makes my efforts feel so pointless. We discussed our feelings about love, and he said he takes it really seriously and to him it means something like "I want to be with you forever", like it's a commitment or something. So if he can't say it then I can only assume that he doesn't care about me as deeply as I care about him. He admitted he said it to his exes, even though those particular relationships where he felt he was in love only lasted about six months, and I assume he must have said it long before the relationships ended. Well we're coming up to six months in September and he still hasn't said it to me.
meerkat stew Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Don't know your age eeyore, but lots of folks who have been around the block a few times have been burned by the ILY either saying or hearing enough times that they get a little ILY-phobic going forward. Your guy could be like this. Wouldn't necessarily take it as a reflection of his feelings for you, it's just words, talk is cheap. How does he -treat- you? Lovingly, indifferently, hostilely, respectfully, tentatively? Let that be your guide as opposed to cheap words. Personally, have heard those words so many times when they weren't meant that I'd go the rest of my life not hearing them as long as I was being treated lovingly and with respect. These days when I hear the ILY too early, it just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher, "blablabla-bahblabah bla"
spookie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Eeyore, I totally get where you're coming from. I am in the same situation with my boyfriend, except we've been dating for 8 months, and the fact that he hasn't said it has begun to weigh on me, too. I also can't help but seesaw with my feelings about him, wanting to keep them in check because I don't know if this relationship will last, but at the same time, wanting to enjoy what we have. What makes me feel better, is knowing that it's possible that the love IS undoubtedly there, but the relationship can't work, anyway. I love you is not a guarantee that things will last. Besides, it's actions, not words, that matter. Does he treat you with love? That's what's important. Give it some more time, 4-5 months is not really long enough IMO to really know someone anyway. Some people treat those three words as a means to expressing affection. For others, there's an implicit promise behind them. If he belongs to the latter category of people, for whom the "L" word is a really big deal, give him some more time to feel secure in the relationship before giving you that kind of commitment.
jadedone Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) He didn't love them more than he loves you. He may not be saying it to you but trust me he will. sometimes it's like a game of chicken. each person is waiting for the other to say it first. In my last LTR I was waiting for her to say it first, and she was waiting for me to say it first. After 6 months I told her. Edited August 9, 2010 by jadedone
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 We're 30, and we've both had our hearts broken a few times. It hasn't made me afraid to love someone who loves me back, and my experiences have probably been worse than his, so I don't understand why he would be afraid if I'm not. Love doesn't scare me if it's mutual; what scares me is when I feel like I love him but he doesn't love me back. Our relationship is fine; he sends me candy and calls me every day, I met his mom and sisters, and his buddies and their gfs, he's respectful and decent, etc. But he sometimes seems a little cold to me; if I text him something soppy like "I miss you" he tends not to reply, and it's difficult to broach any personal or emotional subjects with him. When I talked to him about me being hurt in the past, he said that he regards our relationship as serious and he's not the type of guy who would string me along. I don't know why, but I don't find his words very reassuring in the absence of him saying ILY.
spookie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 This is such an interesting topic. I tell my friends I love them all the time: male and female. They say the same to me. Just the other day, at a taco eating competition at taco bell, my male coworker friend said, "I love you spookie," after I defeated him by eating 14 tacos. "I love you too!" I replied, not thinking twice. I love my bf, in the same way I love my friends, plus some. Plus what? What's the difference between the love we have for our friends and families, which most of us express freely and easily, and the love we have for our SO's, which is so hard to say first?
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 sometimes it's like a game of chicken. each person is waiting for the other to say it first. In my last LTR I was waiting for her to say it first, and she was waiting for me to say it first. After 6 months I told her. He isn't waiting for me to say it, and I'm definitely not going to. We already had a terrible argument because I said something which sounded too loving, and he freaked out and told me not to say it any more because it sounded to close to the L-word and it scared him. I thought knowing that I cared about him would make him feel more secure, but apparently not. If I actually said I loved him he'd probably run a mile; there's no way I can say it first.
spookie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 He isn't waiting for me to say it, and I'm definitely not going to. We already had a terrible argument because I said something which sounded too loving, and he freaked out and told me not to say it any more because it sounded to close to the L-word and it scared him. I thought knowing that I cared about him would make him feel more secure, but apparently not. If I actually said I loved him he'd probably run a mile; there's no way I can say it first. Knowing this, I have to change my opinion. It sounds like he has some serious emotional issues. Why does the L-word SCARE him?? Surely there are people in his life that he loves?
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 What's the difference between the love we have for our friends and families, which most of us express freely and easily, and the love we have for our SO's, which is so hard to say first? There's no question about whether your family loves you; you know they love you and won't leave you, and it's easy to express that you love each other. Love between friends isn't a big deal, because it's not exclusive. You can love multiple friends, and if one particular friend doesn't love you back then it doesn't matter so much. More importantly, loving friends or family doesn't imply promising anything really serious and exclusive like it does with a partner. Your friends and family are allowed to have other friends and family; they can sleep with whoever they want, they can marry whoever they want, and you'll still love each other. When you love a partner, you're saying "I love you exclusively", "I want to be with you and no-one else", "I want an LTR with future prospects for commitment" - all that stuff is implied in the ILY. If that person doesn't love you back, and doesn't want to be with you exclusively for the long haul, it's a really big deal and it means they won't continue to be in your life.
meerkat stew Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Our relationship is fine; he sends me candy and calls me every day, I met his mom and sisters, and his buddies and their gfs, he's respectful and decent, etc. But he sometimes seems a little cold to me; if I text him something soppy like "I miss you" he tends not to reply, and it's difficult to broach any personal or emotional subjects with him. When I talked to him about me being hurt in the past, he said that he regards our relationship as serious and he's not the type of guy who would string me along. I don't know why, but I don't find his words very reassuring in the absence of him saying ILY. Sounds pretty good to me at the five month mark, does he have a single sister?
LostInLA Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Kinda sounds like my guy but we haven't talked about the L word yet. It's been 4 months for us and we are in our mid 30s. I think experiences with being burned tend to makes people more cautious. I'm really wanting to hear that word very soon but I know he's not ready to say it. I feel like I'm about there myself but I'd rather wait for him to say it of his own accord so that I know he means it. Don't ask him why he isn't saying it, just be patient. Let his actions speak for how much he cares for you. I'm going through this same thing right now, my guy isn't very expressive with his emotions either. I have said I like him and he said he liked me back. For now this will have to do. Plus he may think you don't really mean it if you say it this early, that you don't know each other well enough to determine if you truly love each other, so there's no harm in waiting to declare this emotion to each other. Right?
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 It sounds like he has some serious emotional issues. Why does the L-word SCARE him?? Surely there are people in his life that he loves? I know he's been screwed over by a few people, ex-gfs and buddies included, but there are a couple of people in his life who I imagine he loves, i.e. his parents and his best buddy. He isn't overly close with anyone though; he admitted he tends to deal with things by himself and doesn't turn to anyone. I think it's the romantic kind of love that scares him most though, probably because of being burned before. He said he'd be scared if I loved him because it's too early for him to reciprocate, and the imbalance of feelings would screw up our relationship... although this was when we'd only been dating for a couple of months.
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Plus he may think you don't really mean it if you say it this early, that you don't know each other well enough to determine if you truly love each other, so there's no harm in waiting to declare this emotion to each other. Right? Maybe how I feel has a lot to do with my own paranoia. I've wasted a lot of time and energy and tears on guys who eventually said they never loved me and dumped me. The last time it happened was really bad; it totally destroyed me and I'm terrified to go through that again. I think that's a big part of the reason why I need some reassurance that he loves me and isn't just messing me about. I'm starting to feel really strongly about him, and trying to suppress it isn't working. I'm terrified that this will be like the times when I've felt love before and I've been dumped and devastated; I'm insecure and need some reassurance, and I don't feel very reassured by the fact that he can't say he loves me.
spookie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Maybe how I feel has a lot to do with my own paranoia. I've wasted a lot of time and energy and tears on guys who eventually said they never loved me and dumped me. The last time it happened was really bad; it totally destroyed me and I'm terrified to go through that again. I think that's a big part of the reason why I need some reassurance that he loves me and isn't just messing me about. I'm starting to feel really strongly about him, and trying to suppress it isn't working. I'm terrified that this will be like the times when I've felt love before and I've been dumped and devastated; I'm insecure and need some reassurance, and I don't feel very reassured by the fact that he can't say he loves me. See, I've been burnt in a different way, where someone I loved very much, who loved me back, simply gave up on having a relationship with me. After that experience, I tend to view love and commitment as independent of one another. Maybe they are not mutually exclusive, but I know that love is not enough, I don't think that one implies the other. Love used to mean all that stuff you wrote about exclusivity and commitment to me, but now, I take a simpler view. It just means I care about someone very much, and have their best interests at heart. It's not even exclusive for me as far as romantic partners are concerned. I'll always love my ex. That doesn't mean we're ever getting back together. The promises about exclusivity and commitment I now believe are what marriage vows are all about.
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 You're pretty naive if you think everything is ok just because a guy says I LOVE YOU .
mortensorchid Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Sweetheart, the man has to be the one to say "I love you" to the woman no matter what age you are/are not. If he hasn't said it by now, I'm sorry to say that these are some very bitter pills to swallow : He will NEVER say it. It doesn't matter if he really does or doesn't love you, the past story that you mentioned isn't going to amount to a hill of beans. Anyone who brings up things from the past to someone who they know, let alone are seeing at this moment, are going to use their past as an excuse to their behavior today. Don't give him an ultimatum, if anything, the best thing to do is to close the book and move on. He can and WILL hurt you if you keep waiting for him to say IT. Chances are he won't. Instead he will blame YOU for putting pressures on him and damaging him even further. You can't fix it, no one can fix this but the person who has the problem.
spookie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Sweetheart, the man has to be the one to say "I love you" to the woman no matter what age you are/are not. If he hasn't said it by now, I'm sorry to say that these are some very bitter pills to swallow : He will NEVER say it. It doesn't matter if he really does or doesn't love you, the past story that you mentioned isn't going to amount to a hill of beans. Anyone who brings up things from the past to someone who they know, let alone are seeing at this moment, are going to use their past as an excuse to their behavior today. Don't give him an ultimatum, if anything, the best thing to do is to close the book and move on. He can and WILL hurt you if you keep waiting for him to say IT. Chances are he won't. Instead he will blame YOU for putting pressures on him and damaging him even further. You can't fix it, no one can fix this but the person who has the problem. What?? Why are you so sure he will NEVER say it? It's only been 4 months, if "I love you" means "I don't think I will ever leave you," I can see why he he might not be ready yet. Chill out, Eeyore... your relationship sounds solid to me, minus his emotional hangups. Why do you think he's dating you, if he doesn't see a future?
meerkat stew Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 If he hasn't said it by now, I'm sorry to say that these are some very bitter pills to swallow : He will NEVER say it. I don't agree, remember the relationship is only a few months old. It sounds like his behavior towards OP is quite loving and that he is taking steps to include her in every aspect of his life. People don't bring their SOs to their friends and family that they don't feel a future with, at least men with any sense. If the relationship stagnates, that's another matter, but everything OP types suggests continuing progress in the relationship. OP, if there were no nagging little doubts at all, would their be a chance a young relationship would become boring or mundane? Which would you prefer, absolute certainty or a little mystery?
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 If he hasn't said it by now, I'm sorry to say that these are some very bitter pills to swallow : He will NEVER say it. That's what I'm afraid of. My ex never said it, then one day he announced that he didn't love me and he dumped me. Losing that relationship really screwed me up and I ended up suffering from depression for a couple of years; I'm terrified to go through that again. I know him saying he loves me doesn't make everything perfect, but it would give me a lot more security that he actually cares about me and isn't just going to walk off. See, I've been burnt in a different way, where someone I loved very much, who loved me back, simply gave up on having a relationship with me. Similar things have happened to me before, where someone acted like they loved me back but really didn't. I tend to class that as not being real love; to me, real love doesn't change its mind. If someone loves you, they don't give up on you. After that experience, I tend to view love and commitment as independent of one another. Maybe they are not mutually exclusive, but I know that love is not enough, I don't think that one implies the other. I feel the same. I love my bf, but don't feel ready for commitment, and that isn't contradictory in my mind. But it seems like he views love and commitment as the same, and he can't say he loves me unless he literally wants to marry me. That's what I find difficult to understand. OP, if there were no nagging little doubts at all, would their be a chance a young relationship would become boring or mundane? Which would you prefer, absolute certainty or a little mystery? No, I wouldn't be bored at all. I hate uncertainty and fear, I hate crying because I feel unloved and lonely, and because I'm afraid of being abandoned; I can't enjoy the relationship because I feel insecure. I'd rather have 100% certainty so I could feel safe and secure in developing a relationship with someone. Why do you think he's dating you, if he doesn't see a future? He has alluded to that himself when I've mentioned my insecurities. But the fact is, other guys took me to meet their parents and then dumped me, other guys dated me and slept with me and then dumped me, so none of that stuff gives me any security. He could be dating me for companionship, for sex, to fill in the time until someone better comes along... the fact that he's dating me really doesn't mean anything. I guess my great fear is something that's happened a few times, where the guy says "You're beautiful but I don't love you" (i.e. he was using me for sex), or "You're a great girl but I don't love you" (which is a little better, but I'm still left alone). I'm terrified that nobody will ever truly love me; as long as he can't say he loves me, there's no chance he's the right guy for me, and I'm still alone.
zengirl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 No, I wouldn't be bored at all. I hate uncertainty and fear, I hate crying because I feel unloved and lonely, and because I'm afraid of being abandoned; I can't enjoy the relationship because I feel insecure. I'd rather have 100% certainty so I could feel safe and secure in developing a relationship with someone. Good, that means you're an emotionally healthy person at your core and not someone who wants to be jerked around. That will help. He has alluded to that himself when I've mentioned my insecurities. But the fact is, other guys took me to meet their parents and then dumped me, other guys dated me and slept with me and then dumped me, so none of that stuff gives me any security. He could be dating me for companionship, for sex, to fill in the time until someone better comes along... the fact that he's dating me really doesn't mean anything. I guess my great fear is something that's happened a few times, where the guy says "You're beautiful but I don't love you" (i.e. he was using me for sex), or "You're a great girl but I don't love you" (which is a little better, but I'm still left alone). I'm terrified that nobody will ever truly love me; as long as he can't say he loves me, there's no chance he's the right guy for me, and I'm still alone. Four months in, and I'd say it's not unreasonable that he can't say ILY yet. After a year, I'd echo the thoughts of those who say, "If he can't say it now," etc. But 4 months? You're still in the middle zone. Anything before 2 months is risky in another way (that he's just an ILY "slut" so to speak who is overly effusive about it. . . though I'm not saying this is always the case). I've known loads of people who weren't saying ILY at four months that are now. You have to be less afraid of being alone, though. Fear of things like that. . . usually brings obstacles and challenges. Work through some of your own stuff and give him some breathing room. Are you sure you really love him and aren't just obsessed with being loved?
Author Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 You have to be less afraid of being alone, though. Fear of things like that. . . usually brings obstacles and challenges. Work through some of your own stuff and give him some breathing room. Are you sure you really love him and aren't just obsessed with being loved? I was less afraid of being alone when I was in my twenties. I had time to see how relationships panned out, and if a guy didn't love me there were other options. But since I started approaching 30 I got increasingly worried; even more so since I turned 30. My shelf life for having marriage and kids is increasingly growing shorter, and guys who previously used to date similar aged women such as myself now want younger girls. The pool of single, childless, never-married men is constantly shrinking, and I'm increasingly meeting the sort of men I don't want to date; i.e. men with ex-wives and kids, or men who aren't successful or attractive. I've been looking for over a decade and I still haven't found the right guy, and time just seems to be running out. I don't have patience with relationships any more; I'm tired of waiting, it seems like I've done nothing else my whole life except wait. I've been alone forever and I really don't want to be alone any more. My bf is actually a good catch. He's younger, wealthier, more socially active, and very handsome; he has a good career and no baggage. He's one of the smartest and most interesting guys I've ever met; he's kind and decent and extremely good in bed. I sometimes question what someone so wonderful is even doing with me; I don't feel very secure at all, and I'm really not sure why he isn't dating someone better than me. I feel like expecting him to love me and stick with me is really expecting too much; nobody has ever stuck with me, and I was younger and a better catch back then.
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