Single Woman vs. The World

[SassyKitten]

One observation I've noticed about the circles I run in is that virtually every woman my age is either in a relationship or sleeping around. I don't want to be doing either of these things right now, as I only seem to be able to attract men who want to drag me down, and the idea of being used as a blowup doll really does not appeal to me.

 

But then when I try and make friends, they either can't make plans because they're spending time with their boyfriend, or they want to bring him along! And then it makes it even harder for me to be single, when everyone who is not their boyfriend is treated as second class.

 

Not to mention the media shoving it in our face, with 90%+ of the songs ever released being about love to the fact that I can't even log onto Netflix without images of couples getting snuggly and watching movies!!

 

I want to be fine with being single, I really do, but it would make it a lot easier if I could go through at least a day, let alone an hour, without it being shoved in my face!!!!!

[Sphere]

I've been single for a year and a half now and that relationship lasted 11 months, my longest so far, yet I never felt unhappy, bitter or frustrated by the fact that couples were kissing out in the street in front of me, or the fact that certain nightclubs turned me away for not having a girlfriend or the fact that the media are obsessed with love and couples.

 

I think it's a good thing that there are couples out there who truly love each other and who are happy, but all this becomes a problem when desperation, neediness and bitterness come to the fore.

 

You need a form of escapism Sassy, a trip to Europe will do wonders for your wretched state of mind.

 

Single woman vs the world? Yeah right, a more appropriate title would be desperate woman trying to survive in the world.

[jamesum]

Having a partner is not a need.

 

But sex is a need which drives you to seek a mate in the first place. Sex deprivation adds to the frustration.

 

Maybe you should get some kind of friend with benefits to lessen the tension. Find someone respectable whom you can trust.

[zengirl]

The title of your post says a lot about your problem. If you set yourself up to be "versus" anything, especially the world, you're hurting yourself.

 

I believe the path to happiness involves 2 things: (1) Kindness and acceptance towards the world and (2) Kindness and acceptance towards yourself.

 

A few things:

 

On Making Friends

 

1. Why can't you be friends with the women who are sleeping around? They don't want to bring their boyfriends, do they?

 

2. There must be some single girls in your area. There just must be. You may have to go a few years down, since I'm guessing you're in a college town and many of the single girls will be college gals, and you're a bit older than the average for it. But I'm sure there are some single gals going to your university.

 

3. Why can't you hang out with couples? I do. All the time. Some of my best friends are couples. It really doesn't bother me. I've been in a couple and had single friends who hung out with me both separately and with my SO. I've hung out with the single friends of various SOs (with the SO). Most of them aren't going to try to be too schmoopy and/or jump each other in front of you. And they might help you with your dating sense, frankly, as coupled up people (in healthy relationships) are excellent people to ask for dating advice when you need to reflect and aren't seeing clearly through infatuation or fear.

 

On Media, etc

 

1. First of all, nothing makes you feel bad about being single except you. All your psychological pain is caused by 1 person: You. It is your reaction to it that allows it to exist. That's not to say I think all psychological pain can be eliminated wholly, but it can be easily managed if you realize this, are kind to yourself, and begin to recognize the patterns in your own psychology. Reflection is crucial.

 

2. Why do happy people or images make you feel unhappy? Likely, it's jealousy. Jealousy belies an unkindness towards the world, though I'm sure it's unintentional on your part. You begrudge people their happiness because it highlights a part of your psychology that causes you to be unkind to yourself. This happens a lot and is totally human. It's also completely possible to overcome once you realize it's happening.

[SassyKitten]

See, but you're lucky, you're a man. As a woman, it is a very noticeable fact that among other things, it is much easier to make friends when you are in a relationship.

 

About how much time combined in your life would you say you have been in relationships? As for me, I would say a year and a half total. It might be easier if I was capable of having a series of flings without attachment, then at least my libido is satisfied, but I'm not.

[SassyKitten]

James - I'm not capable of having sex without attachment, so bad idea, for me anyway.

 

Zengirl - It's not a college town I live in, in fact a very large number of my classmates are wearing wedding rings. This is an area where people tend to get married young, at age 19. And really, the crux of what makes me jealous is this is one area of my life where I've been sorely lacking due to circumstances from my past which are outside of my control. While I am working, hard, on them, I am still sick of going to bed alone every night because of this and anxiously awaiting the day when I don't have to do that anymore.

[Sphere]

 

About how much time combined in your life would you say you have been in relationships? As for me, I would say a year and a half total. It might be easier if I was capable of having a series of flings without attachment, then at least my libido is satisfied, but I'm not.

 

I've had two relationships, one lasted 14 and the other one 11 months. So that is 35 months of my life spent with two women. Yet this is all irrelevent. It seems your desperation is getting the better of you and it will put men off. Your state of mind is wrong, your attitude is wrong and your view of the world is skewed at best. You need to back away from the dating game before you do more emotional damage to yourself.

 

Unfortunately, I have afforded you so much advice and you still do not listen. I'm pretty much done with it now, Sassy! You'll have to learn for yourself, the hard way. Good luck and God Bless.

[zengirl]

Zengirl - It's not a college town I live in, in fact a very large number of my classmates are wearing wedding rings. This is an area where people tend to get married young, at age 19. And really, the crux of what makes me jealous is this is one area of my life where I've been sorely lacking due to circumstances from my past which are outside of my control. While I am working, hard, on them, I am still sick of going to bed alone every night because of this and anxiously awaiting the day when I don't have to do that anymore.

 

This confuses me. Do you live far from the school you attend? Is it a satellite campus? If it's a main campus, there must be a fair amount of gals going there, unless it's some sort of really random tech college. There must be at least a few legitimately single girls, likely a few that feel the same way you do. Are you doing anything to actively meet them? I'm moving to a new place soon. . . .I've already reached out and started to make friends through Meetup groups, online options, FB, etc. I've joined a book club and a few other things. I've researched volunteer opportunities. I just don't believe there are no single women for you to befriend.

 

I'm not disputing what most people do, mind you. The numbers aren't so much the issue as being able to find like-minded folks. I live in an area where 97% of the people don't speak my language and I have loads of friends in that 3% that do. I've always been a minority in terms of religion and politics, interests, etc. But I've always actively sought out like-minded people.

 

I understand why it makes you jealous. My point is that the mind is a muscle, and while you can't "tone" it overnight, you can choose what you believe over time and not reinforce the parts of your psychology that make you unhappy. I'm not saying turn into some kind of naive dimwit. Or pretend you never have pain. I'm saying don't turn pain into suffering by viewing it as the only natural path.

[SassyKitten]

Unfortunately, I have afforded you so much advice and you still do not listen. I'm pretty much done with it now, Sassy! You'll have to learn for yourself, the hard way. Good luck and God Bless.

 

I've had a hard time seeing the advice in there, it's more thoughts than anything. Unfortunately, the world hasn't been kind to me. I mean, hell, I was beat up frequently in high school for not having a boyfriend, among other things. I've fixed everything else and fit in in every regard now except for the boyfriend part. And I'm desperate, yes, but do you throw around the label "desperate" like it's something against them towards starving people living on the streets?

 

The only way forward I can think of for now is to be able to go through my life and make friends without thinking about what I'm missing. And because of the fact that I can't hold onto a relationship because of trust issues stemming from traumatic things that were done to me, it's not as easy for me as it is for most people.

[SassyKitten]

This confuses me. Do you live far from the school you attend? Is it a satellite campus? If it's a main campus, there must be a fair amount of gals going there, unless it's some sort of really random tech college. There must be at least a few legitimately single girls, likely a few that feel the same way you do. Are you doing anything to actively meet them?

 

I understand why it makes you jealous. My point is that the mind is a muscle, and while you can't "tone" it overnight, you can choose what you believe over time and not reinforce the parts of your psychology that make you unhappy. I'm not saying turn into some kind of naive dimwit. Or pretend you never have pain. I'm saying don't turn pain into suffering by viewing it as the only natural path.

 

The university I go to has 6,000 students, and no on-campus housing. There are also a lot of non-traditional students there, with the average age being 27. And when I have tried to make friends, the other huge thing that gets in the way is religion. I'm an athiest, and when I've been open about this I've been ostracized by the students at my school. This is Georgia, where a large number of students are Baptist or Pentecostal. I've all but given up on making friends in this area, there's only so much of being labelled a heathen witch that I can take.

 

I guess if the mind is a muscle, one thing I am sorely lacking on is patience. This is something I can distinctly remember craving since I was 12, which is 16 years and over half my life.

[jamesum]

Georgia on My Mind.

[SassyKitten]

Georgia on My Mind.

 

I know, heaven on Earth, right?

[Sphere]

And because of the fact that I can't hold onto a relationship because of trust issues stemming from traumatic things that were done to me, it's not as easy for me as it is for most people.

 

Then you need therapy.

[zengirl]

The university I go to has 6,000 students, and no on-campus housing. There are also a lot of non-traditional students there, with the average age being 27. And when I have tried to make friends, the other huge thing that gets in the way is religion. I'm an athiest, and when I've been open about this I've been ostracized by the students at my school. This is Georgia, where a large number of students are Baptist or Pentecostal. I've all but given up on making friends in this area, there's only so much of being labelled a heathen witch that I can take.

 

I guess if the mind is a muscle, one thing I am sorely lacking on is patience. This is something I can distinctly remember craving since I was 12, which is 16 years and over half my life.

 

I'm not denying where you live might be hard, but I am asking if you've truly exhausted all the options available to you. From what you've said in other threads. . . it just seems to me like you haven't.

 

Okay, this is kind of a side-note, but since you brought it up: What kind of an atheist are you? I ask because sometimes people who've felt beaten down about it, sometimes react with their own negativity. I've got loads of friends who are atheists, a few of them "angry atheists," as I'm really pretty not-so-fond of religion myself, but I've also got friends who are devote Christians, Mormons, Jews, Buddhists, agnostics, Wiccans, etc. I know loads of them who aren't open to other religions. It was actually suggested I leave an Atheists and Freethinkers meeting I went to with a former SO because they found out I wasn't an "Atheist" when I said, "No, but I'm a freethinker," they said that was impossible that I couldn't possibly have my own thoughts if I believed in a God at all. This is where the silly "Atheist Agenda" crap comes from. Personally, I try to disparage the notion, as I find most atheists are just fine, so long as they haven't felt too attacked themselves. It's like most people. The more attacked they feel, the more aggressive they can be.

 

I think this applies to your singledom, even if not to your atheism. From the way you post here, I get the feeling that you start a lot of things on the defensive, about being single, about being attractive and smart, about being whatever. Something to think about anyway.

[SassyKitten]

Then you need therapy.

 

That is the ultimate canned advice. FYI I have been in therapy for 8 years now. But no amount of talking to a therapist can erase the memories I have, which is why I'm trying hypnotherapy as soon as I can afford it.

[SassyKitten]

I'm not denying where you live might be hard, but I am asking if you've truly exhausted all the options available to you. From what you've said in other threads. . . it just seems to me like you haven't.

 

Okay, this is kind of a side-note, but since you brought it up: What kind of an atheist are you?

 

I think this applies to your singledom, even if not to your atheism. From the way you post here, I get the feeling that you start a lot of things on the defensive, about being single, about being attractive and smart, about being whatever. Something to think about anyway.

 

I'm more of an agnostic, and it truly pisses me off when people try to direct something so personal as how I view the spiritual world. There may be one, there may not be, who knows. And I have a huge problem with organized religion. It was also something that was shoved down my throat repeatedly growing up. And a minister at my mother's church gave a serson about how hurricane Katrina was sent to punish the gays in New Orleans.

 

The truth is, in this area especially, I feel attacked for being myself. When I was growing up, I was attacked for being fat, and for being cranky as I was also beat up at home. In my adulthood, I lost weight, and now I get attacked for being thin, and for being more outspoken than society lets women be. I've given up on letting people try and tell me I am the problem, (with a few exceptions) people are the problem.

[SassyKitten]

Making friends and then of course having them available can be so tough.

 

Keyword is definitely the part about having them available.

[Sphere]

It seems to be easier to make friends while in a relationship, sadly.

 

That's not been the case with me. I find it easy making friends whatever my status. Maybe you have problems making friends because you are miserable? Unhappy people often have difficulties with their social lives.

[SassyKitten]

I just wish they would wear a sign saying where they are so we wouldn't have to spend years searching for them.

 

Yes, that would be great!!!! Most of my friends are outside of this area who I met travelling over the years.

 

Sphere - I would imagine making friends as a single person would be much easier for men. If you had to be a woman for even a day, I would imagine it would change your perspective completely.

[SassyKitten]

I know that feeling all too well. The words "I'm busy" are often some of the most painful words to hear for me.

 

Very painful, it feels like they're saying "You're not important. Where's your man?"

 

Grrrr.

[Sphere]

 

Sphere - I would imagine making friends as a single person would be much easier for men. If you had to be a woman for even a day, I would imagine it would change your perspective completely.

 

You have problems making friends because you are a negative person. Negative people have few friends because they bring everyone's mood down who associates with them.

[SassyKitten]

Sphere - Well if anyone ever gives me some insight on how to stop craving these things that are normal seeing as I can't get them because of my history, then maybe I won't be so negative!! I'm not a bad person at all, but I have survived a lot of going to hell and back that has left me exhausted.

 

Gamma - I feel for you, and it isn't truly easy for anyone. I'm not expecting moving up north and then overseas to fix everything, but it will be encouraging to be around more people who I can relate to.

[zengirl]

Venting out of frustration does not mean someone is a negative person in general.

 

Very true.

 

SK, I say try to be open-minded and exhaust all possible options for friendships, if that's what you want. Try to find something that makes you really happy, whatever that is, that you can access now. Not in the future when you live somewhere different. Get as much happiness as you can into your life, little by little.

 

And don't beat yourself up about being single, or beat the world up about it (both wind up beating yourself up). It's really not a character flaw. And anyone who sees it as one isn't someone to get angry at. . . it's someone to laugh off. Really.

 

I know that all sounds easier said than done, of course. Aren't you going to Montreal soon?

[SassyKitten]

Zengirl - I fly to Montreal tomorrow morning!!

 

I'm nervous about a few things though in light of my recent breakup. First, that my hormones will get the best of me and I'll end up having a rebound fling. And also, that there won't be many single people at the hostel I'm staying at who aren't sleeping around. It would just be really nice to hang out with people who are on my wavelength, but still, my odds are greater there than here.

 

Gamma - Precisely! Here, it is very sparsely populated with a large concentration of born-again Christians and Republicans who constantly question why I haven't been married off and knocked up by now.

[somedude81]

I'm nervous about a few things though in light of my recent breakup. First, that my hormones will get the best of me and I'll end up having a rebound fling.

I was feeling bad for you up until this point.

 

What an amazing world they live in, where girls just know they are going to get laid. It must be great to be able to have a release when ever you want one.

 

Sadly, just knowing that men have it so much harder than you, won't do a thing to alleviate your pain. We are bombarded with the same media messages as you that we have to be in love or be in a relationship with somebody. Right now I have to turn away when ever people are kissing on tv or else my eyes will start to water.

 

Don't have too much fun on your trip.