kalikula Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 ^ I disagree. Don't try and change someone that you date... It's like dating a guy without a job or license and putting pressure on him to get a life. It's not going to work. If I were her I would be put off by your nit picking that she's "not trying hard enough". She's already started her journey and I don't see what exactly you're going to do by telling her to try harder.. That would just make me feel more pressure and probably create backlash. The only strategy I think that would be effective is eating really healthy together, gym dates or running together, going to the farmers market..
Enchanted Girl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 (edited) There are more things about a woman than her physical appearance that a man finds attractive. Speaking from my own experience, as a man who has always been rather obsessed with his physical appearance, it really hasn't been the main interest to me with regard to the opposite sex. Maybe she's funny, maybe she's charming, maybe she's bright, maybe she's caring, maybe she's good in bed? Why throw all that away or watch it waste away as she succumbs to illness and poor self-image. I really think we need to be encouraging to both of them. Health is important to him, not appearance, IMO. Yea, but why did he date her in the first place if this was so important to him? A deal breaker, for me, personally, is someone who is a workaholic. I could never be with a man who couldn't relax and had no time for me. I'm more easy going than that and more focused on relationships. We'd be incompatible. So I stayed away from workaholics in the first place. He could tell this woman was overweight from a mile away. I can't tell people are workaholics from a mile away, but I managed to avoid them anyway. He could have avoided having feelings for this girl if it was really that big of problem for him. Besides, trying to change your partner is pointless. They'll either change on their own anyway (which means you didn't have to say anything in the first place for it to happen) or resent you every time you nag them about it (and you'll resent them, too, for not changing.) This is why I can avoid being a naggy woman. My boyfriend says that I don't nag at all and it's because I know that harassing a man about something isn't going to change them. I either can accept him the way he is or I can't. I don't think it's necessarily bad to bring up a concern once or twice, but if you're that upset about it and bringing it up over and over again, then you both are just going to be miserable in the relationship and nothing is going to happen. It's just going to end. This isn't about what's easy either. It's actually HARDER to end a relationship, then just keep harassing the person over and over again to become what you want. This comment was more generalized than the one person I quoted by the way. I just didn't quote everyone. Edited August 4, 2010 by Enchanted Girl
spookie Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 She's already trying to lose weight... what exactly do you want to communicate? "Your moments of relapse are unacceptable to me"? I too think it's extremely annoying when fat people lose weight and suddenly turn into health nazis. My brother is like that - always criticizing everyone for their food choices, even people who have never been fat in their lives. It's a real drag to be around him.
D-Lish Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 It seems that the op and this girl have been bonding over their fitness and weight loss project. I'm not sure why everyone thinks he should leave her- I think he should keep supporting her and motivating her to help achieve her personal weight loss goal.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 It seems that the op and this girl have been bonding over their fitness and weight loss project. I'm not sure why everyone thinks he should leave her- I think he should keep supporting her and motivating her to help achieve her personal weight loss goal. I second that. I personally don't think anyone who hasn't been very obese and suffered the heart ache has a clue but they sure have lots of opinions. It has to be taken heart-attack serious and not trivialized as a momentary food choice or meaningless relapse. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease as they say in 12 step fellowships and food addictions are complicated things with tentacles that reach into one's core just like crack because they both effect the same brain pleasure system. I think that I can communicate that in a way that wouldn't hurt someone I am seeing who is giving me cause to worry about. We can do it, baby! Rah-rah and all that. Lot's of hugs and atta-girls.
zengirl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I'm going to have to disagree with the masses on this one... First of all, to answer your question, the best way to let her know that health, fitness, and good nutrition is important to you is simply by consistently living that lifestyle. Actions speak much louder than words. When she sees that you are exercising, staying in shape, and eating good healthy foods, she will be more inclined to do the same. Second, a lot of you feel that he should just leave her...I disagree...I understand that you shouldn't approach a relationship with the intention of changing your partner, but to say that individuals should remain stagnant is a bit silly...people change...for better and for worse...and we each react differently to the people around us...some people will get motivated to improve themselves by seeing those around them do the same...others will just hide underneath insecurities and say to hell with it, you will like me the way I am or not like me at all... Relationships are meant to help us grow as individuals. Those who refuse to evolve end up getting left behind... You make some good points. I certainly agree that people don't remain stagnant and do change (for better or worse). I would just find it bad footing to get into a relationship with someone who was already seeking to change me or vice versa. Changing together organically and by mutual commitment to the relationship can be done quite healthily. . . it's more the attitude of entering with the intention of asking/wanting someone to change which I question. It's not so much an insecurity thing as it is about control. Seeking to change someone is controlling. Forming a solid relationship does, at some point, mean consciously deciding to build a relationship together, and that includes changing together and continually working on things. But it's done by mutual agreement based upon something wonderful first, not by saying, "Well, she'd be the perfect girl for me if she just ________________." I've met guys like the latter and they drive me batty. Maybe the OP and this gal have similar goals and can work together to be healthy and fit, but if he goes into it thinking and saying "Well, it's important to me that you lose the weight, or it's going to hurt our relationship" (or anything that suggests he wants to TELL her about being a healthy weight), that seems like building a relationship on a house of cards.
Holding-On Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I'm getting from the OP's post that he has managed to lose the weight and is terrified of ending up gaining it again. So, now that he is falling for this woman, he is starting to worry that she will change back (something he is worried about in himself) or be an obstacle to staying fit. An example of this might be two heavy drinkers where one is still slipping and socially drinking a bit here and there. So the ex-drinker is worried that as a partner, this social drinker might make staying away from the drink harder rather than easier. OP - Do I have that right? So my advice is to own your fear. You can only see what happens in your relationship but 1. She is losing weight. That is a big plus. 2. She can understand your triggers and fears. Would being with someone who is very healthy but never has to think about what they eat be easier? 3. You have to stop taking her set-backs personally. Sure you lost weight quickly but not everyone is you. 4. You don't have to move in with her so her personal habits at home are not likely to bite you 5. You have a date who can appreciate "doing healthy things" as dates - so that's a huge plus. You can own your fear with her. "I am scared of gaining the weight back, I want to be active every chance I get" I agree with previous posters that you should plan dates that encourage fitness (hikes, bikes, walking, trips on the water etc) and stay away from eating out. This will likely ease your feeling of lack of control (and you don't have control over whether she stays on the health track or not, but you don't have that with a fit to begin with woman either). If she doesn't want to do active dates to help you both out, then you know she will not be a good partner for you and you can let her go without qualms.
flying Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I'm getting from the OP's post that he has managed to lose the weight and is terrified of ending up gaining it again. So, now that he is falling for this woman, he is starting to worry that she will change back (something he is worried about in himself) or be an obstacle to staying fit. An example of this might be two heavy drinkers where one is still slipping and socially drinking a bit here and there. So the ex-drinker is worried that as a partner, this social drinker might make staying away from the drink harder rather than easier. OP - Do I have that right? So my advice is to own your fear. You can only see what happens in your relationship but 1. She is losing weight. That is a big plus. 2. She can understand your triggers and fears. Would being with someone who is very healthy but never has to think about what they eat be easier? 3. You have to stop taking her set-backs personally. Sure you lost weight quickly but not everyone is you. 4. You don't have to move in with her so her personal habits at home are not likely to bite you 5. You have a date who can appreciate "doing healthy things" as dates - so that's a huge plus. You can own your fear with her. "I am scared of gaining the weight back, I want to be active every chance I get" I agree with previous posters that you should plan dates that encourage fitness (hikes, bikes, walking, trips on the water etc) and stay away from eating out. This will likely ease your feeling of lack of control (and you don't have control over whether she stays on the health track or not, but you don't have that with a fit to begin with woman either). If she doesn't want to do active dates to help you both out, then you know she will not be a good partner for you and you can let her go without qualms. Yes, this is what I was getting at as well. I guess I'd still like to know why, if she has lost a significant amount of weight and is still exercising/eating healthfully, he's worried that she's not motivated or whatever? What signs do you see of this, OP? Or is this just your own fear talking?
lovebugguy Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I see where you're coming from, however, most women I know are very sensitive with their weight. Even though they are concerned with losing weight, having someone, especially their boyfriend, tell them that they need to lose weight can be a bit offensive. It's good that you are concerned with her health, but you should not be too focused on that. Just like what everybody here said, you need to accept her for what she is.
meerkat stew Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I see where you're coming from, however, most women I know are very sensitive with their weight. Agreed, and it's high time they dropped that attitude if they want to be considered equal. Lots of men are sensitive about their height, something they have no control over whatsoever, yet women reserve the right to select men based partially or even mostly on height. Exact same thing with women and weight other than weight and lifestyle are well within most people's control to change.
zengirl Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I see where you're coming from, however, most women I know are very sensitive with their weight. Even though they are concerned with losing weight, having someone, especially their boyfriend, tell them that they need to lose weight can be a bit offensive. It's good that you are concerned with her health, but you should not be too focused on that. Just like what everybody here said, you need to accept her for what she is. Are men not concerned with this too? I've known quite a few men who were concerned with their weight/fitness and certainly wouldn't love to hear their SO say they are looking flabby/unfit/etc. I don't think this is just a woman thing. Maybe women are a bit more vocal in fussing about it, on average, and struggling with their weight, but I don't think anyone wants their SO telling them, "You're looking chunky this week" or whatever. I also don't think guys want to hear, "You've lost a little more hair this month; what's up with that?" Or, "Yikes, you're really starting to get some ugly pimples there." I mean. . . that's just human nature, no? We want our partners, especially, to make us feel attractive. I'm just assuming.
Author rtf0007 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Yes, this is what I was getting at as well. I guess I'd still like to know why, if she has lost a significant amount of weight and is still exercising/eating healthfully, he's worried that she's not motivated or whatever? What signs do you see of this, OP? Or is this just your own fear talking? I see where you're coming from, however, most women I know are very sensitive with their weight. Even though they are concerned with losing weight, having someone, especially their boyfriend, tell them that they need to lose weight can be a bit offensive. It's good that you are concerned with her health, but you should not be too focused on that. Just like what everybody here said, you need to accept her for what she is. Yes, It is mainly my own fear talking. I care about her very much. I think about her throughout the day and look forward to seeing her on the weekends. She is a very caring, smart, funny person. As for being with someone skinny, im not attracted to this. I actually like a little meat on my womans bones. For those who say I should dump her, what would you do if you went out with someone for 3 mths and really like that person only to find out they have an addiction. Would you dump them right away or try to help them? Sure I saw she was overweight before I even formally met her, but I am not a shallow person. I reserve my judgement for who people are inside, not for what they look like on the outside. So, like others have said, the only thing I can really do is continue to support her quest for her ideal weight. I am also in the same boat, still need to lose about 10 more lbs and tone up. I am far from being the perfect guy. Thanks for all the responses. I respect everyones opinion.
meerkat stew Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Are men not concerned with this too? I've known quite a few men who were concerned with their weight/fitness and certainly wouldn't love to hear their SO say they are looking flabby/unfit/etc. I don't think this is just a woman thing. No one likes undue criticism, true, but bringing up a woman's weight is a gender "third rail" as many replies in this and other similar threads evidence. There is no comparison between the uproar that making an issue of a woman's weight causes v making an issue of a man's weight, none. It -is- mostly a woman thing.
robinmarkk Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Healthy weight is important for everyone. Heavy weight is create so many problems in life. You just tell your girlfriend the disadvantages of heavy weight. You can tell her all this thing with love. I hope she understand you and your feelings for her.
Mary3 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 OP unless you continue with strong exersize and reduction of fats/sweets, ect. you will gain back that weight. And so will she...
elaina Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) I'm going to have to disagree with the masses on this one... First of all, to answer your question, the best way to let her know that health, fitness, and good nutrition is important to you is simply by consistently living that lifestyle. Actions speak much louder than words. When she sees that you are exercising, staying in shape, and eating good healthy foods, she will be more inclined to do the same. Second, a lot of you feel that he should just leave her...I disagree...I understand that you shouldn't approach a relationship with the intention of changing your partner, but to say that individuals should remain stagnant is a bit silly...people change...for better and for worse...and we each react differently to the people around us...some people will get motivated to improve themselves by seeing those around them do the same...others will just hide underneath insecurities and say to hell with it, you will like me the way I am or not like me at all... Relationships are meant to help us grow as individuals. Those who refuse to evolve end up getting left behind... Hello USMChokie, I agree with you. I'm 20 lbs. heavier than I want to be (I'm 5'4'' and 147 lbs, and would like to be around 127 lbs - I used to be when I was in my 20s!) and am dieting and working out, but it really helps when my friends (both male and female) support me. I'm so glad they don't dump me as a friend just because of my weight struggle! One male friend keeps me accountable in working out and encourages me. As a divorced woman, I do hope to get married again, and be beautiful for "Special Someone". Since he's not in my life right now (as far as I know) , he can't support me personally, but I hope that once I get into a relationship, that he'll love me for who I am, AND that he'll encourage me to be healthy, and not just dump me if I am having weight problems, but rather encourage me, lead by example, and not just go off to find someone that doesn't have a weight problem. Edited August 5, 2010 by elaina
meerkat stew Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 You have a great attitude elaina, and I bet you reach every goal you set out to achieve, weight or otherwise. The amount of overweight you describe in your case is far below what most of these threads involve. By and large, these threads aren't about an "extra 20." Lots of folks out there, male and female, end up stuck with lazy, inconsiderate partners who let themselves become morbidly obese in relationships and then are made to feel bad if they ever say anything about it.
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