Why is confidence so sexy?

[gamma1]

Everyone has some insecurities and fears. It is how they do with them make them different.

Some fears can generally be dealt with easily. With others, there's virtually no way out.

[Lovelybird]

Some fears can generally be dealt with easily. With others, there's virtually no way out.

I believe there is always way out, it is maybe very difficult, but there is a way out

[gamma1]

I believe there is always way out, it is maybe very difficult, but there is a way out

 

That's wishful thinking for someone in their late 30s who has been on very few dates. It's just one example of something that there's virtually no way out of.

[Lovelybird]

That's wishful thinking for someone in their late 30s who has been on very few dates. It's just one example of something that there's virtually no way out of.

Oh, you mean dating ! Yes, I am a very late boomer, but learn it quickly and it gets better

[carhill]

I've got to get a colonoscopy Friday.

 

Ooh, anal play. It's those 'milkshakes' that suck. I'm due too. If they had something like a mobile truck I'd be a lot more confident. Going to the hospital brings back too many bad memories. I think I'll wait until mom passes before going in there. Good luck!

[SassyKitten]

The difference between confidence and arrogance is confidence is loving yourself, while arrogance is thinking you're great and everyone else isn't.

 

And by the way Sphere, my philosophies aren't about beating a man into submission. They are about we cater to each other. In fact, I am one of the most giving people out there in relationships, and this is where I often get burned when it's completely one-sided, which it has been in every relationship I've ever been in. But if you want to view me as some man-hating witch, then that's your problem.

[Lovelybird]

The harsh reality is most woman expect more experience by a certain age. I can't give that to them and they will be none too pleased when they ask about my relationship or sexual history.

You don't find most woman, you find one, one who gets you and understand you

[SassyKitten]

Gamma - Also, in my experience, just because a man has had more sexual experience doesn't make him a better lover. Enthusiasm, communication skills, and the willingness to learn what gets her going are what make for the best lovers. And often when a man is high in the experience department, he is lacking when it comes to these other important factors.

[carhill]

The harsh reality is most woman expect more experience by a certain age. I can't give that to them and they will be none too pleased when they ask about my relationship or sexual history.

Nah, there are plenty of women who will find you interesting and attractive, regardless of your 'experience'. If you're otherwise mature, you'll be fine. The flipside of less experience is less 'baggage'; don't forget that. You'll have to deal with, if the woman has been married, a whole boatload of it, for better or worse. BTDT. My sexual experience, as defined in the other thread running right now, at 35 = zero

[SassyKitten]

I have enthusiasm about a lot of things, can communicate with good (platonic) female friends, am in very good financial shape and am above 6 feet tall and people tell me I look decent enough. There's also so much I love about women as people. I look good "on paper", but it's never enough.

 

All I have to show for it is a string of polite first date rejections from women and they hurt a lot. The reason is almost always there is no spark or no chemistry. The dates are more like meeting friends, except I'm a nervous wreck. They see the weakest part of me. I just want to get through them because I know the longer I know someone the easier it is, but I don't get that chance.

 

I definitely will work very very hard at becoming a good lover, though I don't know how I can lead the first time. Maybe some woman out there won't mind. Maybe it will come naturally but I have no idea.

 

If the chemistry is there, it does come naturally. Sometimes, I've found that I feel very confident with what I'm doing with certain men. Otherwise, I don't feel anything and the sex is boring. But worrying will only hinder you more when it comes to satisfying your partner, I can attest to that from personal experience.

[USMCHokie]

The difference between confidence and arrogance is confidence is loving yourself, while arrogance is thinking you're great and everyone else isn't.

 

I gave this personal distinction between confidence and arrogance in an earlier thread about the topic, so I'll repeat it here:

 

Confidence is knowing you're the sh*t; arrogance is the need for everyone else to know you're the sh*t.

 

Confidence is an internal mindset that is reflected in one's mannerisms, and it's these mannerisms that are what people see to make them think you are confident. That's why you can "fake" confidence...all you need to do is learn how to exhibit confident mannerisms.

[jamesum]

 

I agree with this. I think men dehumanize other men too in this way, though. And themselves sometimes!

Thats why when men are afraid they turn to alcohol and violence because everyone tells him that he is not a man for having fear.

 

The fact is that both female and male babies cry as much. But as they get older one baby is told that crying is okay while the other is taught that crying is not okay.

 

I think emotionally, women have it better in life.

 

We may hear more about women complaining how their lives suck and how they want to kill themselves, but in 2005, the suicide ratio per 100,000 by gender in the USA is 17.7 Males vs 4.5 Females. Thats nearly 4 times more and such pattern is global except in mainland China.

Edited August 5, 2010 by jamesum

[Sphere]

I gave this personal distinction between confidence and arrogance in an earlier thread about the topic, so I'll repeat it here:

 

Confidence is knowing you're the sh*t; arrogance is the need for everyone else to know you're the sh*t.

 

Confidence is an internal mindset that is reflected in one's mannerisms, and it's these mannerisms that are what people see to make them think you are confident. That's why you can "fake" confidence...all you need to do is learn how to exhibit confident mannerisms.

 

You are 100% spot on.

[zengirl]

That's wishful thinking for someone in their late 30s who has been on very few dates. It's just one example of something that there's virtually no way out of.

 

Well, there's never a way out until you think there is, or at least let go of the idea that there isn't.

 

I think there's always a way out. Your situation seems rough to be but not insurmountable. Really, as we get older all our insecurities get magnified to the point where they either cause us unhappiness or make us find a way to be confident. That's my theory at least. It's easy to maintain our insecurities when we're younger because the weight of the baggage (experiences, lack of experiences, whatever) isn't there, so it feels like a bearable load. Some people find the way out anyway, but a lot don't until the baggage is literally unbearable, whatever that is to them.

 

Gamma - Also, in my experience, just because a man has had more sexual experience doesn't make him a better lover. Enthusiasm, communication skills, and the willingness to learn what gets her going are what make for the best lovers. And often when a man is high in the experience department, he is lacking when it comes to these other important factors.

 

True story.

 

Thats why when men are afraid they turn to alcohol and violence because everyone tells him that he is not a man for having fear.

 

The fact is that both female and male babies cry as much. But as they get older one baby is told that crying is okay while the other is taught that crying is not okay.

 

I think emotionally, women have it better in life.

 

We may hear more about women complaining how their lives suck and how they want to kill themselves, but in 2005, the suicide ratio per 100,000 by gender in the USA is 17.7 Males vs 4.5 Females. Thats nearly 4 times more and such pattern is global except in mainland China.

 

I think there are other things that factor into the suicide rate, but I won't get into that. I think separating it into simply two groups of men vs. women is. . . difficult. I don't even know if I think any individual has it "emotionally" better in life. Some people get situations that seem easier to me, but are more difficult to them and vice versa, and some get situations that seem easy and they seem to handle easily, but it might also be because they did more emotional work. I tend to think the work we do when we're youngest is magnified. I don't know. I have a lot of thoughts on it that I won't get into, but I think true emotional health and confidence is very complex and completely achievable by anyone on the planet if they want it.

 

In terms of society's affects. . . the problem is that there is no one sociological viewpoint anymore. Many people on this forum have expressed archaic, strict views of manhood and womanhood, but. . . it just isn't so. We live in subsets, not in society as a whole, especially in the United States. Very small parts of your lives are affected by the collective. Much more is affected by your immediate social group and other factors. How you experience such archaic viewpoints depends a lot on your age, socio-economic factors, lifestyle factors, location, religious affiliations, and the people you choose (or are forced to) surround yourself with. I know many men who aren't afraid to show emotion, cry, etc.

 

And even if you're experiencing them, you can always break free. Falling back on them for excuses on why your life is the way it is (such as committing suicide because you bottled up your emotions because you were told it was unmanly to cry or deal with them or whatnot, which is what you seem to be suggesting) seems emotionally lazy, weak, and. . . well, lacking in confidence.

[phineas]

This is a hell of a thing to be nervous about. I've got to get a colonoscopy Friday. THAT'S something to be nervous about.

 

The doc probably won't even buy me dinner first.

 

Well, she's the first woman to show REAL interest in me since my separation 15 months ago from a cheating STBXW.

 

I've been on butt-cam before also.

The doc had already been knuckle deep in me.

I think he forgot to take his watch off.

I honestly wasn't nervous at all knowing that tiny camera was going up there instead of Dr. sausage hands.

 

The prep is sheer hell though.

[Shakz]

I gave this personal distinction between confidence and arrogance in an earlier thread about the topic, so I'll repeat it here:

 

Confidence is knowing you're the sh*t; arrogance is the need for everyone else to know you're the sh*t.

 

Confidence is an internal mindset that is reflected in one's mannerisms, and it's these mannerisms that are what people see to make them think you are confident. That's why you can "fake" confidence...all you need to do is learn how to exhibit confident mannerisms.

 

While I like your definition, I'm not sure it's really possible to "fake" confidence, at least not for any length of time. Something real will inevitably come up soon and the faker will be exposed. Also, how do you account for over-confidence? Shouldn't part of the internal mindset of the confident person include a knowledge of one's own limitations so that, while confident, the person is also humble? Isn't this true arrogance, while the need to be validated by others merely a lack of self-confidence falsely manifested and easily exposed.

Edited August 5, 2010 by Shakz

[sumdude]

I think confidence is a bit misused. Because we have many layers and aspects of our lives and psyches. You can be very confident in your jobs and hobbies yet not have confidence in the mating game. Take a guy who can write amazing code and be able to stand up for himself and enforce boundaries at his job, can play drums like a madman and be a master of martial arts ... yet when he sees a woman he really want to get to know he'll freeze and lose confidence. Then you can have a total loser in career, living in his mom's basement and borrowing money from his 4 hot girlfriends. So he has confidence in that aspect of his life.

 

I think it's more about self-esteem and especially self image. These things are instilled in us as children. Let's say you were a year or two ahead in classes when you werw a boy... which means your physically and emotionally less developed. So you were an easy target for bullies and being teased. You can end up pretty low in the social pecking order. Maybe you were a bit chubby so you were called all sorts of names. Even if you had good self esteem that still sticks with you and affects your self image. You're stuck with self limiting beliefs.

 

Then as an adult you're succesful in many ways yet that early programming of your personlity can be so hard to break. You can be built like a football star yet those voices put in your head when your personality was being created are still there. But the real success comes from overcoming your past. Literally reprogramming your brain to believe that you can succeed with a woman.

 

Confidence comes from competence which comes from learning, trying and failing until you succeed. It also comes from knowing what you want.

 

Most important is having the courage to fail.

Edited August 5, 2010 by sumdude

[Shakz]

I think confidence is a bit misused. Because we have many layers and aspects of our lives and psyches. You can be very confident in your jobs and hobbies yet not have confidence in the mating game. Take a guy who can write amazing code and be able to stand up for himself and enforce boundaries at his job, can play drums like a madman and be a master of martial arts ... yet when he sees a woman he really want to get to know he'll freeze and lose confidence. Then you can have a total loser in career, living in his mom's basement and borrowing money from his 4 hot girlfriends. So he has confidence in that aspect of his life.

 

I think it's more about self-esteem and especially self image. These things are instilled in us as children. Let's say you were a year or two ahead in classes when you werw a boy... which means your physically and emotionally less developed. So you were an easy target for bullies and being teased. You can end up pretty low in the social pecking order. Maybe you were a bit chubby so you were called all sorts of names. Even if you had good self esteem that still sticks with you and affects your self image. You're stuck with self limiting beliefs.

 

Then as an adult you're succesful in many ways yet that early programming of your personlity can be so hard to break. You can be built like a football star yet those voices put in your head when your personality was being created are still there. But the real success comes from overcoming your past. Literally reprogramming your brain to believe that you can succeed with a woman.

 

Confidence comes from competence which comes from learning, trying and failing until you succeed. It also comes from knowing what you want.

 

Most important is having the courage to fail.

 

Extremely well said.

[Sphere]

 

How to find my way out?

 

That's only a question that you can answer and it is only you who can find the answer to that question.

[SassyKitten]

Confidence is knowing you're the sh*t; arrogance is the need for everyone else to know you're the sh*t.

 

That's one good way of saying it!

 

The fact is that both female and male babies cry as much. But as they get older one baby is told that crying is okay while the other is taught that crying is not okay.

 

I think emotionally, women have it better in life.

 

It really sucks in the emotional department for both genders but probably sucks less for women. One common criticism I hear men making about women is that we're "so emotional", which could be resentment about the fact that we can be expressive. That said, a man who has gone over the top with repressing his emotions is offputting to me, if they can't be decently expressive then how can they make a loving partner?

 

The baggage of having so little experience is often unbearable at least in mind mind and when I'm seemingly in a bad mood for no reason, you can almost be sure I can't get this out of my mind.

 

How to find my way out? Taking what to me will seem like huge risks seems to be the most likely way out.

 

The only way I can think of is to try not to worry and try to keep making a proactive effort towards finding Ms. Right.

 

Besides, I constantly worry that I'm not going to be able to be a good partner to a man just because none of my relationships in hindsight have been, from the man's point of view, lust-based as opposed to love-based. I may have sexual experience, sure, but I get depressed when I think about almost being 30 and never getting to the point in the relationship where I've met his parents or even heard the words "I love you"

[sumdude]

How to find my way out? Taking what to me will seem like huge risks seems to be the most likely way out.

 

There is the answer. No worthy goal is reached without risk.

 

The ironic thing is.. well what's the worst that could happen when you approach a woman? Maybe a slap in the face? When it comes to dating and mating most fear is self created.

[Sphere]

 

Besides, I constantly worry that I'm not going to be able to be a good partner to a man just because none of my relationships in hindsight have been, from the man's point of view, lust-based as opposed to love-based. I may have sexual experience, sure, but I get depressed when I think about almost being 30 and never getting to the point in the relationship where I've met his parents or even heard the words "I love you"

 

This is why you can't find a man, you are such a debbie downer, so morbid, so depressing and so desperate.

 

You are the female equivalent of an AFC.

[SassyKitten]

This is why you can't find a man, you are such a debbie downer, so morbid, so depressing and so desperate.

 

You are the female equivalent of an AFC.

 

You're just pointing fingers, as your domineering egocentric attitude certainly doesn't do much to keep women interested. Besides, WTF is an AFC?

[Sphere]

You're just pointing fingers, as your domineering egocentric attitude certainly doesn't do much to keep women interested. Besides, WTF is an AFC?

 

I actually like you Sassy, I think you're a good natured person which is why I am offering this tough love to you. You keep worrying about reaching thirty and you keeping worrying about having not done this and not done that. In truth you can have these things, you just keep shooting yourself in the foot with your debbie downer attitude.

 

Instead on concentrating on YOU and YOUR PASSIONS, you are putting TOO MUCH emphasis on finding a MAN and in doing so are doing yourself a GRAVE DISSERVICE. When you are TRULY HAPPY is when A MAN will WALK into YOUR LIFE.

 

You are not happy and have no chance of finding anyone decent, because they'll be put off by your state of mind at present.

[Sphere]

He's called me an AFC too, so it can't be that bad.

 

I believe it's some term that pickup artists like to use, which is no surprise given the source.

 

It is that bad, it's a not a good thing to be and it is a term that pick up artists use, it's also a word that men use to describe other men. I'm not a pick up artist, I have no interest in picking up some random woman in a club and having my way with her. I'm interested in finding the woman for me, just like you are, we just have different methods. Your method is to be counter-productive and do very little, living in hope that she'll arrive at your front door someday and mine is to take action and seek her out.

 

"He who dares wins".