OceanTropic Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Yes. I attract psychos. By that I mean clingy and needy manipulative control freaks who get jealous over everything. Its strange, but I think since I am a very kind person, they mistake this for weakness and easy to manipulate.
meerkat stew Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Emotionally healthy people attract emotionally healthy people. This is oft repeated and not the case. There is usually no magic neon sign announcing when one is dealing with an emotionally unhealthy person in an early relationship, sometimes there are flags and hints, often not. It comes out over time. Then the decision becomes how much dysfunctional behavior should be tolerated before one bails and writes off the time and effort already sunk in the relationship. Would agree that -staying with- an obviously emotionally unhealthy person indicates a certain amount of emotional issue after a point, or that when one has options, choosing the visibly more dysfunctional person is a sign of problems. I have made this mistake myself in the past because the crazy person was shinier and more seemingly responsive than the normal person. Learned my lesson well from that error. Before that point though, it's just trying to turn something around or attempting to be flexible. Sure, I'd like to write off everyone I meet who is on antidepressants, but since it seems half are, that's a lot to write off right off the bat, and some people who have suffered unduly in life would be crazy if they -weren't- depressed. OTOH,would agree that emotionally healthy people seem to have similar external behavior patterns and habits, and vice versa that bring them in contact with more similar folks. Meeting people mostly through bars and nightlife turns up more problem folks IME. People with established routines in life tend to be more healthy. No way to test, but I have a hunch that the people one meets at 7AM at the gym day in and day out are more likely to be healthy in other ways also. Another sign is that the more responsibility one successfully takes on in life involving being depended on by others, the more likely one is healthy upstairs. Finally, have experienced more emotionally stable folks in volunteer activities and such. Emotionally troubled people tend to spend every bit of time they have focused inwardly on themselves instead of outwardly on others. So if one truly wants to bring more emotionally stable people into their lives, the recipe of limiting bars and nightlife, having established routines in one's life, seeking out those who shoulder lots of responsibility in their lives, and spending a significant chunk of time in community service and volunteering may be a good start.
zengirl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 This is oft repeated and not the case. There is usually no magic neon sign announcing when one is dealing with an emotionally unhealthy person in an early relationship, sometimes there are flags and hints, often not. It comes out over time. Then the decision becomes how much dysfunctional behavior should be tolerated before one bails and writes off the time and effort already sunk in the relationship. Would agree that -staying with- an obviously emotionally unhealthy person indicates a certain amount of emotional issue after a point, or that when one has options, choosing the visibly more dysfunctional person is a sign of problems. I have made this mistake myself in the past because the crazy person was shinier and more seemingly responsive than the normal person. Learned my lesson well from that error. Before that point though, it's just trying to turn something around or attempting to be flexible. Sure, I'd like to write off everyone I meet who is on antidepressants, but since it seems half are, that's a lot to write off right off the bat, and some people who have suffered unduly in life would be crazy if they -weren't- depressed. OTOH,would agree that emotionally healthy people seem to have similar external behavior patterns and habits, and vice versa that bring them in contact with more similar folks. Meeting people mostly through bars and nightlife turns up more problem folks IME. People with established routines in life tend to be more healthy. No way to test, but I have a hunch that the people one meets at 7AM at the gym day in and day out are more likely to be healthy in other ways also. Another sign is that the more responsibility one successfully takes on in life involving being depended on by others, the more likely one is healthy upstairs. Finally, have experienced more emotionally stable folks in volunteer activities and such. Emotionally troubled people tend to spend every bit of time they have focused inwardly on themselves instead of outwardly on others. So if one truly wants to bring more emotionally stable people into their lives, the recipe of limiting bars and nightlife, having established routines in one's life, seeking out those who shoulder lots of responsibility in their lives, and spending a significant chunk of time in community service and volunteering may be a good start. You've discussed only the most conscious factors here. For the most part, they are right, and it's good enough advice (particularly the last bit), but it's not all there is to it. The fact is that, most statistics bear out the frequently stated claim. Most of that has little to do with what people do consciously, where loads of unhealthy people think they're making healthy choices, and a lot to do with the subconscious, the ego, and other inner forces of a person's psychology which they rarely glimpse. The fact is that the healthier you get, the easier it becomes to spot emotionally unhealthy people. The radar does get better. No, there is no giant sign perse, but there is a nagging gut feeling, an improvement in the people-picker, etc. Not all "unhealthy" people are unhealthy in the same way. Sure, one partner may look healthy and you may wonder, "What the heck is a girl like that doing with him?" but she may be more screwed up than he is, in the subconscious ways. Somehow, statistics bear out that it becomes possible to pick up on this stuff intuitively over time (my experience belies this as well). . . or maybe emotionally healthy people just exploit their luck better.
Lorelai Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) I was just thinking about this the other day -- it seems like I only attract and feel attracted to people with some kind of diagnosable mental illness. For example, I've dated two people who had a psychotic break while we were nearing the end of the relationship. My high school sweetheart has recently been diagnosed as bipolar -- I remember him being depressed a lot. Two guys with pretty severe PTSD related to childhood abuse. Four people with clinically diagnosable major depression (one of them is the guy I'm currently interested in.) A some of it could be that I majored in psychology and wanted to become a therapist. But I think honestly the major reason I see guys who aren't "normal" as attractive is that "normal" is so godawful boring. They're too predictable. It feels like I'm incapable of having feelings for someone who is sane, and I've pretty much accepted that fact. I'm trying to recover from being a "rescuer" in interpersonal relationships, however, since I know it does not work well and is unhealthy for both parties. I'm willing to stay by someone's side and offer support and encouragement, but your lover shouldn't be your therapist. They need to be proactive about taking care of their mental health and be willing to seek help if they need it. For example, the guy I'm interested in right now is going to doctors and trying different medication regimens. If he hadn't been seeking help, I wouldn't have accepted the first kiss. Edit to add: no one goes into psychology who is "normal" themselves, so this post doesn't contradict the assertion that emotionally unhealthy people attract the same. Edited August 9, 2010 by Lorelai
Shakz Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 You dont like gummers? I'm really just talking about snaggletooths. Think Nanny McPhee.
meerkat stew Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 You've discussed only the most conscious factors here. I don't understand what you mean by "conscious factors," as opposed to subconscious factors? Not a believer in ESP as it applies to "like attracts like," but a firm believer in "like behavior puts people in like environments... where they then meet and socialize others similar." My work entails being specifically trained to spot lies and personality tics or weaknesses in others and to interpret subtext, stack 10 years of experience on that, and I'm still horribly inefficient at it. There are no human lie detectors or empaths, or else if there are, they aren't out and about and are instead lounging on their private islands somewhere. It is very easy for even the most disordered people to fool the average person, especially the more experience they get in doing so. It's one thing to say that emotionally unhealthy people tend to stick or stay together, quite another to say that they are attracted to each other in the first place. Human attraction is, after all, mostly based on raw physical attraction, not a particularly big-brained endeavor for the most part, and there are good looking and ugly crazies, just as there are good looking and ugly stable people. The fact is that, most statistics bear out the frequently stated claim. Most of that has little to do with what people do consciously, where loads of unhealthy people think they're making healthy choices, and a lot to do with the subconscious, the ego, and other inner forces of a person's psychology which they rarely glimpse. I disagree, and do you mean to say "statistics" bear out the frequently stated claim? or rather "research?" because "statistics" themselves don't bear out anything, especially in the social sciences. The fact is that the healthier you get, the easier it becomes to spot emotionally unhealthy people. The radar does get better. No, there is no giant sign perse, but there is a nagging gut feeling, an improvement in the people-picker, etc. The real "fact" is that the most emotionally unhealthy people are usually the most proficient at hiding their dysfunction, so where does that leave your ESP theory? The craziest woman I ever dated, if you met her, you would think "no way is this person disordered." My friends who met her to this day don't believe the tales when asking "why aren't you two still together? I really liked her" to which I just shake my head. Everything starts out great, usually for a couple months. But then one fine day they are spitting in your face during sex, hurting themselves, crawling around in the floor shrieking in a completely infantalized state, you catch them whispering extremely disturbing things in your ear while they think you are asleep, and realize that they spend most of their alone time staring in a mirror for hours on end, -then- and only then do you have enough data to run away fast. These things all came out in a ten day period after six months in. Until then, would defy you or anyone else to find anything wrong with her. She was well-versed in playing the "therapy" game. They don't pull out the really sick bag of tricks until they feel like they have someone on the hook. And another thing, most emotional problems people have are not persistent, they come in fits and starts. It's quite possible to meet someone during a "good" time, and then have a "bad" time triggered much later. I have a bipolar friend who is one of the coolest with it people you will ever meet, then presto chango, her behavior and treatment of others swings radically. No way whatsoever to spot these unless they just come out and tell you, and they almost never do that. Somehow, statistics bear out that it becomes possible to pick up on this stuff intuitively over time (my experience belies this as well). . Maybe some with the bush league crazies, not with the pros. They have spent much more time hiding their ills from others in life than you have spent ferreting them out. I suspect you haven't really run into one of those in your life yet. I was 40 before I did. Only the dysfunctionally inept can't hold things together until they get a new host or victim on the hook. There's no reliable way to spot real emotional disturbance early on in someone who doesn't want to be found out. In fact, the more red and pink flags that come out early on, the more likely you are dealing with someone with the average bag of flaws we all have some of as opposed to the truly emotionally disturbed. Sane, relatively emotionally stable people don't need to bother to hide their flaws as much because those flaws aren't chronic and catastrophic.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 They are always exceptionally intelligent; free thinking and resistant to the mainstream follower mentality; brilliant with computers and usually a little nerdy, but not without social graces and friends; respectful toward women and adoring toward me; in almost every case musicians (like me); tall, good looking, and in most cases sporty; BUT always with some significant character element holding them back. Manipulative, oppressive mother issues are a recurring theme, which I suppose counteracts nicely with my mean, critical dad issues; endearing but sometimes debilitating perfectionism (which I share, but am working on getting over); and deep-seated insecurities which are never obvious from the start (they put up a good front at first, just like I do). So basically, I attract male counterpoints to myself. This gives me hope, as I think that as I resolve my own daddy issues, perfectionism, and insecurities, I will attract a man who has also slain his parallel dragons.
TheBigQuestion Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 1. Overweight/obese women. 2. Women with a history of extensive drug use. 3. Gorgeous women with too many male orbiters who inevitably screw me over. After writing that list out, I don't feel bad for being as picky as I've been and as a result not having a girlfriend for 3 years.
FL Lady Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 When I feel like being a player, I attract players. When I feel like considering a relationship, I attract clingy men and that turns me off because they seem too fall too quick...and I get turned off... OR... I fall too quick and turn them off. Right now, I like a player and he likes me. So, it is just plain fun. No expectations. So watch - we'll secretly fall in love and never tell the other.
Kristine Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 As far as why you're attracting the poor, suicidal types. Perhaps you have an air about you that gives them a secure feeling or feeling of success, etc. I personally attract non-white foreigners, people just after sex, and older men. The few I attract that are close to my age and what I'm looking for haven't come through as far as a date yet but I'm hoping. It's rare for me to attract a local guy my age, and if I do I need to grab him basically. I also attract men from other states and since I can't relocate that's just no good. Basically what I want and what I get aren't coming to pass and I'm worried about being single if I don't settle.
Crazy Magnet Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I believe my user name says it all. Crazy. I attract crazy like a moth to a flame, a fish to a shiny bobble, a mouse to cheese. If there is "crazy" within a five state radius it will find me. The current BF seems very un-crazy on a daily basis. Sometimes he's so normal it freaks me out b/c I haven't had that in a long time.
spiderowl Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 This is a very good question and might be very revealing. I'm baffled as to what kind of guys are attracted to me as I can't see a common denominator. If I think about the guys who seemed attracted to me during the past couple of years, there's the young ones (much, much too young to be in a relationship with someone of my age), the lively but just plain weird ones with emotional problems, the gorgeous-looking but not-bright-enough guy who was so unsubtle about trying to get my attention that he embarassed me in front of friends, the player, the serious guys who seem swept up by something initially and want instant commitment and every minute of my time then turn into selfish prats, the ones who I think are interested but haven't really made a direct move (and I prefer to keep it at that), the ones who just want to talk non-stop to someone but hardly ever listen, the ones who assume I'm up for a 'bit of fun' because I talked to them and smiled ... As for the ones who seem level-headed, genuine, respectful, kind and attractive to me, they seem to be married or with a beloved long-term partner. I must read what I've written through and see what I've learned from it Hmm, not much, total chaos!
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