Why is confidence so sexy?

[SassyKitten]

I actually like you Sassy, I think you're a good natured person which is why I am offering this tough love to you. You keep worrying about reaching thirty and you keeping worrying about having not done this and not done that. In truth you can have these things, you just keep shooting yourself in the foot with your debbie downer attitude.

 

Instead on concentrating on YOU and YOUR PASSIONS, you are putting TOO MUCH emphasis on finding a MAN and in doing so are doing yourself a GRAVE DISSERVICE. When you are TRULY HAPPY is when A MAN will WALK into YOUR LIFE.

 

You are not happy and have no chance of finding anyone decent, because they'll be put off by your state of mind at present.

 

Great job of showing it!

 

One unfortunate reality of being a woman, unless we don't want children, is that we're kind of on a time limit when it comes to finding Mr. Right. In any case, I'm not the type of person who responds well to tough love. Maybe it's a throwback to my childhood. Plus, being an extremely sarcastic person myself, one thing that is very easy to forget when writing emails or posting on boards like this is that sarcasm can easily get lost in context, where it's easy to grasp in normal speech.

[SassyKitten]

Gamma - Thanks! Frustration is a normal part of being human though, it really gets on my damn nerves when people throw around the words "desperate" and "frustrated" towards me like it makes me a bad person. Considering my history, I have every right to feel these things.

[Joe10]

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Edited August 5, 2010 by Joe10

[jamesum]

I think there are other things that factor into the suicide rate, but I won't get into that. I think separating it into simply two groups of men vs. women is. . . difficult. I don't even know if I think any individual has it "emotionally" better in life. Some people get situations that seem easier to me, but are more difficult to them and vice versa, and some get situations that seem easy and they seem to handle easily, but it might also be because they did more emotional work. I tend to think the work we do when we're youngest is magnified. I don't know. I have a lot of thoughts on it that I won't get into, but I think true emotional health and confidence is very complex and completely achievable by anyone on the planet if they want it.

 

In terms of society's affects. . . the problem is that there is no one sociological viewpoint anymore. Many people on this forum have expressed archaic, strict views of manhood and womanhood, but. . . it just isn't so. We live in subsets, not in society as a whole, especially in the United States. Very small parts of your lives are affected by the collective. Much more is affected by your immediate social group and other factors. How you experience such archaic viewpoints depends a lot on your age, socio-economic factors, lifestyle factors, location, religious affiliations, and the people you choose (or are forced to) surround yourself with. I know many men who aren't afraid to show emotion, cry, etc.

 

And even if you're experiencing them, you can always break free. Falling back on them for excuses on why your life is the way it is (such as committing suicide because you bottled up your emotions because you were told it was unmanly to cry or deal with them or whatnot, which is what you seem to be suggesting) seems emotionally lazy, weak, and. . . well, lacking in confidence.

Women and men may go through equal hardship in life.

 

But the biggest difference is that men cannot run to anyone for emotional help. Thats why I said men turn to alcohol and violence instead.

 

When you are having a tough time you can go share with your female friends or family members. But when Im having a tough time, who can I share my feelings with?

 

Maybe its easy for women to say that opening up is easy. But thats like men saying sleeping around is not a big deal. Well, society in general disagrees. Women who sleep around are viewed as sl*ts and men who show emotional weakness are viewed as p*ssies.

 

It really sucks in the emotional department for both genders but probably sucks less for women. One common criticism I hear men making about women is that we're "so emotional", which could be resentment about the fact that we can be expressive. That said, a man who has gone over the top with repressing his emotions is offputting to me, if they can't be decently expressive then how can they make a loving partner?

Maybe it is subconscious jealousy.

 

Besides, I constantly worry that I'm not going to be able to be a good partner to a man just because none of my relationships in hindsight have been, from the man's point of view, lust-based as opposed to love-based. I may have sexual experience, sure, but I get depressed when I think about almost being 30 and never getting to the point in the relationship where I've met his parents or even heard the words "I love you"

I really have to say that I think you are being too negative in your outlook.

Besides, you need to see a partner as someone who supplements your life, not someone who defines your life.

Edited August 5, 2010 by jamesum

[Sphere]

Just looked it up on wikipedia. Definitely a term which pickup artists use. It's no surprise at all that certain people around here throw around those terms.

 

from wikipedia

 

"Average Frustrated Chump, often abbreviated "AFC," is [COLOR=#0645ad]seduction community[/COLOR] jargon for a heterosexual male who is unsuccessful at finding sexual or romantic relationships with women. This person seeks attraction and longingly desires intimacy, but only finds cordial friendship and [COLOR=#0645ad]platonic love[/COLOR] with women."

 

Well it sums men like you up doesn't it? Be honest, from your posts can you honestly say you aren't one of these people? I was at one point, every man is, but then some men better themselves and others stay in the same position.

[zengirl]

The baggage of having so little experience is often unbearable at least in mind mind and when I'm seemingly in a bad mood for no reason, you can almost be sure I can't get this out of my mind.

 

How to find my way out? Taking what to me will seem like huge risks seems to be the most likely way out.

 

You're still bearing it. When it becomes truly unbearable, you won't. That's my theory at least. . . and I've seen it happen many times. That said, the best way is to work with the world to solve your problems, rather than wait for that point.

 

Unfortunately, I find the only way out is through, and the best way through is acceptance. You sound very ashamed and bothered by what is, and the best way to activate change is generally to accept what is. Don't confuse this with inaction or passivity. I don't mean that. . . I mean more the Zen term of acceptance, which is as much about transformation as it is the present moment. You have to come to terms with everything that's happened and everything that is happening and everything that will happen.

 

As far as those "huge risks" go, I never advise anyone to take actual risks (Things that are legitimately harmful to you), but most things people see as "risks" aren't risks at all. Rejection, for instance. So many people fear rejection, but the main source of pain when you are rejected is from yourself. What you are really fearing is the attack you're going to launch on yourself after someone says, "No."

 

But only you can find your way out.

 

Women and men may go through equal hardship in life.

 

But the biggest difference is that men cannot run to anyone for emotional help. Thats why I said men turn to alcohol and violence instead.

 

When you are having a tough time you can go share with your female friends or family members. But when Im having a tough time, who can I share my feelings with?

 

There are female alcoholics. And females who are violent.

 

And there is no excuse for any person, male or female, to turn to alcohol or violence instead of a healthy emotional outlet. Really, men can run to people for emotional help. They all have families. If those families are not supportive (many women have a family that isn't too!), they can build a community of friends, they can find a supportive partner, they can go to therapy, they can talk to their particular brand of God, they can talk to their inner self, they can post on a message board, they can join a support group. . . Everyone has a million options open to them.

 

Believe it or not, I don't tend to share my feelings with people when I'm having a hard time. If I do share with a family member, it tends to be my step-father because my Mom (lovely as she is) can be a bit judgmental, but he's infinitely kind. And every man in his family cried at his father's funeral. And this is a tough, Italian family. Other than that, or maybe a significant other if I'm with someone I've got a history with, I have a few friends I'll talk about my feelings with when I'm not terribly emotional (reflecting) -- these are male and female -- and I mostly internalize and reflect on my emotion myself before I talk to people. I keep a reflective journal. I talk to my inner self. I meditate.

 

You could talk to any of the sources above, do any of the things I do (well except talk to my step-father, etc, personal things to me), or many other things.

 

Maybe its easy for women to say that opening up is easy. But thats like men saying sleeping around is not a big deal. Well, society in general disagrees. Women who sleep around are viewed as sl*ts and men who show emotional weakness are viewed as p*ssies.

Hmm. . . interesting analogies. I don't view men who sleep around as any different from women who sleep around. Nor do I view men who show healthy emotion in a normal, understandable context as any difference from women who show healthy emotion in a normal, understandable context.

 

Society. . . eh, as I said, the blanket word "society" is complex. If you mean crap situation comedies using gender stereotypes for filler in place of actual plot and writing skill. . . maybe sometimes, but you can also find pop culture examples of men showing emotion and being lauded for it and women sleeping around and being validated by it (I don't agree with the latter personally). The world is 'a changin' every day.