Raderick Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 So I'm running to a little bit of a bind. I like getting to know people, but it seems like they don't ask questions about me, or make any attempt to inquire or get to know me. So it seems like it's all one-sided with me getting to know them, but them not getting to know me unless I explicitly say "any questions about me" or some other variation thereof. For example: Me: What brought you to Seattle? You: College, thought it was a cool town Me: Really? I lived in Seattle for a year and would love to go back one day! You: Cool. Nothing about why I was in Seattle, what I did in Seattle, not a thing. So I could use a bit of help to figure out how to give subtle statements to get them to know more about me and inquire about me. I'm not self-centered, but I want to get them interested.
zengirl Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Is this on or offline? This is the thing about online dating is that I've noticed people are awkward about the whole question thing. On one hand, I've had fellows ask me a question, answered it, and then had them be offended that I didn't immediately ask them a question (it's not that I never ask people questions or aren't interested in them, but I don't understand how it has to be Q, A, Q, A. . . to me that's an awkward conversational flow). Obviously, this ruined the interaction, and we didn't communicate much after that. I've ask fellows ONLY ask me questions and say very little about themselves. That feels a bit awkward and worse to me. Most of the time I notice people fall too far on this end. I've been chatting with a fellow (because I'm moving; not on the same continent) for awhile now, and we have a pretty easy flow. But he doesn't ask loads of questions. He asks some, I assume when he has one, and I ask some, when I have them, and we tell stories and comment on each others' stories and comments. Too many questions feels like an interview. So, the girls probably feel like you're "interviewing" them and have no desire to reciprocate. Tell more; ask less. And don't ask just to ask, except at the very beginning where you don't know WHAT to say. Ask questions that are actually interesting. Questions should arise from the interesting things you've said. Nothing in that conversation is particularly interesting. The general rule is if you want her to know why you were in Seattle or why you like it, why didn't you just tell her when you were talking about it. Why not add a hint of that into the sentence, instead of waiting for her to ask you about it? I don't see why you're waiting for someone to pull that out of you. But, if you're getting one word answers like "Cool," then the girl hasn't decided she wants to talk to you much. That's especially bad in person. Less bad online, especially at the beginning, when it can be very awkward to IM especially. If it's in person, that just sounds like an awkward conversation.
sloudrou Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 So I'm running to a little bit of a bind. I like getting to know people, but it seems like they don't ask questions about me, or make any attempt to inquire or get to know me. So it seems like it's all one-sided with me getting to know them, but them not getting to know me unless I explicitly say "any questions about me" or some other variation thereof. For example: Me: What brought you to Seattle? You: College, thought it was a cool town Me: Really? I lived in Seattle for a year and would love to go back one day! You: Cool. Nothing about why I was in Seattle, what I did in Seattle, not a thing. So I could use a bit of help to figure out how to give subtle statements to get them to know more about me and inquire about me. I'm not self-centered, but I want to get them interested. Generally, if people *are* interested in you, they'll ask. Of course, sometimes people might be interested, but afraid to ask due to their own shyness. The point is, you can't force something like this. You're better off taking your time, getting to know people on a casual level, and letting it develop from there. Trying to force people to take an interest in you just won't work.
Author Raderick Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Is this on or offline? This is the thing about online dating is that I've noticed people are awkward about the whole question thing. On one hand, I've had fellows ask me a question, answered it, and then had them be offended that I didn't immediately ask them a question (it's not that I never ask people questions or aren't interested in them, but I don't understand how it has to be Q, A, Q, A. . . to me that's an awkward conversational flow). Obviously, this ruined the interaction, and we didn't communicate much after that. I've ask fellows ONLY ask me questions and say very little about themselves. That feels a bit awkward and worse to me. Most of the time I notice people fall too far on this end. I've been chatting with a fellow (because I'm moving; not on the same continent) for awhile now, and we have a pretty easy flow. But he doesn't ask loads of questions. He asks some, I assume when he has one, and I ask some, when I have them, and we tell stories and comment on each others' stories and comments. Too many questions feels like an interview. So, the girls probably feel like you're "interviewing" them and have no desire to reciprocate. Tell more; ask less. And don't ask just to ask, except at the very beginning where you don't know WHAT to say. Ask questions that are actually interesting. Questions should arise from the interesting things you've said. Nothing in that conversation is particularly interesting. The general rule is if you want her to know why you were in Seattle or why you like it, why didn't you just tell her when you were talking about it. Why not add a hint of that into the sentence, instead of waiting for her to ask you about it? I don't see why you're waiting for someone to pull that out of you. But, if you're getting one word answers like "Cool," then the girl hasn't decided she wants to talk to you much. That's especially bad in person. Less bad online, especially at the beginning, when it can be very awkward to IM especially. If it's in person, that just sounds like an awkward conversation. It's both on and offline. It does seem like an interview, people don't give in-depth answers in general and thus I'm stuck with trying to get them to open up a bit more.
zengirl Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 It's both on and offline. It does seem like an interview, people don't give in-depth answers in general and thus I'm stuck with trying to get them to open up a bit more. Online, that could just be awkwardness. In person, that means: "I'm not into you." And she really isn't interested in learning anything about you. . . so there's nothing you can do to change that.
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Raredick, I disagree that you should want the girl to be asking about YOU. Girls love to talk about themselves and the more they have a chance to do that with you the more they believe you are a fascinating individual. Also, them not knowing too much about you retains your air of mystery which is a turn on to chicks. They can also fill in details about you from their unconstructed dreamspace. What girls are REALLY interested in is: how much money does he make; does he drive a nice car; does he have a nice home/nice apartment; is he a high status individual; do other women desire him; how many women has he banged in the past; how big is his willy; how good is he at sex/can he give me toe-curling orgasms; is he man enough to "seduce" me in a way which will allow me to believe I call the shots yet to pretend somehow he talked me into it; will he make me suck his thingy and if so will I have to swallow; can he keep his mouth shut, or will he bang me then go bragging to his friends about the slut that he's just bagged. None of the things girls really want to know about you can easily be worked into the sort of getting to know you chit chat you're talking about. So let the girl talk as much as she wants about herself.
bac Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 If you are talking on IM on dating sites, it is hard to be serious and focused there. Because it feels like a silly game. A girl typically has 3-4 screens of different conversations with different guys. All she is trying to do is at least to type the right answer to the right guy. In other words, it is not personal communication. It is much more personal to use a regular email or phone to make sure that you are the only guy she is talking to right now.
Gallaxia Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 If you are talking on IM on dating sites, it is hard to be serious and focused there. Because it feels like a silly game. A girl typically has 3-4 screens of different conversations with different guys. All she is trying to do is at least to type the right answer to the right guy. In other words, it is not personal communication. It is much more personal to use a regular email or phone to make sure that you are the only guy she is talking to right now. Precisely. This is why I think technology today is deteriorating our social skills. All the simultaneous multi-convos. And then the good (genuine) people (OP) find themselves stuck not knowing what to do, because possibly some person with a deflated sense of self-worth "finally" feels their desirability in 672 open (barely casual) IM boxes of surface convos, all at once. Arrrgh! Sorry for the rant. OP maybe try to create the convo in such a way that the other person may be interested in asking you stuff. Give enough to entice, and see if they bite.
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