How do I tell a girl that being a healthy weight is important to me?

[rtf0007]

First off, Ive been recently divorced after 10 years marriage.

 

About me. Ive lost about 80 lbs within the past year. Partly due to divorce stress/depression, partly due to the fact ive been the most active ive been since high school (20 years).

 

I started seeing someone about a month ago. We have been friends for about 2 mths. She has also lost a good bit of weight within the past year, about 40lbs. She is still overweight though, needs to lose about 40-50lbs more to be her ideal weight. She is very self conscience about her weight. We haven't had sex yet and I believe its mainly due to this issue. She says she exercises and has been eating healthy, but I want her to know that being active and at a healthy weight is important to me. I never want to get to the obese state I was in before my weight loss. Whenever we talk about exercising, I am supportive and congratulate her on her progress. Sometimes though I think she may not be trying hard enough or keeping to her eating/exercising program. Without hurting her feelings, how can I tell her that being a healthy weight is important to me? I am not a shallow person, I do not want to hurt her feelings and I know she wants to get to her target weight.

[that girl]

How do I tell a girl that being a healthy weight is important to me?

You don't. You can however look for someone who puts a priority on fitness.

 

Ive lost about 80 lbs within the past year. Partly due to divorce stress/depression, partly due to the fact ive been the most active ive been since high school (20 years).

And you don't know if you will still be at that weight 2 or 20 years down the line.

 

She is still overweight though, needs to lose about 40-50lbs more to be her ideal weight.

Has she said this or is this your assumption?

 

We haven't had sex yet and I believe its mainly due to this issue. She says she exercises and has been eating healthy, but I want her to know that being active and at a healthy weight is important to me. .... Whenever we talk about exercising, I am supportive and congratulate her on her progress. Sometimes though I think she may not be trying hard enough or keeping to her eating/exercising program. Without hurting her feelings, how can I tell her that being a healthy weight is important to me? I am not a shallow person, I do not want to hurt her feelings and I know she wants to get to her target weight.

My guess is that she has already picked up on your dislike of her body and your feeling that she isn't active enough and that is a big part of the reason why she is so self-conscious around you.

 

I think you need to end things and find someone you are attracted to as they are now.

[Enchanted Girl]

I agree with that girl, 100%.

 

Either dump her because being fit is super important to you or ignore it.

 

Relationships aren't about changing the other person, it's about knowing whether or not you can accept them the way they are. If you can't, then leave.

[sloudrou]

First off, Ive been recently divorced after 10 years marriage.

 

About me. Ive lost about 80 lbs within the past year. Partly due to divorce stress/depression, partly due to the fact ive been the most active ive been since high school (20 years).

 

I started seeing someone about a month ago. We have been friends for about 2 mths. She has also lost a good bit of weight within the past year, about 40lbs. She is still overweight though, needs to lose about 40-50lbs more to be her ideal weight. She is very self conscience about her weight. We haven't had sex yet and I believe its mainly due to this issue. She says she exercises and has been eating healthy, but I want her to know that being active and at a healthy weight is important to me. I never want to get to the obese state I was in before my weight loss. Whenever we talk about exercising, I am supportive and congratulate her on her progress. Sometimes though I think she may not be trying hard enough or keeping to her eating/exercising program. Without hurting her feelings, how can I tell her that being a healthy weight is important to me? I am not a shallow person, I do not want to hurt her feelings and I know she wants to get to her target weight.

 

My first inclination on reading this is to call troll, but just in case you're actually serious about it...

 

Generally if you date someone or later get into a serious relationship with them, you are accepting that person AS THEY ARE TODAY. So if she's 50lbs overweight, you're effective accepting that by dating her. If her weight is really that important to you, perhaps you should be dating someone else who is at or closer to your desired weight.

[Citizen Erased]

You should be dating the person she is now rather than the one you hope she will change into.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I agree with that girl, 100%.

 

Either dump her because being fit is super important to you or ignore it.

 

Relationships aren't about changing the other person, it's about knowing whether or not you can accept them the way they are. If you can't, then leave.

Exactly 100% you need to move on..

[rtf0007]

I figured I would be crucified when posting this question. Every woman I have been with has weighed more than me in body fat/height ratio then me. Did this stop me from loving them, no. I believe that health is important. To many people in my family have been or are obese and have many health problems because of it.

 

And you don't know if you will still be at that weight 2 or 20 years down the line.

 

True. Its up to me to keep my diet and exercise (health in general) that way.

 

Has she said this or is this your assumption?

 

She has told me this. We talk about exercise and diet often.

 

My guess is that she has already picked up on your dislike of her body and your feeling that she isn't active enough and that is a big part of the reason why she is so self-conscious around you.

 

No. She has told me why she has always been self-conscious and the reasons why. I think she is beautiful and sexy.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I figured I would be crucified when posting this question. Every woman I have been with has weighed more than me in body fat/height ratio then me. Did this stop me from loving them, no. I believe that health is important. To many people in my family have been or are obese and have many health problems because of it.

 

 

 

True. Its up to me to keep my diet and exercise (health in general) that way.

 

 

 

She has told me this. We talk about exercise and diet often.

 

 

 

No. She has told me why she has always been self-conscious and the reasons why. I think she is beautiful and sexy.

 

Oh gawd no ones trying to crucify you op but you cant be in a relationship with some one when your really not happy with who they are now today. Your here asking how we can help you to change her something neither US or YOU can do.

 

Thats great that healths such a positive thing for you no ones putting that or you down for it but you can't force your beliefs/wants on others thats all were trying to tell you...

[Sophia8]

I agree with what has already been said on this one. If she wants to lose the weight then be supportive to her but not forceful, she has to do it at her own pace.

[Kamille]

Nobody here is telling you there is something wrong with your preference. You're allowed to prefer and seek somebody who puts the same emphasis on fitness as you does.

 

The question is, how have you ended up dating and feeling attracted to someone you already want to change?

 

 

ps: the female body always has a higher fat-height ratio than the male body. See this excerpt from this website: http://home.fuse.net/clymer/bmi/

 

The percentage of body weight considered "essential fat" is around 4% for men and 10% for women. The American Dietetic Association recommends that men have 15-18% body fat and women have 20-25% body fat. Healthy male athletes might be as low as 5-12% body fat, and healthy female athletes could be as low as 10-20%. The American Council on Exercise recommends men's body fat should be 6-25%, and women's should be 14-31%.

[zengirl]

You're not being crucified at all. . . don't be dramatic. You're just being given the very reasonable advice that "fixer uppers" are pointless. Find yourself a girl you like the way she is or accept the one you have. Doing anything else is pointless and only going to lead to unhappiness.

[USMCHokie]

I'm going to have to disagree with the masses on this one...

 

First of all, to answer your question, the best way to let her know that health, fitness, and good nutrition is important to you is simply by consistently living that lifestyle. Actions speak much louder than words. When she sees that you are exercising, staying in shape, and eating good healthy foods, she will be more inclined to do the same.

 

Second, a lot of you feel that he should just leave her...I disagree...I understand that you shouldn't approach a relationship with the intention of changing your partner, but to say that individuals should remain stagnant is a bit silly...people change...for better and for worse...and we each react differently to the people around us...some people will get motivated to improve themselves by seeing those around them do the same...others will just hide underneath insecurities and say to hell with it, you will like me the way I am or not like me at all...

 

Relationships are meant to help us grow as individuals. Those who refuse to evolve end up getting left behind...

[Pink Cupcakes]

You are contradicting yourself when you say you aren't happy with someone who won't lose more weight, yet you also say you find her beautiful and sexy. Now which is it?

[Ruby Slippers]

Losing 40-50 pounds, if done the healthy and sustainable way, should take 6 months to a year. And she might be less likely to succeed if she feels unspoken pressure on her from you.

 

I agree with what others have said: Accept her as she is now, or move on.

 

Also, why did you even start dating someone overweight if you knew this was an issue for you? If nothing else, learn a lesson from this and don't make the same mistake in the future.

[Shakz]

IDK, I suppose I would begin with "being a healthy weight is important to me." Be honest with her, always. If she takes it as an insult remind her that you've been where she is now, that you're not being critical so much as concerned, and extoll the virtues of continuing on with a regimen that will lead to excellent health. Healthy people are happy people.

[Jilly Bean]

If fitness is so important to you, then why would you start dating someone who was obese to begin with?

 

It's like you set yourself up to fail, in a way. You knew she was fat. And now you're complaining because she's still fat.

 

If you had such an issue with this, I truly don't understand why you would date her to begin with, unless this was about control or some kind of effort to change her.

 

If I were you, I'd assume she'll NEVER be thinner, in fact, you'd be safer assuming she'll only get fatter again. You can't tell her to change and lose weight to suit you.

[Shakz]

If fitness is so important to you, then why would you start dating someone who was obese to begin with?

 

There are more things about a woman than her physical appearance that a man finds attractive. Speaking from my own experience, as a man who has always been rather obsessed with his physical appearance, it really hasn't been the main interest to me with regard to the opposite sex. Maybe she's funny, maybe she's charming, maybe she's bright, maybe she's caring, maybe she's good in bed? Why throw all that away or watch it waste away as she succumbs to illness and poor self-image. I really think we need to be encouraging to both of them. Health is important to him, not appearance, IMO.

[meerkat stew]

Instead of answering questions you didn't ask, will try to answer the simple question you did ask.

 

I think it was USMCHokie who touched on the answer, and I'd expand it some. You are going to not only have to create an ultra-healthy, highly active lifestyle for yourself, but to get her involved also. You must set a constant example in the time you two are together, no passive activities, no heavy meals, always on the move. If she values you and wants to be with you, she will adopt the same lifestyle. If she doesn't, you will know that she doesn't really care about you enough to be her best. It's not about -changing- anybody, but about expecting her to have enough self-discipline to be her best for you, just as you should display the self-discipline to be your best for her.

[Kamille]

Aie it is true that I wasn't answering the OP's question. But I am intrigued by the fact that he suddenly feels the need to make sure his partner knows how important a healthy weight is to him.

 

I personally wonder if there isn't something else going on, like a fear of commitment, that's making him suddenly focus on something that doesn't seem to have previously been an issue. I wonder if this is really about her being at a healthy weight, especially since she is already on the way to reaching a healthy weight.

 

I would advise the OP to interpret her capacity to maintain a healthy lifestyle as a token of her love for him. Too co-dependent.

 

But, he can certainly put his own goals of healthy lifestyle on the table. It sounds like he himself worked hard to get what he wants and he can tell her that it's important to him to have a partner who also strives to be fit and healthy - as she is already do it, albeit, with some moments of relapse according to him. How that makes her feel and how she responds to that is up to her. I would advise the OP focus on what she is already doing right, on not on those moments where she seems to cave into temptations. He could adopt a "we're in this together" attitude.

[BentSpine]

Without hurting her feelings, how can I tell her that being a healthy weight is important to me?

The moment when she already is at that healthy weight.

[Kamille]

I would advise the OP to interpret her capacity to maintain a healthy lifestyle as a token of her love for him. Too co-dependent.

 

Edited so that it is clearer: I would advise the OP not to interpret her capacity to maintain a healthy lifestyle as a token of her love for him. Too co-dependent.

[denise_xo]

I'm going to have to disagree with the masses on this one...

 

First of all, to answer your question, the best way to let her know that health, fitness, and good nutrition is important to you is simply by consistently living that lifestyle. Actions speak much louder than words. When she sees that you are exercising, staying in shape, and eating good healthy foods, she will be more inclined to do the same.

 

Second, a lot of you feel that he should just leave her...I disagree...I understand that you shouldn't approach a relationship with the intention of changing your partner, but to say that individuals should remain stagnant is a bit silly...people change...for better and for worse...and we each react differently to the people around us...some people will get motivated to improve themselves by seeing those around them do the same...others will just hide underneath insecurities and say to hell with it, you will like me the way I am or not like me at all...

 

Relationships are meant to help us grow as individuals. Those who refuse to evolve end up getting left behind...

 

I second this - good response.

[amymarieca]

I am all about being healthy and I think everyone else should be too. I do hate it though when people lose a ton of weight and then judge all the fat people around them. Just remember, that you were once 80lbs overweight, so clearly, healthy weight has not always been your priority either. You should know perfectly well how hard it is to lose a large amount of weight, so why would you be so hard on the person you are dating? You are right when you said you'd get a lot of flack for this question. It's not because you are only judging someone for their weight, but being a huge hypocrite about it as well.

[flying]

Whenever we talk about exercising, I am supportive and congratulate her on her progress. Sometimes though I think she may not be trying hard enough or keeping to her eating/exercising program.

 

This is the part I'm curious about...what makes you think she's not trying hard enough, if she's already lost 40 pounds and is still trying to eat right/exercise?

 

I'm not interested in crucifying you, but I do want to point out that it's possible your own anxieties about keeping the weight off and reevaluating your own lifestyle may be spilling over onto this person. Perhaps she's doing this the healthy way, and it's all good, it'll just take a little while longer? Perhaps your anxiety is baseless?

 

I guess what I'm asking is...what are you afraid of, really? I can't help wondering if there's some fear that you have that she'll drag you back down into obesity or something...

[Feelin Frisky]

I'm going to have to disagree with the masses on this one...

 

First of all, to answer your question, the best way to let her know that health, fitness, and good nutrition is important to you is simply by consistently living that lifestyle. Actions speak much louder than words. When she sees that you are exercising, staying in shape, and eating good healthy foods, she will be more inclined to do the same.

 

Second, a lot of you feel that he should just leave her...I disagree...I understand that you shouldn't approach a relationship with the intention of changing your partner, but to say that individuals should remain stagnant is a bit silly...people change...for better and for worse...and we each react differently to the people around us...some people will get motivated to improve themselves by seeing those around them do the same...others will just hide underneath insecurities and say to hell with it, you will like me the way I am or not like me at all...

 

Relationships are meant to help us grow as individuals. Those who refuse to evolve end up getting left behind...

 

I'm with USMCHokie. It's easy to tell someone else to "drop her and move on" but IRL especially as one ages, it isn't a merry go-round meat market out there like it is for 25 year olds. It is certainly a legitimate question and legitimate aim to want to try to keep the one in hand moving in the right direction. And there is legitimate concern that a person with a weight problem can and will revert to their heaviest weight once they feel like they've achieved a partner.

 

Like Chokie said actions speak louder than words. But apparently the OP feels words are needed at this time. So what does he say? I don't know exactly but obesity can be overcome with logic and commitment. My logic is to view food as functional and not to be used for pleasure--then it is a drug--a drug which tends to medicate an absence of other fulfillments. The OP can define a philosophy if he hasn't done so already and ask her to join him on sharing the plan.

 

My advice for the plan is to in fact make a distinction between optimum nutrition and eating merely as planned rote function while consciously waging war against the impulse for instant satisfactions. Make a list of long term satisfactions that come from exposing the demon of pleasure eating and try to post it and keep it up front. The longer term satisfactions can be things like the ability to fit flattering clothes, the aura of accomplishment that other people notice, the ability to want to be photographed instead of being camera shy, the pep in the step that comes with weight loss, the increase in sexual freedom to move and assume different positions, the knowledge that you have a partner in this commitment, the look of youth that comes with improved posture, the ability to get daring when you dance. Stuff like that. It's tough to put a price on what having social confidence will bring but it's a social assurance of invisibility to be a chow hound.

 

Meals must always be planned and never an issue of "what do I feel like having" in the moment. Two people sharing the same strategy is a blessing because there's always times when one can execute the plan when the other is out of sorts. All it starts with really is getting through a single week. Then it sets in that one can do this and is already feeling the benefits.